I feel like a fool. Am I?

[4paws]

I am a SAHM and living overseas for the last 18 months. My youngest is now 3 and where we are living is OK. I can put up with it for a while longer!

My DH works hard and really enjoys his job, which is great. He doesn't work at weekends, and is good with the DCs. During the week, he hardly sees them, he's up early, and back late. By late I mean 8pm at the earliest mon-fri. The last few months he always seems to be late at night, meeting colleagues for dinner, going out for team drinks, presentation to prepare so he'll be back late. Drinks seem to mean 1am, dinner, 11pm, report to write, 9:30pm. It may all be true, I have no idea, no way of knowing. I don't think he is cheating (Lord knows everyone says that) but why he is he out every night? I know the jobs market is really tough at the moment (tho I've been out of it too long) and I know that he is really into his job and really like socialising with colleagues.

Clearly, what he's not into is spending time at home with me. I feel like an idiot because I have no idea ever where he is, what he is doing. If I am lucky I get an "oh, i'll be late home tonight" but that is it. This isn't my idea of family life, this isn't my idea of a relationship. I feel silly for thinking that I want to leave and to disrupt the DC's, but I also feel that this lifestyle is all lovely for him and it would be v easy for him to cheat, and the gullible fool at home wouldn't know. Or I am just paranoid and controlling.

I have spent years feeling unloved and ignored. I have been unhappy because he doesn't communicate, where he is, or answer his phone/texts whereas my argument is that when I was pg or with small DCs, he should answer, he should check, because he should be concerned that we were all ok, and actually he doesn't worry about it all.

Sorry for rambling

Oh 4paws, it's just not nice is it, that you're left wondering where he is, who he's with, whether he's in the office working late or popped out for a drink, and most importantly, why he can't just bloody text you to give an ETA for getting home.

If he can't understand why this isn't a nice experience for the partner at home, it does seem as if you need to really think about your next move. He won't spontaneously realise that it's important that you both feel cared for and part of each other's lives. It will take some sort of trigger and hard work on his part. it doesn't sound like he'd be up for that or changing the status quo though.

So... do you wait for him to realise and start supporting you, do you stay with him until he decides he's the one not getting emotional support from you and finds it elsewhere, or do you tell him you've had enough - now or in a few months time (or later) when you have your plans in place??

I agree with the posters saying get evidence together. I think it will make you feel better to be doing something positive and getting plans in place for whichever option you eventually end up going with. I am projecting there though, because it's certainly making me feel more in control.

Is he home yet, love ?

maybe I am tired and jaded but on these threads it always strikes me we are deconstructing the man. What does he want, what is he thinking, has he got someone else?
op take a good hard think about what you want out of life for yourself. And don't stay just because you are scared of taking a risk, you only get one go

He got back after midnight last night. I did attempt to talk to him but he reeked of alcohol and wanted to go to sleep. I could tell I annoyed him tho, just the very idea that he shouldn't be out whenever he wants - I don't think he got the point that I want him to want to come home, not feel like I'm with a surly 18yr old.

I did speak to someone close in RL. She thinks I should make more effort, make more suggestions for 'fun' stuff so he will want to be here.

My head is spinning. I have been trying to think of plans, what would be the best option, the best timing. If it is worth trying to get more money together? What do I need to do? Can I just go home and not tell him? He won't even sleep on a sofa after a fight; his bed, his bedroom too. I don't know what to do.

YOU should make more effort?

Pretty sure that is not the problem...

Please don't take your friends advice to try and make yourself more interesting, you are ok as you are

Putting a bit of lippy on, giving him more blow jobs and forcing him to spend time that he doesn't want with you is completely humiliating

Love, talk to your family. Stop pretending to people that everything is fine and that he is a good husband

It isn't and he is certainly not

I'm not sure where you are in the world (sorry if you've already said) but if you're thinking of just leaving with the children I would look into the legalities of removing them from the country without telling him. I wouldn't do anything rash.

I'm so sorry you're in this position.

By that post I didn't mean go ahead and do it, just make sure you don't do anything that puts you on the wrong side of the law.

he's rolling in whenever he feels like it and treating you like you're worth nothing...not even a tiny explanation of where the hell he's been. The longer it continues, the worse you're going to feel i'm afraid. You can tell from your posts that the situation has already ground you down a lot. Only you can change it for the better...by removing yourself. You're worth SO much more than this

Not impressed with your friends advice. He's a grown man with a family and responsibilities. He should want to be home, not have to be enticed like a toddler.

What to do next. Can you copy all the documents you may need in the future - bank statements, shares, pensions stuff, mortgage stuff etc. I'm sure others who have been in the same situation will be able to give you sound advice, but this for a start.

As for childcare, I questioned him on it recently, and yet he does not respect me for being SAHM. Yep, it's useful, someone has to do it (bit like filling the dog bowl) but ultimately unimportant. Whereas his career...

Behind every great man...
Even if he considers his career that important, he must realise you are enabling it.
It would be worth leaving one monday morning before anyone wakes up, to spend the day at a spa and see what he thinks of that.

I think if you want to save this, you need to let him have it with both barrels, explain exactly why you're not prepared to tolerate this shit any longer and see if anything changes as a result. if not, I don't think I'd bother engaging with him at all tbh.

I definitely wouldn't go the stepford wife route, it never works unless you're prepared to sacrifice your dignity and happiness to please him.

Get yourself a decent counsellor (your friends advice is well intentioned rubbish IMO) and some legal advice too.

AF did make me snort. Harsh but fair, and I'm sure I've already tried that in the past and it only makes me interesting short-term and then, like you say, humiliated. .

I think I did give it 'both barrels' about 6 months ago. Nothings changed. Since then I have started detaching emotionally, I don't expect he will be home during the week, and not constantly hoping, and wondering if he'll be back soon has helped me. I'm not a rock tho, and it pains me, it hurts.

I need some time to fish for documents and make a plan for what I'd do if it's just me and the kids and he cuts off the money.

I'm tempted to disappear for a day or 2, and see what happens. I also want to spell it out one last time. I want to say unless a important meeting with the boss, he has to prove his commitment by coming home at normal time (I'm not sure what time that is, but i could check what his colleagues do) and see what happens over the next couple of weeks. If he doesn't or doesn't last longer than 2 weeks well, then I know for definite nothing will change.

Thank you for all your support. As my first dip into RL was not positive, I'm worried my family will not be supportive either "You've made your bed/You've got no job/you'll be broke and all alone/No man is perfect-this one just works too hard/you're being ridiculous etc etc

My DS' dad, who is not my partner, has a demanding, time-consuming and important job (don't want to out him but it is charity-related and he's very good at it). This doesn't stop him taking time off when I need him to look after DS, whether that's for health reasons or because I want to go and party.
4Paws, is your wretched H's job something entertainment-related and 'glamorous', and is that why he thinks he's King Cock and the rest of his family must worship him?

Don't be terrified about packing and starting over again.

My xh behaved similarly, we moved around a lot for the first 5 years of my eldest's life, including a two year stint abroad. He chose to stay out late most nights, 'working', in his case it was working, networking, drinking, actually I have no idea what he was doing or who he was with as he never told me and would not answer his phone, by the time he got home there was no point asking as it would just lead to a drunken fight. For the first few years I confronted him and we fought, and then I started trying to make life 'fun' at home so he would want to be there. It was a really really painful way to exist and I got very lonely, stressed and depressed.

I finally hit rock bottom and had some counselling, and eventually after a year of therapy set down some boundaries regarding his behaviour. I realised how abusive and controlling the situation was, and how he had no respect for me at all. He couldn't cope with my boundaries which he termed 'ultimatums' and he stormed out to teach me a lesson and I locked the door firmly behind him.

The calm I experience every evening is amazing, not sitting waiting for someone to finally come home (often drunk, always moody). It is like a huge weight had been lifted and I could breathe. I could never go back to that life again, it was like living with constant chinese water torture. And it was bad for the children, really bad. No way at all for them to learn about relationships. I had a father who worked really long hours and I still saw him often enough and got cuddles and stories before bed, and I saw him adore my mother.

Once my xh left though his disdain for me became a lot worse. He told me he was not interested in raising the children at all, which is a good thing I guess (although my heart broke for them when he said that). But financially he felt everything was his, he left me with £30 and a tank of petrol. Telling family and friends was a strong experience, as I realised I had people in my life who loved me and what that means.

I am so much happier now and rebuilding my life. It is not easy but at least I can imagine a future that is good. And I don't miss him at all. I feel grief and sadness, but I think mostly for what I went through.

No nothing glamorous at all. Except he's now at a high enough level to get work jollies and fancy restaurants and stuff. It's not that high level, tho he meets some millionaires and I see he wants that. I think deep down, he really thinks he is marvellous. His family are so proud of him, the success he's had. I don't disagree, he's a solid, reliable worker, people like him

Letsmake Thank you. It gives me hope. And reinforces my thinking that I need more than 30 quid, as I can see him being petty.

At the very very least he should be taking you to some of this stuff and getting a baby sitter.

The issue is that he really doesn't seem to care about you, other than having a housekeeper and a nanny for the children he has to entertain him and give him some status.

I've just read this thread all in one go and I'm sorry, but I think it's obvious, especially as his late arrivals home have got worse in recent times.

He's having an affair.

He is self-obsessed. His ego is sky high. It's all me, me, me. Full of his own self-importance.

I don't think it's relevant whether or not he is having an affair. This behabiour is not a new thing. It's unnacceptable.

Hi, another expat here, I read the awful re-run of my life (almost word for word) with foreboding, and sorry I have to tell you he is f ing someone.

Really sorry 4paws, but even post affair my H has been revealed to be selfish, emotionally unavailable, and the workaholic is a cover to keep distance.

It doesn't matter. After terrible pain and suffering I now don't care any more and am getting on with life.

You have two choices: return home to UK, or start developing a life there. Do you have home help? Can you volunteer for anything? One thing leads to another.

But in both of those options STOP looking to him for connection and emotional support, because you won't get it (and if you look back) you never had it.