I feel like a fool. Am I?

[4paws]

I am a SAHM and living overseas for the last 18 months. My youngest is now 3 and where we are living is OK. I can put up with it for a while longer!

My DH works hard and really enjoys his job, which is great. He doesn't work at weekends, and is good with the DCs. During the week, he hardly sees them, he's up early, and back late. By late I mean 8pm at the earliest mon-fri. The last few months he always seems to be late at night, meeting colleagues for dinner, going out for team drinks, presentation to prepare so he'll be back late. Drinks seem to mean 1am, dinner, 11pm, report to write, 9:30pm. It may all be true, I have no idea, no way of knowing. I don't think he is cheating (Lord knows everyone says that) but why he is he out every night? I know the jobs market is really tough at the moment (tho I've been out of it too long) and I know that he is really into his job and really like socialising with colleagues.

Clearly, what he's not into is spending time at home with me. I feel like an idiot because I have no idea ever where he is, what he is doing. If I am lucky I get an "oh, i'll be late home tonight" but that is it. This isn't my idea of family life, this isn't my idea of a relationship. I feel silly for thinking that I want to leave and to disrupt the DC's, but I also feel that this lifestyle is all lovely for him and it would be v easy for him to cheat, and the gullible fool at home wouldn't know. Or I am just paranoid and controlling.

I have spent years feeling unloved and ignored. I have been unhappy because he doesn't communicate, where he is, or answer his phone/texts whereas my argument is that when I was pg or with small DCs, he should answer, he should check, because he should be concerned that we were all ok, and actually he doesn't worry about it all.

Sorry for rambling

[ImperialBlether]

If it's any consolation, he probably doesn't think that he doesn't love you. He's just completely selfish, so all he thinks about is himself.

[carlywurly]

Imperial is so so right. It's horrid seeing anyone go through this.

Xh was never available either. He used to call from the tube, knowing the signal would cut out after a few seconds.

[4paws]

IB I know in my heart you speak the truth

He wants what's best for him. He wants to do what he wants. He is annoyed at anyone who stops him having fun. He knows you're unhappy.

That is exactly how he views life.

[KinNora]

Couldn't agree more with Carly ' don't let your life slip away'

• two more examples from my own life, my first day alone with ds1 - 4 years old, ds2 - 2 years old, dd - newborn, 3 weeks post c-section. He told me that he had arranged to work away, and no, he couldn't alter it so he'd be coming back after work, no matter how worried I was that I wouldn't be able to cope.
  

One of the dc was unwell in class and for once school couldn't immediately get hold of me, they called him in work. His reply to them ' What have you called ME for ? What do you expect ME to do about it ?'.

If either of these two examples sound like something your h would do or say, then the man is treating you like the hired help. You are not overreacting. You have every right to be unhappy.

[ImperialBlether]

Oooh KinNora, I would have LOVED to have been the one to make that phone call to him. I would have let him have it with both barrels.

[AloneSoon]

4paws, the more you post, the more I wonder if he could ever be made to see what you need and what he is going to lose by treating you this way. If talking to him hasn't helped so far, and he really does see the SAHM role in such a demeaning way, and he can't be bothered to help when you're ill - it doesn't look great.

I hate to say it too, but could he be having an affair? Has he always been this way? Can you think when he started to detach from you emotionally- this might have been the point where he started confiding in another woman (even if nothing sexual happened).

Some of the posts here must be really hard reading. Make sure you give yourself time to think about what you want and how you can achieve that. I know I was in pain when I realised I felt unloved, it's very hard to process so please make sure you are kind to yourself.

[carlywurly]

Me too. Xh can be rude and dismissive to school too. Just before Xmas I was away (unusually) for a long weekend and he had the dc's. They missed the nativity they'd been rehearsing for ages for because he was too busy working late to take them. He didn't even contact the school to tell them or apologise. I was utterly mortified and so upset for the dc's.

[KinNora]

I know, Imperial, even I was aghast at that one. Still didn't make me see sense though which is why I feel so strongly that 4paws doesn't play down her feelings.

(I'm generally more comfortable posting on more frivolous matters but your original post, 4paws, really struck home. I kept telling myself that he was a good dad, the kids loved him, he worked really hard. All true but it wasn't a marriage, it was a business arrangement )

[Snazzynewyear]

He may or may not be cheating, but either way, living like this is making you unhappy, and that's the problem. If you could have unquestionable proof he wasn't cheating, would that make him staying out all the time ok? No.

Don't feel bad, you went into this in good faith and it has not been honoured. I think Major B has made a good suggestion. Tell him it is vital he sees your life from your point of view. If he really isn't prepared to, you probably need to accept that he sees you now as a convenience and you will need to make a better life for yourself.

[4paws]

It is hard reading. It is.

I will keep on. He's still not bloody home though

[wordyBird]

KinNora What have you called ME for ? What do you expect ME to do about it ?' ..my mouth is actually -->

AloneSoon, you are right, this is very hard reading.

4paws I am so sorry. This is your life, and these words must feel so painful. When you know things in your heart, it's awful to bring them to light like this.

[KinNora]

I'm really sorry, 4paws, I can imagine how you must feel.

[elastamum]

Poor you .

Am another one here who was maried to a man like that, always away, always working hard, not even taking leave when we had booked holidays. We had a superficially great lifestyle, but numerous times I went on holiday on my own waiting for him to join us when he finished his work. Or he didnt turn up to family events, or went sailing for months leaving me at home with the children. FFS I even packed up and moved house on my own when he 'forgot' our moving date! I always felt something was'nt right, but couldnt put my finger on what.

Predictably, he was leading a double life and having an affair, and we are now divorced.

Now 4 yrs on my new partner also has a demanding job, he travels all over the world and we live apart, with our respective children -BUT our relationship couldnt be more different. New DP dropped everything when I was ill recently, to drive 100 miles and collect MY children from school, cook tea and pick me up from hospital. He is there for me, he remembers things, he turns up at my house with a toolkit and fixes things in his spare time. He gets up and makes my tea so I can lie in bed on my day off. When he is away we skype and txt several times a day. I feel loved and cherished in a way I never did when I was married.

OP - you deserve so much better.

[KinNora]

That's exactly it, Elasta, being 'cherished' . I never even knew what that was like.

[targaryen24]

Nothing much else I can say but I really hope things unfold in a way that's better for you. You know you can always post here if you need to. Keep us posted

[Viviennemary]

I would be suspicious if those very late nights became a regular thing rather than a very late one off. Not many people would be happy with this situation. On a typical week do you mean most nights back by eight and perhaps one night back very late. Or quite a number of nights back very late.

[4paws]

It is now 9:45pm and no, still not home. And maybe since Christmas this has become more regular. He used to at least be home once the DC were all safely in bed

[Bobbybird40]

Hey OP you are not a fool, your partner is just a bit of a cock. If I was in your shoes I would bide my time and start sneaking money away and fleece the fucker for all he is worth when he is least expecting it in a year or two. Play the long game.

[carlywurly]

How does he even get home? Does he drive? Hopefully not after drinking for hours..
I would be asking him exactly what has taken this long. It just isn't on.

[carlywurly]

I'd probably start copying finance documents, pension statements and the like before he realises how pissed off you are. Don't give him a chance to start squirrelling. I had a fat file of absolutely everything (kept at a friends) by the time we split and it helped immensely.

[TheWandererReturns]

Could you return to the UK for a break - half term or Easter hols? - see how you feel with space and distance? You would not have to return....

[Bobbybird40]

I agre with curlywurly - now is the time for cool heads. Don't get mad - get even.

[Viviennemary]

I'd be thinking is he secretive. Or is he quite open about the restaurants he goes in and the places he drinks. And I'd wonder what time he actually finishes work. And who are all these other people who keep such late hours after work. But I agree with those who say keep cool and do some thinking rather than getting angry. But when all is said and done you aren't being treated fairly.

[OxfordBags]

OP, you know how you described how your Dh and his siblings view their mother? That is how your own DC are going to view you, if things stay as they are. As for him getting on fine with his father, well, yes, I bet they do - I bet they have a trivial, shallow relationship where neither really knows who the other is, what they like, what they do, etc., and they just make a few jokes or chat about mundane things and because there isn't enough closeness for them to even get to a stage of communication where an argument or disagreement could ensue, they both call that a 'good' relationsip. That is, best case scenario, what your children will have with him. A distant, shallow father who they have no real bond with and a mother they sneer at like shit on their shoe. You need to help them as much as you need to help yourself.

YOU are not an idiot. You would never dream of treating a partner the way he treats and has treated you, so it never occured to you that things would get this way. HE is the idiot, as well as a cunt, to treat you and his kids like this, to not cherish the wonderful people who love him most in the world.

Actually, 'treat' is the wrong word, because it implies action. He is trying to as little as possible to do with you all as possible. He doesn't sound like a good father, btw, he sounds pretty crappy. You all deserve so much better. You'd be far happier and it'd be a much healthier environment for the kids, if you were all skint without him back in the UK.

[raenbow]

My husband was also a good man, a good father and on the surface was the perfect provider. In everything except for me.
You can stay and keep trying maybe he will change and wake up to himself, then again he may not as he has already disengaged. You will have to talk to him but if you are feeling low about this now and stay it is going to do nothing for your self-esteem and self worth ( I know because I did stay) eventually I thought this is not healthy for me or the kids to live like this. I had to start again ( new house, new schools and I had to give up my job as I worked Part time.)
4 months on all the practicalities are sorted ( house schools etc) and it's not easy but I have support from a lot of people who care unlike him who now cares nothing except for maintaining his pathetic new relationship at ANY cost.

Talk to him but listen to what he tells you, and like earlier poster said get evidence first and be suspicious of anything that seems like generosity beyond the norm there may be an ulterior motive.