What's the consensus on cyber sex/flirting ?

[Mosman]

Apparently some woman has just made my DH's Tuesday by getting back in touch, he will email her back in 40 mins ie when he thinks I will be in bed (in Australia).
But he'd better keep it clean this time, she remembers what he's like l o fucking l
I can see the emails, he's deleting them but not quick enough.

Why are you putting up with this behaviour? It is a form of cheating and very disrespectful.

Wow,

No advice really but didn't want to read and run, perhaps he knew her before you?

Any response to that mail other than "It will be clean, I'm happily married now not single like before" would not be acceptable for me.

You said there were other emails too?

This must be shit for you, I'm sorry (hug)

If you can see the e-mails, what's stopping you tapping him on the shoulder and telling him you know what he's up to?

I just have. Sent her a message telling her fuck off which he saw.
Apparently it's banter. Yeah right. Last time he did this I was pregnant and that really hurt.
Yesterday the puppy died my kids are in hits as am I and he's getting his rocks off with somebody he worked with 10 years ago.
I'm fuming.

Not hits BITS obviously

Erm...shouldn't it be HIM who is telling her to back off? HE is the one who should be taking responsibility...

You telling her to fuck off makes you look like the paranoid bitter wife.

(sorry about the puppy )

So when's he leaving?

Well no response over night from my impression of a fishwife.
I confronted him, he denied everything, said they got on well there was banter. He deleted the emails because he knew how i'd react after last time.
Which is true however these emails were along the lines of him discovering the love of his life again, "beaming from ear to ear" as she'd contacted him, made his Tuesday. I don't think i've ever made his Tuesday :-(

There's 4 children to think about so I can't do anything rash but I can't imagine ever feeling the same about him again, nor him me I called him all the names under the sun last night.

So he deleted the emails because he knew you would be upset after "last time"..hmmm

Surely the correct response was not to overstep the mark AGAIN in the first place?

Classic transference of responsibility here.

He sounds like a creep.

He will minimise as much as he can get away with.

It isn't on, and you don't think it's on. Meanwhile , he isn't repentant so he will do it again.

I am not an LTB person but surely you have to? I didn't chuck my h out when he did this, but at least he didn't justify it

He sounds like he's looking for an excuse to leave the marriage. Do you really want to keep him, if keeping him is going to mean constant suspicion and policing? Bear in mind that if you throw him out he will still have to pay towards the DCs upbringing.

I'm on shaky ground right now, we are applying for residency to stay permanently in Australia, bearing in mind we came because he couldn't find a job in the UK i've left behind a £40,000 job to come out here and been let go twice in 6 months for various reasons, probably because i had to much to do.
I've uprooted 4 children from friends, schools etc.
I think i'd rather run him over than leave him if I'm honest - won't obviously.

Having read threads from MNetters in Oz, you need to get legal advice because you may not be allowed to take DC back to the UK.

Why do you want to stay with this poor excuse of a man? what do you think by staying you are teaching the DC about relationships? they will hate growing up a tense unhappy home.

If I were you, I would go back to the UK if I can as you will need to be with your friends and family.

So he apologised, cried and seems pretty sorry - maybe for himself who knows what goes on in their heads in these situations.
OW hasn't replied so that's something.
Basically I can't go anywhere without his say so and take the children, he's very happy in Australia so that's me shafted for the next 15 years.
Marvellous.

Crap

I hate it when cheaters get caught and their reaction is to cry - pathetic! It shows it how its still all about them and not the pain and devastation they have caused.

You do not have to live with him or do anything for him - let him do his own washing, cooking etc. I would start getting legal advice about how to go about separating.

We can barely afford to live on two salaries combined, no state help and I'm not entirely sure whether I can actually stay on his visa if we aren't together. I could be out of the country and my kids 12,000 miles away which obviously isn't happening. Will have to be a bit smarter about this one.

After a reasonable weekend doing family stuff, I've come onto the laptop this morning and discovered he has at least 2 secrete email accounts, we both know each others and passwords.
One was set up around July last year when everything fine as far as i know and the other which recovers the password to the first i don't recognise at all.
I can't live like this can I ? If it's all harmless why the secrecy ?

That decision is only yours honey , afraid he is a cheater and messing around on the internet just confirms your worst fears , do you really want to continue living like this in a strange country would you not rather have family and friends around you to support you and your kids?, take time to think what your priorities are no-one should have to put up with this crap from anyone , well you would not treat a friend let alone a husband like this would you?, good luck big hug to you .

Its not harmless is it, you know that. In fact the fall out is incredibly harming.

what do you want to do now?

it's not harmless is it, you know that. In fact the fall out is incredibly harming.

Of course the truth after hours of lying and trying to blame me is that he's fucked her. Just the once.
I want to crawl under a rock and never come out.

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, you must be reeling from the shock .
I don't have any great words of wisdom unfortunately, do you have any friends or family you can speak to?

Yes luckily I have more friends i've made in the last 6 months in australia than i had at home, my family are shit, his family will take his side so better we don't even bother telling them.

I've sent the OW a photo of our kids, i'm being a bit psycho is that normal ?
Does the fact that it hurts so much mean i love him, i don't know ?

But what I do know is that this happened in 2007 and i've KNOWN all that time, anyone reading this who has any nagging feelings you're right don't be fobbed off because I have been and I was right. Not that that feels good but at least i'm not the insecure loon I wondered if I might be at times.

I am very sorry, Mosman

Please stop contacting the OW, no good will come of it

Tell your husband to leave.