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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what if sexting actually helped the relationship?

25 replies

Kione · 04/02/2013 19:05

First, is using sexting an emotional affair? its a genuine question, never heard of emotional affairs until I read it here.
So imagine someone who has lost the lubudo, doesn't feel like having sex with their spouse but love them, and that is the only thing that doesen't work in the relationship. They start sexting with someone they know, a friend, maybe an ex who is married too; with no intentions whatsoever of meeting up. The person feels sexy and excited, gets home and has a great session with the espouse. So it just carries on as a bit of an "ego feeding" thing.
What would you think of it??

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aftereight · 04/02/2013 19:13

Oh dear. Whilst I see your point, the natural extension of this 'ego feeding' is meeting up ("does s/he think I'm great in real life?"), which will then lead to "just" a kiss, and then further, more intimate contact.. Trust me. Do not undrestimate the effect of the neurochemicals activated by the sexts.

Bogeyface · 04/02/2013 19:13

I would leave.

The only mistake I made when I found out about my H's sexting affair was to not leave as the baby was tiny and I didnt think I could cope.

Any interaction that a) you cant tell your partner about is wrong b) takes your attention away from the partner you committed to is wrong c) means you dont look at what is causing the problems in your relationship is wrong.

Yes it is an affair. You havent lost your libido at all as you obviously have sexual feelings if the sexting turns you on so you would be better served finding out why you have lost those feelings towards your husband rather than having an affair.

Bogeyface · 04/02/2013 19:14

Oh and saying "it helps our relationship" is part of the cheaters script. Many people have justified cheating by saying this and it is bullshit.

MechanicalTheatre · 04/02/2013 19:15

I would not stay.

aftereight · 04/02/2013 19:16

Oh, and I'd advise the person, and their cheated on partner, to read Shirley Glass' Not Just Friends, post haste.

meditrina · 04/02/2013 19:22

If it's not cheating, the it's unproblematic to tell your spouse about it.

Don't want to? Thought not.

cupcake78 · 04/02/2013 19:23

It's one very big bad idea! Find something else not some else to put a spring in your step.

Original poster
Kione · 04/02/2013 19:33

I am not saying that I did or was thinking on it! I was talking to some friends about it and just wanted to know what people here rhougjt. I live in a small a bit secluded plqce and it seems to me that we are in a completelly different planet, it is quite common here! and it was a case of never ever being anything else but texts and someone sent photos. Someone also said that they hadn't had sex with spouse since 2009, which lead to it.

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Original poster
Kione · 04/02/2013 19:43

my lasts post us confusing. ok two people have or are doingbit and they think its normal. They think it might help me and my libido. This is why I asked, I dont think its goid but is more common than I thought?

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Bogeyface · 04/02/2013 19:50

Taking drugs is common, doesnt make it right.

They are trying to justify cheating on their partners, thats what it comes down to. I wonder how their partners would feel about it? And if the person who hasnt had sex since 2009 would have done something about it if they hadnt taken their interest elsewhere.....

Slippersox · 04/02/2013 19:51

No it doesn't help your relationship.Take it from me.Almost 3 years on from discovering DH had started sexting OW from work following on from several months of intensifying and secret friendship, albeit under cover of work contact.
It nearly ended a previously long and very happy marriage.And counselling and many heart to hearts confirmed nothing was majorly wrong.Just my DHs vulnerability due to mid life frustrations with business set backs and one very flirty co-worker addicted to texting.
We stuck together but it took a lot of hard work and we both regard what happened as an affair.Even now happy and back on track as much as we will ever be -IME nothing's ever quite the same-there are still repercussions.We had/ have a very healthy and enjoyable sex life but the 'sexting' did not enhance it.My DH felt guilty and was even having problems maintaining an erection at times ,and only the other night when we were kissing and building up to sex he muttered something and I went cold and shut down because it was almost identical to one of the sexts I knew he sent to OW.Its corrosive and devalues the true intimacy between a couple by the very nature of it's secrecy.

Bogeyface · 04/02/2013 19:56

We had/ have a very healthy and enjoyable sex life but the 'sexting' did not enhance it.My DH felt guilty and was even having problems maintaining an erection at times ,and only the other night when we were kissing and building up to sex he muttered something and I went cold and shut down because it was almost identical to one of the sexts I knew he sent to OW.Its corrosive and devalues the true intimacy between a couple by the very nature of it's secrecy.

I totally relate to this. Oral sex was a big part of our sex life and was therefore a big part of the texts he sent to OW. Needless to say, Oral sex has not happened since, I could no more take part in that now than jump off a cliff, just the thought of it makes me think of the messages. Slipper I found his secret phone and saw the messages from both of them in all their tawdry glory, sounds like you saw them too? Sometimes I wish I had never seen them......

VitoCorleone · 04/02/2013 20:00

I would be disgusted if my partner was only managing to have sex with me because some other woman had turned him on by sending sex texts.

Original poster
Kione · 04/02/2013 20:35

well I have spent weeks and months of agony because I just didnt want to have sex, I went to relate by myseld (he didnt want to come with me) and on a night our a bloke flirted with me and I was so maee up thqt had great sex when got home. Its been a whule sincw that happened, and after a few drinks some friends talked about sexting. they where not telling me to do it, just talking about it so matter of factly... the bloke that hasnt hqd sex since 2009 has tried to.sort things out wirh wife to no avail, she does not wanr to do anything about it or go to councelling

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Slippersox · 04/02/2013 20:51

Thank you Bogey.Its so good even after all this time to know someone gets it and how it messes with your head.No I didn't see the texts and for me that's been part of my problem. OWs husband went through her phone and found them,apparently she had previous form for sending suggestive emails to another man so guessing he didnt trust her. He contacted my DH and I was with him and he went as white as a sheet and shook all over.He tried a) lie then b) minimise but then confessed to OWs husband finding sexually explicit exchanges.
I never saw them myself.Was in such shock as no suspicions and would never have dreamt in a million years of looking at his phone.Had total trust, love and respect for him.Was too stupid and not technical enough to try and retrieve deleted messages.Probably as well.But I do know she was offering blow jobs etc,describing what she would like to do to him and he was responding enthusiastically and graphically.
Hence even though amazingly we have had a lot sex since,and very raunchy at times - hysterical bonding I believe it's called - at other times I have found myself emotionally frozen and in tears as images of the unseen texts play through my head.Weirdly I went through a very insecure phase of feeling I had to be up for anything in the bedroom almost as if I was in competition with OW - who wouldn't you know it was a good few years younger.
Happily that low esteem has completely gone.My DH has been truly remorseful and the pain and distrust has eased and almost gone.
Probably divulged TMI but really don't care if it makes one person stop and think of the consequences of spicing life up with 'just a little bit of sexting.'

Original poster
Kione · 04/02/2013 21:07

thank you foe your input Slippersock, I just had an idea... I am going to sext my DP! Grin maybe thats the best of both words, seems a weird thing to do but it might work, uf he doesent have a fit if shock...

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Original poster
Kione · 04/02/2013 21:08

I meant worlds, and I am really sorry that that happened to you. It sounds really awful.

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Slippersox · 04/02/2013 21:33

Thanks Klone and I'm in a much happier and stronger place now but wouldn't wish the heartache on anyone - except OW of course!Know that's not nice but as a great friend pointed out it was essential I found forgiveness in my heart for my DH if we were to have a future,and we'd had such a good past - another reason we've survived I guess.But I owe her nothing.I'm sorry to say I still feel contempt for her,mainly because I have it on good authority she's behaved like this before.
Go for it and sext your DH.Great idea!What made me so sad is not long before I found out I had the urge to ring my DH at work just to say how much I loved him.And our youngest had not long gone off to uni and I was the one instigating afternoon cuddles and sex and loving the freedom and time for us.Unbeknown to me OW had been altering her working hours to be around to ' help' my DH and flirting massively for some months already by then.Guess what I'm saying even the strongest marriages can be vulnerable.But if you are going to sext definitely the one you love and would hate to lose is the one to do it with!All the best.

Original poster
Kione · 04/02/2013 22:00

but it is really good to see that your martiage got over it and that you are stronger now... I wish my friends could read this, they think nothing of it! just something to kill the boredom of day to day life...
I feel weird even thinking of sexting him, because I want to try the sext, but not have sex afterwards - not yet at least...
why do we loose our libido anyway???? its so Sad

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Bogeyface · 04/02/2013 22:13

Sexting your DH would be a good idea!

I remember one of the things that I said to H that shook him to the core. He didnt want sex with me while I was pg and he was having the affair. I said that he could have had an affair with me, that I would have enjoyed some "secret" texting between us and maybe snuck away for the weekend. He said he realised when I said that just how much it had hurt me that he turned to someone else, especially when I was so hurt at his rejection of me physically.

I dont think we will ever get over this tbh. Some do and I am glad that slippers has but I dont think we ever truly will :(

Slippersox · 05/02/2013 09:13

So sad for you Bogey.How long has it been?One of the reasons we got over it- and tbh I'm not sure I ever truly will deep down inside- is because my DH didn't get as far as having sex with OW ,nor did he sneak away for a weekend although just before I found out he out he had arranged to meet her somewhere other than their usual work based meet up so I will always know things were progressing apace, and will never know just how far they would have gone IYKWIM ?
Sounds like your DH has become so much more detached and involved so can totally understand why you are struggling so.The only words of comfort I can offer is that other wonderful posters I have read on MN seem to have recovered their marriages after bigger betrayals than mine was- if there is ever a way to measure these things?!What would be a dealbreaker for some ,others manage to forgive and move on from.Afraid I've realisedI'm not the best at forgive and forget and for me it's been a real struggle.

meditrina · 05/02/2013 11:41

As an aside, never but never believe someone who says they haven't had sex for years, and their DW isn't interested. It's one of the oldest lines in the book.

A lovely friend of mine discovered her H's affair, which included his telling the OW they hadn't had sex for over 3 years and she was uninterested in him. That was news to her, and she is devastated.

Original poster
Kione · 05/02/2013 18:23

I dont agree meditrina, there are couples that dont gave sex for years and there are some examples in mumsnet. I went trough a spell myself, so my DP could have easily said that

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meditrina · 05/02/2013 18:25

Was your DP likely to say it in a sext, or in a supportive forum seeking advice on improving things within the marriage?

Huge difference in motivation and intent.

Original poster
Kione · 05/02/2013 18:32

no, I meant that if he said it my text or in other ways, he wouldn't be lying. So I am sure there are lots of men that don't lie when they say things like that.

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