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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Part time husband

57 replies

swedishmum · 25/04/2006 21:38

I know there are lots of people with partners abroad but please indulge me - I'm fed up tonight. My dh works away, usually only for a few days at a time but at very short notice. I was in the supermarket today when he phoned to say he was leaving for Poland that minute - thought he was home all week. JUst fed up of explaining to the kids I suppose. I wouldn't mind but he's only a computer bloke - not saving lives or protecting people. After 13 years and 4 kids I'm really fed up. My life has been on hold for so long now.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 25/04/2006 21:39

How possible is it to tell him, do you think?

Original poster

swedishmum · 25/04/2006 21:46

He loves his job and misses the kids - doesn't really get it from my point of view. His dad lost a business when we were younger and he's keen on being the provider too. He wants money, i just want a life.

OP posts:

SHHHH · 25/04/2006 21:48

I understand where you are coming from esp as my dh is also a "computer bloke". He worked abroard for a year and that was hard enough esp as we were desperatly trying for a baby..

He's now more local which suits us both but I understand that he may have to travel to where the work is..I am lucky in the fact that dd (11 months) and I can go with him.

Have you told your dh how you feel..?? He may not be aware of how things are..?

One thing dh tells me is that in the IT industry you have to take work when it comes and where it is because business is not always going to be how it is now..Younger people are getting qualified and even kids aged 5 now know about computers etc (gosh, I only learnt around 16!!). DH says work is only available until he is a certain age..sadly..I just hope that we can look back on this when/if he's happily retired at 45.

handlemecarefully · 25/04/2006 21:48

Huge sympathies. You need to talk, talk and talk again (in a none combative way). Sorry, you've probably already done this. Why are men so emotionally dense sometimes!!!

Original poster

swedishmum · 25/04/2006 21:52

I just feel so jealous of people with normal relationships. He wants me to go to india with him next week - 10 hrs flight with dd (2) in tow while farming out the other 3 won't be fun for me for 4 days but eh thinks it willbe my treat! Also finishing pg course myself, not really time. I sound like such a miserable old cow tonight - sorry!

OP posts:

SHHHH · 25/04/2006 21:56

You don't sound misrable...just alone..! I honestly know how you feel..I hated the fact that some weeks I didn't see dh for 2 weeks..I could handle it while I was in work but the weekends were shit. Going out with friends in couples while I played gooseberry.! Not fun. And then to find out he was out having dinner or in a pub watching the match .

Blokes don't always see it our point of view. The can go where and when the want kids or no kids. They don't realise the organising us women do esp with kids..! Like we can up and leave at short notice.

FrayedKnot · 25/04/2006 22:02

Can only offer sympathy I'm afraid sm.

Dh was made redundant 18 months ago & he was lucky enough to find a new job quite quickly but the "occasional travel" that was mentioned at his interview has turned into European trips every 2-3 weeks and I've been getting mighty sick of it.

he is totally shattered all teh time, at weekends he often has work to do as well, & he is irritable and grumpy.

There's no point in me making a big deal of it because at least he's got a job, works hard, earns good money and we have a good lifestyle. I do work too but have nothing like his earning potential and my job is way down the priority list.

I do feel disgruntled sometimes though.

What would you like to be doing that you can't b/c of your current lifestyle?

Original poster

swedishmum · 25/04/2006 22:03

My pet hate is when he tells me what a good meal he's had in a wonderful restaurant, or how Robbie Williams is at the bar.... never seems that interested when I tell him about trying a new dishwasher tablet.

OP posts:

Original poster

swedishmum · 25/04/2006 22:09

FrayedKnot - I'd just like to be able to plan really. To accept invitations or have people round and know he'd be there, know he'd be at a school concert or parents' evening. Nothing much really. It holds me back with work too - I need to be around practically with 4 kids from 2 - 12 and living in the middle of the country. But it could be worse - he earns decent money and loves his family.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 25/04/2006 22:12

Actually, Swedishmum, I have to say I think you have every justification for feeling utterly at the end of your tether. I think he almost certainly doesn't realise just how much you are holding everything together.

handlemecarefully · 25/04/2006 22:13

Agree completely.

NotQuiteCockney · 25/04/2006 22:14

It's certainly not unreasonable for you to be annoyed and fed up. My DH does maybe 4 weeks of travel per year, always with loads of advance notice, and often scheduled so he runs off while we're on holiday, so I can take a longer holiday with the kids, but still have his help for both flights. And still, the travel really annoys me.

Is this just his particular job? Could he get one with less travel? It sounds like he quite enjoys the travel, though ...

SHHHH · 25/04/2006 22:25

I would be annoyed esp if Robbie williams was at the bar ... .

My dad worked away LOADS and still does (now 59). It was a shame as it was always my mum I went to if I was upset or needed anything. Never my dad. I think my dad realises that now esp now he has a gd. I think dh see's how it's affected me and my sister and he wants to do his best NOT to have dd being brought up inthe same lifestyle.

My mum tells me now how hard it was for her, for dad to call and say what restaurant he's in or what he's doing etc. What really annoyed her is when he got home and she wanted to continue her social life with him..he was always to tired or couldn't be bothered as he's spent x hours on a plane...I see it from my dads side but also my mums. My dad and like a lot of men they have pressue to be the breadwinner and sometimes they have to take sacrifices. Sadly they feel the family they leave will still be there in a weeks or a months time .

It's all about finding a compromise though. Will you not consider India for a break.? Surley if dh is with you he will help you with your dd on the flight etc..?

motherinferior · 25/04/2006 22:28

I can see the hassle of sorting out the other three kids for a 10 hour flight and four days in India - and correct me if I'm wrong but I don't expect he does 50 per cent of the parenting when he is on hand? Me, I think it might be a good point to say no, and start bringing a few things round to your point of view.

It would also really, really, REALLY bug me about work.

Original poster

swedishmum · 25/04/2006 22:33

We are lucky to travel with him or using points he gets for travel - less so now that dd1 is at secondary school. I'm quite brave about travelling - quite experienced too and I would love to go to India but I've lost all my energy at the moment. Normally I'd love it.
It's just like today when he goes at very short notice and I get left to pick up the pieces again.
Maybe I'm just jealous - I have a better degree blah blah blah and I'm stuck at home. I'll probably get a grip tomorrow.

OP posts:

Original poster

swedishmum · 25/04/2006 22:36

I really don't want to go - I just know I'll end up shattered, especially with a toddler in tow. I just want some time formyself really. No reasonable childcare options so can't even go for a swim by myself. I stood outside the car in the rain today waiting for dd1's school bus because it was so quiet!

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SHHHH · 25/04/2006 22:40

MI, that may be so but to me it sounds like he's the one bringing in the main wage..It's not always as simple as saying no..

Having had a dad and previously my dh work in an environment like this I can also understand that they can't always pick and choose what they do.. You say he's on a good wage, imo thats the sacrifice you make. Is he self employed or permi staff.??

Dh always consults me about contracts he takes on and about how our future is going. I appreciate this as it allows me to voice my opinion when I start to get annoyed. Why don't you try and tell him you prefer him to listen to you more even if it is about "little everday" things.?

SM can't you talk to your dh.?

handlemecarefully · 25/04/2006 22:41

Swedishmum,

I'm with you - I'd rather shoot myself in the head then travel 10 hours to India with 2 yr old(nice touch of delly belly - that would be good for the 2 year old eh?) and farm out the other children to friends and relatives...

SHHHH · 25/04/2006 22:43

sorry didn;t mean that last question to sound as it did .
Mean to say, can't you sit down and talk through your feelings? Does dh know how you feel now.? He may be mortified to know things are so bad for you right now.

motherinferior · 25/04/2006 22:43

But it's rather stacked against Swedishmum bringing in a wage at all (she's mentioned work) the way things are.

SM, don't do India if you're not up to it.

FrayedKnot · 25/04/2006 22:43

I know exactly where you are coming from SM.

I only have 1 DS so juggling things is easier but going back to work has been a bit of a lifesaver for me. I feel so much more positive.

I can see why this would be pretty hard for you with 4 to fit round.

I think you must talk to him again about it.

handlemecarefully · 25/04/2006 22:44

"You say he's on a good wage, imo thats the sacrifice you make"

Have to disagree in a mild none argumentative way Shhh. You are presupposing that swedishmum wants and agrees to this level of earnings on her dh's part - however, she might be happy for him to sacrifice a bit of salary but be at home more often

SHHHH · 25/04/2006 22:48

Maybe I'm just jealous - I have a better degree blah blah blah and I'm stuck at home

This may be a cause..? Maybe you need to discuss the possibilities about you working pt.? I understand childcare can be expensive but can you have the younger one stay with friends or family while you work..? Even if you work while the older ones are in school.? At least this would give you the chance to spread your wings iykwim..?

Original poster

swedishmum · 25/04/2006 22:53

I just want to know when we're supposed to enjoy life. We have nice holidays but the house is a mess (half-done jobs, no time to choose new carpets etc) and I look ancient and knackered - despite the vitalumiere which is a definite plus.

OP posts:

SHHHH · 25/04/2006 22:53

hmc, obviously from your point and what sm says,sm doesn't want money to take over family life. Then sm you need to talk to your dh and tell him this!

I am a sahm and dh is earning v good money. Yeah I have days when I feel like banging my head against a wall but then there are days when I love the lifestyle we have. I love having holidays abroard,nice clothes,and to be able to spoil our dd. I know all this comes with a sacrifice that dh could be told to work shit hours, abroad or even be jobless without notice. BUT dh also knows that we both need to be happy with what work decisions he makes.

Point I am making is that you need to make sure you are both on the same level.

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