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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Part time husband

57 replies

swedishmum · 25/04/2006 21:38

I know there are lots of people with partners abroad but please indulge me - I'm fed up tonight. My dh works away, usually only for a few days at a time but at very short notice. I was in the supermarket today when he phoned to say he was leaving for Poland that minute - thought he was home all week. JUst fed up of explaining to the kids I suppose. I wouldn't mind but he's only a computer bloke - not saving lives or protecting people. After 13 years and 4 kids I'm really fed up. My life has been on hold for so long now.

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 25/04/2006 22:55

I think she would be better off using his reasonable earnings to pay for a gym membership with creche!, a mother's help, a cleaner, and go shopping at regular intervals [wide grin emoticon] - now that's spreading your wings.

handlemecarefully · 25/04/2006 22:56

Agree completely Shhhh - there needs to be a shared vision

SHHHH · 25/04/2006 22:56

IMO I think you dh is oblivious to your needs and feelings. Maybe he can just see the pounds signs and not his dw..?? I agree something men can get carried away with..even my dh..
BTW vitalumiere is a definate must !! .

Original poster

swedishmum · 25/04/2006 22:57

It's the lack of opportunity for childcare that's the problem in our very rural area - plus I'm fed up with teaching anyway. I will admit that I'm happier out of the home and have enjoyed the odd bit of work I've done recently. When I've written my essay and finished my course maybe I'll look for a new challenge.

OP posts:

SHHHH · 25/04/2006 23:02

Maybe it's a challenge you need. Maybe something you can work towards may make you feel human again.?
I know myself, being a sahm can get you down sometimes..having noone to talk to,baby to chase after, not having office gossip .

Are you able to consider what hmc suggested..? Any gyms or beauty places local.?

Original poster

swedishmum · 25/04/2006 23:06

We do have cleaners - it's childcare I need help with. Maybe that can be my new challenge. I don't like asking for help - makes me feel a failure - but I know I need it.

Look on the bright side - at least no-one's going to keep me awake by snoring tonight. I'm so pathetic - I know lots of people have it much worse than me. I'm going to ask for an extension for my coursework in the morning as well - that's stressing me too.

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 25/04/2006 23:09

Why would you feel a failure? It's your god given right as a mum of 4 children to have help with child care!

Jeez just 2 pre schoolers has driven me to drink! lol

Original poster

swedishmum · 25/04/2006 23:14

I just think everyone else is a better housewife than me I suppose - not that that would be hard!

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handlemecarefully · 25/04/2006 23:17

You're nuts woman! Don't be so damn hard on yourself.....

You sound a bit low. You need to self administer some tlc

SHHHH · 25/04/2006 23:19

Housework can wait! Having an immaculate home is not everything.

You need to focus on yourself and to give yourself some tlc.

I agree with hmc, 4 kids must be manic... DH & I wanted 5..think I may be looking to you for advice in 10 years time!!

Go to bed and get a good nights sleep (snorefree..!) and hopefully things will be better tomorrow.

SHHHH · 25/04/2006 23:20

hmc snap.!

SM take our advice..! Also go shopping tomorro..always cheers me up..for a few hours anyway.! xx

Original poster

swedishmum · 26/04/2006 12:17

Thank you for the support. Feel much better today - can't go shopping today as I'm tutoring, but will book in some retail therapy for later in the week. ALso, not going to India. Right, on with my essay.

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SHHHH · 26/04/2006 20:56

sm, glad you feel better today...xx

lucykate · 26/04/2006 21:02

i can sympathise, my dh works away all week, every week and i'm feeling pretty fed up about it all at the moment, and i only have 2 kids to look after, not 4.

dh is down in london for 3 days, his mobi has gone flat, he's forgotton his charger, he's just rung from a phone box and i'm feeling so fed up, tired and ill, i literally just told him to f*off

foxinsocks · 26/04/2006 21:03

oh swedishmum, it's very hard. My dh travels for his job - it's got a lot better in the last few years but when both of mine were tiny (1 and 2), he used to get phonecalls and head off for days. One notable trip - we had just got back from a long weekend away (v rare), had just put the key in the door when he was called and had to go off first thing the next morning. In a way, it destroyed the break for me because the minute I was home, it was back to normal again.

One of my friends said something the other day - she said she is amazed how many of her friends are essentially single mothers. They are married but have husbands who are not around often and cannot be guaranteed to be around for anything. In a way it is worse though, because were you a truly single mother, you'd probably have sorted out a better support system. As it is, you muddle by knowing you have an income and a husband but not the support.

Is there any way you could find a job or a better more fulfilling job than you have now?

Original poster

swedishmum · 26/04/2006 22:40

Last week we flew back from Iceland. Dh came back to the car with us, then swapped his bag to go to Budapest and Warsaw. I drove the 4 kids home. It would just be nice to travel together sometimes.
Sil came round today and we had a good moan at the men in the family! Lucykate, it gets so frustrating doesn't it!
I don't think I could do a job - I take dd to bus at 7.35 (10 mins), come back and wake up nos. 2 and 3 (no. 4 comes with me) - they are at different schools and my school run trip is another 10 miles. I have to work really hard to fit in my shower in this time if I'm working. Plus dealing with puppy (dh thought I'd like him - he's a cute but v demanding labrador puppy), bins, baby. Nearest half decent town (Canterbury) is 20 miles away. One day...
In the meantime, I've got an extension on my coursework, so I'm off to Bluewater on a lipstick hunt tomorrow. Shallow but fun - I deserve it!

OP posts:

Orinoco · 27/04/2006 22:05

Hi Swedishmum, just another message to let you know you're not alone, my dh's "occasional overnight stays" have turned into go on Monday morning (sometimes Sunday evening) and back on Friday. (He works for a Swedish company actually!). I work at the weekends and we just don't get to see each other (but hey, we're arguing a lot less!)

My problem is that he spends so much time in hotels that he expects the same at home - maids picking up towels, clean sheets and towels every day, eating what he wants when he wants (no matter what the family's plans are!) and no toys on the floor! It stresses me out trying to get things perfect for him (as I'm not exactly Anthea) so as not to ruin the short time we have together.

Know where you're coming from, thinking of you.

cod · 27/04/2006 22:06

mien too IT bloke
i reackpm you take the money you do the time

Orinoco · 27/04/2006 22:36

my dh's not in IT, he doesn't even get paid that well for it, hence the reason I have to work at the weekend!

Original poster

swedishmum · 27/04/2006 23:52

I don't do towel picking up either - he wonders why life at home with 4 kids is more messy than hotel room. Erm, can't imagine! Thanks for the support - I know there are lots of us out there. I don't feel that sorry for myself usually, but it really does impact on family life.

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Original poster

swedishmum · 27/04/2006 23:54

I'm so not Anthea either Orinoco!

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Orinoco · 28/04/2006 21:26

notasheep · 29/04/2006 23:41

Cant he get another job?

vicky99 · 01/05/2006 15:36

Hello swedish mum. i'm also a swdeish mum whith a dh who is away alot. it's not easy when all your family is still home in sweden and you here with no family support.

Cadbury · 01/05/2006 15:50

Hi Sweedish mum - just wanted to say that I understand how you are feeling completely. My dh seems to be more away than home at the moment and the frequency, distance and duration of his trip s seem to be increasing with each year! I do tend to know in advance though when he will be away so at least I can plan but I understand your frustration.

I wanted to let you know that am in Medway (not that far from you) and if you fancied getting together to moan about things or have coffee and eat cake, then let me know I have a dd of 5 and a ds of 2, both are pickles

Feel free to email or add me to msn (if you have it) I am cadbury 73 at hotmail dot com (sqish it all together and chance the dot and the at for . and @)

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