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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stop smothering me!!! [angryface]

79 replies

Lyceum · 03/02/2013 15:08

We've been living together for nearly 2 years and I love him dearly. He treats me really well, would do anything for me, and he is a proper partner in my life.

There's just one thing... he won't leave me alone! I can't seem to have any personal space, he follows me around the house chatting and always wants to come with me when I go anywhere. He says he just likes being with me.

I like being with him too, just not all the time.... I can say I want an early night, so I can go to bed and read, and he suddenly decides he wants an early night too. He's not so keen on them when he's snoring on the sofa of an evening and I tell him to go to bed Hmm

I just feel smothered, and it's making me resentful.

Is there a way that I can convey this to him so that he doesn't take it personally? It really isn't personal, I'm like this with everyone, it's nothing to do with him....

I just need to get this out really, so that it stops me from hurting his feelings, I love him Sad But this is driving me fucking crazy!

OP posts:
frustratedashell · 03/02/2013 15:11

sounds like hes insecure maybe? Has he been cheated on in the past?

Original poster
Lyceum · 03/02/2013 15:15

I think his ex cheated. But I don't think it's in a jealousy/controlling way - it's more like he really enjoys my company! Which is flattering, of course - just frustrating. I've always enjoyed my own company, and am quite happy doing my own thing to a degree - but so is he. He has a hobby that takes him out twice a week, and it's all good.

I just don't know why he wouldn't enjoy the odd evening on his own. Or going to see his friends on his own - he always wants me to go. It's fun, they're nice lads, but I'd sooner stay in and watch tv ALONE once in a while Wink

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 03/02/2013 15:20

Maybe next time he's off out with his mates and suggests you go too, just casually say - oh, no. You go. I'll be fine, i like a little time slobbing here on my own. I'll get some chocci in and watch xxx (something he doesn't like) on the telly.

It may be a gentle way to introduce him to the fact that you are happy and actually enjoy a little time alone?

frustratedashell · 03/02/2013 15:22

fluffys suggestion is good. If hints dont work you may have to just tell him as nicely as possible

Original poster
Lyceum · 03/02/2013 15:26

I've sort of tried that. But he goes on about them being my friends too, and they all like me, blah blah, and sort of guilts me into going.

I know I sound like a bitch.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 03/02/2013 15:33

Well, i think you have to stick to your guns and insist on your evening at home alone with what ever little treats you've said you'll have.

Perhaps this would be the perfect moment to hammer home press the point that - yes, and i like your mates too, but i do so enjoy the odd couple of hours chilling by myself. It makes it all the nicer when you come home ....

Or something Grin

frustratedashell · 03/02/2013 15:35

I think you have to stick to your guns lyceum. He doesnt own you!

OrangeLily · 03/02/2013 15:36

My DH does that too. I just tell him when I want some alone time, it's OK he understands and actually enjoys his enforced alone time.

Don't worry just tell him what you need.

Absoluteeightiesgirl · 03/02/2013 15:38

Oh man.... This would drive me nuts. I think you need to sit down and be very honest about it. I think you need to tell him you are starting to feel smothered. I actually don't think there is any other way to dress it up to be frank.
You really don't sound like a bitch.

natsmum100 · 03/02/2013 15:40

I think you really need to get the message across, Lyceum. Stop being so nice! If you don't, you will begin to resent him and that won't be good for your relationship. I've been there.

fluffyraggies · 03/02/2013 15:41

Does he work alone? From home maybe?

I'm just thinking i can be guilty of being a bit full on, if i've been home alone all day, when DH comes home from work. He's spent the day surrounded by people and wants P&Q and i'm the opposite.

I've trained myself to give him space at those times.

tribpot · 03/02/2013 15:43

I don't think you sound like a bitch. People have different needs and it's always a balancing act finding the right level of whatever aspect of domestic life it is where you differ. My parents, for example, have been happily married for over 30 years despite regularly living in different houses :) They have two homes and my mum prefers one, has more social life there and stuff to be doing, my step-dad the other. So they spend some time together in both houses, some time apart. Mostly together, I should add!

I think you need to tell him what you've said here - it's nothing personal, you love him, but you just need more personal space than he does. You want some time on your own in the house (and trust me, this is a massive luxury, don't deny yourself it whilst you don't have children underfoot). And you need to be able to chill and do your own thing.

Be direct - you're perfectly entitled to enjoy your own company.

dreamingbohemian · 03/02/2013 15:47

I think you need to remind yourself there is nothing wrong with wanting some alone time. It doesn't make you a bitch or anything!

You need to keep this in mind so that when you talk to him, you remember that you are not actually asking for anything unreasonable. If he tries to guilt you or gets really upset or doesn't respect what you're saying, then he's wrong. It doesn't mean that what you're asking for is unreasonable.

I had this issue with an ex and he was a real jerk about it and made me feel like I was abnormal.

My DH on the other hand has always been very laidback about it. He doesn't really seem to need alone time like I do, but he understands it's not personal and doesn't give me any grief about it.

HollyBerryBush · 03/02/2013 15:51

DH was like this - and still would be given half a chance. Think it took 5 years for me to stop him doing things that other people would find 'sweet' - like breakfast in bed (only invalids need BinB), I dont not want my dinner the moment I walk in the door (I want coffee and a fag) - the only thing I can't seem to cure him of is the arsenic hour phone call. Ok, you may be bored and stuck in a traffic jam, I am cooking and don't want a pointless conversation whilst teenage fridge raiding by stealth goes on Grin

Dh is very gregarious, I am quite insular - he does understand now my need for 'space' and quiet isn't a reflection on him.

nickelbabe · 03/02/2013 15:53

arsenic hour?
Shock

Dryjuice25 · 03/02/2013 16:18

Just a word of caution my ex was like that. I couldn't do anything on my own and it was a fucking nightmare. Even after breaking up, he still believes he owns me!!!

This might never go away and your resentment might turn to anger or give you a feeling that this man is not respecting your wish for some space. This might also manifest itself in other areas of your life too....

Is he controlling or does he lack in self esteem?

wordyBird · 03/02/2013 16:19

Hmm. What's he like if you go out on your own? Does he ever leave you to it, does he always try to come too,or send you multiple texts, etc ? ask you questions when you come back?

I feel a bit Hmm because a friend's boyfriend was like this ? wouldn't leave her alone, wouldn't let her sit for half an hour with a book, he was always there smiling and touching and wanting attention. It was very similar to your 'early night' scenario. Of course, it seemed sweet, but it irritated her. I didn't think anything of it.

When they finally married and had a child, he turned into a very different man.

So OP, I would gently insist on your personal space right now. If he loves you, he will be only too glad to respect your wishes.

Original poster
Lyceum · 03/02/2013 16:21

wtf is arsenic hour? Grin

This ^^

You wouldn't believe this from my posts, but I am really assertive irl. Our whole relationship is based on both of us being able to be honest. This is just one thing that I can't seem to be honest about - probably because no matter how I word it, it will sound like I don't want him around me all the time. BUT I DON'T!

No, he works in a busy office surrounded by people, as do I. We have 4 dc between us, and have varying amounts of them in the house at various times. So there's pretty much always someone talking at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lyceum · 03/02/2013 16:26

No, he's not controlling. He knows that I wouldn't put up with it for a second if he tried that.

I don't seem to go out much on my own any more - that's purely coincidental though. Just lack of time, money and cantbearsed-ness.

He does seem to crave attention though. What brought it home to me this weekend was that we were having a chat and I mentioned that I was thinking about organising a meet with someone I talk to on another forum. He suggested we all meet with all the kids and do something together.

I don't want that though! I want to go on my own for some girl stuff!

OP posts:
CaseyShraeger · 03/02/2013 16:38

Are you an introvert while he's an extravert? Introverts need time alone to emotionally "recharge" while extraverts get the same effect from being with other (that might be a good way to broach the subject with him).

Original poster
Lyceum · 03/02/2013 16:40

I am very much an introvert. A bit of a hermit really. He's the same though tbh, he rarely goes out socially, just for his hobby, he'd rather stay in and watch telly with me. I do like that, it's just that he doesn't seem to understand that I need time alone sometimes.

Occasionally, I will warn him in advance that I'm going to read in bed for a bit. So he comes to bed with me and 'watches' me while I read Hmm I fucking hate it! I may have overreacted to that once or twice Wink

OP posts:
kalidanger · 03/02/2013 16:52

Is he kinda grabby of your person too? Touching and str

kalidanger · 03/02/2013 16:53

oking etc?

(soz, sausage finger)

Jux · 03/02/2013 16:57

This will kill your relationship, so you may need to be cruel to be kind.

Just tell him straight. I want some girl time. I want some time on my own.

Are you seeing less of your friends because you're seeing more of his? Watch out for that.

Original poster
Lyceum · 03/02/2013 17:05

Actually Jux, I don't really have any friends..... I have people that I talk to online and occasionally I go out in a big group, but I prefer the people that live in my computer Blush

My ideal night would be dicking around on the internet in an empty house with good food Grin

kalidanger, he used to be like that, but he's not really any more. We have 2 big sofas in the living room, one for me and one for him Grin

Recently he has taken to coming to sit next to me on 'my' sofa - after several nights with my face like this Hmm he has retreated back to his own Grin

OP posts: