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Original poster

Getting back the passion after an affair...

105 replies

jenny99 · 03/02/2013 11:59

Last night my husband and I kissed for the first time since May. I have had (and admitted to) having an affair and we are both working on rebuilding our marriage.

He feels that sex is an important part of it yet I feel not ready for that yet and feel as tho that will be 'the icing on the cake' when I know things will work out. I'm not trying to withhold it etc I just don't feel the urge or want to do it for the sake of it. We have discussed this and he also says he only wants me to do it if I am ready and want to do it.

We want to work things out yet just don't know yet whether it will be ok or not. things have been rocky for 1-2 yrs.

So it started out quite nice and tender and I was waiting to feel some passion. I didn't :(

I just wanted to feel his passion for me, his wanting me as he keeps saying how much he loves me and wants me. I know an affair is all about the thrill and excitement but I hoped that after abstinence with OH for so long there may have been a bit?!

Is this an indication it will never be ok again or will it grow as our relationship betters?

The sex was a bit boring for a long long time and will need to be addressed if we stay together but I don't think now is the right time. I tried many times to spice things up a bit over the last few years and he was happy how it was....

I can't tell him yet that it wasn't great. But I want to feel a bit of passion! Aargh. Not sure what I want to hear from anyone but maybe just want to get it off my chest.

Thank you for reading x

OP posts:
meditrina · 03/02/2013 12:09

You are the one who had the affair?

Have you fully accepted your role as the one who needs to heal the non-affair partner? And this means giving them the say in the rate of healing and when a sexual relationship resumes. The bottom line is that you rejected your DH for the affair, and you are continuing to reject him now. He has every reason to be ambivalent about you, and that's not a great place either to be in or to ignite passion from.

Are you truly committed to a reconciliation? It can take years for the non-affair partner to heal. It may be better for you to decide to leave, if feeling passion outweighs all else.

asktheaudience · 03/02/2013 12:10

My first thought would be that as it was you that had the affair, surely it's more important that he feels that you are passionate about him?

His self-esteem has probably taken a huge body blow as a result of your cheating. If you are deadly serious about saving your marriage, then surely your priority should be making him feel secure again so that he feels able to express his love without fear of being made a fool of again?

glasscompletelybroken · 03/02/2013 12:12

Your post reads as though it's your husband who had the affair not you.

How may more ways can you think of to humiliate this man?

Numberlock · 03/02/2013 12:13

When did the affair end and did it end because you got found out?

FlorriesDragons · 03/02/2013 12:14

A relationship without any passion would be a killer for me too. It's very obvious that you are facibg up to your mistakes and you want to be with this man and want to feel passion for him but I'm not aware of how you can make yourself feel something that you don't. So sorry, perhaps someone else will have some more helpful ideas.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/02/2013 12:16

" I'm not trying to withhold it etc I just don't feel the urge or want to do it for the sake of it."

This is a very dysfunctional relationship that seems to be all about what you want. You've cheated on him and now you're hanging about waiting to feel 'the urge'? Put the poor bastard out of his misery and have the decency to let him move on and find someone that actually likes him....

Numberlock · 03/02/2013 12:19

I remember your other posts I think. Was it an emotional affair with an old flame currently living abroad? Have you now cut all contact?

Original poster
jenny99 · 03/02/2013 12:21

Thank you for your replies.

I had the affair. It has ended. I had very strong feelings for the OM. I admitted it because I wanted to rebuild our marriage properly with honesty. I wouldn't have been found out.

I know I should be healing the non affair partner and I know how this reads but the facts are that our marriage isn't great and it needs working on. I simply can't say I have had an affair and am sorry and I love you forever and lets put this behind us.

I want to say I have had an affair and I am sorry and it was wrong and I love you. BUT I still don't know if our marriage can work.

I know that sounds terrible.

But I so want it to work out but we have to be happy and I want to be attracted to my husband again the way I once was.

I know how I should be behaving to him and be full of remorse etc which I am, don't get me wrong, I feel awful. But that aside doesn't heal the marriage.

Therefore I am seeking to find out how to get the passion back. Yes probably two ways.

I know he finds it hard to look at me without thinking about what I have done. So I'm sure it was hard for him to kiss me too. I know he enjoyed it (he kept saying so and I could feel his ...er...hard on...) (we were lying in bed) and I was truly so so upset that it didnt turn me on at all :(

OP posts:
nkf · 03/02/2013 12:22

I want. I'm waiting. I feel. I didn't. The number of times you write the word "I" is a big giveaway. It's all about you isn't it?

Numberlock · 03/02/2013 12:25

Leave him.

Original poster
jenny99 · 03/02/2013 12:27

Yes it started as an EA as he is abroad and ended up with 4 days together in November. Contact has now been cut completely.

I have told OH how I feel. I have told him that he also has a choice. I have told him that maybe it is over and that I know he would easily find someone else. I have told him I understand if he throws me out. I have not led him along or made him stay.

We have both decided that we did once have 'it' and we really want to rekindle it if we can.

We both want to try and are having joint and individual counselling.

I am really trying. I want it to work. We have so much going for us. But I want passion too.

OP posts:
Lizzabadger · 03/02/2013 12:27

You sound narcissistic.

I think you should end the relationship for his sake.

Original poster
jenny99 · 03/02/2013 12:29

Yes, I guess my posts will be about how I am feeling won't they?

That's why I am posting. I want to get the right feelings back and love and appreciate my wonderful OH in the way he deserves but right now I am finding it hard. I know how he feels too but it probably wasnt relevant to write that? What matters is that we both want to work hard at this. Isn't that what matters?

That's all.

OP posts:
MikeLitoris · 03/02/2013 12:30

Do this man a huge favour and leave.

You sound incredibly selfish.

Numberlock · 03/02/2013 12:32

What were the reasons for ending the affair, especially so soon after spending time together?

I think you should move out, at least while you work through things with your husband or decide to end it.

TheOriginalLadyFT · 03/02/2013 12:36

Nothing like getting a bit of support, eh? Hmm

Of course what you post will be about you, it would be odd if you presumed to talk about how your husband is feeling.

I suspect your counselling will help you resolve why you had an affair and from that whether you can rekindle how you felt about your husband. I don't think there's a formula which will suddenly make you lust after him, and the other things I'm sure you're feeling (guilt, confusion) certainly aren't conducive to passion.

I hope you work things out, whether that means staying together or deciding to live apart.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/02/2013 12:38

"I have told him that maybe it is over "

Don't you see how cruel you're being? You told him about the OM when he need never have found out. You're using words like 'maybe' about your love. You're holding out false hopes whilst waiting for this 'passion' to miraculously return. If it's not working, stop torturing him...

melbie · 03/02/2013 12:39

I think it is so difficult. You can't make yourself feel something in the same way you can't always stop the romantic feelings drifting away in a relationship. Do you feel you are still emotionally attached to the OM? You may have said in another thread but are you seeing a counsellor? I don't think your feelings for your husband will be fixed until you can fix yourself and work out a) what made you do it in the first place and b) make sure you are over the OM. It might sound selfish but you can't heal your husband if you are still broken and have not worked out the root cause of it all. I am sorry I don't have any very useful advice but I think you need to talk it through with a professional. Good luck

minnieroll · 03/02/2013 12:42

Affairs often don't start because of just one person's selfishness. I'm sure jenny99's dh hasn't covered himself in glory over the years if she felt the need to look elsewhere. Is not always as cut and dried as it seems. Sounds difficult jenny99. I would hazard a guess that it is time to move on for you.

asktheaudience · 03/02/2013 12:42

You can't manufacture passion.

You sound like you're trying to find with your H the same thrill you got from your affair. This is all but impossible, as it by definition doesn't have the excitement factor of a secret, illicit liaison.

The passion to be found in a long-term relationship it is very different from what you found in your affair.

melbie · 03/02/2013 12:42

Sorry just seen you are having counselling. That is good.

Bobbybird40 · 03/02/2013 12:46

I would think it would be hard to find passion for somebody who is allowing you to walk all over him. Split up FFs.

MikeLitoris · 03/02/2013 12:52

Ah, so now it the dhs fault minnie?

Utter tosh.

Of course the op will post about her own feeling, but there come a point when you have to put your dhs feeling above yours. Especially when you had an affair.

If you arent sure of what you want from your marriage be honest. Move out and and get yourself together. Dont keep him hanging on waiting for crumbs of affection that you may or may not decide to toss his way.

minnieroll · 03/02/2013 12:59

No Mike, i did not say it was dh's fault but most likely more complex reasoning than jenny99's pure selfishness.

badinage · 03/02/2013 13:02

Does your husband know that the OM finished your relationship after you met him?

Have you had a STI check?