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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating chat thread still going! Number 39

999 replies

lubeybooby · 02/02/2013 12:26

Here we are all

Dating related chit chat here

OP posts:
AndLibbyMakesThree · 04/02/2013 14:47

Thanks for replying Lubey, I'm having a real wobble today. No, it's not his behaviour, it's just me and those old insecurities creeping in.

ike1 · 04/02/2013 14:55

Kin and Vel have obvs got the same lurgy.....have you been sharing something/one girls...hmmm?

Original poster
lubeybooby · 04/02/2013 14:55

Hang on in there then Libby, just try and stamp on any thoughts as and when they occur if you know he isn't causing it.

OP posts:
KinNora · 04/02/2013 15:04

I'm hardly an authority on this, Libby, as I haven't found a man that I care about thus far, but the way I rationalise it is that the choice is either to allow yourself to feel for someone and accept the inherent risk of being hurt or to shut yourself off forever and never have the good things that come with a relationship. You could say that your previous relationship has proved that you're strong enough to cope with anything and look at it that way round.

VelvetSpoon · 04/02/2013 15:05

Libby I think Lubey is right, unless there's anything in his behaviour making you feel insecure you just have to try and take it as it comes.

You may have had bad experiences in the past BUT that doesnt mean they will be repeated. MrC isn't your Ex, and honestly there's no reason to think this will go wrong.

It is hard though, I entirely understand. I have a pretty disastrous relationship history, and I do think nothing will ever work out for me. I also tend to compare myself to other people. So even though all seems to be going ok for now with Cuthbert, the pessimistic part of me does think well in 3 months (our first date was in October) it hasnt exactly gone very far - compared to a friend of mine who met a bloke at Xmas and they are already 'in a relationship' on FB and planning a summer holiday together Hmm

I find all I can do is focus on the positive, and try not to overthink it all...

KinNora · 04/02/2013 15:06

You're right, I think we do have the same lurgy, Ike. No sharing, honest guv.

ike1 · 04/02/2013 15:08

Libby ...although you have been through a wretched experience....it did not destroy you remember that...

ike1 · 04/02/2013 15:10

Meanwhile ....I am booking in some botox and going to have my hair done...fuck it!

KinNora · 04/02/2013 15:12

Go for it, Ike, what with your new pubic hairstyle, it's a whole new image.

AndLibbyMakesThree · 04/02/2013 15:12

Thanks all - on way out now - will reply properly this eve.

ike1 · 04/02/2013 15:18

Well exactly and its all for me! (Ike tries to sound excited about that)

KinNora · 04/02/2013 15:31

It means we're empowered, sista - fist pump, look at us, we're like a pair of Pankhursts.

< goes off to hug toilet bowl again >

48howdidthathappen · 04/02/2013 17:11

Libby I Try to only worry about stuff I can influence. Everything else is a waste of head space.

Enjoy what you have today Smile

OhWesternWind · 04/02/2013 17:25

libby, 48 is very wise. I know so well how easy it is to get caught up in insecurities from the past it's really horrible and can drive you up the wall with whittling. And there's nothing we can do, except to be ourselves, to influence how our relationships work out. The worst thing would be to lose the chance of something good by being afraid and hiding behind defensive walls all the time. I'm guilty of that myself too, but I'm really trying to come out in the open about my feelings for LM. I hope he feels the same, but even if he doesn't at least I've been honest and true to my own feelings.

Am now on antibiotics and feeling a bit odd so please excuse any incoherent posting.

watchoutforthatsnail · 04/02/2013 17:43

hope they kick in soon western.

So, can someone tell me if im being nuts ( like in regards to ywk)

Goat boy and i have been texting again all day, ALL day. Without a doubt there is something there, there MUST be to keep up that level, and its not even half filth, its just general chit chat, jokes ( ie, i tidied my bedroom, took a pic, moved some stuff, took another and played spot the difference). Its just silly stuff mixed in with getting to know you stuff, like today he was at the chiropractor and i know what and where and what etc. So, im not seeing him today which i didnt think i was going to be, but it was a might. It will be tihs week sometime. He said he was just shatted after working 3x 14hr days in a row, fair enough. I said, no, it was fine, he said he was pleased i didnt think he was a knob. i said no, and i have no right to be pestering him anyway and he said im not, if he didnt like it, he would just tell me to fuck off and that im not doing anything wrong. We chatted a bit more and now hes calling me this evening after dinner.

Obviously he said he doesnt want anything heavy. I know that. But there is SOMETHING there. Or am i just being silly?

Should i just listen and cut my losses and ignore everthing, or do i just go with it and see what happens, giving it a chance, but being fully aware and still going on dates and stuff? ( which is what i think)

Original poster
lubeybooby · 04/02/2013 17:46

Watch you did have that chemistry, but his behaviour apres sex was a massive indicator of what he really thinks about women.

Do you really want to be with someone who thinks women are just for providing sex and tea? Because he really showed some true colours there.

Just be on your guard... massively so.

OP posts:
Original poster
lubeybooby · 04/02/2013 17:48

again it's that thing of, if they can behave like that when it's meant to be all best behaviour and impressing each other, which should come naturally if that chemistry was genuine... and it hasn't, and he's behaved like then, then well... it's a red flag.

And you should have told him that yes you did think he was a knob! Why make him feel better? He deserves it both barrels.

OP posts:
OhWesternWind · 04/02/2013 17:50

Hmmm Watch he's making a big effort but it does sound like his true colours showed the other day. And you weren't that impressed with his performance either. I'd be very wary.

And I'm not sure if you do or not, but if you do want something longer term then just leave this one be.

48howdidthathappen · 04/02/2013 17:53

Honest answer. I don't do arseholes.

watchoutforthatsnail · 04/02/2013 17:55

he might have been joking about the tea thing. i dont know.... its been a bit 'verbal sparing'
to be fair he did offer to get me a drink, get covers etc after sex and did tell me to text him when i got home so he knew i was safe.

I think i pulled him up on sometihng, and he said he was joking, and ive been giving it to him as well. which, i have. Ive called him all names under the sun AND mocked his penis. and all sorts. Im not horrible, i dont hate ( some) men.

Its not my usual technique, but you know when you meet someone and its so electric, that theres some almost agression there? Animalistic almost.

I dont think hes a nob, hes shattered. I wouldnt be a nob if i was shattered.

watchoutforthatsnail · 04/02/2013 17:58

hes not making any more effort than he has been, its been consistant... and has stayed the same since before we met, if not more contact actually.

ideally id like sometihng long term, obviously you cant tell if you want long term with someone when you have just met them. i dont think he would be long term, i expect it would burn out quickly anyway.....

but there is sometihng there, isnt there?

Original poster
lubeybooby · 04/02/2013 18:02

Well, my official judgement is that he is a knob. By all means give him another chance but I think he will prove me right in the end. So yeah, keep that guard up

By that I mean don't stop dating

Do not let any further 'jokey' comment or attitude go unmentioned

Don't make any effort that he doesn't make

Don't be taken in by the chemistry... some guys are good at faking it to get what they want

Also the amount he text yesterday when you mostly couldn't reply, is also a red flag.

OP posts:
Scrazy · 04/02/2013 18:13

Watch, I would say if you are happy to go over to his for sex now and again then this guy will be your guy. You cannot tell when you first meet someone if you want long term. You need to have a few months worth of dates to see if it has legs or burns out. The red flag is that this guy has said he isn't open to that, the getting to know each other, if he won't even give it chance then I would treat him the same. Reciprocate his actions, mirror his behaviour.

I also don't get the incessant texting/contact. When you first meet someone each of you should have some respect and boundaries as far as contact goes. People need to get on with their lives not spend all day texting someone.

watchoutforthatsnail · 04/02/2013 18:16

I was replying. He didnt reply unless i did.

He might be a good faker, this is true. Im not sure either way. Im seeing him friday day time, for the whole day.... so i reckon it will be confirmed one way or another then.

I cant check his jokey comments if im making them to him..... difficult.

mercury7 · 04/02/2013 18:20

' some guys are good at faking it to get what they want'

I agree, anyone who's manipulative is very good at spotting just the right person who will succumb to their particular brand of charm, gathering information as they interact with you, scoping you out, getting a feel for exactly what you will and wont put up with.

Arguably we all do it to an extent, but nice people are prepared to give as much as they take.