Why do people have affairs?

[navada]

Is it always due to a bad marriage/partnership? - or is it pure selfishness?

I haven't had one btw, neither has my dh, I'm just wondering as it seems so common.

why is it so hard for those of you who say "don't have an affair - end the marriage if it is so crap " to understand it is possible to have a crap marriage but a happy family life?

Where did this idea that the children can always tell come about?

It's perfectly possible for a couple who don't love each other to still treat each other with kindness and respect and present a united parenting front.

Not all unhappily married couples scream and shout at each other, or interact with simmering hostility

That is right, Feck. We respond to their vulnerablity AS we feel our own loneliness etc.

'Of all endings, death can be the kindest' - Emerson. If my H was dead, I could have mourned him. But unbeknownst to me, my marriage ended when he leaned forward and told a complete stranger who he wanted to fuck, that he did not love his wife any more. So with my betrayal I received lies (which undermine the fundamental trust of any relationship) and also, the witnessing of him preferring emotionally and physically another person. What I thought I had died, but he is right here.

It f-ing hurts and nothing can be done about it.

Who says I'm doing nothing? Doing this has given me the incentive to pick myself up, to get a job, to be putting money away every month. It gives me the confidence to stand up to my DH's bullying, to know my worth. It's not a quick process but I will get there in the end.

I think soothing yourself by saying that you're putting your children's needs above your own is delusional. You're not. You're putting your needs before your children's. But to support that delusion, you have to have a further delusion that your kids are unaffected by living with an abuser. They are not unaffected, believe me. and if you don't, read the threads from adults who tell the truth about what it was like to live in a home like that.

snowy is your OM married too?

But like someone else here said, crap husbands can be good fathers. It's possible to smooth everything over at home and for children to be happy.
I will not choose my happiness over theirs.

good fathers don't emotionally abuse their kids mother. They are not good dads at all.

Do I get double the abuse if I say he is? Of course he is, it couldn't work otherwise. We have an agreement that if either of us wants more then it's over. It fills a gap for both of us for the time being.

that's crap for his wife then isn't it? Or is she an emotional abuser too and so it's alright then?

When i moved out of home at 19 and moved in with dh 21 yrs ago my DM moved into my bedroom.
Two years ago my mum found a recipt from a jewellers in a wardrobe in my dads room.
The bracelet was not for her. My DM isnt into showing affection as far as i can tell.
I was well aware of this growiing up. I think my dad had an affair when i was 8. On the way back from seeing my grandparents my mum opened the door while the car was on the fucking moterway and threatened to jump. Frightened the life out of me and my then 6 yr old bro.
My dm can be cold emotionally She shows her love towards me in material ways but id rather have the emotional support frankly.
Two yrs ago this bracelet incident was a real catalyst for me. I dont want to get to my 70s and be in that situation.
Growing up and into adulthood i swore i would not be like my mum. But ironically ive tried so hard not to be like her ive ended up like my dad and in a similar situation as him.

Yes it is crap for his wife. I do feel guilt for that. I have no idea what she is like. We have never discussed our marriages. For all I know she could be the most perfect wife in the world. I don't even know how long he has been married for, could be 2 years could be 20.

You go, Snowy! ONly on MN is it a quick process, bam bam change! - and leave the bastard.

Cinc - the kids don't SEE it! They don't hear 'you f-ing bitch [slap].' They hear 'hello how was your day?' and 'I am getting the electrician in' and 'can you pay' and 'I booked .... for July'. All the ordinary mundane shit of MARRIAGE. Our RELATIONSHIP is not their problem!!!!! FFS...

H is a good father. He models awful intimacy, but they dont' SEE that! You have to be in your 20s. I thought I had all the answers then, too.

I am not, and could not, have an affair. That makes me as bad as him.

But Snowy you carry on with that job kiddo. You carry on setting boundaries, and you carry on not bowing down.

You haven't got my support over OM. Do it without him.

darkest are you staying solely because you're a carer, or are there other reasons? What would happen for example if you weren't there? I'm just trying to see whether you've got other fears about leaving your husband and it's not pure altruism on your part. Could you support yourself if you left?

Abitwobbly - that is it exactly. My children aren't in my bedroom to hear him demand sex whilst withholding any other affection. They think our life here is lovely. Even better now mummy isnt "sad all the time" like she used to be.

Exit affairs are pretty common, IME.

Understand totally Feck DH and i get on as flatmates and friends. He can be emotionally abusive but its not often. Most of it comes from my DM When she found out about my affair she said i was acting like a whore. She started crying waving her hands about and thrashing the floor begging me not to leave DH. She was broght up in a different culture. I have since learnt that this comes under cultural/religious abuse.

Yeah cin. They are just queueing up to rehouse women WITHOUT children.

'Cinc - the kids don't SEE it! '

Oh yes they do. They see your pain. They see his. They know this isn't like their friends families. They are watching and learning from you. They can see you're not happy people. If you think a man who's an abuser is a good dad, ask your kids in years to come if you gave them a good example of happy marriage.

I'm late forties in a marriage of 26 years.

Re-house? Why would 'they' rehouse a single woman with no kids who could work?

Wouldn't you work and get a private rental, if you've got no children or caring responsibilities?

a different job that didn't involve overnight childcare, that paid more than the low-paying one and enough to get a private rent. sorry but do you realise how hard that is to do? She has taken legal advice and there is very little that you can do if someone leaves the country. Yes she could go on benefits but her children would still end up at a very rough and failing school.

I'm not saying that she does not have other options...just that none of her choices are "obviously right". And as Abit says, people can be good parents but rubbish partners.

It's not work OR benefits though is it? If her husband skipped the country and the CSA could do nothing, then she could claim benefits to top up her earnings. I accept it's not easy finding jobs, but if she's on low pay now it makes the transition a bit easier and it would be a question of renting in a reasonable catchment area. Being on benefits doesn't equate to living near a sink school.

Really depends where you live though for that one. I couldn't live in the area I do now on any work and benefits I could get. So I would have to change the children's schools and move to a rough area. No other choices, I've checked it all out.

It really isn't as simple and clear cut as people assume.

Cinc, no they don't. And nor does anybody else. When I tried to broach the subject of H not being so kind to me, DS20 expressed astonishment and said that 3 - count that, 3 - of DS mates have told him he is so lucky to live in a loving family! . That is because we are attentive parents who in this area work as a team.

Cinc, please try to receive information. If more than four people are telling you the same thing, either 4 people are deluded, or you are not understanding nuances.

On top of it all, if I left now my IC would be, WTF? IC gets what I (and snowy) are trying to consolidate. He is as impressed by pride-in-poverty as I am [arf]

Cin have you got any idea how much a private rental costs. The main job in my area is retail which pays minimum wage or a few pence above. Thats when they are not using workfare.