Why do people have affairs?

[navada]

Is it always due to a bad marriage/partnership? - or is it pure selfishness?

I haven't had one btw, neither has my dh, I'm just wondering as it seems so common.

[Charbon]

It's not rare at all confusion. In fact, it's extremely common. One of the big self-protections people have when involved in an affair (especially if the partner is married himself) is to assume that one's own reasons for doing so must also apply to him - and everyone else in this situation. It helps with the guilt and it helps with the idealisation of your own and the other person's character. If you're telling yourself that you're having an affair for the sole reason that 'there's something missing in my home life' it's a defence mechanism to project that on to the other person - and everyone else. If you had to confront the idea that there is never one reason for why people have affairs (emotional or otherwise) it might require a bit more self-introspection and sometimes, some realisation about the other person's potential alternative motives too.

It's really hard for people in the midst of something like this to be honest with themselves though and so honesty with the other person is even more difficult. So one of the ways of coping is to erect a defence for one's own behaviour and if the other person is mirroring that, it leads to a belief that there is only ever one reason for why good people get involved elsewhere.

[Bobbybird40]

So cronull do you and dp have a kind of unwritten rule that you can sneak about behind each other's backs? If you want a bit of sex with somebody else?

[cronullansw]

Not at all Bobby, it is never discussed, as to all intents and purposes, it isn't happening and certainly I, and I have to assume my DP, don't want to thrust the stigma of extramarital sex into each others faces. :)

Charbon - ah, the 'whos' getting in over their head' point. And here the wonderful internet comes into play, one can very carefully outline ones likes, preferences and intentions before one embarks upon an adventure, so there is no ambiguity, no ''but I thought you loved me.......'' conversations.

It's not a meeting of minds, with like-minded, tortured souls, star crossed lovers, who meet IRL and fall for each other, it's two people with the same intentions, to have some fun, to put a spark into one anothers lives maybe one afternoon a fortnight, to be cared for, to make someone else smile.

This isn't because you aren't being cared for at home, this is purely the jam on the cake. This isn't a relationship substitute, this is added spice.

[Hatpin]

Cronulla, the only reason I can imagine someone not being open with their spouse about seeking extramarital sex is because they know it would not be approved.

What other reason would there be?

[backonline]

I think that people have affairs for lots of different reasons. However I think that it is an over simplification to say that it is always because the guilty party does not care about their partner and/or wants excitement.

There are a lot of people who feel trapped in a marriage which does not give them what they need. When a spouse does not meet someone's emotional needs, but does not do anything terrible, and where finances, personal circumstances etc make leaving difficult, then I can understand why someone may have an affair. I have a friend who is in this position. Her husband does not see emotional support, companionship etc as important. He has his job, computer, hobbies etc. He will not agree to discuss anything, will not agree to a divorce as he says that he is perfectly happy and that any problems are "her fault". Divorce isn't that easy, especially as he is the main breadwinner, she has small children, etc.

I'm not saying that she is "right", just that she was desperately lonely.

My brother also had an affair. His wife was obsessed by the kids (7 and 9 at the time) and had no time or energy left for him. He helped a lot with the children but any attempt to get her to spend time with him alone, without the kids, failed. We'd offer to baby sit so they could have an evening out, weekend away etc but she just said that she didn't want to, that they (she and my db) were "past all of that" etc. She wouldn't even spend evenings in with him, "as a couple" (ie just chatting, or watching TV together) it was like a switch had gone off when she had the kids. She had her children, and her girl friends, so didn't want to talk to him. He tried talking to her about it (so did I actually) but she just said that she was happy, that marriage is "about the children" etc etc. Again he was desperately lonely but didn't want to lose contact with his kids and ended up having an affair with someone from work. He has now ended that and is trying to get her to go to Relate but she still insists that there isn't a problem and that he needs to find friends outside the marriage etc etc. (Not that easy for a man as most men do not want to provide emotional support for their male friends).

So in some cases I do think that people have affairs because they are very lonely within their outwardly happy marriages, and that they do not leave because their partners appear very happy/it is hard to leave/they have kids, and they cannot fix their marriages because their partners are uninterested in fixing it as their partners are getting what they want.

I know that the obviously response here is that the partners are not getting what they want as what they want is a faithful partner and this is very true. But in some cases it is the partner who is also trying to "have their cake and eat it" in some ways as the partner wants the practical side of marriage but is not prepared to provide companionable or emotional support.

[BeforeAndAfter]

My ex had an affair because he had opportunity, OW was relentless in her pursuit and he felt flattered and wanted. He told me that at his age (then 58) he was contemplating his mortality and felt he only had 10 or so years left of good health (based on parents) and wanted to live life to the full while he could. We had a good relationship, friendship, no money worries and a comfortable retirement was within reach but he thought he was no longer the centre of my world and didn't have the courage to talk to me. In summary he shagged OW due to ego and cowardice.

[Darkesteyes]

backonline that is a brilliant post. I am in a similar situation to yr friend. Which ive mentioned upthread on page 1.
You end up being in a situation where you lose all hope and all faith in human nature.
My h is quite happy with the way things are. Hasnt touched me for 17 yrs. My affair made me feel like a woman again and my ex OM was the first time a man had ever given me an orgasm at the age of 31.
I turn 40 this year and have been spending a lot of the last couple of months in tears.
Because i feel that a lot of people just wouldnt understand.
But posts like yours show me that not everyone sees things as just black and white so thankyou.

[confusionoftheillusion]

backonline - thanks for showing the other side to people who end up being the OW or end up having an OM. Or both.

[TheOwlService]

Darkesteyes, why did your affair end and why are you still with your H? (If it is not too intrusive a question).

[Darkesteyes]

Because my ex OM was showing a few EA red flags. Im beginning to wonder now though if that could have been ironed out.
i also have EA parents. No support in RL at all. Well not unless you are being who they want you to be.

[TheOwlService]

Things are never straightforward are they and its hard if you dont have support. Life is never as black and white as some people would like it to be and Its so easy to stereotype people, dictate what is right and wrong and put them into boxes.
How long ago did it end?

[Darkesteyes]

Just over 5 years just after NY 2008. I feel lonely. Im almost 40 and seem to want affection and sex even more now. I looked at the IE website. But i dont want to do anything that could hurt someone else or their children.
And all the male profiles on there seem to say the same thing. That they all go to the gym and are looking for a slim woman.
Im a size 20 and now slipping into 18s. My self esteem cant really take any more knocks.

[Charbon]

I think dating sites are a terrible idea for someone with low self esteem, especially the one you've mentioned Darkesteyes. I'd also caution against thinking that emotional abuse can be 'ironed out'.

I too wonder why you don't end your marriage instead of these options?

I've just read backonline's post with interest and although I agree and have already said on this thread that there are many reasons for affairs, what struck me again was how sexual stereotypes might get in the way of people's understanding about affairs. I'm sure for example that there is more to the friend than the depiction of a lonely housewife and that there's more to the SIL than a woman who is 'obsessed with kids'. Another one was the observation that 'most men don't want to provide emotional support for their friends'. These felt like very one-dimensional, clichéd stereotypes of men and women, rather than more rounded assessments of those people's individual characters.

It's really fascinating to look at gender scripts and how these impact on the roles people play when having an affair and on the roles they assign to their spouse, the lover and the lover's spouse. I've even known it to impact on people's hearing when they learn something about a marital situation that doesn't fit the sexual stereotype. For example, OM 'not hearing' that a husband doesn't want sex but does his fair share of housework - only absorbing the bits about him being uncomfortable talking about emotions and feelings. Or the OW who screens out the bits about the wife enjoying sex and making her husband laugh, absorbing only that she 'nags' about the housework and her workload.

If what people are hearing doesn't fit the sexual stereotype of men and women that are in their heads - and it wouldn't suit them to challenge it - it's amazing what gets screened out.

[Abitwobblynow]

All I know is that although it is being the making of me 'is' because it is ongoing], it [my husband's affair] has been the most devastating thing of my entire life. I had invested a lot in trusting and believing in my husband as the one person in life who loved me and was there for me.

So whilst I can rationally look at [both of] our immaturity now, and take steps to personally grow up, the emotionally violent loss of that hope was... obliterating. It was like a nuclear holocaust at the time. I honestly don't think I will ever feel such emotional pain again.

[Abitwobblynow]

All I know is that although it is being the making of me [I use 'is' because it is ongoing], it [my husband's affair] has been the most devastating thing of my entire life. I had invested a lot in trusting and believing in my husband as the one person in life who loved me and was there for me.

So whilst I can rationally look at [both of] our immaturity now, and take steps to personally grow up, the emotionally violent loss of that hope was... obliterating. It was like a nuclear holocaust at the time. I honestly don't think I will ever feel such emotional pain again.

[SnowBusiness]

But abitwobbly, i still don't know why you haven't left if it caused you so much pain (wasn't it a few years ago) and you are still no further with finding a resolution for your pain. How do you live day to day?

[Abitwobblynow]

Hi Snow, this is the 'does LTB solve the problem' debate. I will give you the answer I gave to Cleopatra and Charlotte:

Thanks Cleopatra I agree, but I am not going to kid myself that I don't have work to do as well. And the whole finding myself in a bedsit thing doesn't appeal to me at all.
One of the hooks that ties a person to a narcissist is waiting/hoping/expecting them to change. This is a VERY hard think to unhook - they SHOULD be human and normal!! If we just explained/injected enough urgency/used the right words ... But as Les Carter says 'expecting a narcissist to be non-narcissistic is an exercise in futility'.
So it really is one of my lessons (and it has taken THREE YEARS to start getting it) to truly accept 'he really is like this, he is this empty' in order to start to let go. I wouldn't get it in a bedsit would I? I would just be setting myself up for the next one...
So I live as though I am alone. When I am impervious to his sulks and covert digs, ie they do not affect my sense of self and my equilibrium or my purpose in life, then I will know that finally, after 50 years of narcissism, I am healed.

Remember, in the last years (which you dismiss as just time marking) I have completely changed the dynamic. I no longer get emotional, shout, try to reach him, be sarcastic, be (frankly) emotionally abusive... he is left in his own space and he doesn't have to use any defenses to try to ward me off. AND HE DOESN'T LIKE IT AT ALL. But - not my problem. Only one person I can change and that is myself. And my job is to unhook myself from narcissistic dynamics and learn to recognise them and not buy into them. THAT more than any divorce or separation, will free me. I know I havent' got there, because last week I fell for a position in a case work exercise, and it was pointed out that the man in the couple was narcissistic and 'victim'... this issue is beyond marriage or LTB. I have a lot of faults too!

Charlotte [asked how he was in IC], remember the psychologists said he wasn't a malignant narcissist? He checked himself into IC because he wanted to be a better person.
that lasted as long as he discovered that it would involved hard emotional work and self reflection He hardly goes now. I go faithfully every week. I really do want to live the second half of my life with more fulfilment and inner peace than the first half. He said it, but I'm working on it.

[SnowBusiness]

You sound very vulnerable abitwobbly and I'm not sure that LTB wouldn't help ad you describe an utterly broken relationship anyway. Emotionally you have definitely separated. I'm not sure I understand your case study - areuyou always the victim?

[snowyskies]

It always seems so black and white on these threads. Bad people have affairs and good people would never stray.

Three of my very close friends have had affairs. They are all good people. Only one of them left her husband. And she wasn't the one with higher morals, or who had found the love of her life. She left because she could afford to and only had one small child.

The bottom line is some women are very unhappily married, they stay for financial reasons and for their children. It's all very well being told to leave a DH who doesn't care/is emotionally abusive/is too busy with hobbies etc. But it's a tough world out there for women who have been a SAHM for years and have no money of their own. Especially if they are married to somebody who isn't going to go quietly. Far easier to carry on living their life and find some way to ease the loneliness.

And yes that's why I do it too.

As for why do men do it? Who knows. Attention I'm guessing. From the men I know and the occasional one on here, most men will manage without sex if they truly love their partner and are content with life in general. So it isn't just for sex.

[Abitwobblynow]

I am not fucking vulnerable! I am following a careful plan to move from a position of ECONOMIC vulnerability and dependency [long term SAHM], to a position of professional working! [bangs head on table].

And to develop my own circle of friends and interests (ie emotional support), and this all takes time.

Thank you Snowyskies. From the 'It's all very well...' - please read carefully. THIS is the reality. I have fully accepted I have a functioning marriage (united on parents, no overt abuse), but no relationship. Instead of flouncing off in a huff for poverty filled pride I am accepting those parameters and working within them.

[backonline]

Charbon I think that you are imposing the stereotypes onto my post. Obviously people have more to them than can ever be posted in a forum. However I was not simply saying that my friend was a bored HW and so had an affair etc.

My point was that in both cases one party was not getting companionship and emotional support from their marriage, one because their partner simply seemed incapable of giving it and the other because their partner saw marriage as "all about the children". The sex of each does not matter.

Some people go into marriage looking for a companion for life, someone to "share life with". Others go into it for far more practical reasons, wanting someone to co-parent with, spend bank holidays with etc. but not wanting to forge an intimate emotional bond. Most people are somewhere between the two extremes.

However one reason for some affairs is that someone needing to form an intimate emotional bond with their partner ends up married to someone who is simply uninterested in doing, or unable to do, this.

[snowyskies]

Abitwobbly - I am sorry for what happened to you. My DH has never cheated on me (that I know of) but there are more ways than that to kill somebody's love. I found a job, got a social life, became happy but there was still something missing. I accept what I (and women like me) am doing is wrong, one day I will face judgement for that. Until then I can function, as a wife, as a mother, as a person. A life without ever feeling affection is a poor shadow of a life.

[Sioda]

Oh would people stop with the silly black/white, good/bad person nonsense! What does that even mean? Or does it just help people to justify affairs because you can paint the rest of us as simplistic, lacking in understanding and judgmental? It certainly has nothing to do with what most people have actually posted in this thread. I suppose it allows you to continue to feel better about something that you feel guilty about by insisting that no one understands you, everyone else is mean and you're a good boy/girl really... Are we 5?

Charbon I'm so glad there are people like you with patience out there to help people. I assume you're a counsellor or something in real life, paid or unpaid. I don't know how you do it. I'd give myself a concussion from facepalming.

[blurr]

My DH cheated on me with a very close friend for 3 years. I found out, I was devastated, he was my best friend (although during this time he had withdrawn affection).He promised no contact but he kept going back to her. I asked him to leave but he wouldn't, saying he loved me...

But although we are still together, for the sake of the children and for financial issues, he still hardly touches me or makes love to me (maybe two/three times a year, after I initiate). Perhaps he doesn't really love me anymore. I was lonely, unhappy and lacked any self esteem.

Someone started showing me some attention, complimenting me, took me out, touched me affectionately and the next thing I knew I was having an affair. He made me happy after ages of sadness.

I would never have considered having an affair; I know it is wrong and have broken it off many times. But I like him and we are more affectionate towards each other than our own partners. We would never leave our families for each other but it makes living a little easier.

This is why I had an affair, it made life a little happier.

[snowyskies]

People need to understand that having an affair does not make a person bad. That behaviour is bad but it doesn't mean they are. Weak maybe, or selfish or all the other words that get used but not bad. Good people sometimes do bad things.

I think it's easy to be judgemental, I know I used to be. It's easy to say you would never be tempted because you aren't that type of person, but sometimes circumstances change, life changes, and what seemed wrong now doesn't seem as wrong.

It's also easier to do it if it's normal behaviour in your circle of friends. That's not an excuse, it's the same for any type of behaviour, it becomes more the norm.

I feel guilt. Of course I do. But I rationalise it and deal with it. I made my choices, I didn't fall into them, I don't blame others for them.