Why do people have affairs?

[navada]

Is it always due to a bad marriage/partnership? - or is it pure selfishness?

I haven't had one btw, neither has my dh, I'm just wondering as it seems so common.

[Darkesteyes]

It is also an incredibly selfish act to withdraw affection from a partner and then blame them when after years of this they seek affection elsewhere. It is not always just the sex act that a partner withdraws from. It is the intimacy and affection too.
It is incredibly controlling to withdraw from yr partner for years and say "Tough i dont want it any more so you cant either."
In this case the vows have ALREADY been broken. While NO ONE has the right to force or bully ANYONE into having sex or a sexual act they dont want to do, "with my body i thee worship" is just as much a marriage vow as "forsaking all others keep you only unto them"
Its not fair for people to cherry pick the vows they want to keep and ignore the rest..

[Sioda]

Darkest So the best response to one person breaking their vows is to break yours too is that it? If they're selfish you're allowed to be too right? Rather than, say, doing the blindingly obvious and ending a marriage that can't be fixed...

[cincodemayo]

Yes but you do have a choice! If your husband doesn't want sex then at least he's being honest with you so you can leave if you want to. Why the hell don't you do that instead of having affairs? You write about this as though there's no other option than to wallow in misery or screw around. You could leave, couldn't you?

[Darkesteyes]

Ask yourself this Sioda. Why doesnt the person who doesnt want affection anymore end the marriage hmm?? And take some damn responsibility for the way they feel.
I will tell you why. Because they want the STATUS of being married. Or a housekeeper to fulfil domestic duties. Or a partner to help contribute towards bills and the daily cost of living.
Trying to get support from my own family is a non starter because they are of the opinion that men come first.
My DN is almost 18 and is already getting these messages from them. I HAVE to be around for her.

[backonline]

Its not fair for people to cherry pick the vows they want to keep and ignore the rest..
I agree and this is what I am trying to say. The marriage vows say that both parties should love and comfort one another, as well as to keep faithful. Why is it seen as so much worse to be unfaithful than to not provide love or comfort?

I do agree that there is an argument that the right thing to do if someone does not provide comfort is to leave them, but as many have pointed out this isn't as easy as it can seem.

I am not saying that all affairs arise like this. I accept that some people are after the "being in-love" feeling, and that this does not last etc etc. However in both cases that I described, once the "being in-love" feeling in the marriage wore off, the more lasting love, the emotional bond, that remained was very one sided, with one party wanting to have a long term loving relationship and the other simply not that interested. So the affairs happened, but those affairs were motivated by a search for the long term companionship type love, not the short term "in-love" type love, and I think that it is unfair to assume that "being in-love" as opposed to "loving long term" is all that affairs are always about. I also suspect that it is not that uncommon to be seeking a more long term emotional attachment in an affair. Otherwise why would so many people have emotional affairs?

[snowyskies]

Yes that's right. I (and women like me) could leave. Of course it would mean pretty much a breadline existence. Children caught up in divorce warfare. Resentment, arguements, hostility. So much better for everyone that way. If I have to choose between honesty and happy children, I choose my children.

[Darkesteyes]

Abitwobbly and blurr I know what you both mean and i understand completely.


Oh and cin i dont screw around. I had ONE affair after SEVEN years of rejection so thanks for the thinly veiled mysogyny but no thanks!

[backonline]

the blindingly obvious and ending a marriage that can't be fixed...
why is it blindingly obvious? Their are countless reasons why ending a marriage can be anything but the obvious thing to do.

[Sioda]

blurr But the reason you needed to make your life happier was that you chose to stay in a marriage with a man who cheated on you, lied to you, ignores you and treats you with disdain. Because you believe that that was a better option financially and for the children and because your self-esteem is presumably still very low (how would it be otherwise given the relationship you're subjecting yourself to everyday?). I think you'll have difficulty finding many adult children who are grateful to their mothers for making herself miserable through their childhood and modelling that kind of relationship for them, unless the alternative is truly living on the breadline. There are other ways to make your life happier. Your 'd'h deserves no sympathy but you are free at any time to instead choose to work on whatever it is that's stopping you from giving yourself a better life.

[Owllady]

vanity
sociopathy
boredom
sex
affection
adrenaline
flattery
infatuation
domestic abuse
illness
love
I suppose the list is exhaustive really

[Darkesteyes]

backonline YES YES YES. My affair was an emotional loving one which lasted for 4 and a half years. It wasnt just sex or screwing around at all. My h hadnt touched me for years i had just turned 30 and had also just lost ten stone at that time. It all just came together at once. I met my OM at work. It wasnt planned.

[cincodemayo]

and it's really not so hard as is being made out for a woman to leave her marriage. It might mean less money, it might mean getting a job, it might mean a smaller house. But at least it's an honest life instead of sneaking around having affairs on the side and shifting your moral compass to the point where something that is undeniably wrong isn't wrong any longer. Staying in a marriage and cheating on the side because you don't want to give up the good life is sickening. You're not staying for the children, you're staying for yourself. No child wants to live with parents who are screwing around, however carefully you think you hide it from them some kids just know - and the young ones know that mum or dad's attention is fixed on their phones and not on them.

[cincodemayo]

Why don't you leave darkest eyes?

It's the question that you're continually evading!

[backonline]

cincodemayo what is your evidence for suggesting that Darkest "screws around"?

When someone says "my partner no longer provides any emotional support" then the replies do not translate that into "your partner hates you" etc. But when someone admits to one case of infidelity your reply talks of "screwing around".

It is almost as if you are saying that physical betrayal is infinitely worse than emotional rejection and betrayal which just isn't true. So whilst I could understand your asking Darkest why she does not leave (and I can think of many reasons why someone would not leave), I think that suggesting that she "screws around" is completely uncalled for.

[cincodemayo]

I don't care if you had one affair or 20 either and screwing around is a gender neutral term. If you've already had one affair and are trawling websites full of married men then that's screwing around or looking to in my book.

[Darkesteyes]

Cin i suggest you actually watch the news and take notice of what is going on around you. Womens services are being cut to the bone. Jobs are scarce. Especially for people who have been SAHPs OR carers for a long while. And you keep using the plural terms of affairs (multiple) Or the term "screwing around" Is there a little bit of projection here!

[snowyskies]

Actually for some people it IS that hard to leave a marriage. If somebody is in an emotionally abusive marriage the last thing they want to do is rock the boat. Those kind of men don't become nice when divorce is mentioned. Far better to carry on and find something to make life worth living.

And really? If most children were asked if they would rather live a happy comfortable life with two parents. Or live between two houses with mum trying to make ends meet and dad hating mum. They would choose the first.

[cincodemayo]

I think an open betrayal such as 'i don't want sex with you' is horrible but at least you have a choice about what to do. A secret betrayal is different because then you aren't given a choice.

[Sioda]

back Because in that case the poster seems to be saying that her partner has withdrawn affection and intimacy for years and is controlling and does not want to fix the problem because it's not a problem for them. So if fixing the marriage is not an option, leaving it is the blindingly obvious thing to do. Of course it's not in every case. But having an affair is never the blindingly obvious thing to do is it?

Darkest Yes yes your partner sounds like a pig. But why they do what they do is neither here nor there. You have no control over it. As for your DN the message she (presumably) is getting from your actions are that staying in an unhappy marriage and having an affair is a model for relationships.

back It might or might not be worse to have an affair vs. not provide love or comfort. I'd imagine that depends on the people involved and their circumstances. But this isn't a competition as to who's behaving worst is it?

snowy Because growing up with unhappily married parents who are cheating on each other is so much better is it? Have you asked many adults who grew up in that kind of family what they would have preferred? Most will tell you they'd have chosen divorced and poorer but happier parents. "Honesty or happy children" is a false dichotomy that you've set up.

[cincodemayo]

Don't kid yourself snowy about the children. In every thread here about whether it's best to stay for the children, posters always say that their parents did and it damaged them and left a legacy long into adulthood.

[snowyskies]

Cinco - I think you are obviously very lucky to have a partner who loves and respects you. I can assure you if I had that I would never look elsewhere. But until you have been in a dark place where you are starved of affection, you cannot make judgement on those that have been. Nobody knows how they would behave.

[Owllady]

snowyskies, were you that child? because I really don't agree. My Dad had loads of affairs and it unsettled us terribly and I really wish my Mother had of kicked him out years before for her own sake as well as ours

[Darkesteyes]

I was just looking thats all. And one of the reasons i decided not to go ahead is because i dont want to cause hurt to anyone else especially any children. Is that the act of a selfish person? I think not.

Oh and cin BEFORE my retail job where i met my ex OM i worked in a sex chatline office for two and a half years so if i wanted to "screw around" as you so eloquently put it i had plenty of oppurtunity back then. And i took the chatline job because it was the only job that paid enough money for me and DH to live on. He didnt give a shit that i was doing that job. There was no sex and therefore NO sexual jealousy.

[snowyskies]

I can't speak for anyone's children but my own. And I make my own decisions about how best to parent them. Maybe that isn't the way their childhood should be but that's up to me. I'm pretty certain that they would prefer this to the alternative but everybody's circumstances are different.

Some children are horribly damaged by divorce, death of a parent, abuse, lots of different things. I choose to protect my children as I see fit.

[Sioda]

Snowy yes but most children would choose chocolate over vegetables all day long too. Ask children who've grown up and have experienced the consequences. And again you've set up a false dichotomy. It's not a happy comfortable life with unhappy parents who don't love each other. They will know, don't delude yourself. Emotional abuse or any abuse is a different kettle of fish. It should go without saying that people who are being abused aren't included in the 'just leave' advice.