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Original poster

Don't want to upset dil

62 replies

Concernedmil · 29/01/2013 16:48

I live on my own, and my youngest son has suggested that I move to live near to his family. I would love to do this.
however, my dil, who is very close to her mother, has always wanted her parents to live near her. they would like to do this, but due to family circumstances can't do so at the moment. They spend far more time with my sons family than I do, visiting for a few days at a time but that has been fine with me.
I appreciate that a daughters bond with her mother is extra special but I have two sons, so have never had this.
I have already said to my son, that I would have no intention of keep 'popping' round to their house.
I think this situation has caused some tension between my son and his wife which is upsetting me and has taken the shine off the idea of moving near to them. However, I feel that my dil must understand that my two sons are my only family and I would like to be near one of them as much as her mother would like to be by her.
Any thoughts please?

OP posts:
CheeseandPickledOnion · 29/01/2013 16:51

Speak to your son. Ask him honestly if your DIL was aware of the suggestion before he posed it to you? If not perhaps they've not discussed. Ensure he relays the message that you have no intention of constantly dropping in, but you'd like to make spending time with them when they can easier.

Do you have a good relationship with DIL?

Original poster
Concernedmil · 29/01/2013 16:58

My son suggested this to me yesterday and explained his wife's feelings to me today. I then realised, that perhaps he hadn't actually asked her before he made the suggestion to me. I had been quite excited at the thought of moving yesterday but now I have doubts.
I don't actually see a great deal of my DIL, although when we do meet we get on well.

OP posts:
mentlejen · 29/01/2013 17:12

What's your relationship like with DIL? Do you talk to her much without her husband around? Do they have kids? How far away are her family? Would you be able to have them over/visit and talk through it all over the dinner table? Sounds like you need an open discussion about it all that starts with listening to her concerns..

We moved areas 2 years ago - we now live less than a 10 min drive from my MIL.

We chose to do this, but both DH and I had concerns about how often we'd see MIL and whether by arrangement etc. I worried about my MIL 'dropping in' a lot unannounced. The helpful thing for us was for me and her to talk about it and to agree that we'd need to be really open and frank with each other about how things are, the amount she comes to us and the amount of help I ask her for with childcare etc. We promised each other that we'd always tell one another if things overstepped any boundaries.

Roll forward 2 years and I have a great relationship with MIL and am really grateful for her help and support with the kids. I'd also say we're good friends - I invite her to stop in for coffee pretty often. We've had our run ins but nothing we haven't been able to discuss calmly and there are so many benefits for us all in the proximity; for the kids especially. The main reassurance for me is that she's really busy having her own life; if she'd been moving to near us I think I'd have worried about how much this would be the case.

The main sensitivity for me is actually my how this plays out with my SIL (MIL's daughter) who lives a couple of hours away...

There are also a few ground rules: I never say anything negative about DH at all and she doesn't comment on my housekeeping, how well I'm feeding her son or grandchildren or child discipline (unless she thinks it's a really serious issue!).

This could be a really great thing for all of you - it might be that concerns about it are making your DIL more jittery than the reality of it; as long as you're open and sensitive to her too this should be something you can overcome..

AutumnDreams · 29/01/2013 17:24

I am in exactly the same situation that you are. Some time after my husband died, each of my two sons suggested that I might want to be closer to them. They are only an hour away from each other, but a long way from me.

Sadly, I too felt a coldness towards the idea, from both my daughters-in-law. Consequently, I have never followed up on the idea.

I am exceptionally close to both my boys, and they are in touch as often as they can be. I have tried very hard to have a loving relationship with their wives, but politeness is all I get back. I find it quite baffling, and it causes me a great deal of pain.

You will obviously weigh up the pro`s and cons in your own case, but I have decided not to risk any possible unhappiness. Good luck in what you decide.

Cailinsalach · 29/01/2013 17:24

I think Mentlejen has made a few good points. Talk it over with your son and dil, have a think and then talk it over again.

Cailinsalach · 29/01/2013 17:26

Just read that back and I mean Mentlejen has made many good points.
Sorry!

Original poster
Concernedmil · 29/01/2013 17:33

Thank you for your helpful comments.
Here's some more background information. I see my son most weekdays as his business is in the town where I live (he took over the business from my late husband). I work in the office , as I have done for years and now I am on my own, it is an important part of my life, and I really enjoy it.
The suggestion to move nearer to him has come up because he is thinking of relocating the business to his home town. It is about 50 minutes away from me and he commutes here each day. He knows how much it means to me to be able to continue my job.
I do not see an awful lot of my dil , mainly because of the distance. My grandchildren are at school during the week and their weekends are usually quite busy. Rather than ring to speak to me, she tends to send messages via my son i.e suggestions for grandchildrens birthday presents. This is fine with me, as she knows I like to have suggestions, but I do feel it would be nicer if she actually rang me.

OP posts:
Pilgit · 29/01/2013 18:05

There are some good suggestions here and ground rules - and making it clear to DIL that if it happened you wouldn't be the MIL of nightmares would be good. Speaking from my own experience - I get on realy well with my MIL and wouldn't have a problem with PIL living closer. On the speaking front I don't really call them, DH does it. I will email FIL about dates and stuff but mainly DH communicates (or doesn't as he's a bit shit at it). I haven't picked it up as I see this as the thin end of the wedge before long you're reminding them of their own mother's birthday and, quite frankly, I'm not his PA. So she might have the same approach -i.e. she doesn't do the communicating so that DH has to take responsibility for it for his own family. With my DH this has worked as he usually remembers (more to the point he'll observe it's his brothers birthday coming up then ask me the date.... I hold these things in my memory for some reason). So it might not mean anything.

Good luck and you DS sounds lovely (even if he did forget to discuss with his DW!)

lalalonglegs · 29/01/2013 18:07

Unless your son lives in a two-house hamlet and by moving there, your dil's parents will never have the chance to relocate there as well, I really don't see what her problem is. You can try ringing her to reassure her that you won't be on her doorstep the whole time but she does sound unnecessarily hostile and unwelcoming.

Chrysanthemum5 · 29/01/2013 18:21

I think your DIL is being a bit mean. If her parents moved to their town would they have to reassure your son that they wouldn't be dropping in? I'd guess not.

If you want to live in their town (and it sounds like it would be easier if the company moves there) then I think you should. Talk to your son, and by all means clarify your independence, but I think you can /shoukd reasonably expect to be more involved in their lives.

My ILs moved to our town recently, and it's great. The DCs love seeing more of their GPs, and it's nicer for them to see us for short times, more frequently than was possible before. I am generally the one who pops in to see the ILs as I do school pick ups and they live near the school.

Jux · 29/01/2013 18:35

How can you moving to be near your work when the business relocates have an effect on whether your dil's parents move there too? This is a storm in a teacup. Your moving has nothing to do with her parents moving.

diddl · 29/01/2013 18:52

Well if you need to move for work then you do!

In fact, it´s entirely up to you where you live!

And of course even if you don´t move, her parents won´t suddenly be able to.

I can see she might be worried about you being there "all the time"-but that of course is also up to your son.

She does sound a bit odd/rude.

I find my MIL hard to get on with-but if I wanted her to buy something for one of the children, I can´t imagine not phoning to actually talk to her.

Do you get on with her as a rule?

Perhaps it has just brought it home how much she misses her Mum.

Original poster
Concernedmil · 29/01/2013 19:07

It is so good to read all your comments as I am unable to talk about this with anyone at the moment (the possibility of moving the business is a bit 'top secret' at the moment).
I think that what is upsetting DIL is the fact that she has wanted her parents to live near her for so long and now there is a possibility I could be nearer them first.
Yes , I would look forward to seeing the GC more often and would enjoy them popping in, even if only for a few minutes. This is not possible now because of the distance involved.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/01/2013 19:14

Autumn that is so sad. I am a mum to 2 boys, no daughters and I would be lying if I said that I don't worry about how welcome I will be in my son's homes in future.

OP - talk to your son. I think your DIL is being daft and unreasonable - after all you being there doesn't preclude her parents also being there in time!
And if he moves his business, then you will have to move otherwise you will have no job.

pictish · 29/01/2013 19:16

Well...we can't always get what we want, and your dil needs to understand that.

I'm sorry but I think this is a no brainer. You should move! You have already made it clear you are not going to be bothering her in any way, and it's not up to her who gets to live where, anyhow!!

To not move there just because her parents can't, would be totally nonsensical. If she thinks that's a valid complaint, then she's a very silly woman.

pictish · 29/01/2013 19:17

I think that what is upsetting DIL is the fact that she has wanted her parents to live near her for so long and now there is a possibility I could be nearer them first.

Oh well...that's life isn't it?

Original poster
Concernedmil · 29/01/2013 19:28

i am just concerned that I don't cause a rift between my son and DIL and that it would be uncomfortable if I did move. I don't want my son to feel that he is the 'piggy in the middle' trying to please both his wife and myself.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 29/01/2013 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 29/01/2013 19:31

Storm in a teacup indeed.

Your DIL is allowed to feel disappointed that her family can't move nearer, but that doesn't mean she's against you moving. I would seriously doubt she's said "my family can't move so I don't want your mum to". Even saying it sounds daft doesn't it?

I think you're seeing problems where there aren't any.

Catchingmockingbirds · 29/01/2013 19:31

Be careful of moving to be nearer your son & dil and then when the 'family circumstances' preventing DS and dil moving at the moment then change. The discussion to move closer to her parents may then come up.

pictish · 29/01/2013 19:31

Frankly, if you and he put the halters on this practical and appealing idea in order to placate your dil/his wife simply because her parents can't do the same, then there are problems in their marriage that need addressing.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 29/01/2013 19:33

I don't get why there's so many 'your DIL is unreasonable' posts when we don't even know what she's said.

MadameCastafiore · 29/01/2013 19:33

Bloody hell I thought you meant you were going to be living with them.

I would go down the route if you needing to be there due to the business relocating. Maybe your son should sell it to her that the business does not relocate if you are going to be caused inconvenience by not feeling welcome to be living nearer to them.

But I would just do it. It's a free country, you can live where you bloody well like. She'll have to get used to the idea and stop acting like a petulant bloody child.

You are too nice!

Original poster
Concernedmil · 29/01/2013 19:50

catching mocking birds - it's family circumstances that are preventing my DILs parents from moving not my son and DIL.
Keemanan - I hope you are right and this will turn out to be a storm in a teacup.
Anyway, I have some estate agents coming this week to give me a valuation!

OP posts:
EggRules · 29/01/2013 20:03

You say you "would enjoy them popping in, even if only for a few minutes". If my inlaws moved closer this is what would concern me most.

I don't know how your dil feels however, I hate pop in visitors. Even if my ils didn't mind the house not being visitor ready I would. I have lived apart from family so the idea of no being prepared for visitors would really bother me.
Also, I work from home at lot and would hate the interuption.

It could be that you dil has been bamboozled by your DS. Whilst you would prefer different communication, your DIL may be entirely happy. Why shouldn't messages about your dgc come via your son?