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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help - desperately need a girls input please.

28 replies

howdidithappen · 28/01/2013 15:31

Dont know where else to turn for some answers as I dont really know any ladies in RL that I can ask, but going out of my mind.

Potted history.

Single for since 2 years, amicable split with ex wife, still on excellent terms (very good friends)

Last year (February) contacted by a lady on a dating site. I put a profile up but never became a paid up member. We met up, hit it off, and after a few weeks fell head over heals with each other. She met my two daughters who idolised her, I met her to sons who got on great with me. Long distance relationship (1 hours drive) but saw each other sometimes 2 nights during the working week and at least every other weekend. Stumbling block was living together, but I had made up my mind that I was going to move to her town, just wasn't sure how I could do it, but over Christmas we talked about this year being the year to move in.

Had a wonderful Christmas spent mostly together, always telling each other how much we loved each other. Lovely NYE at a party, then NYD I had to go home.

Next time we see each other was the Saturday after New Year. Everything fine, spent the night together and as always parted by saying we loved each other.

Then the text's become a little "cold" over the next few days. I ask and she says she just has a lot on her mind (new job started on the 7th). I say no problem I'll leave you alone for a couple of days. The following Friday I notice on FB that I'm in a relationship, but she has removed her name. I txt her and she says that she still needs some space so finally I crack the following Wednesday and say Im going to call and talk to you. Next thing is a txt message in the morning saying dont want to talk, its over. Its not you its me etc etc. She then deletes me from FB and ALL mutual friends, including my girls who are devastated.

She wont speak to me or txt or answer emails.

I'm utterly devastated and am really struggling to move on as I dont know what went wrong. How can you fall out of love with someone in the space of 7 days ??

So ladies, any ideas on what might be going on with her from a girls perspective. Any input would really help as I just cant reconcile my world falling apart without knowing why ?

Thanks very much.

OP posts:
Xales · 28/01/2013 15:37

You may never get the answers you want. She has decided she doesn't want to be with you any more. Why I could only guess.

Unfortunately if you carry on contacting her you run the risk of being accused of harassment.

Best thing would probably be to send one last text saying you care about her, miss her and are there if she wants to contact you.

Then leave well alone.

Paintyourbox · 28/01/2013 15:42

Didn't want to read and run- I am sure some of the very wise women of the relationships board will be along soon with great advice.

From my perspective, it really is her- not you. The fact she has completely cut you out suggests that perhaps someone else is involved?

How old are your girls? Sounds like you need to sit them down and reassure them that regardless of whether or not you have a partner, you are their daddy and you will always be there. Make your family unit the number one priority and let this unpleasant person get on with her life.

poppymay13 · 28/01/2013 15:43

Its pretty cowardly that she's not explaining things. Maybe she wasn't being truthful for a while. But as Xales said don't keep contacting her or she may report you.

Lizzabadger · 28/01/2013 15:44

There are no "girls" here, only adult women.

Relationships end for all sorts of reasons and as Xales says, you will probably never know why.

Be gentle with yourself. Onwards and upwards.

Lovingfreedom · 28/01/2013 15:50

Well, firstly, you need to understand that the relationship is almost certainly over. For whatever reason, she wants out. But I can understand that you want 'answers'. Now, bear in mind that you might never find out the real or full reasons for her change in heart. I think all you can do is to send her a message saying something along the lines of:

'I understand that you want to end the relationship with me and I respect your decision. I'd like to understand what has happened to change the way that you feel though. I didn't see this coming and my feelings for you haven't changed. Would you be prepared to meet up to talk things through over coffee? I think that would really help me. If you feel that's too uncomfortable, would you at least consider writing to me to explain what has happened.'

If I had to guess, I'd say either:

  • she has got cold feet and the prospect of you moving in has scared her off/made her realise that the relationship isn't 'right'
  • she has met someone else/gone back to a previous partner etc
  • she thinks that you are seeing someone else/have been unfaithful or something like that.

Like I said the relationship is almost certainly over. You will come out of this better if you avoid the 'my world is falling apart' card. She will be much more inclined to talk to you if you remain calm, respect her wishes to end the relationship and ask her if she will explain what are her reasons.

Lovingfreedom · 28/01/2013 15:51

...or like other posters have said just face up to the fact that it's over...her loss...move on.

Original poster
howdidithappen · 28/01/2013 15:58

Thanks for the fast replies.

Lovingfreedom. I sent almost that exact email to her after the bombshell text, and got "its over.. move on" from her.

I haven't contacted her since and certainly not bombarding her with txts. I've left her alone, just found it incredibly hard to reconcile this situation with being madly in love such a short time ago. My girls are devastated for me (they are teenagers and we are very close) but also because of the way they were cast adrift too, they really did see her as someone special, as did I.

Thank you all for your input. It has helped. I've been dumped once before but had the opportunity of a face to face to be told. That was a walk in the park compared to this.

Thanks once again.

OP posts:
Charbon · 28/01/2013 16:05

As she's been involved in your children's lives, this is a very cowardly way to end a relationship but my guess is the usual reason.....she's met someone else or has hooked up again with an ex.
Don't demand explanations and don't contact her again. People who treat others this badly are in truth, a bullet dodged.

Branleuse · 28/01/2013 16:16

what charbon said

im sorry youve been treated badly. Looks like she was playing you

Lovingfreedom · 28/01/2013 16:17

Well then you'll probably never know. I'm guessing from what you've written that it might be a combination of her new job and the prospect of you moving in....i.e. she's throwing herself into her new job and doesn't want to make those kinds of commitments in her relationship/living arrangements just now.

The general assumption is that women want to be in relationships/married/settled etc but actually...for some, the thought of a man moving in can be pretty daunting. Dunno...just trying to think through what might lead to that kind of behaviour.

It's unkind of her not to give you an explanation if there is no clear reason why she would want to stop seeing you....but suspect she is ashamed/feeling guilty/can't face having to explain herself.

attheendoftheday · 28/01/2013 17:30

Can I suggest you are looking for a woman's point of view, not a girl's?

I'm sorry but it sounds like she was either not telling the truth about her prior feelings or she's changed her mind. You may never find out which. It may not be anything to do with you. It's hard but you have to move on.

Original poster
howdidithappen · 28/01/2013 20:35

Can I suggest you are looking for a woman's point of view, not a girl's?

Sorry, didnt mean to cause any offence.

Thanks very much for your reply's. I needed a disconnected opinion to tell me its over. You have been a big help.

OP posts:
Moanranger · 28/01/2013 20:54

A thought: if you were around a lot over holidays, maybe you got on her nerves. This can happen, especially when someone has been on their own a lot. Bottom line is that she is either not fond enough of you and/or too immature to deal with the situation so just ended it, rather than working through whatever was bothering her. You need to find someone with better relationship skills - you seem pretty open to me, but not everyone is. Sounds like she was not ready for a relationship, for whatever reason. Sorry to hear, the world of dating,eh....

ConfuzzledMummy · 28/01/2013 21:01

Does it bloody matter whether the poor man has put girl or woman......Really?

izzyizin · 28/01/2013 21:08

I'm also with Charbon on this and I suspect that 'it's not you - it's me' is a euphemism for 'it's me ... and another man'.

As Charbon has also said, you've dodged a bullet she could have fired at any time, and anyone who can be so unfeeling and uncaring in the manner in which they end a relationship of almost a year's duration isn't someone you want in your life, or in the lives of your dds.

ladyWordy · 28/01/2013 21:13

I'm a bit biased at the moment, but when I see phrases such as head over heels, idolise etc, the word fake pops up for me shortly after.

Not that you are fake, howdid, but perhaps she was. I don't know. Given what you've said here, it appears she has dropped you like a stone, with no signs of unhappiness prior to this point. Healthy, loving people don't end relationships like this. There are usually signs of unhappiness and soul searching first.

Perhaps you missed the signs: perhaps there is someone else: perhaps she had her own agenda, and suddenly you don't fit.

Given what you've said, the latter seems most likely. I rather favour Charbon's 'bullet dodged' approach. It's a chilly way to end a relationship. Brew

slambang · 28/01/2013 21:28

Sorry that you've been so hurt, How, it sounds devestating. But I do feel there's more to this than meets the eye.

Are you absolutely sure she was as into you as you were into her? Are you good at picking up signals usually? It sounds like it all got very serious very quickly, who was pushing it to go that fast?

And sorry, but i do wonder terminology is a bit of a hint towards the way you act/ behave towards women. Most people are fairly aware that using the term 'girls' is not so appropriate after 18 and the repeated referral to 'ladies' is a bit cringy, sorry. Could it be that you have been a bit OTT in the old-fashioned romance and just not quite aware enough of the effect it was having?

Just a random theory from a random stranger on the internet. I hope I don't offend.

chucksaway · 28/01/2013 21:47

sounds like she got cold feet!! it all got a bit too much for her ... sad it ended so abruptly for you hope you find someone who truly deserves you theres nothing worse than someone literally trampling over your emotions willy nilly

chucksaway · 28/01/2013 21:57

regarding the terminology of girls and ladies, dont see anything wrong with whatsoever. nothing creepy in it at all imho. your writing style does come across as gallant and old school gentleman - and very nice if i may say so

Original poster
howdidithappen · 28/01/2013 21:59

Slam... you could be right. I am a bit old fashioned, but always very respectful and would hate to think that my admittedly naive choice of words could have contributed, still who knows. I dont think that our relationship was rushed, we were together nearly a year after all.

I always thought I was an excellent judge of character and genuinely believed that my love was nothing but reciprocated. Of that I'm sure, which made the bombshell that harder to take. We are both grown adults in early forties and pretty worldly wise.

Anyway, as I say, you have all really helped though you may not think so. You've made me sit up, realise its over and this afternoon actually feel good about myself for the first time a 2 weeks. Thanks very much. Off to give the girls a big hug now too.

Onwards and upwards.

OP posts:
NeverQuiteSure · 28/01/2013 22:08

I'm so sorry, you sound so sad and it must be very hurtful for your daughters.

Whatever reason she had for ending the relationship, it does sound like she's handled it very immaturely. I hope you manage to get some closure.

ConfuzzledMummy · 28/01/2013 22:21

Im glad your feeling better OP im sorry that you had to meet such a bitch, were not all like that Smile

Original poster
howdidithappen · 29/01/2013 08:28

im sorry that you had to meet such a bitch

No matter what reason she had to end it, I would never ever think her to be one of those.

Woke up with a smile and ready to face the world this morning. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Original poster
howdidithappen · 09/05/2013 10:56

Found out from a mutual friend and you were all right. She had someone else on the go.

Thanks very much, you were all a massive help at the time.

OP posts:
ladyjadie · 09/05/2013 14:14

Sad Sorry to hear that OP.

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