Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The OW seeking details/trying to pass a message...

120 replies

wrinklyraisin · 28/01/2013 13:57

What would you do if you found out the woman your OH cheated with, a year ago now, was fishing around for details and trying to pass messages to your OH through a mutual friend? My OH has no desire at all to have any direct contact with her. But the mutual friend has no clue what happened last year so keeps talking to him about how she's doing (terribly as it happens, yay for karma!) and I want her to know that I know what she's up to and me and my OH are a team working together NOT to let her infiltrate our life again. But at the same time we don't want our mutual friend to know any of the gruesome details of what happened. We just want her to stop fishing iyswim? Am I out of order for sending her a polite and concise email saying what I've said above? And copying it to her husband too? My OH has worked very hard to undo the damage he did and he wants her to back off and stop using an innocent mutual friend as a go between. He agrees an email from BOTH of us to her, showing a united front, is the way to go. I just want her up crawl back under her rock. Her life and marriage is shit but that's not our problem and my OH will not be her fantasy escape route again.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2013 14:01

Why doesn't your OH tell the woman to go away and decide what to tell the mutual friend? If he's working hard to undo damage, surely that's his responsibility? Btw.... it was him that shagged her. Presumably voluntarily? Enthusiastically, even? I know it's convenient to paint her as some kind of evil femme fatale but I don't think that's entirely realistic on your part ... Hmm

Charbon · 28/01/2013 14:07

Unless she tries to contact you directly, I always advise against doing anything at all in these circumstances. Just make sure that the mutual friend has no reason to pass back any negative messages about you as individuals or about your relationship. This might put a bit of a strain on your friendship and lead to it being less then authentic of course (in that you probably don't feel as though you can share any negatives about your life with said friend) but you probably feel that anyway if you didn't tell her about the affair.

Original poster
wrinklyraisin · 28/01/2013 14:09

I realize she's no femme fatale however he's been honest enough to share the attempted communications with me via the mutual friend and he told the ow to leave us alone after it all came out. We both thought it was over and done with. Now he's afraid that I won't believe him if he says he's told her to back off again so he wanted to include me in the situation. I'm happy for him not to quite frankly. However I want the OW to see that he and I are a team on this. There's no secrets any more. We just don't know what to do about the mutual friend. Him knowing would open a whole new can of worms tbh.

OP posts:
HecateWhoopass · 28/01/2013 14:10

I'd just tell the mutual friend to please not pass anything at all. That you and your husband don't want any contact with this woman and to please just refuse to pass a message if she asks again.

tbh, the mutual friend probably already knows.

It'll be fairly obvious. From the please pass a message to him stuff. I assume she will have been clear to the mutual friend to not pass the message to you.

Unless mutual friend is stupid, they will know.

Charbon · 28/01/2013 14:16

Yes I can see the dilemma. But is the OW passing actual messages - i.e 'Sally asked me to tell you.....or Sally asks that you get in touch'? Or is it more that she's offloading to the friend fairly openly and he's innocently discussing it with your husband?

If it's the former, your best bet is for your husband to contact her and tell her he wants no more contact with her. There should be no contact from you at all, because she will reason that you are stopping him from making contact. Hearing the no contact message from him and him alone is far more powerful.

If it's just offloading, do nothing.

ResolutelyCheeky · 28/01/2013 14:17

Mutual friend definitely knows. Just get you husband to say he is not interested.

McBalls · 28/01/2013 14:21

YY mutual friend knows already.

Whocansay · 28/01/2013 14:23

I imagine the mutual friend knows exactly what's gone on. I'd tell mutual friend to back off with his/her big wooden spoon. But I'd have no contact with OW. Blocking is the only way forward. She clearly wants some attention.

Whocansay · 28/01/2013 14:23

I'm too slow at typing!

meditrina · 28/01/2013 14:25

How is your DH responding to the conversations? If it's general chat about someone intermediary friend thinks is a mutual acquaintance, he needs to show a (polite) lack of interest. And separately (so it does not look too pointed) make sure he mentions several times how great you are.

If it's a direct 'X asked me you tell you Y', then first step is just ignore. Only if it persists should he consider agreeing with you a form of words to send her. If you go that way, then the message needs to be simply along the lines that he has discussed what he has learned from X with you, and you have jointly decided you cannot help her with Y.

meditrina · 28/01/2013 14:30

Make that "... cannot help with Y or anything else". If you think she might persist, add "Therefore I do not want to hear from you directly or indirectly again. If you do attempt to contact me again, I shall discuss it with DW".

It needs to be a short, unambiguous 'no contact' message.

BTW, his telling you, and his willingness to send a 'no contact' message, is a good indicator that he is serious about his reconciliation with you.

LessMissAbs · 28/01/2013 14:31

Tell the mutual friend you don't like her and to stop talking about her.

Your DH sounds like an attention seeker. Now instead of getting attention from the OW, he is getting attention from you about the OW...

Original poster
wrinklyraisin · 28/01/2013 14:34

The recent messages are along the lines of "oh I miss you (mutual friend) and (my OH) so much since I left the theater group, how's he doing? Can you tell him I miss him? Tell him I said hi?" And so mutual friend later says to my OH "by the way (OW) says hi, she misses you. Want me to say hi back next time I chat with her?" My OH then says "sure" then the OW responds to that a few days later saying "thank you thank you for telling me he said hi and that he misses me too. That means so much!" .... So the OW is obviously reading too much into this as to the outsider it's so not any kind of enthusiastic response from my OH. There have been times when the mutual friend said to me that OW says hi to me. I just smile politely through gritted teeth. Our social circle is small and we've avoided each other so far. It's in no ones best interest for the fact they had a brief fling to become public knowledge. I suspect it will at some point though.

I kind of want the mutual friend to know the actual nitty gritty. He would be mortified if he thought he was enabling them to remain in contact. He knows that OW left the theater group for a reason. I don't get why the OW has renewed her attempts to get in contact with my OH though.

I'll tell my OH that he needs to email both the mutual friend and the OW and tell them both that he would like a cessation of all communications between them. That should be clear enough to both of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
wrinklyraisin · 28/01/2013 14:36

My OH said it actually makes him feel sick when he's put on the spot about saying hi back. He is merely being polite.

OP posts:
coolkat · 28/01/2013 14:38

I would ignore therefore she would think the messages aren't getting through and give up - not adding fuel to the fire.

Badvoc · 28/01/2013 14:39

I think people already know wrinkly.
You seem very naive about this.
(Have had experience of this in a similar situation..an am dram theatre group)
It didn't make your oh feel sick when he slept with her, did it?
:(

AdoraBell · 28/01/2013 14:39

That mutual friend isn't a friend. The only thing your DH should be saying if he really is trying to repair the damage is "I don't want to know, please don't contact me/us again".

HecateWhoopass · 28/01/2013 14:42

oh please.

come on.

Open your eyes.

(not saying that in a bitchy way, but in a please wake up to the truth of what you're dealing with here way)

The mutual friend knows. Honestly. He may not know the ins and outs, but he knows. do you really think he's that clueless? Really?

ResolutelyCheeky · 28/01/2013 14:46

Mutual friend is fishing. IME everyone knows everything in small communities and the ow probably confided in someone, who confided in someone and on and on. Your husband is sounding too passive, he needs to change that.

Original poster
wrinklyraisin · 28/01/2013 14:50

No he slept with her perfectly willingly. Twice :( It's been a year though and now he and I are in a good place. He is including me in every communication and wants me to feel secure about "us" and the fact that yes he made a huge mistake and he's really trying to rebuild my trust in him. He understands it'll never be like it was. But we both love each other and are a good team in spite of his idiotic decision a year ago.

OP posts:
Charbon · 28/01/2013 14:53

Unless this mutual friend is a bit dense, he must realise something has gone on. But in his head that could be anything from an unrequited crush to a full affair. I understand other posters' scepticism, but I've found some people to be spectacularly naive about stuff that's happening right in front of them. Look at how many threads on this site where it's so obvious that an affair is underway and some posters always say 'No, I think it's depression....'?

I think your partner needs to tell friend that he doesn't want to go into the details, but that he doesn't want any communication at all with this woman and doesn't want information passing back and forth. Quite separately and not involving the friend, he should tell this woman that he doesn't want any contact with her or any information about her at all.

I agree it's a good sign that he is telling you about this. It would have been easy (but a mistake) to keep this from you, out of fear of reopening old wounds. But he did not and this helps to rebuild trust.

FireOverBabylon · 28/01/2013 14:54

"oh I miss you (mutual friend) and (my OH) so much since I left the theater group, how's he doing? Can you tell him I miss him? Tell him I said hi?" And so mutual friend later says to my OH "by the way (OW) says hi, she misses you. Want me to say hi back next time I chat with her?" My OH then says "sure"

So he needs to stop being polite. Try "Want me to say hi back next time I chat with her?" My OH then says "NO! Tell her I'm not interested in passing on any message." Add a death glare for added impact.

Original poster
wrinklyraisin · 28/01/2013 14:54

The mutual friend is a good 2 decades older, a father figure to both my OH and the OW. He's very "proper". Knowledge of a sordid affair would not sit well with him so I can't honestly see him nonchalantly saying to my OH that the OW says hi. Maybe he's as naive as me.

OP posts:
Original poster
wrinklyraisin · 28/01/2013 14:59

My OH is very passive/quiet in general so he just says sure rather than seem rude or impolite. But yes, he does have to tell this mutual friend that he's not interested in hearing from or about OW. He doesn't want me to feel anything is being said in secret so he's telling me everything. Which I appreciate, as it really is indicative of his desire to make things right between us.

OP posts:
Charbon · 28/01/2013 15:05

Now that you've given more details, I've got more of a sense of this situation. The main thing is though that you should have no contact yourself with the OW. If there's going to be any, it must come from your partner because he's the only one she'll believe when he says he is not interested and wants no communication at all.

He doesn't have to tell the whole sorry saga to the man. He can spare the details but make it clear that he doesn't want any messages going back and forth. That's not rude or impolite; it's assertive.