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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The OW seeking details/trying to pass a message...

120 replies

wrinklyraisin · 28/01/2013 13:57

What would you do if you found out the woman your OH cheated with, a year ago now, was fishing around for details and trying to pass messages to your OH through a mutual friend? My OH has no desire at all to have any direct contact with her. But the mutual friend has no clue what happened last year so keeps talking to him about how she's doing (terribly as it happens, yay for karma!) and I want her to know that I know what she's up to and me and my OH are a team working together NOT to let her infiltrate our life again. But at the same time we don't want our mutual friend to know any of the gruesome details of what happened. We just want her to stop fishing iyswim? Am I out of order for sending her a polite and concise email saying what I've said above? And copying it to her husband too? My OH has worked very hard to undo the damage he did and he wants her to back off and stop using an innocent mutual friend as a go between. He agrees an email from BOTH of us to her, showing a united front, is the way to go. I just want her up crawl back under her rock. Her life and marriage is shit but that's not our problem and my OH will not be her fantasy escape route again.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 28/01/2013 15:06

Your DH still needs to tell him straight not pass on messages. He may need to confess his affair to this "father figure". In short if he genuinely wants to rebuild a relationship with you he has to do whatever it takes to maintain a distance from the OW. If that means losing the esteem of this person then he has to lose it. He married you, his responsiblity is to you.

Original poster
wrinklyraisin · 28/01/2013 15:10

My OH said that too, that the only opinion of him that matters is mine. It's difficult in such a small community to admit openly an affair occurred even though the irony is everyone probably knows anyway :(

OP posts:
Charbon · 28/01/2013 15:11

Yes I agree with that. If he hasn't told this man because of his own shame, perhaps he needs to - and that's all part of living with the consequences of his actions. You've said that you wouldn't mind the man knowing, so it's not as though he is complying with your wishes about wanting it kept secret (which I would understand, if you did feel that way).

Xales · 28/01/2013 15:27

Absolutely no point you contacting her and telling her to back the fuck off when your H is telling people to say hi back.

You will look like a deranged nutter and she will take it as an invitation to contact him further as people are telling her he is saying hi etc she may drawn the conclusion that things are not going well between you.

MadAboutHotChoc · 28/01/2013 15:27

My DH was in a similar position, he simply said "OW and I are not friends and I have no wish to know anything about her, thank you".

Your DH has been a prat in saying Hi back to OW Hmm

Original poster
wrinklyraisin · 28/01/2013 15:29

I kind if do want it kept secret if I'm honest. It was a stupid mistake which he fully admits and is working hard to rebuild us. I'm happy with our life, with the OW out of the picture. The fallout if the whole community knew for sure, would cause way more damage to us than the stupidity of the actual cheating itself. Am I naive for wanting to maintain the status quo? Probably. But it's a measured decision based on my life. As long as my OH shows his commitment to me and me alone, and is open with me about everything no matter how awkward, then in a way I want to let sleeping dogs lie. No contact between them for sure. But no reason to drag it all up again in front of everyone unless its absolutely necessary.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 28/01/2013 15:30

And definitely no emails OW and you should stay out of it otherwise it will make her think oh nasty deranged jealous wife trying to stop him etc and that it wasn't his decision.

MorrisZapp · 28/01/2013 15:41

Oh god, don't contact her. The only message that will send is that you see her as a threat.

As an aside, I often feel slightly 'sorry' for the OW on threads like this when the couple close ranks against her. I can totally see why people do it, it's self preservation. But it's a shoddy way to treat somebody - on the part of your DH, I mean. I don't blame you a bit for wanting her banished to Siberia.

Hissy · 28/01/2013 15:43

Oh FFS, your H was man enough to shag this woman behind your back, can't he find the balls to take responsiblity without you being involved/hurt?

What a weak prick he really is.

He needs to speak to the mutual frenemy and say, 'actually OW is not a friend of ours, and certainly not of our marriage, so tbh, I'd prefer you didn't discuss us with her. What you choose to talk to her about wrt your OWN details is up to you, but I'm not happy to have any contact with her'

Let this stirring old fool think what he likes. Let OW rot in her appalling life and move on.

You, fwiw, can't stop him or her from doing anything, but you CAN get your H to deal with the tittle-tattle. This is not your mess to clear up, and tbh, you have every right to be furious at H, and also, if the frenemy reports directly to you, then and only then can you say something. And I'd not spare your H's embarrassment either.

Your H needs to be told that THIS is what happens when you lie down with fleas. He deals with it. Once and for all.

Charbon · 28/01/2013 16:17

So what do you think is the best course of action then, OP?

It's fine not to discuss this with anyone, as long as that's your decision and not your partner's.

Badvoc · 28/01/2013 16:24

He loves you?
But he slept with her - not once - but twice?
Sigh.
No. He doesn't love you.
Put very, very simply, you do not do that to Someone you love.
I think he is very sorry he got found out, though.
Not really the same thing.
Maybe if he had only slept with her once, came straight home to confess and admitted it was the worst mistake he had ever made...then maybe I could see why you would think he deserved another chance (actually, no, I wouldn't) but for him to sleep with her more than once...did it take twice for him to realise it was wrong?
You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. Let it come out. And let your h deal with it. His fault, his problem. You can hold your head up high.
Op, I really really hope you are not posting about him again in a few months time but, really, the stats are not in your side :(
Best of luck to you x

Badvoc · 28/01/2013 16:25

...and the friend knows op.
Trust me.
These bloody groups are positivley incestuous Angry
I live in a small village and I personally know of at least 3 marriages destroyed by affairs within the same small am dram group!

ImperialBlether · 28/01/2013 16:32

I think you're all giving the OP a really hard time. Why are you all turning on her and talking about the enthusiastic sex her husband had with the OW? That's not kind, is it? They have decided to stay together and make things work. She doesn't want to tell everyone what happened, and why should she?

OP, I think your husband should speak to the mutual friend now and say, "I'm afraid the OW and OP and I don't have a good relationship. We were friends but that's no longer the case. I don't want to go into it now, but I would really appreciate it if you don't discuss me or my wife when you're talking to her. I'd also like you to correct her impression that I am missing her. That's not the case. OP and I wish we hadn't met her."

Badvoc · 28/01/2013 16:36

They have decided to stay together and pretend it didn't happen imperial!!...they can't keep it a secret however much they want to.
People either already know or will soon find out.
Op is being very naive.

ImperialBlether · 28/01/2013 16:39

No, they're not pretending it didn't happen. They're just not broadcasting it to everyone. It's nobody else's business, is it? It sounds as though they've done quite a bit of work between themselves to help the OP recover from it. They don't have to tell anyone about it if they don't want to.

makealist · 28/01/2013 16:44

Yes agree with Imperials post at 16.32

Badvoc · 28/01/2013 16:44

They already know imperial.
To think otherwise is a bit deluded IMHO.

Charbon · 28/01/2013 16:45

I suspect this demonstrates why the OP feels she has to keep what happened a secret - because of others' judgements and pronouncements about her partner's love for her. Affairs so often are not about the feelings for a partner, they are more a reflection of feelings about oneself.

So rather than focusing on what this meant about the man's feelings for his partner, it's much more productive to concentrate on the character and personality traits that allowed this to happen. I'd venture that someone who is very passive and fears offending others rather than giving someone the unvarnished but painful truth still has some work to do on himself and that this is what the OP should focus on - and certainly not intervening and clearing the mess up for him.

ImperialBlether · 28/01/2013 16:52

Badvoc, when this happened to me, I had an overwhelming feeling of shame. I hated the thought that people would know and weigh up whether my husband was reasonable to want to shag someone else. I didn't want people to know, not because I wanted to protect my husband's reputation, but because I didn't want people to discuss my private life.

So people probably do know about the OP's husband's affair. Does that mean she should talk about it to others? Is it then public property? Does she not have the right to some level of privacy?

Original poster
wrinklyraisin · 28/01/2013 16:56

Imperial you've hit pretty much every nail on the head.

Thank you for understanding.

OP posts:
tomverlaine · 28/01/2013 16:59

Why don't you say to mutual friend that you/OH have fallen out with the OW and don't wish to have contact. If he is as you describe he won't pry (and he can relay that you don't want contact to the OW)

ImperialBlether · 28/01/2013 17:00

Thanks, OP. I wish it wasn't borne out of experience. A year is still a short time, you know. Be kind to yourself.

Hissy · 28/01/2013 17:01

The H is taking the spineless weasel's way out, by sticking his head in the sand, saying nothing, admitting nothing and 'not wanting to hurt anyone'

Well that ship has sailed. He hurt his wife. The OW conspired in that at the time, and is trying to do so again. As much as I understand her desire to take the gloves off and go for the OW, it's not her fight to have.

I totally get why the OP wants to set this bitch straight, but it's not her that needs to be snarling at anyone.

This 'man' she married fucked up, in everyway imaginable, but what he doesn't do is bring anymore of this shit home. He needed to head this off, man up and protect his family. The one HE nearly destroyed.

Bottom line, OW needs to be told to Fuck off, by him, not OP. Definitively. His pussyfooting about ois encouraging the OW delusion, and fuelling her attempts to respark the fire. OP shouldn't be expected to do a thing. she needs to maintain radio silence as far as OW is concerned, and her well deserved dignity. The old shit stirring frenemy needs to be told that his tittle tattle is unwelcome, that neither H or OP wants anything to do with OW, and that he needs to pack this sensationalism in.

The softly softly approach is hurting OP, and it has to stop.

Original poster
wrinklyraisin · 28/01/2013 17:03

And thank you charbon too.

OP posts:
Hissy · 28/01/2013 17:05

"So people probably do know about the OP's husband's affair. Does that mean she should talk about it to others? Is it then public property? Does she not have the right to some level of privacy?"

Absolutely, he broke this. HE fixes is and protects HER image, and that of their family.

OP doen't need to give it a second thought. She's done NOTHING wrong.

You have every right OP, to TELL your H to make this all go away. You only need focus on rebuilding your trust of him. But he needs to earn it back!