The OW seeking details/trying to pass a message...

[wrinklyraisin]

What would you do if you found out the woman your OH cheated with, a year ago now, was fishing around for details and trying to pass messages to your OH through a mutual friend? My OH has no desire at all to have any direct contact with her. But the mutual friend has no clue what happened last year so keeps talking to him about how she's doing (terribly as it happens, yay for karma!) and I want her to know that I know what she's up to and me and my OH are a team working together NOT to let her infiltrate our life again. But at the same time we don't want our mutual friend to know any of the gruesome details of what happened. We just want her to stop fishing iyswim? Am I out of order for sending her a polite and concise email saying what I've said above? And copying it to her husband too? My OH has worked very hard to undo the damage he did and he wants her to back off and stop using an innocent mutual friend as a go between. He agrees an email from BOTH of us to her, showing a united front, is the way to go. I just want her up crawl back under her rock. Her life and marriage is shit but that's not our problem and my OH will not be her fantasy escape route again.

[Hissy]

And fwiw OP, it'd never occur to me to judge you for your H's actions. I'm sure I'm not unique in that.

He chose to do what he did for his own reasons. He must make it right with you, and for you. You are not him, and what he does doesn't reflect on you.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.

[wrinklyraisin]

I think there's got to be a way to fix this without the social drama. I'm not sweeping it under the carpet. I'm just choosing not to be the gossip fodder. I've nothing to be ashamed of. But I would still suffer the fate of all gossip victims. I choose a life of discretion with regards to this. Even though my OH does not deserve the same protection.

[wrinklyraisin]

Thank you hissy. It's difficult because its not as black and white when it's your own life you're dealing with.

[bestsonever]

The uncomfortableness of this situation continuing is that if the mutual friend is blindly passing on info to your DH, then he is probably blindly answering questions the OW may ask him about how your H is doing these days thinking it is just friendly inquiring.
Your H doesn't have to say what happened, just that you are no longer friends with OW, so prefer it that no information is given by your friend to OW, and you are not interested in any info she voluteers up to him about herself. Job done, perhaps said when you are both present so you can be sure of it all. Say you had a fall-out, a disagreement that you wish not to talk further if he wonders. If he spreads gossip based on that - get a new friend.

[Badvoc]

As I said upthread...his fault, his problem to fix.
Don't see why op should get involved at all.
Her h is being pretty spineless in not heading this off.
Whether people know or don't know is irrelevant really. It happened and op must try and deal with it the best she can.
Charbon...it makes me very sad that you would feel that way about yourself in the aftermath of your partners affair, that you would feel any shame. But that's how you felt. I hope that feeling has passed?
I can't imagine anyone irl judging the op over this.

[Badvoc]

...whereas her h will be judged 7 ways to Sunday and deserves it!
I am glad op has said she doesn't want to protect him.
He doesn't deserve it.
He's a big boy. He can cope.

[bestsonever]

I don't hold with making a mistake -even twice - equates to not being loved. Sometimes mistakes can make a person realise what is important in life.

[Charbon]

Hissy it's a good thing that the OP's partner is bringing this home. It shows that there is no further secret contact and in fact he is doing what every infidelity therapist recommends - disclosing contact of any sort and discussing solutions as a team.

What do you think you should both do with this then OP?

[Badvoc]

Fair enough.
Personally I think there is plenty of time between first being attracted to someone, flirting, sending inappropriate e mails etc and actually committing adultery (when did we stop calling it that, btw? ) to realise what you have and what you could lose.
But there you go.
This whole idea of people being unable to control their passions is total BS.
The ops h knew what he was doing - twice - and the op has got to deal with the aftermath of his decision to cheat.
I wish her well.
Him....less so :)

[Charbon]

Badvoc I said nothing about my own personal experience of this - and you've reached the wrong conclusion there! No offence taken though

[bestsonever]

.. the thing is, right or wrong the OP will be part of the topic of gossip and if she would rather not be, it's fair for her to chose not to be. Any protection that may have for her H is an incidental bi-product and neither hear nor there, as it is the OP's wishes that count.

[Badvoc]

Oh bugger, it was imperial, sorry charbon! (And imperial)

[Charbon]

No worries - I was a bit confused there for a moment though!

[Badvoc]

...not as confused as I am evidently, though :)

[bestsonever]

..shouting from the rafters the deceit in the hope your H 'gets what he deserves' is counterproductive, just shows the bitterness you are left with and advertises what a victim you still feel you are. Not helpuf if wanting to stay in the relationship I would think.

[lastSplash]

I understand you don't want to bring up DH's unfaithfulness, but what about a white lie just saying there's been a falling out, as a way to explain to mutual friend? Nothing serious, just that DH isn't interested in hearing about OW.

^Dear Mutual Friend.

Sorry this is a bit awkward. We had a disagreement and I really do not want to hear from OW. I'm mortified that she thought 'I missed her' also as I absolutely do not, and do not want to have any contact with or from her to be honest.

Thank you for your understanding.^

And maybe an email from you both to OW making clear you don't appreciate her attempts to make contact, Even threatening that you feel it is only fair to contact OW's DH if she persists.

(Not sure about that last bit - feels like reporting a child's misbehaviour to a parent - just an idea...)

[lastSplash]

Italics failure.

[wrinklyraisin]

Who's shouting anything from the rafters about my OH's deceit, bestsonever? I certainly am not.

[bestsonever]

No, someone else suggesting he deserves it. Not aimed at you, you seem strong and pragmatic and appear to be handling things very well. Is OW still with her H as you mention copying a possible email to him? Did I get that right as a thought?

[wrinklyraisin]

Yes the OW and her husband are still together. Not very happy though.

Myself and my OH on the other hand are doing well. It's been hater than anything I've ever done before, coping with all this. But things are good. I think we are both scared that the OW rearing her head will undo it all. And neither of us want that.

[wrinklyraisin]

Hater? Harder.

[bestsonever]

May, disrupt her H's world somewhat and he is innocent party too (I assume). Perhaps a threat of 'back off' or will copy email to husband will work, then do copy if still she persists as that is desperate and her H should know in that case, however, at the moment it's not clear how deep her prying has been or if she could be made to realise what it means for all concerned if it continues.

[AnyFucker]

Your H being strong and consistently clear here should mean that OW rearing her head won't get the opportunity to undo all the work you have done on your relationship

the fact that you are worried she might, should tell you that your H is not doing what he needs to do

over to him...so far he appears to have been about as strong and consistent as a very wet lettuce

[bestsonever]

Might it play better for you if their marriage fails not on the basis of info you pass to her H? Seems like it may do anyway without your help, that's for them to work out. If bitterness develops over an email to her H and is seen as the cause of a split, it could backfire and blow the whole thing open.

[wrinklyraisin]

Chocolate teapot maybe, rather than wet lettuce.

No, seriously. He knows what to do. He is very aware of that. However it's the executing that's the issue. He doesn't want my world ripped more asunder than he's already caused it to be. He wants us to a united against any threats to our new found security. There's so many factors here that it isn't as easy as some of you seem to think. There are kids involved. So we do need to be aware of the gossip. I want him to make it very clear that no communication is acceptable. But I also want her to see that fishing around using our mutual friends is not acceptable either.