Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Fi - when DCs act up, I always remember that line in "Sleepless in Seattle" where the male character (Tom Hanks) says "He's 6." and the woman says "he's good at it." So I just tell myself "He's 3yo, he's good at it" and try to keep a sense of humour. Even throughout tantrums and such - which happen quite a lot as our older DS has SNs.

The DCs have been doing well. They're happily parked on the sofa watching Fireman Sam, nibbling toast. It's been fairly peaceful, considering.

I feel a little stressed, as once again, I'll have loads of pressure on me to let H back after the weekend. Last time it was because of the holidays. This time, because he has just been diagnosed with a serious medical condition - progressive, and he's fairly bad off already. I imagine it's going to be "are you going to rob him of the time he's got with his children?" God, that makes me sound so horrible! He's got two weeks off work, and then I'll be blamed again as he will not be able to get from MIL's house to his workplace, as there is no transport available at the hours he works and no way for him to make his own way there as he does from here. And MIL really isn't up to driving him to and from work regularly). So it'll be my fault if he loses his job. sigh

At least he's keeping to the agreement and hasn't contacted me. No contact until the weekend.

Fw has forgotten it's court today is blaming me even though I reminded him. But part of me is SO relieved I am going alone! And don't have to talk to him- though obviously I'll have to at some stage

Catch up properly later after court xxx

Morning all, I've been lurking around the thread, not much helpful to offer but I find it so empowering to read that others are in somewhat of the same boat it's been 20+ years for me and I wish this site had existed when my kids were young. I love the title of 'Why does he do that?' as I spent so many anguished years saying just that but now I need to decide how to progress. Mink just wanted to say that your description of what your FW would say if he knew what you were 'sharing' is exactly the same as mine, right down to the hankies-- he feels that women who have relationship issues are weak, it's their problem and they should just get over it, etc.

Last night I went out with friends, a very rare occurrence but this was friend's big birthday and I really had to turn up IYKWIM... on the way back around 10:00 I mentioned to my friend how great it was that I'd had a night out with no calls or texts as I'd been checking all night. I had asked DD (17) to look after him (babysit is the word we use) as she knew that I was not looking forward to going out as he tends to spoil things when I do something without his permission (dinner out with a few women FFS, and a 'special' birthday for my friend, she'd planned it ages ago) but then text messages started appearing on my phone.. saying 'turn on your fing phone'... then another and another, about 30 in total, one after another. But I had no missed calls and when I tried to call him to say I was almost back it just went to voicemail. So when I walked in I was really upset and told him so, he acted like it was nothing and said 'well you should have answered your phone' (never mind that it never had rung!!) and I asked DD if he'd been OK and she said fine, nothing out of the ordinary, she'd made pancakes etc and they'd watched a dvd together... but I'm upset that I was made to look like I'd walked in angry, so to speak. What a dckhead.

He accidentally (really was an accident) almost shut my finger in a door last weekend and I started sobbing not because of the pain but because of his reaction (no sympathy, no 'are you OK?', just blamed it on me) and OMG if I ever wanted confirmation that was it he went on and on about how I was boo-hooing for no reason and how weak I was etc etc.

I have an appointment with Women's Aid next week... no idea what they will say but I just want some perspective, feel like I cannot leave right now because of DD's A levels and my lack of a job.

thanks Alice yes, it does change the perspective a bit!

I guess if you didn't have children and went NC you'd never know, or have any reason to know, just something you heard via someone else that had heard it? Maybe there will always be good reasons to let him back, but it does seem like the yo-yoing we've all done about the abuse, but then staying with them, then rmemebering the abuse, but we love them we're being horrible. If he'd treated you as an equal partner, and been kind and loving he wouldn't have been kicked out, and therefore in the situation he is in now. He's not your friend is he? Sounds like he needs to move out of his mother's? Who's pressurising you? and prsumably you will not be robbing him just because he's ill? I wouldn't mind. and do, drive to contact.

Just yesterday Leclerc I was saying this to a friend [examples of various incidents and how the DCs get affected], she came back with 'women do it too you know' . I do think it must be very hard for a man, being as many men are, to reach out for help under those circumstances, so I'm not negating that it is awful and that those that are decent wouldn't dream of striking out or hurting their female partners, but I understood to be a very small minority. So it did seem quite strange the way that she was jumped on, in disregard for the abuses, for a single punch on the arm (and who hasn't thought things that shock them! - we don't do it though, it was incredibly honest for her to share that).

It is sad how little understanding there is. I am going to the docs to share all this, and the female doc I spoke to had never heard of WA, which I can't get my head around, or am I imagining it to be more widespread than it is? Am I that good a sleuth that I've sought out the only 2 in my area to share EA with me?! I know another guy just a few houses away that throws stuff around and loses the plot.. I 've been supporting his wife out in the street so choked up she can't speak because of his drinking and abuses. I've had th e children round here speaking to mine about he scarey he is when he gets started (at the time they were all comparing notes about the shouting and tempers and plate throwing! at which point I interjected with a coupleof questions about whether its ok for daddies to do this!) this was maybe 3 yrs ago now. I think its really really common

take care Maggie hope you feel better today than yesterday, love and hugs to all in daily FWittery today.. xxx

welcome notmyname its sad but true, many similar scripts that might be helpful for you to compare notes with

Just a quickie to fly aw good luck for today at court; hmmm typical huh? something as big as this! he's forgotten! mmm.. this is avoidance surely, but it will go against him right? If he doesn't turnup. I do hope thats the case and he doesn't just get to waste everyone's time.

take care xx

Good luck today Fly

thatsnotmyname, 'turn on your fucking phone'. They're such wind-up merchants, aren't they, they do it because they can. Remember, it's 'water off a duck's back to them'. If you keep reminding yourself about incidents like the recent one where you hurt yourself,and that is how he responded, it will make you stronger against him- just keep reminding yourself 'he really doesn't give a shit about me'.

The high sensitivity to da against men just now might be because of the really horrible plot line on Corrie just now, the fact that women don't want to leave themselves open to accusations of sexis mand double standards and because women tend to be hard on women (been shown with f jurors in rape trials- tend to blame the victim. it is a weird self defense mechanism because they don't want to admit it could as easily have been them)

That and the fact it is hard enough to recognise EA when you live with it let alone from the outside because it is so unquantifiable. if it is financial or extreme control people can see it....but most other things can be put down to.poor communication or a fiery marriage - that's what i thought for long enough.

(oddly enough i do know more male victims of both domestic violence and rape than female but that is not a reflection of society as a whole)

I use to get the most awful sinking feeling when the endless succession of texts would arrive, and after many years he also then use to add, 'I know you think i'm angry' 8 texts down the line (wtf?)

I so use to get [and don't anymore , yaya yayaya) what can only be described as a barrage of emails, the house phone ringing, my phone ringing and texts arriving, its enough to send you bloody potty! I couldn't get away even when he wasn't there !! Yes, totally about them steady notmyname and not you, they have not a single clue how it feels nor do they care.

It is so not clear cut. just got concerned text from ex about traveling today. He can be considerate.

If it was dv that would be so much easier to quantify. That is why that yhreadwent that way. ppl suspect the way op is treated is wrong but there is no clear line as the line perceived with actual.physical violence.

And if they were nasty all the time there would be no head spaghetti.

Anyway gotta go decide whether i would be insane to drive over high ground today.

fairy you sound so lovely. It must be such a source if courage for that poor woman to have at least one friendly understanding face near by.

People really don't understand. I try to tell people close to me and they say "aww, he just misses you" when I tell them about the hundreds of texts or the six missed calls in the space of one minute if I'm out and haven't heard my phone. No he doesn't miss me! He misses controlling me!!!

One of his favourites is to ask to speak to the person I'm out with, just bro check that they are there and I'm doing what I said I was doing... FFS.

He keeps saying that I have changed and he'll give me a hard time (he doesn't say "hard time" but he might as well) until I tell him why.
I'm dying to say that what changed is that I realised he was EA and controlling me but I haven't got the courage yet. Getting there though.

Once you get it in your head that your mind and sanity and health and well being are all suffering because your partner/husband is treating you like they are, and every time you get in a state over something like abusive, disrespectful texts, and go home to find the sender nonchalantly relaxing, remember you are the person suffering, and you are more important, and your life is more important than his, and YOU (and hence DC) come first now.

If they were nasty all the time, then you would know where you stood. With this mind spaghetti, they have control because you are consumed with what's going on, the confusion when someone is thoughtful,then can change constantly to twisting everything, blaming, being uncaring. There is the absence of the solid base emotionally you expect in a long-term relationship, the absence of trust and certainty in life (so they have control), everything built on shifting sands.

leclerc I found my first meeting with the counsellor odd. To be asked " Why have you decided to seek counselling?" felt strange. It opened the floodgates really, although I think my overwhelming feeling is of anger at the moment.

Hi All. Just checking in to see how everyone is. My H has been nice and pleasant last few days so I'm determined to keep posting and reading as it is about this time historically that I start thinking 'maybe it can work out' and 'maybe he will change'. But I know deep down it is probably that he is sensing a subtle change in my demeanour and so trying to get me back under control.

fi I really think you are doing fine, like everyone else says. And remember ALL children go through difficult ranting stages not just those exposed to EA.

fly good luck today - you're not his mum and he should be able to remember important dates himself

mink I too fear my H finding this thread. We have separate computers but I still worry. And he knows I do go on MN.

leclerc hope the counselling is helpful.

Will be back soon ladies. Thinking of everyone, especially Maggie. Does anyone know if she is OK?

noonelistens it's easy to forget the shit times so such a good idea to red back over your posts on here sometimes.

tisi be brave my love. Tears never seem far away when you've been worn down like this.

here's a thing, about the prevalance of violence against women in their lifetime, 1 in 3 of all women will get beaten or raped.

Tomorrow being the rubbish at relationships St.'s day is the one billion rising,

the time for all abused women, and those who love them, to stand up and walk out, I have put a link for the details below to see if there is anything near you that you can get to if you wanted:

one billion rising

I'm going to do it for all the ladies here that are still in their relationships, and facing this 24/7, and for all those that have gone before us, and for those of us that are out and recovering, not forgetting raising awareness of all those lucky enough to be outside of it, but need to have knowledge of it.

take care all xx

Leclerc, it's ok to cry, I cried many times in counselling. If it relieves the pressure, it's ok. Holding your hand today x

Holding your hand with my other one too Fly, hope today goes as well as it can.

I have a lack of spare hands but hope everyone else is ok too. Hi to thatsnot, come join the gang!

Despite no real progression, I'm actually feeling quite strong right now. Still need to contact the mortgage company but I'm getting daily emails about rental places in this town (expensive to put it mildly!). FW still has no car for his new job next Monday. That argument is still brewing.

He tried to gaslight me last night but I was strong. He asked me what I wanted for valentine's day - chocolates or flowers (is there no other option? ). I reminded him that he's never celebrated valentine's so why this year? He said that he does get me a card and 'why do you have to cause an argument?' Hah. My response was that he has NEVER bought me anything for valentine's and it was an insult to my intelligence to claim otherwise. That shut him up . He's always been so proud of the fact that he doesn't 'do' valentine's, which I've always found quite hurtful. One year I bought him a card in the hope that he would get me one too, but stashed it in a drawer when I realised no return card was coming. That card is STILL in a drawer.

Valentine's with FWs is almost as bad as Christmas with FWs.

An excellent post Fi

oh Leclerc ((warm hugs)) to you hun. this one is for you, I hope this is the right person for you so that you can fell free and let the tears fall; start letting it all out. thinking of you today xx