Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Just checking back to see if any updates from Maggie. Hope you've found the license already for him.

H was just diagnosed with a lung problem this morning, although suspected it was coming, tbh. MIL is going to be horrified (as will his family) if separation is permanent at this time. This is really going to rachet up the pressure. Damn it! The timing, it's just never right, is it?

Oh Maggie I hope you and your babies are safe!? All of this stress hun, and you so ill.

You have got much of your stuff out, the important docs, bags of clothes, etc. throw the last things in the boot and get the most important things of all out.. you and your babies... run for the hills lovely, and don't look back.

I guess he could have used the licence as a ruse to go through everything in the house, suspecting that something was going on, but he really sounds like he won't be leaving any stone unturned now.

Stay safe, and I hope you can safely flee... ((hugs))

I haven't had the time or energies to do any more that lurk on the thread, but I am thinking ofyou all ladies, and wishing you strength in face of all FWittery, it is moving so fast. ((big hugs)) to all for change and every step towards a better life for us. much love xxx

Maggie, I've got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach reading your last post, I also remember that panic of feeling scared that FW would find my Lundy book and emergency bag when he started to look for something else. I thought exactly the same as Alice, that he's just using it as an excuse to turn the place upside down because he knows you are hiding stuff from him. if he finds the Lundy book and your bag... I'm really worried for you. Keep your phone one you, please please please phone the police if there's the slightest hint of him hurting you or scaring you.

Alice, so pleased you have gotten a bit of space from him. Of course he can be nice sometimes, but it's an effort for him, obviously, and not one he's willing to make very much. Hope you can keep him out. You are absolutely right that if you let him back, it'll just end up being the same as it is now - you've already seen that, after you let him back at Christmas-time, with him full of promises. Whether or not he can sort himself out is another matter entirely. You don't deserve to be miserable like this, and you do need to be away from him. it's not selfish, it's preservation.

I have my lovely DSDs coming tonight for a sleepover (it's a school holiday here) and then we're going out for the day tomorrow. Can't wait! Still feel a bit nervous that FW doesn't know about it, waiting for him to find out and the proverbial to hit the fan.

Leclerc how are DDs today? Have you thought about cutting contact for DD2 too? If she's getting torn in two as well, perhaps she would see it better if she has time away from him. No ideal solution, I know. Thinking of you. Thinking of everyone. xx

Knowing you'll be having a wonderful time all together tonight with your DSDs being there, so pleased for that for you - he can go screw himself, right! you all have a good time xxx

Just logging on to add my support - Maggie, really really hope you and the kids are ok. Hope you're reading this somewhere safe and FW's license has been found. Take care xxx

Hi all, thanks so much for support, licence still not found. He's not said much in front of DC this morn and has even "sent me to bed" to get better as I was up coughing all of last night much to his annoyance. He said he is going to take DC out to the shops so I can have a sleep. I am thinking when they have gone to get all the hidden stuff in my car and drop it in my storage unit but will need to be back home and back in bed before he gets back so not sure if that's too risky. I'm just not accepting the nicey nicey get well soon go to bed attitude he has this morning, its the calm before the storm and just another thing he can throw at me. Thank you again ladies, you really are my lifeline and sorry I've only skem read thread but thinking of you all as always x

maggie do you have a trusted neighbour who could store some stuff till you can get it into storage?

so glad to hear from you, and that you might actually get some rest.... I hope he is being real about that. Sending you huge hugs hun. xxx stay safe

Maggie - are you ok now? What happened when he came back? It's been several hours since you posted last, hope you are safe. Thinking about you. xx

Thanks my lovely. Hope all good with you. xx

Maggie if you rush the stuff to storage, then you could pass that off as having been to emergency doc and got prescription?

Stay safe, lovey. Thinking of you.xxx

PS agree with others - if you can manage it, this horrible situation could actually lead to your exit door and freedom?

Hi all....i managed to get stuff to storage phew, god knows what the lovely old little caretaker man thought as I ran in and ran out speeding away in car james bond stylie! Have also got my stuff together for solicitors appt tomorrow and sent email about booking a counselling session, thank you all so much for support, you guys are my strength and lifeline. He is STILL out with kids has text saying he hopes im feeling better and they are going here there and everywhere and be back later . He is either feeling guilty about me being so sick and having to sleep on sofa or he is building up to going on a bender . Im not letting this niceness spaghetti head me. Bloody MIL has been on the text too asking to come round for a cuppa - AKA - to grill me on how FW has been behaving, whether I am going to leave or not etc etc. I have not answered her text and won't until tonight. I do need to keep her on my side but its just weird her quizzing me so much all the time about her own son. I hate it. I am very wary about what I tell her and well as you lovely ladies already know its very hard to trust anyone in our situations.

Thank you again....ashamed to say ive still not caught up on thread so sorry im rubbish support for others at the mo Am going to try and get some sleep before they really do come back and if MIL starts banging down the door I shall bury my head further under duvet covers - is that bad? Back late tonight lovely ladies to offer proper support to others xx

Wouldn't he see that as you trying to poison dd1 against him though, leclerc?

maggie, what happens next? Is there anywhere you could escape to with the dc if he does blow up at you once he gets back? I agree with the others that this seems to be the strongest signal yet that you need to get out asap.
pony, hope you have a lovely time with your dsds. Mine are supposed to be coming up at the weekend, but one doesn't want to see FW, so not sure if we will get to see her. The other posted a lovely thing on my fb about a stepparent being amazing as they love another's child as their own and thanked me. I must have done something right then!

just quickly Maggie it struck me from you post that this might be why he is out so long, trying to get MIL round there to properly interrogate you about your plans, and what you are up to exactly? As you said he's been very suspicious of you, and she's been pressurising you for this information.
... but you're the bond agent lovely! I hope you can sleep.

Pony good thanks, knee deep in studies [still-groan] xxx

have to stop now for making pancakes for tea. Happy pancake day LLoTT xx

So glad your safe and ok maggie I read your post at about 3am this morning (stomach bug), but was to exhausted to respond, sorry.

Probably going to get a sulky H this evening. I was supposed to be meeting with a hair salon I got my hair done at about a month ago to talk about a refund. I hated the cut, so went and got it cut somewhere else the next day. But of course H feels we should get a refund. I haven't gone to see them, as with my anxiety and stomach bug I don't feel up to it. H last night said 'don't go if your not feeling ok about it', but it'll probably annoy him anyway that I haven't gone.

Just remembered another thing because of you saying about sleeping on the sofa maggie. When I was really ill with a migraine, the full works not being able to sleep, splitting headache, vomiting, everything, H got really annoyed with me having to keep getting up to be sick in the toilet, but he didn't want me to have a bowl in the room. So anyway he tells me 'for fuck sake stop fucking getting up or sleep on the sofa', it was horrible and made me feel so shit. Even now he has a go if I interrupt his sleep by being ill or any other reason, and god forbid our daughter having a unsettled night. He says it's because he doesn't his routine being affected, or his 'down time' being compromised.

I really wish I had the strength to tell my Mum and sister I want to leave him, but I'm just not finding it atm

Started an online secure journal to try and keep all my thoughts straight, as someone suggested earlier in the thread. Been writing in it and just remembered another incident that happened a couple of days ago. DD was playing with her dressing up box and was reaching in to get something and as she did I noticed a really big house spider start crawling up the lid. I grabbed her to try and get her away from it so that I could deal with it (with the hoover!) and she pulled on the lid, causing it to come crashing down. I was freaking out, I am petrified of spiders, I lifted the lid and the spider was gone, no sign of it at all. I started checking all our clothes, feeling very scared and shaky, thinking when the lid slammed the spider got propelled towards us . I started asking H if he had seen the spider, if he knew where it went, so he first says forget about it (yeah right!) and then starts saying perhaps it's in yours or DD's hair, perhaps it's on your clothes, all with a grin on his face, despite knowing how scared I am of them.

Leclerc Yeah I feel kinda outraged looking back on the conversation, but also feel well maybe I'm being unreasonable, after all who does want their relaxation time interrupted? In the same conversation H said that all he wants is a quiet life, with a wife and family to come home to, enough money not to worry and his relaxation time in the evenings on his computer...

TCM I can see why he wants that but what do you get out of this lovely situation for him?

maggie thank f*ck! well done and hurrah!
but I agree keep your phone on and first sign of trouble be ready to get the police or get out. sounds like you are very well prepared and most of the way out the door already. you are so very brave, I really feel for you.
(really puts my very, very minor problems in comparison with ex into perspective.)

TCM no-one likes their down time interrupted, but that's kids and life for you. Perhaps he'd prefer a copy of The Sims?

Alice making an attempt when they know they have reached the bottom line- hoovering. I got hoovered so many times. And then I would do the whole well OK if you commit to the following (reasonable seeming things mostly like not turning up at eleven at night...opt into your family instead of acting like it is a chore...bit less internet...no more name calling...) then he' do the bargaining bit- well you have to be nicer, you have to say thank you etc. etc.

(I now realise the whole making deals thing was a big mistake.)

he'd be fine for a bit. then he'd slip back. I'd be policing the things he agreed to. He'd say I was a miserable control freak and he never agreed to them in the first place and before you know it is is business as usual again only with the resentment incrementally hiked up on both sides.

Arg why does H have to be being very nice atm and 'trying' very hard. It is making me so confused.

Mink H is currently trying, wanting to fix everything, but tbh with you I feel like such a mug when I consider giving it another go. All the things that have happened, all the times he's promised me he'll try, he latest is that he knows it's hard right now, and he is trying very hard, but things will be very different when I graduate and am bringing in more money... It always stems back to money with him. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if he tries his hardest to fix it, I still think that it is too late, the love and wanting to make it work has gone from me