Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships:16

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I had meant to say Leclerc that, although I am completely irreligious I can still completely respect others beliefs, for that reason it maddened me, when I saw all of your honorable and humbling efforts to be open kind, responsible and repentent to your DC over the years of everything, and I said at the time how just humbling and tearyfying it was. Also I was thinking, how you are living your beliefs to the core, within your home; today you say how is is on your back about getting to church - ummmm, pardon me, WTF!? Why exactly do you go to church you FW FW???? You can tell him that god is in your life and in your home and that where good christian people go when thats where they are neeeded - go figure FW a'hole! grrrrrr too. Although actually, in reality don't say anything of course, just smile and say goodbye xxx

Oh Maggie (onthesofa) I hope things work out ok today. Its great isn't it when people are finally 'in' on the awful goings on so you feel supported, but then they go and do this and don't realise, or have no way knowing, how it makes everything a gazillion times worse

I was so glad to have had a good glug with friend last night. I finally peeled DC off the couch and took to bed, as no longer feeling sick, plus poorly dog with temp, at bout 2 I think . The relaxing boozy night along iwth your comments re: f/back have put some distance between it and me, and I feel stronger to face that today. thank you lovelies.

xxx

Sorry not read or caught up just a quick desperate post to say I'm desperately unhappy a d don't think I can stick this out even for short term as planned.

Oh Breathe. Was just reading quickly in between work (now abandoned as DS2 is awake), but had to post.

I am not surprised. He's a FW and you are still essentially in the same house. Get out. Call WA and get thee to a refuge. Go to your Mum's. Or get him out. I know it all seems too much upheaval, and it will be in the short term, it'll be really hard going, but in the long term it's better than staying. If he's harassing you in the house, making you afraid, don't stand for it, just call 101 for advice (or call 999 directly). You don't need to wait till he does something again, if you are afraid that's enough.

Thinking of you. hugs

(And Maggie - stay safe as always, my lovely.)

Then don't. My plans went badly wrong and I had to get out a month earlier than "the plan"...best thing I ever did breathe. Sometimes enough is enough.

Sort stuff out from the other side.

You can walk out for a pint of milk and never go back if you have to. Everything else will follow.

Sorry Breathe, that looks like I'm just barking orders at you, they are meant to be supportive suggestions! But just in a hurry to get it all down before DS2 kicks off at being left in the cot awake for too long, and it all came spilling out...

Breathe :(
I am another one who did not follow the plan she had drawn up.
One afternoon, I had just had enough.
Ok, it was not perfect, but I have not had even one second thought.
There were no second thoughts to have, really. I had had all the thoughts it was possible to have; it was time to do.
You do not have to put up with anything for a minute longer.

breathe do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe.

leClerc if it was me I would FIL over the threshold, but he'd get no further than the hall.

Steps can be large, steps can be small. Some of us had to take that one big step first, others of us (me included) take tiny steps - I sorted all the bookcase shelves, his one end, mine the other, and squirelled away the most vital kitchen stuff. When you're going through hell, keep moving...

Leclerc Hall sounds like a good compromise.

LeClerc I'd make a hard and fast rule for myself - nobody over the threshold that I don't 100% want in the house. Not sure if that helps though. Not sure why FW needs to know if you're going to church. I think we get too conditioned to automatically answer any and all questions, instead of simply answering "I don't know. Why do YOU need to know?"

Yes, NC, by the way. I was um.. doing many things at once and got overwhelmed.. and chose this as it's a goal. Hope that makes sense.

Still struggling here. H doesn't control the money in the household, I do (mainly because he couldn't cope when the depression hit), although we do tend to butt heads over it occasionally. He has been dodging responsibility for lots of things, leaving it all to me, which is just too much trying to do everything with little or no support (or active fuss against me). So not the typical EA situation, I suppose.

He just doesn't listen to anything (me or the children). Sometimes it's like we're not here. I feel invisible, like I don't count. I've had to drag him away from his computer today just to get him to talk to and play with the children.

And just a slight separate rant. I am so tired of playing policeman to his behaviour. Do all women have to tell their partners to calm down, stop shouting, stop yelling at the children, don't speak that way to us, and on and on? Shouldn't he be able to control himself on his own? It's exhausting and irritating. It's like having another child in the house. A horridly bad tempered child.

Alright. I'm better now for getting that out. I have literally nobody else to talk to about this at the moment, as I'm stuck at home. He's supposed to go back to work this week, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm betting he gets signed off again.

So you are rooming on the second floor and the days of Christmas have passed??

And just a slight separate rant. I am so tired of playing policeman to his behaviour. Do all women have to tell their partners to calm down, stop shouting, stop yelling at the children, don't speak that way to us, and on and on? No this is not normal, not right.

But you know that, right?

im another one who didn't stick to my plans. one time too many i was forced out of the house in tears taking the baby with me to mums, and i said that was it, i wasn't coming back, for good. he got a shock that time when he realised i was for real. best decision ive made, although things have been by no means easy.

Tis, not saying it will be the case for you, but FIL and MIL dropped dd off one night before christmas and it was a nightmare letting them in. They were awful to me... i posted about it on here. just be very careful and be very strong!

The plan is OUR plan. WE make it. WE change it. It's ours to do that with.

Good luck Breathe, you won't regret it.

Thankfully i didn't need an escape plan. ex bf would leave at drop of hat anyway(usually when he was ment to have kids so i could go out)...although he had started getting the idea that i wasn't exactly in a hurry for him to comeback after his strop offs .

I just decided next time is the last time pal.

So he come in moaning about his tea fir 2nd night in a row. previous night was you have deliberately put too much food on my plate. you are a feeder. I don't like throwing food out when there are people starving. this time was 'is that leftovers? Don't you dare feed me leftovers don't ever make me this shit again' with lots of swearing. plus you can do their homework with them in the morning I'm not doing it I'm going on the internet.
I was all dressed and ready to go out. Decided I'd rather stay in and he could go out. for good.

He sussed a couple of days later that i was serious and started giving it 'what about me. i don't want us to split up. My bills will go up if i am in my house more. the kids will hate you. you're not perfect. y
ou should be nicer to me. etc.'

No grovelling apology. no omg i am a that for saying that.

I just kept repeating shouting swearing and name calling are not acceptable.
No acknowledgement.
Few days later.he said my friends say you must have someone else. bet he never told them weird fir word the don't feed me that shit conversation.

Word for word..not weird. dam phone.

Anyway i thought I'd see if i could get him to admit he had a problem with AM. not with intention of taking him back...just to see. so glad i did. I phrased it carefully etc.

His response- the usual circular arguments that have gone on fir 5 years followed by you are a control freak a fantacist etc. etc.

so now i know for sure he is an EA. he has some kind of PD that makes him totally unselfaware.

he said you are the one with problem.

I replied i am not the one who has been dumped by his gf for yet another abusive outburst.

I didn't say- no I had a problem but I threw him out 3 weeks ago;-) well not to him anyway.

Hi, lovely! It didn't work out to come and stalk see you this time - still a hope for the future, though!

Alice - playing policeman is so frustrating and so wearing, isn't it? A deliberate ploy, no doubt, to show us that we can't rely on them or expect anything from them. I don't do it any more, except if the behaviour's harming the dcs. I just smile and nod inwardly and note it in my journal as soon as I can.

So now he is not speaking to except to see kids which hopefly means he won't try to come back and i have finally told my friends that he was verbally abusing me..always been cautious in past because i kept taking him back.

he is not nearly as bad as most of the FW referred to on this thread but stilltoo much work to be part of our life. and Alice re. policing and being computer instead of with kids...all sounded so familiar i wondered if he had been moonlighting at your place

Things that are troubling me today... 1. gaining more strength so I can see his FW face in court and not crumble but not looking too hard to the judge. Has anyone any advice please.

1. Hissy your words always give me that strength and whilst I would not say to him The plan is my plan. I make it. I change it. It's mine to do that with. How do I stay strong and not let him walk all over me and not let him shout when I don't do what he says and yet not be seen to be just doing what I want?

I seem to able to do that with others no problem, I never worry about that with others but even after all this time I worry he will tie me up in nots again.

I can't face the constant battle again. I'm having to write a statement about his abusive behaviour - I worry they will not see it, that if I have to speak it will not sound as bad or just silly. I don't even know how much the judge will ask - will I have to tell them everything. And as I go back though it all it scares me and I get scared of him again - I don't want him back in my life - why should I have to have him in it after all this time.
I am so sorry for not replying to everyone else. I have not been on much.

Just checking in to say hi all... sooo much FWittery going on, it is depressing. But at the same time you ladies all dealing with it (go Leclerc!) Hissy I do hope you're right about this kind of experience teaching you. I am worried about becoming bitter and mistrustful. I'm still in the middle of it right now - can't take a step back and reflect, yet.

Charlotte & Confused you said a bit further up about seeing your partners as good men... that struck a chord with me too. I can't help myself from seeing H as a good person even after everything that has happened.

I have the keys to my new little house, and moved a bit of furniture in though the water isn't reconnected yet so can't move in. I am leaving most of our stuff in the flat with H, as proof that he is wrong when he says that money is all I care about. I am going to have a day off work this week and intend to spend it in Ikea

DD2 keeps bursting into tears and saying she doesn't want to move house. Although she has been to the new house several times and doesn't want to leave once she is there. I have tried to reassure her by saying that she will still see Daddy as often as she wants - new house is about 3 miles away. I didn't want the DC to have to change schools mid year, so we stayed close. The thought of upsetting the DC was what kept me with H for so long - I am not sure how to explain why we are leaving. They remember so many incidents - smashed computer, cake in the bin, throwing ironing, throwing platefuls of food aroound, threatening to bin toys, all the angry swearing at me... I don't know what I should say because I don't want to turn them against their father.

H is very quiet. He says there's no point talking to me because I got what I wanted, and I should be happy now. He seems to think I am leaving to go and live the high life. Don't know if he really thinks this, or if he's trying to wind me up.

He hasn't told his family or friends. He doesn't have any close friends in the area, and I worry about him. Surely if your wife leaves you, you need to someone to talk to? I am wondering if I should call BIL and talk to him. I worry about him being lonely once we have moved out.

Charlotte that is what I'm doing as well. Password coded diary online, so can't be accessed. I haven't read back through it yet but been putting things in there for about 2 weeks. Almost afraid to read it as I'm sure it will be stressful (and eye opening when read all at once).

Sadly while H is showing signs of trying to make an effort, it seems like too little too late to me. When he can say "I was patient and talked to him (DS) and didn't lose my temper" like it's an accomplishment, I just feel ill. It's so rare that it's considered an accomplishment?

I'm just putting out fires while I prepare.

Alice H is like that. If I ever 'nag' about his behaviour he says "but I've NEVER hit you and I NEVER would!" as if that makes everything else ok. Then he talks about his auntie (poor lady) who was married to a man who used to beat her black and blue and who left her because she couldn't have children. That, to him, is an unhappy marriage but it isn't because some people are worse that he is OK.

Journal is a really helpful to stop yourself forgetting what happened. Then once you've decided to leave you can read it if you have any doubts about what you're doing!

nora good luck with move. :-)
Argh at ikea. unless you really enjoy furniture shopping but it has to be done and at least it will be your furniture!

thanks Nearest Ikea is an hour and a half drive away, so haven't been in years. I think I have rose tinted memories, and I'm looking forward to it