Why are so many people up at this hour ?

[SummerDad]

Just wondering ...

jynier if our flippancy isn't what you need right now-isn't helping or is perhaps making things worse then perhaps this
isn't the thread for you. Only you will know that I suppose though.
However, please don't feel you have to go though just because it isn't a bereavement specific site or thread. No-one can dictate where one might find comfort, solace, support or distraction and I think it is important to not only recognise when you find it but to grab hold with both hands. I'm not saying this is the place for you, but if it is, please stay.

Drcafecito I'm so very sorry to read your posts below. I had no idea that you had been through such a dreadful experience. No-one should ever have to bury their child. I can't imagine the type of pain you must have yo live with.

Feel very ill with grief but can't show it or express it! People don't understand and just want us to get back to "normal."

There won't ever be a "normal" again when we have experienced such a devastating loss! Our lives have changed forever.

Obviously you talk from your own experience, jynier but I don't think it is fair to say that people, as in everyone expects you to get back to normal. I certainly don't think that and wouldn't expect that. I might not have lost a child or husband but I have lost people who are close to me and I do understand grief and bereavement. I know that there is no normal and that things can never be the same again.

jynier I am very sorry about your loss. You are right there won't ever be a normal again when we experience such a devastating experience. All we can hope is to get used to living with the pain for all the years to come and to accept this pain is the part of our life. I won't go into details but I am saying this from my own experience, living with a loss is like living with a chronic illness, every such loss is like a new wound which won't ever heal though we might come at terms with it in due course of time, some days would be better and others wont be.

When I started this thread I was really disturbed and was feeling too lonely, saw threads being updated one after the other in the middle of the night and just wondered why so many people could be awake in the early hours of the morning, nothing serious was intended really.

Cafe & jynier - I'm so sorry you have lost people you love & are still struggling to sleep as a result. I can't imagine losing any of my children, although DS2 aged 19 & his risky lifestyle worries me alot & that keeps me awake in itself.

I did the Night Nurse zombie bombs last night - feel really hung over today as a result but I slept for 10 hours.

On scary iPad apologies for typos in advance...only just opened the thing, waiting for a train at c.wharf, bleurgh. Yes jynier please stay if it helps and just pop in whenever you like, don't feel like you should be on a set type of thread :) I agree it can feel like everyone expects things to be back to normal, life moves on, their lives unaffected but yours forever shattered. Most people i used to work with didn't know, and hardly anyone on my course knows, to them I am happy happy funny etc. she had two liver transplants, jynier, was fine most of her life then suddenly very unwell so it was a terrible shock. I dont think we all reach a place of acceptance, some things are just unacceptable! some losses never can be reconciled with reality. I just think, as you know, that level of loss is so unimaginable, so huge and overwhelming, that it can either destroy you...or you can do what they would want you to do, move through it day by day as unbearable as it seems, but work the loss into your life. Because its so big, it just means everything else has to get bigger to house it as a permanent part of you. That makes no sense ho hum but yeah, we're here for you jynier x

Zombie bombs!! Sounds awesome I got...3 hours last night, wasn't late for school, so not too bad!

A couple of Night Nurse capsules & I'm away with the fairies but feel like the top of my head is missing the next morning but it's worth it Perhaps it's just me?!!

Summer dad you've started a revolution viva la midnight posting! Or is it a meme? I've been invited to 'Harlem shake' in neon leggings, told to bring props, forever on youtube...think I'll pass on that haha

Oh cafe how awful for you - how old was she?

Ouch!!

Preschool, I had her pretty young. Next week is her birthday :( to me anyway, nobody else will remember, bit mopey at the moment. She died nearly 4 years ago now but though the raw horror has gone, it's replaced by distraction and disbelief, like none of it happened, it's just at anniversary times it occasionally hits me, or sometimes out of the blue. Sorry :) maybe I should try zombie meds all week!!

Oh Cafe -

still lurking. Nothing sensible to add, have also been awake yet again all night, love the zombie bombs theory I'm here worrying myself stupid about everything too so we're in good company. DH on the long slow road to recovering from cancer, this being far more scary than the chemo. weird but true.

Does it work if you go to bed ridiculously early? well like now (ahem this is most folks' bed time, hehee)

Hi Shrek - I always go to bed at 9pm & read & piss about on MN. Sometimes then sleep all night, sometimes wake at 2am whittling away!

might have to try it (I particularly love the "piss about on mn" part )

wow mrsshrek, can't imagine that. Can you explain why it's scarier (just being nosy medic, tell me to bugger orf) I don't have a lot of experience of cancer, really. My grandmother died from pancreatic cancer, I had a couple friends with endometrial cancer, a friend died of prostate cancer, and one is in remission. But I never know what to say- recently someone told me they had cancer and I had no.idea.how.to.respond. which is silly because I really should know.

ipad mini not as scary as I thought (luddite!)no idea what an app is though :D but provides more opportunity to piss about on MN all over the place!

9pm incredibly early!

No TV here but watching 'junior doctors' on iplayer- shocking how little experience they have, I guess I'm fortunate to have so much clinical stuff, but I would be shot down if I dared wear scrubs outside the hospital..

hehee cafe.... scarier because there's no treatment plan, testing every 14 days, chemo where you know stuff is "being done" - the diagnosing and the treatment plan part is all very active, obv. Then you get to the end of it, and all the scariness is still there (plus nine months and counting running on adrenaline) and shock horror no active treatment, no weekly hospital visits, none of the being constantly monitored comfort blanket iyswim. He's got three monthly CT/contrast scans and consultant appointments, but attempting to resume some sort of normality (as if we ever knew what that was ) is very odd indeed, and we have changed, the cancer journey has made us different. Closer, but very different from the people we were before. I don't want to ramble or do deep meaningful shit in the mood I'm in so will leave it there.
BTW, no response is right or wrong, like any other shitty situation, be it cancer, bereavement, whatever. if you are just there and people know that, it's enough. The best response I got was from a very good friend who said "ooh, that's a bit shite, innit" and carried on with our conversation about the price of something . Perfect ime. Obv wouldn't work for everyone

PS yay for DH hope people get some sleep tonight!

oh x posts mrsshrek, thank you for taking the time to explain. yes I understand what you mean now, there is no going back to normality after a diagnosis like that, it must be very surreal to be 'back' from a whirlwind of treatment like that. but great news- but yes, I can see how it would be scary. thank you

I would have thought that relief would be the biggie tbh, but we haven't got there yet, still too busy being paranoid, shitting ourselves, etc

indeedy, yay for DH. If the idea of remission sinks in.

anyway, sleep? I think I remember what that was. I keep offering to take in babies for friends, so they can sleep (because they want to) and I am awake regardless. None of them have taken me up on it yet, the fools
Nocturnal childminding services, do you think I have a business idea here then...

Mrs Shrek - go onto Chocoraisin's thread & offer yourself - she's bite your hand off at the moment!!
It was all quiet from midnight - we all slept?!

Chocoreturns actually now!

I'm going to assume people slept! No sleep for me though, then felt wrecked all of today. What have I learned .. sleep is good.

Anyone want my DS when I do nightshifts please? thanks v much !

I think anxiety is quite a usual feeling rather than relief Mrs Shrek, we are taught that many patients find this kind of transition stage the most difficult, so it's great he has such a lovely family for support (though it must really take it out of you as well)

I am eating chocolate and I cancelled all workouts today. cafecito is blobbing out post-exams!