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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

tomorrow I hand over my children to the OW for the first time

999 replies

chocoreturns · 26/01/2013 22:44

I don't know what else to say, just need a hand hold tonight.

OW and STBXH are now house hunting 15 mins from my house, and spending EOW with my baby and DS. They have been lying about her being there right up until today. I finally reached the end of my tether, while listening to DS1 tell me all about house hunting with OW all day, having been told he was with only his dad and granny.

So I called STBXH and told him I'm over it, it's time to stop pretending I'm an ogre who can't bear to meet her, and to bring her to handover. If she's going to be on my doorstep and having my children in her home, I need to know who she is. She took my baby DS2 swimming with his dad today - it was his first swim. I am far beyond anger now and I'm just sad about it all :(

Not sure what to say to her, but I would like to take her to one side when STBXH is putting the kids in the car, and say look - I know you and I aren't going to be friends, but my children are my priority, and I need to know they are safe and happy when they're not with me. If you ever don't know what to do, or you're on your own with them and you think they need me, please know that it's ok to call me and I'll be fine with you. Then give her my number.

Is that mad? Or sensible and mature?

This is a moment I need a mumsnet straw poll :(

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoreturns · 05/02/2013 20:04

only over his shoulder? I have visions of being lifted up against a wall... Shock hello libido! I wondered where you'd gone Grin

I like the sound of good things

Hurrah for the post-twunt world :)

In twunt news, I checked with nursery today. He has not called them (following my step by step instructions on how to 'get involved') to be added to their mailing list. Are we surprised? We are not.

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 05/02/2013 20:05

Ooh, there are all sorts of innuendos for carpenters!

AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 20:10

We are most unsurprised

bamboozled · 05/02/2013 20:15

Oh my god, it's like a diet coke ad... Yay!!! x

Original poster
chocoreturns · 05/02/2013 20:34

it's a little more pedestrian, but can I have a little moan about my boiler please? it's on the blink tonight and I have NO idea what to do. It's hidden behind a gas fire and I think I should be able to take the front off (it's a proper, big fire though) to check/relight the pilot light... anyway, I don't think I'm going to try and fix it as there is a handyman coming tomorrow (not the carpenter, sadly. Someone from the letting agency) so I'm sat here in three layers and a huge dressing gown and the kids are under about 5 layers each. It's fecking freezing. I wouldn't mind a big of hot loving to warm me up, but looks like a hot water bottle is more likely!

OP posts:
Original poster
chocoreturns · 05/02/2013 20:36

I suspect this is my first trial in the new house, am I a capable single mother who can deal when things go wrong?

um, no. I'm not. But I have a stash of extra blankets, so I guess that's a start!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 20:38

Oh no, what a night for the boiler to go on the blink !

Lots of hot drinks, blankets etc

Don't mess with it yourself

bamboozled · 05/02/2013 20:39

Surely a carpenter would know what to do? I bet he's very handy (and really no pun intended)!

CuttedUpPear · 05/02/2013 20:40

Don't fret about your DS wanting to be beautiful. Mine wore flowery pink wellies at age four and did a lot of playing with flowers. It doesn't mean they need a male role model at all. It means they might be nice men when they are grown up.

AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 20:45

My DS used to put a pot towel on his head and say he was a girl

My (older) dd used to push him round in a dolly's pram and call him "Annabel", her baby girl

MY FILs face was a picture ! Grin

AnyFucker · 05/02/2013 20:45

sorry, the pot towel was to signify long hair, in case that's not clear

bamboozled · 05/02/2013 20:53

Don't touch the boiler yourself...I'll make you laugh to warm you up instead...
After you mentioned leg defuzzing etc.
. 3 weeks ago, DH away, i thought I'd have a treat and booked myself for a leg wax and pedicure so legs in full pelt and had taken off my dark red varnish on my toes so they could breathe for once - so looking really scabby and yellowy (nice image huh?)
The night before my appointment, my back goes, out of nowhere, cannot move more than 45 degrees and no way of getting DH home for days.. Kids 10 & 12 are great, undress me, put dogs out, lock up house and we all go to bed... I realise in the middle of the night, in a cold sweat, that DH will insist i see his best friend, the really really dishy back Dr....
Dilemma - what would you do, ask dd1, 12 to shave my legs and paint my toe nails, or just go with the shame of it all, knowing his wife, who is lovely, is beautifully groomed at all times, where as I will have to stand hobble before him in my grundies, fuzzy with old lady toenails....

MumVsKids · 05/02/2013 20:58

We have a boiler that sounds just like yours Choco - positively prehistoric.

The pilot light is relatively easy to relight, but if there is anything wrong with it, it will likely have to be replaced with a combo boiler as most of the back boiler systems are now totally obsolete!!

Our letting agent has sent an engineer out to ours three times now, and he says it is only a matter of time til it needs replacing. Which will mean lower gas bills and more water pressure, yippee!!!

MumVsKids · 05/02/2013 20:59

Oh, and for all the supporters of Choco and others in similar positions, we have another twunt in the midst :(

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1670597-So-DH-said

This lady sounds like she needs some advice and hand holding if any of you have a free moment.

Original poster
chocoreturns · 05/02/2013 21:18

MumVsKids, I'll pop over directly... :( yes it's a back boiler and my first MONTH of electric and gas bill is £120 Shock I did NOT factor in that kind of cost! I hope I don't go under or live off my savings in the next 6 months...

Bamboozled oh you poor thing! the shame! Can your DD do it? I'd have done my mums toenails at that age, might have balked at shaving her legs though (and probably would have cut her to ribbons, having only used Immac on my own at that point!)

CuttedUpPear and AF bless our darling boys. I just want to eat him up when he is so adorable :)

OP posts:
BornToFolk · 05/02/2013 21:19

Is your boiler in warranty choco? Or at least do you have the manual anywhere?
A couple of months after exP left, I woke up to no hot water one morning. I panicked briefly, then womaned up, had a cold shower and took DS to nursery. Then I found the boiler manual, called the helpline and was talked through how to sort it out. The pressure had gone apparently, and it was just a matter of turning a tap until it reached a satisfactory level. Not rocket science, but still, I went from not knowing what the hell to do, to visions of a busted boiler costing thousands to repair/replace, to me sorting the whole thing out myself for nowt! I think I was only about half an hour late to work too. I walked around the whole day like this Grin

When I was with exP I would have left it to him to sort out, which he probably would have done with much huffing and puffing. It really made me think that I can actually deal with this kind of stuff myself. Although...my mum was round one night and we were having a v empowering "we don't need no stinking men" kind of rant (she's been single since I was 12). Then a MASSIVE black spider ran across the floor and we both freaked out! I suppose men are useful sometimes...

bamboozled · 05/02/2013 21:46

Grin kids found putting my knickers on traumatic enough! Luckily dishy dr prescribed over the phone - phew- now had three weeks of whopper drugs, hoping it will pass soon... Best thing is that the fuckwit can't wind me up with his playing games, and in fact it has been best thing ever for my now-DH, (kiddos stepdad) as he has had to step in and do all the parenting.. It's quite hard once you've done it on your own for years, to let go of the reins and let someone else don't, however much you love them and they love your kids. Perhaps these things happen for a reason.
Hope you don't freeze tonight, perfect excuse for a bed full of snuggly small people!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/02/2013 22:33

Choco hats if necessary -shawl over head style works too.

Expect racy thoughts of a certain carpenter might help keep you warm!

Twunt, dare I say, with predictable no show of interest in nursery - unless in some calculated display of glory and chance to flaunt Hero Dad credentials.

Know of one little boy now deep voiced hulk who liked nothing better than joining older DSis and cousins dressing up as Ariel and Snow White.

Get well soon bamboozled.

Thumbwitch · 05/02/2013 23:03

Choco, my DS1 (5) loves to be called "byooful" - MIL or one of her ghastly prehistoric friends tried to tell him that he can't be beautiful because he's a boy Hmm but I put a stop to that nonsense.
He does dance classes, including ballet, and for the shows I put eyeliner around his eyes (very fair boy) to enhance them in the pictures/video. He likes to check I've done a good job! I don't wear a lot of make up so he's never really seen me with it on and never had a chance to have some - but he likes to have his nails done if I do mine. And he likes DH to have them done too Wink

Hope your boiler gets fixed very soon, and I second the hat/scarf advice, and gloves too if you can manage it.

eskimofriends · 06/02/2013 01:08

Choco
I hope you don't mind me delurking. I have been reading this thread with great interest - and even greater admiration. Your restraint and dignity is inspiring. And the love you have for your boys is clear in everything you write.
Many years ago I was in a very similar situation to yours. I will not trouble you with the details. Suffice to say, reading about your STBXH and his OW brought back very painful memories.
I don't think you need to know my story. But would you let me say this? It's what I wish someone had said to me, all those years ago, when my DS was a year old, my XH was happy with the OW and I was bewildered and alone:

  1. You will get through this. Stronger and calmer and wiser than you thought possible.
  2. Your sons will get through this too, secure in the knowledge that they are loved and protected by you.
  3. Nobody on the planet can be your sons' mummy - except you. No matter what ridiculous nicknames they give themselves. And your sons' are already clever enough to know that.
  4. People are not fooled by your STBXH. They can see through his manipulations. They know when an otherwise absent father is playing the daddy card for effect.
  5. You are beautiful and loving and you will not be alone for ever. Or even for much longer.
  6. One day, your sons will be men who will have learnt, from you, how to love and respect women. They will be blessed with healthy relationships because their first relationship was with you. They will never treat their loved ones the way your STBXH treats you.
I hope this doesn't sound patronising. It's the benefit of many years of painful experience. And I rarely managed to show the dignity that you have. But, the truth is this. My son is a kind, sensitive and generous young man. All the things his dad will never be. Despite my fears, I WAS able to give him what he needed. He isn't damaged. He isn't broken. Because I didn't let my XH damage or break me. In spite of it all, I raised a wonderful human being. (And you will too.)
tadjennyp · 06/02/2013 05:36

I have also been lurking on choco's threads and been amazed by how strong and dignified she has been, but I just wanted to say what a lovely post from eskimo. Thanks Here's to a wonderful third date and bamboozled's back getting better! Wine

bamboozled · 06/02/2013 06:07

eskimofriends- tears in my eyes at the wisdom and kindness of your post. It is inspiring to read, how the behaviour of these twunts brings out a hidden depth, strength and courage that people never know they possessed. x
(thank you tasjenny too)

Thumbwitch · 06/02/2013 06:33

FX the MRI shows what's wrong with your back, bamboozled, and leads to it being fixed. Back pain is a right bastard to deal with at the best of times. :(

Eskimo, what a fantastic post. It should be turned into one of those inspirational posters that get cycled around FB and email and so on - but only to the people who need it of course. If MNHQ do a book on broken relationships and how to survive them, that should be the foreword, IMO.

Oh and choco - glad the dates are going well!

Original poster
chocoreturns · 06/02/2013 08:03

eskimo thank you :) your post is joining the 'most inspirational board' I have up at home, I've written out some of the most heartwarming, kind and inspiring things people have said to me over all my threads and keep them on a pinboard above my desk to remind me what to think about when the going gets tough. I've got cards up there too, from my MN secret santa, and some of you fabulous cheerleaders who sent me things when DS2 was born. I LOVE my pinboard. I will keep the things on it forever, because when it fills up I'll start scrapbooking them too.

I'm always sad when someone is able to give advice through experience here, but always, always glad to know that we do prevail. X

OP posts:
Midwife99 · 06/02/2013 09:22

Oh Eskimo that was really inspiring - would you be so kind as to post that on wavesandsmiles' thread "So DH said". She really needs our support right now. Pregnant, in hospital with hyperemesis & DH is up to the usual tricks with the same old script.