Would you ever phone the OW?

[CaptainScott]

I am struggling a bit with my BF's behaviour. Just wanted a straw poll.
My BF DH had a brief fling a year ago. Friend started divorce proceedings but she has now put that on hold and they are having counselling.

Recently, my friend found the OW phone number and phoned her mobile from her DHs phone- she thought this was a good "trap". She got voicemail so left a message telling the OW that if she found out there was any more contact she would make sure she lost her job and her reputation would be in tatters. (OW and her DH work for same organisation .) She also said she would then start contacting her at home- OW is younger and lives with parents. She doesn't know her name in RL or where she lives so this is all bluff.

My friend I think expected me to share her triumph at all of this- but I just felt she had belittled herself and was behaving very badly. I want to be supportive but I do not like what she has done or is becoming.

I think anyone who has been cheated on can identify with the sentiment... "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" and what have you... but, no, it's always better to maintain the moral high-ground rather than scrapping it out in the gutters. Threatening someone is pretty nasty, whatever they've done. It's her 'D'H she should be kicking in the metaphorical bollocks, not some bit of a kid...

Yep, when I had been cheated on, I would have been happy to line the pair of them against a wall (in my dreams, obs ) but I read a lovely phrase somewhere and it has always stuck with me, "Your dignity does not have an 'off' switch"

If you discover an OW/OM and have reason to believe s/he may not know affair partner is married, then a single contact to put them factually straight might be worth it.

Anything else is better not sent (vent here instead!), though it may be complex if you thought that person was your friend and you paths will continue to cross.

But now your friend has made a call, all you can do is support her from where she is now. Do you think she will call OW's parents?

If her DH is not immediately and unambiguously ending the affair, then perhaps she should think about be putting her energy into deciding whether this marriage can ever again be good enough for her.

I don't blame her for doing it, but personally, I wouldn't waste the price of a phone call, on someone I regard as an inferior human being.

What she has done is make threats to harass the ow which, if acted upon, could result in your bf being given a police caution, or worse, which will do little to enhance her reputation or future prospects in terms of employment

Your bf should also realise that, given the relatively young age of the ow and the fact she is living at home, she's not just be taking on her h's paramour, she's also taking on the ow's parents who may not take kindly to their dd being threatened.

All in all, it's probable that your bf has succeeded in making her h feel protective of his ow, and no doubt their employers will follow suit should their affair come to light through any action of your bf.

What a very silly woman your bf is. Can't you talk any sense into her?

Did she ask for your opinion and if so, what did you say?

I take the view that there's not much point berating someone after the event; what's done is done.

I'm not sure I understand the bit about you not liking 'what she has become'?

In all probability, neither does she but she could probably do with some support and not judgement.

I think that in telling me she was inviting a comment- but I made none.
It will come up again in our conversations I am sure. I think she has made a mistake but don't feel it's my place to criticise which is really why I am sharing here to get it out of my system.

FWIW the OW is many years younger, and when the deed took place my bf had already issued a divorce petition which her DH took with him when he went away on business and met the OW- presumably to show her. The petition was issued on the grounds that he confessed to having met someone whom he liked and had had dinner with, and had strong feelings for. So technically he was being divorced when he was unfaithful.

I just think my bf has "lost it" and it worries me that she is going to continue this harrassment.

Yes I'm sure that's what he said happened. It's not necessarily the truth though, as I'm sure you realise.

I think part of your friend's motive for doing this was to test the water with the OW to verify what her husband is telling her. It's very unusual for a man to confess to feelings about another woman and precipitate the end of his marriage, when there has been only one dinner date and no physical contact. If they are going to recover from this, it is essential that she knows the truth of what happened otherwise the marriage is going to be rebuilt on lies.

I'd gently try to steer her in the direction of questioning what she truly believes, focusing her attention on him and the holes in his story - and not the OW. What's happening is a form of displacement and is likely to be borne out of mistrust about is version of events.

She has 'lost it'. The poor cow is floundering and doesn't know what to do for the best. Her first instinct was divorce, she's been talked round to going to counselling and I think she feels that she's lost control of the situation. So she's frustrated & can't lash out at the real cause of the problem because....oh I don't know... he's been pulling some big sob-story in the therapy sessions. The type that claims to have only met the OW after being threatened with divorce clearly struggles to keep touch with reality

She needs something to punch and, for whatever reason best known to her, she doesn't feel able to punch her DH..... enough to drive anyone round the twist

Be a friend. If she asks you again, don't tell her she has lost it, or she's harassing her, or that it is bad behaviour. Just gently advise her to keep her dignity and rise above. You don't sound very supportive

I did call the OW when I found flirty texts on my STBX's phone .. I used his phone to call her ..

I just told her that he was married and hands off ..

It didn't make a blind bit of difference .. He said he was 'embarrassed' and 'had knocked it on the head' but they carried on for another 8 months until I found proof and kicked him out and they split about 5 months after that

I did fantasise about contacting her etc but if it hadn't been her it would have been someone else and I'm glad I didn't lower myself

Hang on. The H had a brief fling a year ago after honestly telling his wife he had met someone, not done anything (true or not) and she had started divorce proceedings so they were seperating!

Your friend has no idea or reason to think they are still in contact?

She should be advised not to do this again as the woman would have every right to go to the police and the wife would end up in trouble.

She needs to get some help for herself as she is clearly a long way from being over this.

It seems to me that your bf's triumphant mood may be shortlived as all she's achieved is to give the ow cause to approach the dh to tell him of the threatening voicemail message - which may cause them to meet for lunch or after work in order that she can play it to him which, in turn, could lead to a resumption of their affair.

Your bf's anger should more properly be directed toward her dh and she's best advised to explore her feelings in the counselling sessions they are attending.

I'd hope that the reason why it went straight to voicemail was because she has changed her number now and with any luck she will never hear the message. I agree with others in keep your dignity even at a time when it is so hard to do.

I'd be wondering though why the number was still in H's phone, if he had broken this off then surely he would have deleted the number.

I was just about to say the same Headress. How did your bf acquire the OW number? If it is still on her dh phone then I'd be asking why!

I can understand her anger at the ow. She is partly responsible for the pain she's been through. I did message the ow. I did it in a dignified way and actually felt better for it, I never threatened though which is where your bf has crossed the line.

Be supportive to her but be honest about your feelings of this recent contact.