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Original poster

Husband wants an abortion I don't please help

170 replies

Lemonbuzz · 24/01/2013 09:01

I never thought I would be posting on here.
I am 24. My dh is 34. We have 5 dc dd1 is nearly 8 dtwinson and dtwindaughyer are 5 dd3 is nearly 3 and dd4 is 19 months. I also had a mmc at 12 weeks in 2009

I have/had the merina coil. Found out last friday I am pregnant roughly 5 weeks.

Dh is adament he doesn't want another dc. We talked about having a another dc in the future but not at the moment.

We run our own taxi service which I answer the phones do the admin and he drives he works long and unsocial hours and doesn't get enough sleep as it is to be fair.

He wants me to have an abortion I've been to the doctors and made an appointment for bpas for Tuesday.

I really really really don't want to have an abortion.

He says he wont cope with another dc. He finds it hard to cope with the ones we have at the moment.

He says the final decision is mine. It doesn't feel like mine. I know he would be upset angry annoyed if I keep the baby.

But how can I have another baby knowing I forced him to be a dad again.

He says its unfair of me to force him to be a dad again when he doesn't want it.

How can I bring a baby up knowing dh didn't wanted it. I have no one else to talk to

Sorry its long I just don't know which way to turn.

OP posts:
TallyGrenshall · 24/01/2013 09:05

:( Just a hand to hold for now until someone comes along that will be better able to help you.

I have always thought that an abortion is a decision that only a woman can make, and if you feel he has pushed you into one, you may resent him for it for the rest of your life

TheSecretCervixDNCOP · 24/01/2013 09:06

Do not allow yourself to be coerced into an abortion, it's your body, your choice. He is saying it is your decision but still guilt tripping you? He is an arse.

DSM · 24/01/2013 09:08

You know your DH - will he come round to the idea of another baby in a few weeks/months?

You sound fairly sure that you don't want an abortion. You say you had the coil, did he know you had it removed? Was he aware you could get pregnant or was it a complete accident?

DSM · 24/01/2013 09:09

He is an arse? Really? For having an opinion, for not wanting to bring a sixth child into an already struggling family?

DSM · 24/01/2013 09:10

He's said it's her decision, but has made his feelings clear.

Lesbeadiva · 24/01/2013 09:10

It is your decision. He is an arse. How can you "force" him into being a father? Did he not partake on the making of this baby? Do you have anyone in real life you can talk too??

Original poster
Lemonbuzz · 24/01/2013 09:14

It was a complete accident. If I don't have an abortion I have to go back to doctors to get referred for a scan to see if its still there.

I'm fairly certain he wont come round to the idea. He said there isn't one tiny part of him that wants this baby.

I can see this tearing our family apart whatever happens. If I do have an abortion I know I will resent him and possible end up hating him. If I don't I can see him feeling the same about me.

OP posts:
DSM · 24/01/2013 09:14

Can't believe people are saying her DH is an arse.. The man is entitled to an opinion.

He has said he doesn't want another child now, and given the circumstances it's clear why. He's said it's her decision. She feels guilty - so is he 'forcing' her to get an abortion, or is she 'forcing' him to be a father? Either, both, neither. Whatever.

No one is being an arse. It's a horribly difficult situation but telling her her DH is an arse is unnecessary.

DSM · 24/01/2013 09:17

OP - you need to talk to him. Tell him all that you have said here, about your worries about tearing the family apart and how much you feel you can't have an abortion.

I would suggest though, that whilst you are likely to actually regret an abortion and hold that against him, breeding resent, he is unlikely to feel resent towards his own child when it comes. He will love it as he does his other five.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/01/2013 09:24

I also have some sympathy with your DH. Five children is already a bus-load and I can see why he's reacted badly. He can't make you have an abortion, however, and I think the best way to tackle this is to work out what his real objections are. Do you have room for six? Are your finances too stretched? Do you need more help at home? What is it exactly that he's worried about? Then see if you can put your heads together to manage the objections constructively rather than emotionally.

You also need to sort out some far more reliable contraception. Contraceptive pill, for example. Why didn't he get a vasectomy after the last child?

glastocat · 24/01/2013 09:26

This must be very tough for you both. Do not have an abortion if you don't want one, but your DH is also entitled to his opinion. Whatever you decide, please get your contraception sorted out, that a lot of babies for someone your age!

VoiceofUnreason · 24/01/2013 09:30

^This.

I don't think your DH is an arse. Both of you have perfectly understandable reasons for your positions on this. Yes, the decision is yours but he is perfectly entitled to have his opinion and under the circumstances I can see why he would react the way he has. I can't imagine how a 24-yr old copes with five young children (including two twins) to be honest and the finances alone must be a huge concern. I'd have snipped before now bearing in mind how super fertile you are!

Booyhoo · 24/01/2013 09:38

this is such a difficult situation. i am so sorry you are both having to go through this.

i agree with not having an abortion unless you are sure it's what you want. it IS your decision to make ultimately.

however i do believe there is more talking to be done as his feelings about becoming a father again are valid and he would be doing you and your family an injustice to hide them.

tell him what you have told us here. even show him this thread.

Original poster
Lemonbuzz · 24/01/2013 09:48

I know where he is coming from. I understand what he is saying. He also says its unfair on the dc we already have.

All other 5 dc were planned.

He didn't want to have the snip.

If we cut back on certain things we could afford another dc.

Our others don't go without.

I slept on the sofa last night as I couldn't face sleeping next to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemonbuzz · 24/01/2013 09:49

Sorry should say dd1 wasn't planned but was much wanted by us both

OP posts:
Butterycrumble · 24/01/2013 09:51

What a horrible situation. Not sure why there are comments about contraception - you had effective contraception and have been bloody unlucky to still get pregnant.

I wouldn't want a termination, am fully pro choice but just couldn't do it personally, had this rather tested recently and was amazed at the strength of my feeling. It is your body and your choice and whilst your dh may have very understandable worries which may need discussion he has been choosing to have sex and hasn t had the snip, he was involved in this. There is no small print to our use of contraception that reads if it fucks up we automatically get a termination.

He is being an arse if he tried to force you to give up rights over your own body, he is being disingenuous if he thinks this has nothing to do with him. If he didn't realise that no contraception is 100% it might be s shock but I think he probably knew this.

Talking, counselling might help him understand why it is your choice, and one your shared choices have have forced upon you. I hope you find a way through.

Butterycrumble · 24/01/2013 09:53

Oh there you go 'he didn't want to have the snip'.

Being an arse IMO. Haves you got friends you can talk to?

DoodlesNoodles · 24/01/2013 09:54

This is an awful situation and there is no right thing to do.

You need to sit down and work it out. It would be much better to do this sooner rather than later.

Sorry, I have no better advice but I hope you can resolve this one way or another.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 24/01/2013 09:55

I think it has to be your decision.

He gets to have an opinion and to make his own choices after talking with you.
Am thinking he could get a vasectomy for example ?

so maybe have this baby and decide it will be your last ?

Hopefully you can all find room to love just this one more ?
As another poster said maybe for him the love would come more once the baby was here ?

You have to do what's right for you whatever the outcome of that.

differentnameforthis · 24/01/2013 09:59

He isn't an arse, the reason he hasn't has the snip could be this

We talked about having a another dc in the future but not at the moment. Pretty difficult I would have thought if he has the snip.

Other than that, I agree with DSM.

OwlLady · 24/01/2013 10:00

I presume he didn't want to have the snip because they have talked about having more children in the future Confused

I don't even know what to suggest. It just sounds really difficult and I presume as you have already had a twin pregnancy you could have another?

shesariver · 24/01/2013 10:01

A bit confused regarding your mirena - you said you have/had it, does that mean you have had it removed? Confused

Its not particulary helpful I feel for posters to automatically call her DH an arse - he is only expressing his opinion, based on the fact they already have 5 children and hes working all hours to support the family he does have. Yes no-one can force OP to have an abortion but as she has stated he will end up resenting her no doubt if she has a child that he doesnt want. Its a bit of a mess, and OP I would encourage more communication between the 2 of you. Im on no-ones "side".

DSM · 24/01/2013 10:02

buttery she could have been sterilised instead of him? It is she being an arse too Hmm

Can we please stop all the man-bashing, it's doing the OP no favours to continually read that her DH is an arse. He actually sounds like a really decent guy, from the limited info. we have. He works hard to provide for his family. Long hours, doesn't sleep much. Cares about not spreading their resources too thin, hence the reluctance at continuing a pregnancy for a sixth - sixth - child.

What an arse Hmm

MariusEarlobe · 24/01/2013 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoratiaWinwood · 24/01/2013 10:06

I was on the fence until "he didn't want to get the snip". Men who really don't want any more children get the snip. DH is already thinking about his future snip, and we are still ttc our final child.

On the other hand, a friend is pg with a baby her H doesn't want. His tactics to get her to abort are intensifying, and it is quite horrible, particularly bearing in mind she is now about 16w.

I don't like the "it is your decision, but I definitely think you should get rid of it" because I feel this would be brought up every single time OP has a problem - "morning sickness? Well it was your idea to keep it" "tired? Well it was your idea to keep it" etc etc.

Can you sit down and work out precisely what financial difference another child would make, in terms of impact on the rest of the family? If for example it would prevent your getting a WOH job that you had been planning for 2014, or if you'd need to move/extend your house, or replace the bus car.

From my perspective (two DCs, same sex), the difference between five and six children seems absolutely negligible: you will know better.

Book him an appointment for the vasectomy. Contraception is everybody's responsibility, and you've been doing your part.