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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband wants an abortion I don't please help

170 replies

Lemonbuzz · 24/01/2013 09:01

I never thought I would be posting on here.
I am 24. My dh is 34. We have 5 dc dd1 is nearly 8 dtwinson and dtwindaughyer are 5 dd3 is nearly 3 and dd4 is 19 months. I also had a mmc at 12 weeks in 2009

I have/had the merina coil. Found out last friday I am pregnant roughly 5 weeks.

Dh is adament he doesn't want another dc. We talked about having a another dc in the future but not at the moment.

We run our own taxi service which I answer the phones do the admin and he drives he works long and unsocial hours and doesn't get enough sleep as it is to be fair.

He wants me to have an abortion I've been to the doctors and made an appointment for bpas for Tuesday.

I really really really don't want to have an abortion.

He says he wont cope with another dc. He finds it hard to cope with the ones we have at the moment.

He says the final decision is mine. It doesn't feel like mine. I know he would be upset angry annoyed if I keep the baby.

But how can I have another baby knowing I forced him to be a dad again.

He says its unfair of me to force him to be a dad again when he doesn't want it.

How can I bring a baby up knowing dh didn't wanted it. I have no one else to talk to

Sorry its long I just don't know which way to turn.

OP posts:

Report

5madthings · 25/01/2013 23:22

Well said boo

rhondajean · 25/01/2013 23:24

I grew up with a family who had 6 children, all much loved and very well looked after although the house was always a guddle, but so is mines and I only have two.

All grew up well balanced lovely people, and the oldest daughter went on to have six sons herself. Which shows she didn't feel being one of six had been a bad thing surely.

I realise this is only one example, but to say no one can raise six children well...as I said, it's not fashionable to have larger families at the moment, but to say it can't be done properly is utter poppycock.

rhondajean · 25/01/2013 23:25

Sorry grew up friends with a family who had six children.

shesariver · 25/01/2013 23:31

Another thing Lemonbuzz... when do you ever get to be you? You've been a mother since you were a child. .... Why make life harder for yourself

I tend to agree with this, of course the "its your body, your choice" line will be rolled out (and it has been)..I just get a feeling about this, thats all....its great that you are a committed family for the sake of you both and your kids OP, I just don't know.

Touchmybum · 26/01/2013 00:10

Times have changed though - it used to be that people had big families, they had little choice - the kids all kinda reared each other and as no-one had anything much, they more or less didn't know any different.

Of course people do rear big families but it's best if both parents are committed to that.

I can't stop thinking about my eldest who is around the age you must have been when you first got pregnant Lemonbuzz... and while she is a very sensible, organised child, she is just that, a child. You've been having baby after baby since you were a child, and now your dh isn't on board with you to have another one...

You do have to ask yourself, are you going to put having this baby ahead of your relationship with your dh, and his relationship with the kids you have already, as their father?

God it's hard isn't it! I can't stop thinking about you.

Lueji · 26/01/2013 00:57

From a personal point of view, as I grew up, I didn't need that much parental attention. I did love being with my siblings and it's still great.

A second child, even a third, will cause more disruption to the existing children than a 6th in a family with 5.
A 2nd child will take half of the available resources (not strictly, but for argument sake) when the 1st is used to having it all, whilst a 6th will only take 1/6, when the others are already used to having only 1/5. The others are already used to sharing.
The eldest is 8, which can already be a big help to tap on.

browneyedpixie · 26/01/2013 07:24

Thank you touchmybum, I've removed the post as feel i could be outed.
I agree with everything you are saying.

BourbonsandTea · 27/01/2013 10:45

I'm really disappointed in some replies on this thread. No-one here should be suggesting that the OP have an abortion 'for the sake of her or her family' or any other reason. The thread title says she does not want an abortion. She needs advice on how to help her husband come to terms with this unexpected pregnancy. That is all. Those who think this is a thread for a light-hearted discussion about the negatives of having a larger family or starting a family young or age gaps in couples are in the wrong place.
You are sending the wrong message saying that the OP is choosing a new baby over her husband/ family. She is not. She did not choose to have a baby right now. The thread title is not "I want a 6th baby, my husband doesn't. What should I do?". This pregnancy already exsists through no fault of either parent. The OP is not choosing to make another baby she is (possibly) choosing not to have an abortion. Different things entirely.
I've seen a situation just like this up close. The father said he couldn't cope with another baby and that if she did continue with the pregnancy he would leave. They had the baby. He didn't leave- because he is a good man who loves his wife an family. The father loves the new addition like all his others and can't imagine life without her.
I know that OP's situation may turn out differently but I just wanted you to hear a happy anecdote.
By the 6th child you may already have everything you need. Apart from nappies babies don't cost all that much if you're sensible.
People were wrong to call you OH an arse. He is human and is entitled to feel worried and anxious and it's right that he should express his true feelings but he shouldn't force or coerce you into having an abortion. As soon as you decide to continue with the pregnancy, or not if the case may be, then he needs to support you as if he had an equal say in creating the child (which, of course, he did).

ll31 · 27/01/2013 10:59

I think op you need to have conv with dh re whayt will actually happen if u have abprtion or have baby. .. prob u both need tp do this At counselling. Fwiw, I can see ur dh point of view.
Re prev poster-why r u trying to control what people say-bizarre

BourbonsandTea · 27/01/2013 11:42

I'm suggesting people stick to the issue at hand. The fact that some posters don't agree with bigger families is clouding they're ability to give the OP helpful advice. I agree that the OP and her DH could benefit from unbiased help that they could get from counselling.

Branleuse · 27/01/2013 11:49

id go for a termination in your case tbh.

shine0ncrazydiamond · 27/01/2013 11:55

Well, obviously the OP should do what she feels is best for her and her family. I don't think her husband is an arse either. Six children at any age, let alone 24, is a lot. I also think that babyborn makes some good points - albeit clumsily.

specialsubject · 27/01/2013 12:04

I am pro-choice - and the choice comes down to the person who is pregnant, AFTER assessing all the issues.

I also believe that every child should be wanted by both parents.

You cannot and should not have an abortion if you are against it for yourself. The only thing I can think of if there is a pregnancy is to put the child up for fostering or adoption - but that is yet another can of worms.

please, whatever happens, one of you get sterilised.

ll31 · 27/01/2013 12:12

But bourbonsandtea, love ur name, who made you judge of other peoples advce? Surely u post in a forum to get lots of advice, opinions not just one persons approved list?

WakeyCakey · 27/01/2013 13:08

ll31 Fostering or abortion would be totally impractical in OP's situation. Her children would see her pregnant and see her come home with no baby, that would damage the current children more then losing a bit of attention!!

BourbonsandTea · 27/01/2013 14:12

Yeh it's not my place to tell people what they can and can't say on a public forum but it's a shame some people aren't more sympathetic towards the OP and her current situation. I think the best advice here has been to talk to her husband and maybe look into emergency counselling. Only they really know what they are capable of as a family.

zzzzz · 27/01/2013 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Touchmybum · 27/01/2013 16:55

It does my head in when people say, "babies don't cost that much"!! They aren't babies forever! Children are a huge expense!

Touchmybum · 27/01/2013 16:56

And it is different zzzzzz because there are five other smallies to consider.

trustissues75 · 27/01/2013 17:00

He didn't want to have the snip?! So, basically it's ok for you to have to go through an abortion if contraception fails and live with it just so he can avoid a couple of days with peas on his balls. I did have sympathy for you both up until I read that...he didn't want the snip? Fine, he shouldn't have been having sex with you then.

thegreylady · 27/01/2013 18:02

Lots of conflicting advice here.You are very young and at the height of your fertility. When your first child is 18 you will only be 34-the age at which many are sarting their families-even this new baby would be approaching secondary school so you and your dh could have many many years of baby free life together.
I dont think you really want an abortion therefore you shouldn't have one. You need to talk to him again and perhaps suggest that now is time for him to have a vasectomy so there wont be any more surprises.
This baby was an accident.You thought you had taken adequate precautions but they failed now you need to ensure there is no chance of another failure and he needs to use condoms from now on.

trustissues75 · 27/01/2013 18:20

Sorry OP, I replied with a knee-jerk reaction when I re-read my post (but I'm still mad that he wasn't willing to take any responsibility for things) Anyway...only you know yourself and your family. If you don't want an abortion you don't want one and he'll either stay or leave. Perhaps he's in shock right now? TBH my OH was a bit of an arse but he came around (he had a bit of a short sharp shock that brought him to his senses). I'm really sorry you are going through this - it is a very hard situation with no easy solution.

This will probably seem like just a crappy platitude, but so far in life I've found it ends up turning out to be true - no matter how dire a situation seems at the time you will get through it and you will be happy again.

alicetrefusis · 27/01/2013 18:40

There is also the world-overpopulation argument. Half the baby girls born this year in the developed West will live to be a hundred. Just imagine the strain of that on the planet.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 27/01/2013 20:09

That's a particularly shit reason to have an abortion alice

expatinscotland · 27/01/2013 20:18

'Another thing Lemonbuzz... when do you ever get to be you? You've been a mother since you were a child. .... Why make life harder for yourself'

How patronising! This person is 24 and an adult who does not want a termination. 'Husband wants an abortion,' well, guess what? He can't have one! If he were that adamant he should have used a condom every time on top of her having the Mirena.

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