Hi. New. This is me....
I have some unhealthy habits. I genuinely don't think I am an alcoholic, but I do think I have a denial about how unhealthy my habits (not just drink, I have similar stuff going on with food and to some extent spending) have been and as a result I am now in a medical place where I don't have any choice but to change, which scares me.
For the last 20 years I have drunk more than I should on an almost daily basis (apart from pregnancies). Not a lot more than I should, but enough to have caused some damage. My drinking doesn't lead to family arguments, I don't binge, I don't pass out, I don't forget what I have done, I don't feel fuzzy, I don't have hangovers, I don't upset people. My drinking levels have caused no problems, ever, other than to my health and weight and if it were not for these factors I probably would not be trying to change. I am habitual. I love my routine. I don't drink before 7pm when my kids have gone to bed and during the day I don't think about drink at all, but by 6pm I am 'looking forward' to it. I use it as a reward and a treat, and substitues don't seem to work, as I 'like' my wine treat much more than anything else (even food, although that?s a close second). My husband reads the bedtimes stories and does the tucking in, while I come down and start supper and pour a large glass. All of the other stereotypical Mums I know do exactly the same, but the difference is that they seem to be able to make that glass last through the evening. I get to the last cm within 20 minutes whilst DH is still upstairs and then think 'it's going to look really crap that I've drunk all that already' so I top the glass back up and thats 2/3 of a bottle poured. Sometimes I stop at that (so I'm guessing that?s probably 6 units a day). Other times, where excuses are relevant (stress, anxiety about something, reward, celebrating anything whatsoever) then I'll finish the bottle. So that would be what, 9 units roughly?
Before this "wine o'clock" habit, before I was married and had kids, I still drank the same it was only the circumstances that were different. In my 20's I would go to the pub after work almost daily with the male orientated group I worked with. They would all have 2 pints of beer, I'd have 2 large glasses of wine (so again, probably 2/3 of a bottle). If by some rare occurrence I didn't go, I would drink the same at home. I'm pretty similar with food, my self control is pitiful. I can't just have a bowl of cornflakes for breakfast, I want a nice indulgent crumpet, with a good 3mm of lurpack on the top. And not one - I can demolish 3 or 4. I don't just want a sandwich for lunch, I want a sandwich, crisps, something indulgent (there is that word again) like a nice unheathly whopper of a cake. Treating myself to naughty stuff is fantastic; I love it, but I can't just do it as a treat I want and tend to indugle pretty much every day. Denying myself makes me bad tempered and miserable (sounds so churlish saying that). My weight has increased steadily and slowly for the same 20 years. Back then I was a size 10. Now I am an 18/20 and my BMI (given the fact that I am short!) is scary.
One thing I think about quite a lot (and find a bit odd) is that it's never increased at all. I will without fail never go a drop over a bottle. It used to be that a bottle of wine 20 years ago would have me merry and happy, now it hardly touches the sides and I feel pretty much the same at the end of the bottle than the start which is another reason to stop. If it 'does nothing' then whats the point anyway? I don't know, like I say, habit I feel, rather than addiction.
Okay, so I'm not quite on the park bench with my vodka in a paper bag, but over 20 years it's taken it's toll. I've been having some nasty symptoms lately, and put on the spot last week by the Dr I ended up having some blood tests that will show my liver function (anxiety levels are through the roof over this). I've had, for months, a dull nagging pain under my ribs. It could be gallbladder, but more likely (given my drinking and my apalling eating habits) it's an enlarged fatty liver. I can't escape it now, the tests are done, and when I go back for the results I'm going to have to be honest. My DH and DM don't think I have a problem. My DH says 'but you only have a couple of glasses of wine, not a litre of whisky, that?s not going to have harmed you' and my DM says much the same.
I don't want to stop drinking altogether. I've had two children in four years, so therefore in the past four years I've had probably 20 months of not drinking (which really makes me wonder if my extreme anxiety about this liver damage could be uneraslitic, but anyway, feel free to reassure me about this!!). I felt in control and not concerned about it when I wasn't drinking, I don't feel concerned that it's 'increasing' or 'getting out of control' but I feel it's more about breaking habits. If I can get into a new habit of making it normal NOT to drink during the week, I certainly think I might be healthier food wise during the week too to back up the 'good work'. I don't feel in anyway that this would be impossible, but certainly a challenge, and I really don't want to fail.
I have a motivation, I'm going to a wedding in August, my Dad will be there. He lives on the other side of the world and we only get to see each other once a year, maybe less. I'd love to be in a position where I can choose something lovely to wear (not a huge tent) and enjoy a glass of bubbly without guilt.
I think my biggest fear right now would be that when the tests are back I'm going to get told I have to stop altogether. I don't WANT to stop, I like it. I want to be able to stop this use of alcohol as a reward though.
Is there anyone else here who has been in a similar position, or can understand what I mean? I'd be very grateful to get some support (and hopefully give some, too). No one else knows how much I am dreading these test results 