The Great Escape

[GoodtoBetter]

I thought I would start a new thread, for anyone who might be interested in listening to my waffling on about my struggles with a difficult, overbearing mother. Thank you to whoever it was who suggested the thread title! I've changed my name for something a bit more positive.
previous thread here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1565077-My-mother-hates-my-husband-long

It`s lovely to hear you describe your new life Good. With luck - a lot of it! - your mum is slowly starting to accept that her life is pretty great too. Whilst you were all there, she had no reason to do much for herself, or even to get out of the house. She is so lucky, and maybe now she will start to realise it.

Im in Spain myself very soon - Cadiz - and looking at the temperatures, I cant wait!

Just think; you could have spent today having passive aggressive marmalade made at you instead I have been chortling about that all afternoon kali .
I look back and can't believe the shit I put up with for so long or how well it's all gone and how quickly things have calmed down. It was possibly the most stressful time of my life but it has been the best thing I ever did. I feel more confident, calmer and just...happier. It's so nice not to carry someone else's burden and issues all the time. It's so nice not to worry about her all the time - her reactions, moods, health etc.
I think it's been good for her too. I'm sure she'd much rather we lived there, but she does things now she didn't before because otherwise she doesn't see us. I used to ask her to come out for coffee/to the park etc and she'd say she couldn't manage it, she was ill or in too much pain. Today she wore a TENS machine and walked more stiffly, but didn't complain at all. She seemed to really like the park and sitting in the sun watching the DCs, she'd never have done that before. I didn't notice any fighting back of tears at drop off time either. Maybe she's working out that I meant what I said, I'm not abandoning her, she'll see me a couple of times a week and the gcs at least once a week and there's a nice life to be had here, albeit a different one to before. One can but hope.
DB will be here for a week at the end of March, so that'll be some company too. It's DS' 5th birthday when he's here so we'll all go out for lunch and probably a picnic. I think my plan of building a new relationship through making a habit of good, happy healthy time out together is working. It's a bit like toddler training, I need to be kind and firm and she comes round mostly and sees it's not worth her while not engaging on my terms.
Today I am proud of myself.

Oooh Autumn I'm not far from Cadiz....hope that doesn't out me to anyone. Are you going to see any of Carnaval? DD had to go in costume to nursery on Friday, so we recycled the Halloween pumpkin outfit. So did most parents, lots of witches, ghouls etc...the crisis meant people don't want to spend much.
Weather is glorious, up to mid 20s during the day, but cold cold cold at night.

for you and am raising a glass to your family settling into your new home.

Roll on March and DB's visit, by which time let's hope your M has got used to your new living arrangements. So glad you are feeling calmer and happier!

Send your bro an email so he knows how well it's going.

Ah, your post is like a breath of fresh air I've lurked in your threads (I know that always seems weird) but couldn't contribute as my DM is lovely and it's hard to imagine for me but i could empathise.

Now will you please sort that picture out?? If I went to the park today in east London I'd've been shivering under a slate grey sky and whipped by freezing sleet. I have a throwaway email address you could send it to, from your throwaway email address aand I could post it on a blog I keep for nothing but posting random pictures?

OK, photo should be visible now. Not brilliant as sunsets/rises never quite work, do they? Always darker than you think.

Crap, can't check it in my phone. Be back tomorrow

I'm so have, if jealous of this new life you have Good. Sounds like everything is coming together for you and your little family.

Long may it continue.

Sorry

I am so happy for you.

Picture of the sunset is very pretty. It is so great at how quickly you are able to reset your mother daughter relationship. You sound so relaxed compared to just one week ago! Cheers!

That pic is wonderful

How is DH?

I've put an east London sunrise on mine, if you miss that kind of thing

Envy envy envy. Lovely pic.

That's a lovely pic :) If you have a sunrise/set setting on your camera that can help with those shots (don't ask me how!)?

Nah, can't find a sunrise or sunset setting on the phone. Just finishing some more reports off, hence being on the laptop late. Got tomorrow morning free to translate, woop de do! Then work 4-10. God, I'll be glad to get this translation done, atm I work from about 10am til 130, break for lunch, set off for teaching at 3 and teach til 10 tehn home and work til around 1am.
Not heard from or contacted Dm since nice Sat morning in the park. i do think it's odd she doesn't get touch. I would if I were her....a text here and there.

I know it'll be worth it when the job is done but this is way too much for you to have on your plate, GoodtoBetter.

Remember not to try and ascribe normal behaviour to your mum. What you would do (or any reasonable person) is not how she will react. The point is still how you are feeling - and your update from Sunday says it all.

Hi Good you sound busy but composed. Your DM knows if she wairs long enough you'll always make the first move. Tues eve or Wed morning would be early enough for one of you to drop the other a text. Perhaps she recalled you are up to your eyes in language work so didn't want to interrupt you.

Waits not wairs!

I guess a routine of texting in Weds to arrange a visit to the park/shops on Sun might work? Looks like you're going to have to suck up making the first move but a routine seems regular and 'fair'.

'busy but composed' is a great phrase

"busy but composed", I'm OK but in the mornings I do feel a bit like I might die from tiredness. Once I've had a shower and got dressed I feel a bit better, but I think I possibly have bitten off a bit more than I can chew this month. I may need a week's extension on the book, which I don't want to ask for unless I have to, but there are limits.
I hadn't thought that she doesn't call because she thinks I'm busy, but I'm not sure it's that. Anyway...no head space for that today. I'll text her tomorrow about taking her to get the pictures framed on Saturday.
Going to try and get some work done this morning, will check back in a little bit (find it best to work in short bursts of an hour or so and then stop for 5 mins). DS slept til 8.20 yesterday (he's always the first up) and 7.50 today, so that was something.

It might not be the reason she doesn't call, but if you can channel your thoughts into thinking,

Mum's not been in contact, well that's actually pretty thoughtful of her, given how I'm so busy, rather than,
Oh dear, Mum's not in touch, I'd have texted or rung if I were her, how strange, {sub-text: wonder is everything all right, is she mad at me? Should I make the first move?} etc.

It gives you head space for all the other stuff.

Good, imagine how you'd be with all this fantastic work if you were still living with your DM and all the head-fuckery that situation gave. If you've got no head space now, it would have been unbearable then.

Hopw you have a productive day I should be but am procrastinating on MN

:)

TBH, good, most mums wouldn't be phoning more than once a week. Take the positive view that Donkeys suggests. She knows I'm busy, everything is fine or I'd have heard, she's taking a step back.

If you feel positive then you get more work done!