was what I said really so awful?

[StillStuck]

back story - DH used to go away a lot with work, used to be for a whole week every other week and then his job changed and it was one week a month, and then it changed again over the summer and he stopped going away at all.

I posted about this a while ago (under another, different name change) as I was really struggling with my negative feelings about him being around all the time. I was happy with the balance of him being away one week in four, I enjoyed my time just me and DS and didn't really miss DH to be honest.

When DH told me about how his job would changing I really struggled with the negative emotions I felt about him being around all the time. I had a feeling of being 'trapped' if that makes sense, I missed knowing there would weeks booked in when he would be going away.

It hasn't helped over the past 6 months since his job changed that DH has barely been out or done anything. Two nights out with friends and one day trip, that's it. The rest of the time he is always around. I work three days a week and on my days off with DS DH will almost invariably come home at lunch time as well and be home by 4. We live in a tiny tiny house so there is no where for me to go to get some space, I can't call a friend without him commenting on what i'm talking about (and i have to talk over the noise of him watching tv). I have taken to going for a run/ swim every night and then having a long soak in the bath, just to carve out some space for myself.

I have eventually summoned up the courage and tried to talk to DH about this, about how I miss the balance our life used to have. I tried to explain that I was happy when he was away and then also enjoyed it when he was around. But he has taken it really badly and won't accept that I do still want to be with him I just want us to have some balance again. I am also a bit cross that he is upset with me for admitting to liking the weeks when he was away as much as I liked the weeks when he was around. I think he thinks I should have been sat around weeping and counting down the minutes until he came back. (meanwhile these trips away for him were basically to do something most people would pay to go on holiday and do, and the evenings involve going out drinking and partying).

I do think I still want to be with DH. He can be negative to me at times and I have struggled with that and I think that is why I like having a break from him sometimes too but fundamentally things are ok I think. I just want to get a balance back, I don't think its healthy to have so little time apart, and I miss having time just me and DS. Over the winter it feels like I've only really had a few hours a week, and I feel like I haven't really been a 'mother' especially as DH has a bit of tendency to need to prove he 'knows better' than me when it comes to parenting. The gaps when he was away gave me a chance to feel confident in what I was doing as a parent I guess.

StillStruck, am sorry to read all of this. I can't think what to add, but can hold a hand and offer a and an understanding ear if that helps.

Have just thought of something to add... A person doesn't have to be wicked or evil to make a relationship unbearable. You DH can very easily be a nice person in some ways, and fanciable, and useful around the house, and hard working, and have lots of great qualities YET at the same time be a bloody nightmare to live with. Whether there's anything you can do about it, remains to be seen, as he would have to change.

There is too much here to land on him all at once, though. Counselling might be useful, even if you go alone, so you find ways to discuss things with him do things differently and take control of your own life, and not feel guilty. It would be a step in the right direction.

Going to go for a swim and then start to try and discuss things with dh, starting with the whole thing about last night. I do wonder whether I have to take some responsibility for not standing up to him enough, but the way he is at times like that it just feels like too hard to do anything but cave in and I just lost confidence that my opinion (not good on a work night) was valid and accepted he was right to tell me I was being selfish

Counselling will help you explore the options, the possibilities. It will also give you a bit more strength and self-belief, if only to tell him to wind his neck in if he mocks you being silly with ds!

sooo, I have tried to have a talk. It wasn't massively productive but I guess it is good to be talking.

I hope you don't mind if I write it down here, partly in the hope that the act of writing helps me process my thoughts, partly in the hope that I may get more insightful and thought provoking comments.

I started off saying that I was feeling upset about last night, about how I ended up letting him convince me I was being 'selfish' in refusing to stay over on a weeknight, about how I wanted us to explore how it happened. I said I didn't understand how he felt I was being selfish, and asked if it had made him think when we got there and DS clearly wasn't happy (just very shy and tired )and whether it made him think at all this morning when DS was all confused about what was happening. He didn't really say anything other than that I 'didn't have to come'. no, true, but he had made me feel so bloody mean for saying no. I did concede it was partly my fault for not trusting my instincts. I then suggested counselling as I thought it was a recurring problem in our relationship.

He denied this, so I reminded him about the broken leg incident and he didn't say anything. I think he knew that time, afterwards at least, that he had been in the wrong.

he still challenged that this was an ongoing problem in our relationship, and denied that I feel he is overly critical / dictatorial and doesn't really respect what I say.

I gave another example which is that when DS was very ill for a couple of months as a baby (305 months) he was really unsupportive, I literally couldn't put DS down and DS barely slept, day or night (longest stretch during that time was 45 mins one night), and needed a large amount of treatment (maximum I could be out of the house was about half an hour, squeezzed between various medication regimes and breastfeeding) and yet DH would come home and moan about the state of the house at me. DH denied having been like this. I told him that the consultant at the hospital had realised what a bad way I was in from lack of sleep and constant care and had sat with me for ages giving me support and encouragement and kind words which I will always remember. DH just silent.

I also said about the overly critical thing, reminded him how it had led to me stopping cooking. I said how he does the same thing with me in relation to how i am as a mother, but obviously I can't stop that so instead I guess I look to have a break. He slightly conceded he does that, in that he said ' i guess maybe I'm too used to being in 'teacher mode' sometimes'

He hasn't really said anything, hasn't responded to my suggestions of counselling in anyway. He just said maybe we needed some time to think, that we can think about it when we are on holiday (next week) and then discuss when we get back. basically I think he wants us to put our heads in the sand now so he can enjoy the weeks holiday (we are going with other people).

He's gone to bed now. not said much at all although at least there have been a couple of concessions. He nearly stormed out of the house but then I think he remembered about the holiday and decided to keep his head down till after that so he doesn't miss out on it.

one thought that has occurred to me, I don't know if this makes sense, is that maybe his way of being with me is because I am much more (academically) successsful than him (e.g. I have a first class degree, string of post grad qualifications and a professional career; his skills (albeit he's talented at what he does) are solely practical). I wonder whether in some way he treats me like this to (subconsciously) redress the balance almost? and that some of the reason for his violent tempers is because there is a huge gap in how we articulate things? (am grasping for words here, I don't want to come across as big headed either as I am not the kind of person to ever mention my qualifications, but I am wondering if this is relevant)

that said, I do also know he has always been prone to strong tempers, his dad even mentioned it to me at our first meeting. I think I hoped they were referring to his teenage years at the time, but now I wish I had run a mile at those words!

oh! how did it get to be midnight?! I guess we didn't get a chance to sit down to talk until 10, and then there were long periods of silence, but still!

His own dad tried to warn you about him ? How telling.

My insight ?

He will be a bit better around your holiday. Then after that, you will think things are fine again, not too bad, he is trying a little blah blah. A couple of weeks later, back to square one.

And so the circle turns.

yeah, I know AF. why didn't I run for the hills!

He has never been physically violent I hasn't to add. just can be very hot headed I guess. and I didn't really see much of that side of him until after DS was born.

and yes, I think you are spot on about how he will be for the duration of the holiday etc. I .am contemplating confiding in a close mutual friend who is there to get some real life advice but worried if DH gets an inkling I have done this it will wind him up.

Who mentioned physical violence ?

Don't fall into the trap of saying "at least he doesn't break my nose"

You are living on eggshells, love. In fear of his reaction. You can't even talk to a close friend about your disquiet in case it "winds him up".

Emotional abuse and controlling behaviour is still abuse even you don't have visib;e cuts and bruises.

I think you have given him food for though, and hopefully it will make him think twice when he's about to criticize you.

*thought!

This is a good first step for you. Because having aired all this with him, you can see if there is any 'significant' difference. It also gives you the ability to say 'you're doing it again, please stop being critical'. However given the state of your relationship, I fear that if you're completely honest, you will be saying that a LOT.

'Teacher mode'? He's not in teacher mode, he's in 'I'm more important than you, I'm always right' mode, not teacher mode. Teacher's are well meaning, careful with their words, encouraging, supporting, etc. Your DH is pushing you down into a pit of self doubt.

Just remember how great a mum you are, and how YOU were there for your DS when he was so ill. Your DH wasn't, so please be honest with yourself about him - he's not a 'great' dad. If he were a great dad he would have wanted to hold and care for his DS too.

Right now my DH is taking my DSs to school and nursery. Why? I've got the time, I'm not busy this morning. But he misses them, and he wants to take them to school and nursery occasionally, be a part of their day. My DSs love it when their DF takes them to school/nursery and picks them up. That's what a 'great dad' does.

DIY that's the thing though, Dh does nursery drop off every time, has ds one day a week when I am at work, and cooks every night. He does do his bit around the house too I can't fault him on that front, its just the criticism etc that I am struggling with.

Sorry, I forgot that bit.

Is he critical of you in front of your DS though? How will you feel if your DS starts criticising you in the same way? How will your DH feel if your DS starts treating you in the same way?

It's good to read that you're finding your voice and challenging him on his behaviour.

Don't know whether your academic success has made him jealous but he certainly likes to belittle you to keep you feeling unsure of yourself; re the baking and playing games with your ds.

You sound like a great Mum, don't think otherwise.

Hope the holiday goes well

You've done brilliantly in addressing this with him, and it sounds as if you were calm and restrained.

He couldn't dispute your points and fell silent. I agree with Any Fucker, he'll play nice for a while and then the criticisms will creep back in.

He may also use his time coming up with his 'defence' - further criticisms of you.

I think what you said about him feeling threatened by your accomplishments rings true. You should never have to contend with that. Your partner should be your biggest fan, your cheerleader, bursting with pride about how amazing you are.

Feels like you're heading in the right direction, making more realisations all the time, owning the fact that you have the right to be treated with respect.

I have to be honest, I doubt he'll be able to change and grow enough to make it healthy for you to stay with him. But discussing things with him at such a mature level really opens up possibilities so well done. There's only so much you can do or say, though, until enough's enough.

'Violent tempers'? What sort of thing are we talking about here; punching the doors, throwing stuff type of thing? Or is it all screaming and yelling?

What starts him off?

Hi there

I've not read all of the posts here, just into the second page...by that point I was feeling concernced...and then I read this that you posted...

In relation to your second paragraph yes I wonder that, I wonder if something is up with him. I wonder if its to do with the changes at his work that means he feels frustrated too and feels the need to prove himself by being the 'best' parent in relation to DS. (fwiw I am not at all competitive myself, but his attempts at competition e.g. lying about who has seen something happen first, make me sad). the worst incident of him 'needing' to be right being when ds had hurt himself in an awkward fall at nursery, I took him straight to GP as I was sure something wasn't right with his leg, gp said give him paracetamol and if not right within an hour go straight to a&e, (DH was at the appointment too). when the hour was up DS was still clearly not right, I said right lets go (I had backed back), cue a massive argument DH accusing both me and the GP of being wrong/ overrreacting. I didn't have my car at the time so was dependent on DH driving us there and in the end the only way I could persuade him to drive us to A&e was to say that otherwise I was calling a taxi. poor DS had to listen to all of this while in pain. got to a&e, traige nurse said he would need to see paed consultant and there was a bit of a wait, lots more arguing from DH about whether we really needed to wait to be seen. In the end I had a quiet word with the triage nurse who said very clearly that we needed to stay and that to tell DH to 'man up'. he quietened down at this and sort of apologised when we were heading home (DS in plaster sad) but I am still really quite upset months later that my poor boy had to listen to all of this while clutching his little broken leg sad

Honestly, I'm feeling very very uncomforateble about this man (he reminds me of my abusive, controlling under-the-radar narcissist ex)

I think subconsciously you may be feeling that level of discomfort too and your instincts are telling you to try to have as much space as is possible? I'm no psychologist..but I have been in a horribly EA relationship that too me YEARS to consciously realise was beyond wrong.

I dont' want to muddy the waters...but stepping back (which I appreciate can be hrd to do)...do you think this is what is going on?

I gave another example which is that when DS was very ill for a couple of months as a baby (305 months) he was really unsupportive, I literally couldn't put DS down and DS barely slept, day or night (longest stretch during that time was 45 mins one night), and needed a large amount of treatment (maximum I could be out of the house was about half an hour, squeezzed between various medication regimes and breastfeeding) and yet DH would come home and moan about the state of the house at me. DH denied having been like this. I told him that the consultant at the hospital had realised what a bad way I was in from lack of sleep and constant care and had sat with me for ages giving me support and encouragement and kind words which I will always remember. DH just silent

I feel physically sick reading this...I'm just reminded of the time I tried to get myself admitted to the psych ward in the states just so I could get some respite...and how chilling and cold DH was even though the Drs could see the state I was in and tried to tell DH that his life had changed very little but that I was obviously not coping...I don't think he heard a word they said...your DH is reminding me of him. Please don't doubt your instincts that so clerly come through in these posts as screaming at you that things aren't right. Don't allow youself to feel that it's just you - you're too demanding, your too nagging, you're too selfish, you're too sensitive, you're too depressed/emotional/unmedicated/paranoid/neurotic.....etc

You get the picture don't you?

Look after you....you're a very important person in DS life.

To be honest, I probably should have left him for how he behaved when ds broke his leg, I nearly did, but I guess most of my energy was going into thinking about ds and the practicalities of a toddler with a broken leg and not about me/my relationship.
But it is hard because a lot of the time things can be ok and he is by and large great with ds. There was one alarming incident though, but I gave him a massive telling off at the time: we were at the park, I was really proud ds had learnt to climb the rope ladder and was getting him to show dh. Dh I think felt left out so he tried to persuade ds to go through the tunnel, ds refuses as he has always done, so dh stuck his favourite toy in the tunnel and said if he didn't go and get it we would go home without it!! Ds was not even two!! I was very sharp with dh and he did get the toy, but it was awful behaviour

His tempers he never hits anything just very cross, a bit shouty and stuff then storms off and sulks. But its impossible to reason with him when he is like that. I guess it only happens if he wants to do something and I don't or similar.

He really doesn't sound like a great dad StillStuck

Poor little DS.

"His insistence on staying over at a friends's house during the week when work /nursery followed the next day is odd and to ignore your reasoning and call you selfish is nasty."

It just occurred to me that selfish people tend to call other people selfish to get their own way.

I am not surprised that you dont like having him around. He sounds like a very nasty man. I am not sure if matters whether you understand why he behaves the way he does, this in itself wont change who he is, although useful to you.

What do you plan to do?

The way things are with you now, I would be very hesitant to buy a house with him. Be glad you rent, it will make a potential split a lot easier.

Hi StillStuck, I really feel for you, and I'd like to give you a slightly different persepctive, if I may.

The way you've described your relationship sounds remarkably like my parents' marriage. Everything from my father's denigration of my mother's academic success, to mocking her during silly fun times, always being right and forcing his wants on the rest of us, and particularly poisoning the atmosphere with his negativity and sulking.

My mum used to take my sister and I away on holidays, just the three of us, and it was only when I was older that I realised she did this to get some time away from him, so she could just be herself, and we could too.

Growing up walking on eggshells like that and watching my mother being dragged so far down has had a horrible effect on my sister and I. Both us are terribly screwed up.

My mother finally left my father (for another man) when I was sixteen. It was a hard time, a very difficult thing to go through especially as a child, but I can absolutely promise you that seeing my mum absolutely blossom in her freedom was incredible. She acheived great things, had incredible confidence, and was a much more positive role model for her daughters, when she was beyond my father's influence.

I'm not by any means trying to make you feel guilty or claim your son will suffer terribly, if things don't change. I'm not trying to be dramatic or to convince you to leave the bastard if that's not what you want. You will know in your gut if leaving your marriage is the right thing to do or not. All I want to tell you is that your son will not be irrevocably damaged if his parents are not together; he will be affected far, far worse if his mother's confidence is eroded right in front of him.

I wish you the very best.

I was going to ask earlier if there's a big age gap between you and H or had there been a large financial disparity when you met. So the academic thing comes as no surprise.

It is like he is trying to take you down a peg or two, or quashing any perceived superior edge you have.

Good luck with the holiday, are they mutual friends? Keep an eye on how he behaves with you in front of them.

It doesnt matter why he's behaving like this, whether he feels he has to redress the balance because you have more qualifications or whatever. What matters is that he behaves this way and seems resistant to changing the underlying issues - ie via counselling.

The more incidents you describe OP the worse your situation sounds. I know leaving someone is difficult and that ideally you want your child to have both parents but two parents in a difficult marriage is not good a good atmosphere for a child and a happy free single mother would be a lot better. Children learn about relationships from their parents. Is what is going on between you and your H what you want your son to learn? You sound like you are trying to put yourself in stasis to avoid confronting the issue with him, pretending its ok, analysing away to provide reasons for behaviour that actually just isnt on.

I grew up afraid of my F, tempers and sulks - no hitting. But even worse was not being allowed to admit I was afraid of him because my M insisted on how great he was and made any number of rationalisations for his rubbish. It was like this big secret at the heart of our family and it really screwed me up.