was what I said really so awful?

[StillStuck]

back story - DH used to go away a lot with work, used to be for a whole week every other week and then his job changed and it was one week a month, and then it changed again over the summer and he stopped going away at all.

I posted about this a while ago (under another, different name change) as I was really struggling with my negative feelings about him being around all the time. I was happy with the balance of him being away one week in four, I enjoyed my time just me and DS and didn't really miss DH to be honest.

When DH told me about how his job would changing I really struggled with the negative emotions I felt about him being around all the time. I had a feeling of being 'trapped' if that makes sense, I missed knowing there would weeks booked in when he would be going away.

It hasn't helped over the past 6 months since his job changed that DH has barely been out or done anything. Two nights out with friends and one day trip, that's it. The rest of the time he is always around. I work three days a week and on my days off with DS DH will almost invariably come home at lunch time as well and be home by 4. We live in a tiny tiny house so there is no where for me to go to get some space, I can't call a friend without him commenting on what i'm talking about (and i have to talk over the noise of him watching tv). I have taken to going for a run/ swim every night and then having a long soak in the bath, just to carve out some space for myself.

I have eventually summoned up the courage and tried to talk to DH about this, about how I miss the balance our life used to have. I tried to explain that I was happy when he was away and then also enjoyed it when he was around. But he has taken it really badly and won't accept that I do still want to be with him I just want us to have some balance again. I am also a bit cross that he is upset with me for admitting to liking the weeks when he was away as much as I liked the weeks when he was around. I think he thinks I should have been sat around weeping and counting down the minutes until he came back. (meanwhile these trips away for him were basically to do something most people would pay to go on holiday and do, and the evenings involve going out drinking and partying).

I do think I still want to be with DH. He can be negative to me at times and I have struggled with that and I think that is why I like having a break from him sometimes too but fundamentally things are ok I think. I just want to get a balance back, I don't think its healthy to have so little time apart, and I miss having time just me and DS. Over the winter it feels like I've only really had a few hours a week, and I feel like I haven't really been a 'mother' especially as DH has a bit of tendency to need to prove he 'knows better' than me when it comes to parenting. The gaps when he was away gave me a chance to feel confident in what I was doing as a parent I guess.

[Sugarice]

The incident with the toy in the tunnel is dreadful, he sounds like he's jealous of your relationship with your ds.

I'm sure you'll keep remembering other things that have bothered you over time but have dismissed as possibly being trivial.

[StillStuck]

donkeys, yes I wonder whether (subconsciously) he tries to put me down in other areas because he feels insecure in that respect.

ohhh he will behave on holiday! can't give any more details but I know it will be ok and that the (mutual) friends there would look after me. one of them knows about the hospital incident (because we met shortly after) and was pretty cross, and said I should have called them and they would have had words with DH.

I am still pondering what is best. It is hard because a lot of the time I can see how much DS adores it when both of us are with him, me says 'mummyanddaddymummyanddaddy' and loves it. Plus I am not sure how I would make ends meet even if dh is decent about cash if we split (both of us are on v average salaries at present, and live in an area where housing and childcare are very expensive. I could earn a lot more but it would mean not seeing much of DS...)
But on the other hand I am concerned that there have been several instances (including this christmas day ) when because of stuff DH has done he I have been unable to keep up appearances and DS has said 'mummy feeling sad' and tried to comfort me )

I feel I should give DH a chance to try talking some of this out in counselling, but if he won't agree to that then I will be thinking very carefully.

[Sugarice]

What happened Christmas Day?

[Firsttimer7259]

The incident with the toy in the park sounds awful - reminds me of my father
Im sorry but this doesnt look good. You are doing well to start looking at it for what it is not twisting yourself about trying to rationalise it or feel you must ahve done something to deserve it.

[Firsttimer7259]

Fair enough to gve him a proper chance but write this stuff down and make sure you dont repress it. If its not largely solved in 4 months time you know what to do. And you will manage - its hard to imagine beforehand but life pans out in the strangest ways

[Hissy]

Honey, your baby knows you are a victim of abuse. This man is AWFUL!

he is insanely jealous of your relationship with your son and actively chooses to be mean to him to ruin your happiness at his ladder achievement. he wanted to MAKE his baby go through a tunnel he didn't want to.

I would BIN that MOFO for that and that alone.

Your son is only making a big show of mummydaddymummydaddy because of the black atmosphere your H creates. It's Traumatic Bonding. It's why so many victims of DV say 'Oh but he's great dad, they love him'

This is not love, it's fear. It's them sucking up and trying to please so he doesn't turn on them.

don't EVER go to counselling with this man.

I was going to post yesterday to say how every relationship needs to have space for the individuals, and that to fail to understand/recognise that is at best wrong, at worst it's oppressive. I am sad to see that it's moved on from there, but at least in the long run you are getting practiced at talking about this and airing your feelings.

we're here. Use us to talk to, call WA if you can, and do try to confide in your RL friend.

[StillStuck]

thing is though, its mainly fine, most of the time. there are just these incidents. The tunnel one is the only time I have been concerned about the way he is with DS.

can hardly bear to talk about christmas day. he just threw a BIG tantrum because timings on the day slipped so we weren't going to get to his parents at the time planned unless I completely ignored the fact DS needed a meal. I ended up crying in front of all my family. Then in the car on the way up to his parents house he told me that as we would be late in seeing his parents he would book me a flight home so I could get to work on time and spend an extra day or two with ds at his parents. Then he said I was being selfish to want ds to come home at the same time as me when I would be going to work that day, so why couldn't he spend more time with his parents. DS is only two, I don't want to be the other end of the country from him! The only way I could stop him was by threatening to call the mutual friend I have referred to above and (for reasons I can't go in to here) that stopped him in his track.

but, like a say, a lot of the time things are fine, and that is why it is hard to figure out what to do.

[StillStuck]

LOL at 'bin that mofo' you just made me smile!

[Sugarice]

Still I really feel for you, he sounds entitled and very demanding, it really is all about him isn't it.

What did your family do when you were so upset? do they agree that he's hard work.

[StillStuck]

Firsttimer - weirdly I do know I will manage, money worries aside but if necessary I think my parents could at least help us keep the right side of the breadline. I'm pretty tough, I went through a hell of a lot at university and know how strong I can be. the weeks DH has been away mean I am also not too worried about the practicalities. I just don't want to rush into anything I guess, but I might confide in our friend if there is a chance on holiday.

[StillStuck]

my family bless them were lovely, I think they could see I was embarrassed and also that I wanted DS to be enjoying himself, so they distractted DS with some presents and made me laugh with a very funny musical song. DH was embarrassed enough once I was crying to give in and realise DS needed feeding and that it would be better to go at his bed time.

[PureQuintessence]

This is a man who cannot cope with his needs taking second priority, who cant cope with having to prioritize a child's needs, be it getting his leg plastered, having a meal to fill his belly, etc. ... I feel very sad for you. No wonder this came to light only after you had a child. He could no longer play first fiddle in your world anymore, and now has to keep reasserting himself, to his child detriment.

[Hissy]

This will get worse love, trust me.

He is VILE!

The fact that you feel relaxed when he is not there is now easier to understand. It's relief. You don't have to worry about what you are saying, doing, thinking that might wind him up.

this is no way to live. he is mean, cruel and nasty. He'll resent your DS more and more.

You need to mull this over and work out how to get yourself to a better place in life. I'm sorry, but there is no going back now.

[AnyFucker]

I don't understand why you have threaten to tell on him to this friend of yours as the only means of getting him to hear you

What's that all about

[Hissy]

Abusers HATE other people to know they are TWATS....

[trustissues75]

he may be fine, most of the time....but what you are describing when he is not finr is simply not on. Period. What he is doing is slowly eroding your self esteem and your ability to judge things rationally. Believe me, over time he will have you questioning your own thoughts, feelings and pereptsion...hell, reading this thread he's already managing it. As the poster said above...this will only get worse. Does he ever at least listen to your worries/concerns/opinions without belittling/blocking/diverting/projecting? Do you find yourself thinking...everything's ok so long as I make sure I keep my mouth shut and try to keep the status quo?

[captainmummy]

It's a control thing. He hates that he can't control you or ds (re the mealtime), that he thinks dsshould go through the tunnel (because he says so) and you should not have taken him to the hosiptal for his broken leg (because in his opinion it was not broken)

You obviously weren't aware of it so much when he was away all the time.

I know we're getting only one side of the story, but there are a lot of red flags here, OP. Confide definitely in your friend. Make the opportunity .

[StillStuck]

af reluctant to give details on here as could out me (probably have already tbh) let's say (am giving similar scenario not identical) that friend is also his boss.

[StillStuck]

Ie I mean there relationship is one where he has to listen and also one where this person knows a bit about his temper etc as we all spend so much time together

[StillStuck]

Ie I mean their relationship is one where he has to listen and also one where this person knows a bit about his temper etc as we all spend so much time together and where this person has therefore seen a couple of examples and made clear they are there for me and made that clear to dh too.

[AnyFucker]

His boss shouldn't be involved in your personal relationship

I find it chiling that you have To resort to running to his boss to get him to listen to reason

Does this man really have so little respect for you ? (answer.... Yes)

I would feel completely humiliated at lowering myself into telling tales

[StillStuck]

This may sound like a silly question, after all that you have posted, but the question in my head is, 'so these aren't the sort of arguments /incidents that happen in normal relationships then'??

Part of me just keeps thinking but don't all couples have things they argue about/ disagree over?

[AnyFucker]

Cross posted

Boss shmoss, whatever, my point stands

[StillStuck]

Like I say af that is not the actual relationship I was just trying to illustrate as in it is someone dh looks up to/values their good opinion. And sometimes threatening to call them is only way I can stop dh in his tracks

[captainmummy]

They do, still, but normally there is a bit of give-and-take. I have to say, i'd be very vocal if my dp critises my parenting, or opinions, or plans.

It's the fact that you are not vocal about it, that says to me that you would do anything to keep him happy. That is not the basis of a good relationship.