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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

was what I said really so awful?

192 replies

StillStuck · 16/01/2013 10:02

back story - DH used to go away a lot with work, used to be for a whole week every other week and then his job changed and it was one week a month, and then it changed again over the summer and he stopped going away at all.

I posted about this a while ago (under another, different name change) as I was really struggling with my negative feelings about him being around all the time. I was happy with the balance of him being away one week in four, I enjoyed my time just me and DS and didn't really miss DH to be honest.

When DH told me about how his job would changing I really struggled with the negative emotions I felt about him being around all the time. I had a feeling of being 'trapped' if that makes sense, I missed knowing there would weeks booked in when he would be going away.

It hasn't helped over the past 6 months since his job changed that DH has barely been out or done anything. Two nights out with friends and one day trip, that's it. The rest of the time he is always around. I work three days a week and on my days off with DS DH will almost invariably come home at lunch time as well and be home by 4. We live in a tiny tiny house so there is no where for me to go to get some space, I can't call a friend without him commenting on what i'm talking about (and i have to talk over the noise of him watching tv). I have taken to going for a run/ swim every night and then having a long soak in the bath, just to carve out some space for myself.

I have eventually summoned up the courage and tried to talk to DH about this, about how I miss the balance our life used to have. I tried to explain that I was happy when he was away and then also enjoyed it when he was around. But he has taken it really badly and won't accept that I do still want to be with him I just want us to have some balance again. I am also a bit cross that he is upset with me for admitting to liking the weeks when he was away as much as I liked the weeks when he was around. I think he thinks I should have been sat around weeping and counting down the minutes until he came back. (meanwhile these trips away for him were basically to do something most people would pay to go on holiday and do, and the evenings involve going out drinking and partying).

I do think I still want to be with DH. He can be negative to me at times and I have struggled with that and I think that is why I like having a break from him sometimes too but fundamentally things are ok I think. I just want to get a balance back, I don't think its healthy to have so little time apart, and I miss having time just me and DS. Over the winter it feels like I've only really had a few hours a week, and I feel like I haven't really been a 'mother' especially as DH has a bit of tendency to need to prove he 'knows better' than me when it comes to parenting. The gaps when he was away gave me a chance to feel confident in what I was doing as a parent I guess.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/01/2013 14:09

He will poke his nose in there though too, won't he ?

I don't it needs to be you making the changes, tbh

AnyFucker · 16/01/2013 14:11

The cake metaphor is quite striking actually

I find it very sad that the few "crumbs" of approval from him are enough to convince you that this relationship is worth listening to the crap he spouts

Original poster
StillStuck · 16/01/2013 14:11

To a degree anyfucker but I figure he does have to do work at least some of the week!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/01/2013 14:15

He will do his work while you are at your place of work, and hang around making "helpful" comments when you are not

the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour

don't reduce your time at work

Original poster
StillStuck · 16/01/2013 14:23

He can be supportive too though, he supported me going back to work (dropped everything at short notice so I could go for interview), he supported me learning to drive (was expensive! I will confess part of my motivation though was to stop being so dependent) and he is supportive of me going out running/swimming once ds is in bed e.g. He waits till I am back to cook dinner

OP posts:
MarilynValentine · 16/01/2013 14:24

Disliking criticism is not a character flaw StillStuck! NOONE likes criticism! Criticism has to be handled with great care in any relationship - friendship, at work, love relationships.

We have to learn to hear constructive criticism without over-reacting. But it doesn't sound as if your H is constructive when he criticises you, at all.

Constructive criticism HELPS the other person. It is considered, and kind, and usually sandwiched amidst a lot of praise.

We have to be very careful before we criticise anyone because it can wound others so easily. Those who regularly criticise us (and casually, it sounds like) and, once questioned about it, deny or diminish it, are no good to be around.

You've blamed yourself for being so scared of his criticism that it took courage to bake a cake. You aren't being fair to yourself.

I'm sorry but it does feel like you don't want to be with him but are sublimating that into thinking you just need an afternoon a week away from him.

Sugarice · 16/01/2013 14:24

Does your dh come home at lunchtime even when you're at work three days a week or is that just when you're there.

Original poster
StillStuck · 16/01/2013 14:28

No idea sugarice! He works fairly locally though.

marilyn that's it I don't mind criticism if its constructive and mixed with support/praise. I even at university used to complain if an essay got no criticism!

OP posts:
Original poster
StillStuck · 16/01/2013 14:29

And thank you marilyn for your comments they have made me cry a little Blush

OP posts:
sudaname · 16/01/2013 14:36

Listen to yourself - you are trying to work out a life balance that renders you feeling better armed to deal with his negativity. Hmm

TravelinColour · 16/01/2013 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
StillStuck · 16/01/2013 14:46

I don't know, travel I do wonder if that is how I would feel, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, like I was a bit more free. but it seems like a lot to ask of DS just so I can be happier (I would struggle to mke ends meet on my own, even if I up my hours again).and I feel like how will I know if its really broken unless we first try to find a way to live together in a balanced way. I feel like we should try a bit more first.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/01/2013 15:04

Has he agreed to "try more" then ?

MarilynValentine · 16/01/2013 15:16

You're welcome StillStuck Smile

Do you think TravelinColour should go back to her critical ex, for her son? Would you advise her to do that, having read her post?

You are allowed to be happy. You don't HAVE to stay with your H. Your DS would be fine.

But perhaps you need to try to talk to your H about all of this first. If he listens and responds in a way that allows you all to move forwards, then great. But if not then perhaps you have your answer.

ThreeTomatoes · 16/01/2013 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNorthWitch · 16/01/2013 19:17

Obviously you want to try and make things work not least for the sake of your child - nothing wrong with that but you may have to open your mind to the possibility that you are trying to be fair, reasonable and balanced with someone who is NOT! It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if your cake was insulted at some point in the future - you complain and he will play nice for awhile and store it up for later - that is how they work.

Emotional abuse is a very slow and insidious process which is how it escapes detection for so long. You shouldn't need courage to bake a cake you should be able to bake it and throw it at the wall if you want to, or feed it to the birds if it hasn't turned out right (which is not a crime btw) or decorate it any way you choose - it's your life, your cake!

Original poster
StillStuck · 17/01/2013 09:38

Thank you all for your posts so far, you have given me a lot to think about. Some posts in particular have really resonated with me.I couldn't post last night as dh insisted we all go and stay over at his friends house, I tried to say he should go on his own and I would stay at home as we have work/nursery this morning but dh said I was being selfish and only thinking about myself, so I caved in and then when I got there and ds was too tired and shy to enjoy it and then this morning ds was all confused and out of routine and I had to have a cold shower and find my way to work from somewhere I don't know well I have been feeling quite cross with myself that I let him convince me that I was the one being selfish.
I have a lot of thinking to do. I think the advice that I should try and talk to dh about this and see how he reacts is what I want to do. I will suggest we try counselling. But life is too short to let things carry on like this. Its hard because I think dh is fundamentally a good person and so I feel I shouldn't give up too easily, but I do see that I shouldn't feel more 'free' when my partner is away, that maybe in a healthy relationship it wouldn't feel like that.

OP posts:
Sugarice · 17/01/2013 10:12

His insistence on staying over at a friends's house during the week when work /nursery followed the next day is odd and to ignore your reasoning and call you selfish is nasty.

He is sounding more controlling the more you reveal about him.

Good luck with any counselling.

DIYapprentice · 17/01/2013 11:44

Sleeping over at someone else's house mid week?! Is the man stark raving mad???!!!! Seriously, the fact that you didn't even feel you could say no to something as inconvenient as this REALLY must tell you something. Sad

I feel for you stillstuck, I really do. I think you've been blaming the wrong things for how you feel. You need to start looking in your 'D'H's direction quite firmly - HE's the one making you feel inadequate, suffocated and stressed.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2013 12:46

This man is trying to make your life more difficult. The "sleepover" midweek is frankly and openly designed to disorientate you
This is not a man with your best interests at heart

Anniegetyourgun · 17/01/2013 12:58

I'm still trying to work out why it's supposed to be selfish for one partner not to want to go out, but not selfish for the other partner to make them.

AbigailAdams · 17/01/2013 15:00

Why is he a good man StillStuck? There isn't much evidence of it on this thread.

GreatUncleEddie · 17/01/2013 15:00

I feel freer when DH is away, it is always nice to have the house to yourself. We have a great relationship, truly.

AbigailAdams · 17/01/2013 15:01

And can I just point out that your entire life seems to be revolving around him and his moods and his wants. I am sure he is very nice if he gets what he wants and you do what he wants.

SparkyDudess · 17/01/2013 15:55

It sounds very much as if he determines your entire family dynamic, and that's not right. He also sounds jealous of your DS (apols if that's already been said) and the fact you're no longer DH's sole focus.

I'm not seeing much of a 'good man' either - I can understand his feelings being hurt when you said you preferred him to bea way part of the time, but having seen your subsequent posts I'm not surprised you feel like that. It sounds as if your life and relationship with DS is significantly worse when DH is around.