Think I Have Lost The Plot. Please Help.

[TotalTizzy]

I've been with my P for two years (don't feel like I can add the 'D' in front). He was great for the first year but the second year has been difficult. He will be lovely for weeks on end and then out of the blue he will blow up over something or do something seemingly out of character. He has always been a bit funny about me going out with my friends but now it feels suffocating. He has started doing things like giving me the silent treatment when I get in or putting the deadlock (I think that is what it's called) across the door so that I can't open it from the outside. On the occasions when he has locked me out, I have spent up to half an hour ringing him and knocking on the door but he doesn't respond. I know he is awake because sometimes he cuts the calls off or answers and pretends he can't hear me. One time I actually saw him standing in the shadows of our bedroom window watching me getting tearful and panicky but he totally denies he did this.

Once a week I have a physio appointment after work and he will go out that evening without fail and get absolutely blind drunk. He always justifies it by saying "You were out of house having a good time so why shouldn't I?" Since when the hell has seeing the physio been classed as FUN? The next day he will give me three different variations of what he had got up to while he was on the piss and he always tells me that someone has chatted him up (usually a glamour model FFS). His stories never make sense and if they do then it sounds like he has rehearsed a watertight itinerary and tells me to call one of his friends to verify it (which I don't). I always feel worried when he goes out now - I honestly never used to care but now I feel very anxious. When I speak to him about it he just accuses me of being a control freak and of wanting to keep him under the thumb. Sometimes I ask him not to go out and I become very needy which causes arguments. I hate myself for being like this and I know he resents that behaviour because he tells me often enough.

Sometimes I try to have a normal adult conversation with him about something and he will turn it round on me and start going off on one. For example one time he was moaning about being skint and I said he should stop spending so much money on booze (he thinks nothing of spending a hundred quid on a bottle of champagne in a bar even though he is up to his eyeballs in debt. He never buys that when he's with me btw, only when he is out with his flash friends) He suddenly went beserk and started interrogating me about men I fancy asking me the same questions over and over again until I snapped. He then went very quiet and calm then said "I've caught you out. You're getting angry because you're a fucking liar." Two days later he booked us a last minute 'romantic' trip to Rome as a way of apologising.

I really think I am losing my mind. I honestly dont know what is going on from one day to the next. Whenever I threaten to leave there are tantrums, tears, proclamations of undying love and expensive gifts but then a few days later when the dust has settled he will make it known that I am the one who causes all the problems. Everyone thinks he is such a nice bloke and I doubt they would believe me if I told them what was really going on. I just don't know what to do. Last time I tried to leave him he locked me in our house and took away my phone, keys and purse until I "calmed down and saw sense "as he put it. He also said he loved me too much for me to walk away. It's like a rollercoaster except the highs and lows are getting more and more extreme. I don't even know who I am anymore. I guess I am looking for reassurance that I should leave but im scared.

[TotalTizzy]

Zero contact it is!

Betty I feel honoured that you are breaking your dry spell for me Enjoy your glass of later!

Thank you again x

[Mytimewillcomebutwhen]

Och Tizzy, I'm sitting here all tearful for you. I hope that you stay safe and that everything works out ok away from such an awful person. You sound lovely and I wish you all the best for the future.

It's in cases like this where mumsnet is amazing. There are some threads which go off the rails, but here, all the ladies before me have helped change someone's life - possibly even saved it. It's such a powerful tool when we use it to support each other.

Congratulations, Tizzy xx

[8rubberduckies]

Brilliant Tizzy so glad you are out, your family sound fab

[TotalTizzy]

Izzy I will definitely be back on here if the twunt rears his ugly head and becomes threatening. It is nice to know that I can come back for support if I need it, everyone has been so kind.

[izzyizin]

You're welcome back anytime, Tizzy, and now I'm going to follow Betty's lead and crack open a bottle of Beaujolly to toast your awesome courage and resolve.

Here's looking up at you, kid You've joined the ranks of amazing women who are a source of inspiration to others.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

Excellent news Tizzy. Congratulations on finding the courage to take such good and proper action!

I know you feel sick with nerves at the thought of him getting home and finding you've gone, but you are safe and protected now, and you did not belong to him, he can't actually make you stay in a relationship with him, you are free to live how you want. I think there will be some MNers this evening who will enjoy the thought of him returning home to find there's no one there to bully anymore.

I wish you all the best in your new life of freedom

Stay safe.

[AnyFucker]

That thought is giving me a rather nice warm feeling, Scarlet

[WipsGlitter]

Well done and good luck for the future.

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

AF, me too.

[borninastorm]

Well done TT.

If you ever doubt your decision to leave (and you will, its v normal to do that) remember and concentrate on all the horrible and terrible things he's done to you. Do not dwell on the 'good times' they weren't real, they were him pretending to be someone he's not.

Never forget the bad.

[brianbennettfan]

Hey Tizzy, I just happened to be able to nip round to your old abode tonight and luckily I was able to peep through the window and take a picture of your exP's face, just as he realised that you had gone. Here it is: .

I'm another one who's cracking open the last leftovers of the Christmas booze to raise a glass to your courage and determination and also to the glorious fact that you have a wonderful caring and loving family. Cheers!

[tripper20]

Well done, here's some more . And another for your parents. And some .

Reading your chilling posts brought it all back for me and you've been in my thoughts all day.

Tomorrow will be the first day of your new life and you'll feel F-R-E-E-E-E.

[TweedSlacks]

Well Done TT . So many people post on here and then ignore the advice , nad we get an escalation of abuse in another post a few weeks later . Today is the first day of the best years of your life.
I guess he knows your DP 's address ?
I really dont want to be alarmist or worry you , as he displaying classic abuser signs he might follow the standard course and drive over later on .
I really , really, hope he doesnt and the wanker disappears up his own exhuast pipe .Maybe chat with your dad about a phone call to the local pc?
It would be a shame if he causes trouble at your parents , he is a cock so may well be planning something .


If you have any holiday left at work a week away might not be a bad idea either .

[biff23]

Wow, well done you. That's amazing how quickly you decided and went for it. You can start living your life now.

[ifso]

This is scary reading i fee for you op. is he gaslighting as well as everything else, ie making u feel u are losing your mind, it looks that way. You deserve better than this. I'm worried for what may happen next to you - leave him is my only advice and be free of this

Take care

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

Well done OP !! Your story mirrored mine only 3 weeks ago. It's hard, it's upsetting, hell it's soul deystroying. But it's right. You cent see it now, and it's taken me almost 3 weeks .. But am slowly getting there.

This bit cant really explain how I feel IYSWIM. I feel sick. Part of me is desperate to get away, the other part is telling me that I have behaved badly in this relationship too (insecure, needy, paranoid, spiteful at times during arguments) It'a crazy that despite a unanimous verdict from everyone, especially all of the lovely people on here, I still feel responsible for a lot of his behaviour. I keep thinking of the times we've argued and he has said: "You would drive any man insane,"

I understand , I understand all of how you're feeling. Trust me when I say that in a small matter of weeks you'll be able to reason (where there previously was no reason) that this is the beginning of the rest of your chapter in life, and the old shitty one with him can gather dust

Here's to you!!

[aleene]

Well done, TT. He sounds awful, the sort of person who play mind games just because he can. Enjoy your freedom, and stay strong for any more games from him. I hope you get peace from him, but take precautions just in case.

[Eurostar]

Don't want to plant worry if I am wrong but are you absolutely sure that the mail won't send a confirmation of forwarding to your previous address? Last time I moved I asked them not to as I had already left anyway but they said that they had to as part of fraud prevention. Maybe things have changed though as this was a few years ago but I'd double check anyway...

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

OP they sent one out to my old abode with ex too. I think it's best for the OP that she is with her parents, even if they send a letter out, she's not alone there

[GiveMeSomeSpace]

How does Freedom feel OP? I'm so impressed by your bravery! :)

[TotalTizzy]

Eurostar I called Royal Mail today and explained the situation and they said a letter wouldn't be sent out but I'm worried now so I'll call again first thing. Thanks for flagging it up though, I hope I haven't fucked up in my haste to get things sorted.

TweedSlacks He does know my parents address unfortunately. I'm actually pretty scared he will turn up, my mum and dad think it's a possibility. They've said they'll call the police if he shows up causing trouble.

I think the reality of this is starting to sink in now. I feel sick

[Sugarice]

Don't panic.

You're with your Parents and not alone. If he turns up, stay calm and ignore him but be ready to call the police if you suspect he's going to be nasty.

[TotalTizzy]

Thanks chaos that is reassuring. Sorry that you have recently gone through that, I hope you're doing OK. You've given me some good advice there

[Chaoscarriesonagain]

Don't panic ! You've taken control . You are in control now. Stay strong

[Walkacrossthesand]

Well done Tizzy. I can only guess at how relieved yet scared you feel. It sounds like your parents are totally with you and not liable to fall for any attempts to charm/smarm/claim you've asked him to come round & haven't told them/ etc. Will one of them be able to escort you around for a while, while you get used to your new situation, so you always have company?