Think I Have Lost The Plot. Please Help.

[TotalTizzy]

I've been with my P for two years (don't feel like I can add the 'D' in front). He was great for the first year but the second year has been difficult. He will be lovely for weeks on end and then out of the blue he will blow up over something or do something seemingly out of character. He has always been a bit funny about me going out with my friends but now it feels suffocating. He has started doing things like giving me the silent treatment when I get in or putting the deadlock (I think that is what it's called) across the door so that I can't open it from the outside. On the occasions when he has locked me out, I have spent up to half an hour ringing him and knocking on the door but he doesn't respond. I know he is awake because sometimes he cuts the calls off or answers and pretends he can't hear me. One time I actually saw him standing in the shadows of our bedroom window watching me getting tearful and panicky but he totally denies he did this.

Once a week I have a physio appointment after work and he will go out that evening without fail and get absolutely blind drunk. He always justifies it by saying "You were out of house having a good time so why shouldn't I?" Since when the hell has seeing the physio been classed as FUN? The next day he will give me three different variations of what he had got up to while he was on the piss and he always tells me that someone has chatted him up (usually a glamour model FFS). His stories never make sense and if they do then it sounds like he has rehearsed a watertight itinerary and tells me to call one of his friends to verify it (which I don't). I always feel worried when he goes out now - I honestly never used to care but now I feel very anxious. When I speak to him about it he just accuses me of being a control freak and of wanting to keep him under the thumb. Sometimes I ask him not to go out and I become very needy which causes arguments. I hate myself for being like this and I know he resents that behaviour because he tells me often enough.

Sometimes I try to have a normal adult conversation with him about something and he will turn it round on me and start going off on one. For example one time he was moaning about being skint and I said he should stop spending so much money on booze (he thinks nothing of spending a hundred quid on a bottle of champagne in a bar even though he is up to his eyeballs in debt. He never buys that when he's with me btw, only when he is out with his flash friends) He suddenly went beserk and started interrogating me about men I fancy asking me the same questions over and over again until I snapped. He then went very quiet and calm then said "I've caught you out. You're getting angry because you're a fucking liar." Two days later he booked us a last minute 'romantic' trip to Rome as a way of apologising.

I really think I am losing my mind. I honestly dont know what is going on from one day to the next. Whenever I threaten to leave there are tantrums, tears, proclamations of undying love and expensive gifts but then a few days later when the dust has settled he will make it known that I am the one who causes all the problems. Everyone thinks he is such a nice bloke and I doubt they would believe me if I told them what was really going on. I just don't know what to do. Last time I tried to leave him he locked me in our house and took away my phone, keys and purse until I "calmed down and saw sense "as he put it. He also said he loved me too much for me to walk away. It's like a rollercoaster except the highs and lows are getting more and more extreme. I don't even know who I am anymore. I guess I am looking for reassurance that I should leave but im scared.

[Secretservice]

Good morning TT, I am delurking having followed your thread from the beginning. Firstly, I just wanted to add my voice to all the others - you are a strong and impressive woman! It is often said on here that many abusers target capable women because of the challenge they present - how much greater the feeling of power to totally deconstruct a strong, healthy personality :(

But mainly I wanted to say, when he writes that you are the abusive one, ask yourself has it ever, even once, occurred to you that you could lock anyone inside their own house, and steal their phone and keys?

No? I thought not

[GiveMeSomeSpace]

TT I feel for you. I?ve been wondering how you?ve been getting on. All the support you?ve been getting here is absolutely spot on.

If getting a man?s perspective will in any way help you eliminate doubt you have, I'll give you that perspective and I?m certain other male MNers would agree with this view.

To put it in a nutshell: NORMAL MEN DO NOT BEHAVE IN THIS WAY. I can?t make it any clearer. Don?t for once think that you are in any way responsible for any of this. The only thing you could have done better would have been to get out of the relationship sooner.

He is a manipulative, controlling, unstable, abusive coward. And I say COWARD with the strongest possible emphasis. It?s the same in the school playground when a bully picks on a weaker child and it?s the same in other abusive relationships where the COWARD looks for someone they can control to give them a feeling of power, whether that be a conscious or subconscious decision.

Everything he has written in the letter just confirms everything that you have already said about this coward. If he had just one ounce of perspective, he would be apologising 100%. No ifs, no buts. He would be saying sorry - full stop. But all that he has written confirms that he does not have the ability to look at himself or his own actions and confirms what an arsehole he is. Asking you to contribute to his credit card bills is just laughable. It shows that all the lovely meals and gifts he bought you were not expressions of his kindness, but expressions of what he wants FROM you. HE BOUGHT YOU THESE THINGS TO CONTROL YOU, not because he loved you. If he was that unhappy, why did he stay with you? Again, because he wants to control you.

I bet any amount of money that he?s feeble and a follower in his circle of friends. That?s why he has to buy champagne he can?t afford. Normal blokes see guys like this for what they are. I?m sure there will be a huge disconnect between how ?confident? he is with you and how much of a follower he is with his ?mates?.

I?m sorry this post is so long, but you should realise that men too are looking at this thread, and his treatment of you, in disgust.

Please get the support you need and stay strong. Good luck. :)

[NicknameTaken]

As a thought experiment, let us assume for a moment you are as bad as he says (btw, I don't believe it). Aren't you doing him a favour by leaving him and setting him free? Fly free, little birdie, fly free!

Not sure if you've read this piece about how to spot a loser. It gets linked to from these pages quite often. Good advice on how to end the relationship too.

This guy will never, ever accept that it was his fault or that there is anything less than perfect in his behaviour. You will get to the stage when it doesn't matter to you.

You have absolutely done the right thing by getting out. It will take a little bit longer to get mind free as well as your body, but you will get there, honest you will.

[DeafLeopard]

Tizz you've been amazingly strong so far, stay that strong.

As others have said, he is a manipulative abuser, the things that he has done and the way that he has behaved are not normal.

It is him, not you.

[Jux]

Tizzy, what a woman! That's you I'm talking about, btw.

it's not you, it's him
it's not you, it's him
it's not you, it's him
it's not you, it's him
it's not you, it's him
it's not you, it's him
it's not you, it's him
it's not you, it's him
it's not you, it's him
it's not you, it's him

Believe it.

[TotalTizzy]

Feeling very tearful reading the replies on here, I am so touched that people have taken the time to respond to give me encouragement and advice. Thanks so much, as always.

TheGoat I love the quote. I don't think it is trite at all, it's very fitting! '...the caterpillar has good reason to stay in its cocoon while it's busy "reconstructing" itself, so feel free to do the same' - I shall certainly do that

BigButtons I read your post nodding my head throughout, I can relate to so much of what you have written. This part especially struck a chord: He said I needed counselling for my anger management issues. I even bought books on how to be less angry. Ironically of course any internal rage I had ( and I did) was because he was abusing the very life out of me and felt felt impotent and wretched. Occasionally he would praise me for the effort I had obviously been making in trying to listen properly and would tell me I was making progress and he was pleased. I believed him FFS. I believed I was faulty goods, selfish, controlling and unable to listen or communicate. I believed it when he said no one else would put up with me. I had a bit of an epiphany reading that! XP did all of that and it was one of the turning points where I felt like I was really losing the plot. Telling me I needed counselling, rewarding me with treats like I was some sort of dog if he felt I was 'making progress' and 'keeping my temper in check,' constantly drumming into me that I had severe anger problems - he made me feel as though I was mentally ill and a danger to be around. Knowing that your nasty, abusive ex used the same tactics has really opened my eyes to the mindfuckery used by these 'men' and has made me feel as though I am not the only one who has gone through this. I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story, you are an inspiration to me (sorry, know that sounds a bit cheesy!)x

GiveMeSomeSpace Thank you for a male perspective, I really appreciate your kind words. You are spot on when you said my ex is a follower amongst his friends, you really have hit the nail on the head with that one! He was always very worried about losing his identity as being a 'jack the lad' around his 'mates' and therefore used to openly dismiss me in public or humiliate me just in case his Neanderthal friends thought he might be 'under the thumb.' Pathetic really, in hindsight.

Jux Thank you! I will keep telling myself that

I'm feeling much more upbeat this evening compared with the early hours of this morning and I actually feel angry towards XP now, which I guess is a good thing! Sorry for another ridiculously long post, just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the help and reassurance. It really does mean a lot to me.

[ArtsMumma]

Hi TT, Glad you got back on this post, thanks for your pm. I just wanted to say that CBT was amazing for me. You should be able to access it through your GP, or there are lots of private practitioners.

Absolutely do NOT give him money, don't even give him head-space. I know it feels impossible to just let go, but I promise that it is the best thing to do. In time, and with proper help, you will be so glad you didnt try to explain yourself. Why would he suddenly start understanding you now when he never did before? It really isn't you, It really IS him. Much love, always here if you want a chat x

[bigbuttons]

tizzy my love you are more than welcome. Your ex, like mine, is what Lundy classifies as a "water torturer". An insidious and devastating form of emotional torture and abuse. It disassembles the victim. They loose sense of self until they don't know black from white or night from day.
My ex would lie blatantly to my face about stuff, like the " I came down immediately". It's as ridiculous as your ex insisting you were called Betty and lived in outer Mongolia (I'm assuming neither of those things are the case!)
You are out now and you are in recovery. Allow time for putting yourself back together. Do not rush things. You have a lot to process. What you need now is to be gentle with yourself and to unpick what is really you from what he told you you were. Your ex is my ex, they are one and the same man.
I am more than happy to share more stories with you if it will help you to move forward, telling it is cathartic for me too. Please pm me if you would like x

[bigbuttons]

And of course telling us we have anger issues is w way to control. They know i believe that they are corrosive. If they can blame the result of their behaviour solely on us then they have no responsibility do they?
It's like repeatedly kicking a dog and then blaming it for being aggressive.

I am still trying to work out how self aware my ex actually is. I think he really really believes everything he says and thinks. He clearly has huge issues, well you would have to to behave like that wouldn't you?

[monstermissy]

I spent 16 years and had children with a man like this. Since splitting over a Year ago I've hit the angry phase and seem to of got stuck there. Thank god you only gave him 2 years do NOT let him take any more from you.

By the end I was on anti depressents was signed off work with 'emotional trauma' (I went to the gps and broke down it was horrible) his response once I started to feel more together and stand up for myself was 'everything was fine before you started taking those fuckin tablets) he didn't actually care only that I was being disagreeable. I've also been locked out after nights out, locked in the bedroom so I can't go out .... Etc etc I could go on for pages.

They def follow a script, after almost a year of thinking I would see sense he had met, moved in and plan to marry in a matter of a few months some other poor women who thinks hes a wonderful man.

You are right! Stand your ground you owe him nothing.

[ThereGoesTheYear]

He's not really making sense, is he? You're awful yet he's begging to have you back? He bought you gifts but they weren't really gifts so you have to pay his credit card? I suggest he tracks down his friends and randoms for champagne money, as they have as much responsibility as you for his finances, i.e. none.

As a fellow escapee from this kind if mind-fucking relationship, one thing struck a chord: torturing myself about my behaviour during our relationship. I bought books on how to be a better wife, consciously tried to be 'better', and immediately after I left I was ashamed if some of my behaviour. I couldn't even admit it to my friends. I look back now, and it was nothing. Totally normal responses in the circumstances. And it didn't even register on the scale compared to what he did to me.

And of course a man like your XP would need to make you need him. Otherwise you wouldn't put up with his vile and disturbing behaviour. He would have deliberately made you feel insecure.

[Midwife99]

I'm a latecomer but have just read the whole post. TT - I don't think you know how brave & strong you have been! It takes many women many years to finally leave, usually after marrying & having children with the bastard. You have stopped the cycle now, before legal, financial & children responsibilities complicate things further. I also really recommend the Lundy Bancroft book & the Freedom Programme. There is something about us the abuser recognises when they meet us that makes them know we are potential victims. A lack of confidence? Too trusting? A fear of being alone? Whatever it is - once we grow & gain confidence again we will be immune so that we never fall under their spell again! While you're off work could you afford to treat yourself to things for you like a facial, massage, pedicure - anything that makes you feel valuable & deserving? Then sign up for the freedom programme, sleep & eat well & ignore that bastards pathetic attempts to manipulate you. NO CONTACT. Well done you're amazing!!

[webweaverToo]

How are you today Tizzy?

[Loubychew]

Darling Tizzy I just read your whole thread and it is chilling. I had a similar experience before I met my now DH. Six years of much the same, mental abuse, controlling behaviour and random violence thrown in for good measure. Everyone thought he was a total gentleman, even his own family after he blacked my eye, kicked my front door in and that of my brother (scaring their young DS very badly).

He pissed on me, dragged me around by my hair, tried to strangle me a few times, pushed me down the stairs, oh I could go on.

No kids, not married and one day I just saw the light and left, it was like a great weight came off my shoulders. He didn't stalk me afterwards though which I am glad about.

Stay strong. Hugs.

[Norem]

Tizzy have just read the thread and want to join in with the chorus here and say
YOU are an amazing, strong and brave woman.

[BattlingFanjos]

Hi TT! Another lurked here! I am 9 months out of an eerily similar relationship and the one thing I can assure you of is IT GETS BETTER! I promise you, it really, really does. I'm happier, funnier, I smile, I laugh and the biggest thing, I don't get angry anymore. There are no more hysterical, screaming rows and I don't question myself or my sanity anymore the guilt is the hardest to shift imo but it is just conditioning and disappears a little more each day. Sounds odd to say it because i don't know you but I'm so proud of you!! you have done an amazing thing and are now back in control! Onwards and upwards !!! Xxx

[HermioneHatesHoovering]

Leave NOW.

[IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord]

Hermione

Read the whole thread. She already has.

[thekitchenfairy]

How are you today *TT?]

Iama a latecomer to this thread...I just want to say well done you, and stay strong.

As a fellow survivor of such vile manipulative fuckwittery, I remember well the weeks after I left: my head was so screwed I honestly didn't know what way was level. I had no DCs then, and this was pre MN, but I would have made use of it in the wakeful hours when thinking straight seems so much harder than daylight!

i had great friends and family who supported me, sometimes round the clock, and they slowly reconstructed the mirror that was me pre-toxic XP, I honestly was scared of my shadow, had no idea what i even liked to eat, or how to choose a tv show to watch. and were it not for the strength I drew from them I might have opened the door to him, replied to vile letters etc and believed that I caused him to behave that way.

We are all here, willing you forward and hoping you feel stronger with every passing day, there has been some brilliant advice to help you get to this point, check in when you can, and know we are all behind you... You are back in control.

Some to start your day and for your lovely parents... Bit early for , but I can pop back with that later

[TotalTizzy]

Just wanted to check in and say that I'm doing well I kept myself really busy at the weekend; I went to stay with a friend who I hadn't seen in ages and I had a lovely time. It was so nice to be able to do what I wanted for a change and not worry about the consequences!

ArtsMumma and BigButtons You are both so kind to say I can PM you for a chat, I really appreciate it.

ThereGoes This has helped me so much: I look back now, and it was nothing. Totally normal responses in the circumstances. And it didn't even register on the scale compared to what he did to me. I read that and felt really relieved to know that my behaviour was a normal response and not a sign of me being unhinged/insane/whatever else XP led me to believe.

I cannot thank you enough for your lovely words and encouragement. I really could not have got this far without you all I'm now going to have a glass of and carry on reading my Lundy Bancroft book!

[bigbuttons]

That's greattizzy so pleased you're reading Lundy

[MooMooSkit]

I've read all of this and you are doing so so well. I've been in this situation and been made to feel like that, it got so bad i even went to the doctors and was made to feel like i had severe depression and anger problems when I didn't. Stay Strong XX

[Midwife99]

Glad to hear from you TT. Hope you're still safe & not being harassed in any way by that nutter!!

[DoctorAnge]

TT just to say I think you are an amazing lady. Good luck with it all you will be fine. You are an intelligent, sensitive Woman.

[ShamyFarrahCooper]

Tizzy I've just read this entire thread. You are amazing. You have fantastic parents & friends/colleagues. Everything you are doing is the right thing. Just don't drop your guard yet. It took mine 6 months to stop harassing me, using anything he could.

But this: It was so nice to be able to do what I wanted for a change and not worry about the consequences!

I recognise this so much and it so true. Enjoy it. Keep doing things and gradually the not worrying becomes your normality again.

P.S I'm a sufferer of anxiety, something I never had until my ex. They really do a number on us!