'Part of me is desperate to get away, the other part is telling me that I have behaved badly in this relationship too (insecure, needy, paranoid, spiteful at times during arguments) It'a crazy that despite a unanimous verdict from everyone, especially all of the lovely people on here, I still feel responsible for a lot of his behaviour. I keep thinking of the times we've argued and he has said: "You would drive any man insane," "You come across as so nice to everyone else but you treat me like shit," "You've got an evil streak in you," "You just want to grind me down until I crack," "You've got issues," "You're a nasty piece of work." God, sometimes I wonder if it's ME who is abusive. He certainly thinks so.'
Oh god darling, they all talk from the same script don't they?
I'll tell you my long and shameful story (I feel ashamed because I kept going back) and maybe it'll make you feel stronger and proud of what you are doing now.
I paid for everything and chased my abusive ex around Europe (he refused to live with me because England wasn't good enough for an artistic genius like him, but demanded that I visit him as often as possible in Italy even though I'm a full time working and p/t single parent) and I did it for soooo long....because he made me feel like shit for 'neglecting' him.
I wasn't allowed to see his family or stay in his father's house (where he was still living...) because he had slagged me off to them so much as a toxic lunatic and they were scared of me.
He constantly accused me of abuse etc. I would argue back to him and get very angry, but chillingly, I found that he would find some way to turn everything I justifiably said back onto me. If I had reason to be jealous of him (and I did because he slept with another woman the day after we split up once, locked me out of his facebook a year ago and blocked me, etc), he would break into my computer and accuse me of 'gangbangs' and 'random sex appointments' (utter rubbish). He was omnipotent, arrogant, suspicious and deeply malicious at times. Then could be loving and kind (especially to my sons who loved him. I guess he was a kid like them!!) Everything I said to him that wasn't positive would be saved up and thrown back at me. So it was me who was arrogant, malicious, exploitative (?of what I wonder), etc. I got called a money-obsessed materialist for asking him to pay me back for air fares I bought him that he didn't bother to use.
He progressively drained my money, time and energy while telling me daily that it was me doing that to him, how grateful I should be to him, that I was a crazy promiscuous bitch etc (I have bipolar type Ii depression, so he translated that into my being a dangerous, loose madwoman); and the last I heard from him after I dumped him for the last time, was a long, raging moral lecture about my many inadequacies as a person (instructing me to watch two Italian films which would 'show me the truth about myself if I was willing to see and understand it' !!). (This was after I had deleted but not blocked him from skype, having already agreed to split).
And yes I got called 'evil' several times, including by his mother!! (This stuff runs through the family...)
As for the number of times he called me a lunatic and a 'psychopath' (his term for someone with a mental illness I think), I can't count them.
I had left a cashmere cardigan with him which was a present from my parents... I asked very nicely for it back, even offering to pay for the postage as he is sooooo broke, of course... and got told that I deserved nothing from him, he owes me nothing (he owes me about £2000 probably), etc. etc.
I knew for years that he was a pompous, arrogant paper bag of a kidult but somehow I stayed out of self hate (exacerbated by his accusations that I was a sick crazy abuser and he was a saint for putting up with me). and also of course you see a better side sometimes.. and there is something else that makes us stay... the abuser focuses almost totally on you. You're the centre of his world for good and (usually) bad. And I think there is something horribly compulsive in that for those of us with low self esteem. For me it created this weird sexual obsession which I still feel at times even though I'll never, ever get on a fucking plane for him again (he was very beautiful which I think didn't help the vast narcissistic sense of entitlement... I think he was used to getting his own way with women).
You are absolutely right to get out. You may miss him for a while, god knows I still do. But you are returning to a full human life. Very best of luck.