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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So he's just like all the rest.....

8 replies

raenbow · 13/01/2013 00:01

Posted on here about 6 months ago to cut a long story short (ish)
We moved abroad for his work 5 years ago, A year ago DH came back from a trip abroad and was distant and when asked what was wrong said he was not happy, hadn't been for 2 years and wanted out. Told me There is no-one else At the time I was devastated and said I would go and take DC's to return to UK.
Anyway, we decided to give it another go however during the space of the year I was the one doing fixing while he 'checked out' and distanced himself. Further distanced himself last summer physically by announcing he was going to Asia for 8 weeks ( for 'work' ) So I considered my options, stayed and decided if after he came back things were the same I'd go. Of course they were the same so we decided I would leave.
Returned to UK got house and was getting myself sorted and with support from my family and his who were great was getting my head round it all ready for new start in 2013.
So last week I asked him to come over to discuss access / maintenence but got text saying he wanted to talk about things I wouldn't like and he didnt want to discuss before xmas: I sent him a text saying please let me know what you want to talk about. So he sent me a text saying I have been seeing woman I met in Asia last year, We are in love, didnt go away in UK with mates at New Year but went abroad to meet her, Sat in MY KITCHEN eating MY xmas dinner and lying to MY kids and his parents who he's staying with about his smutty little trip. Says he met her last year ( did he or was that his reason for going?) bit their relationship only started ' a few weeks ago' ; yeah right!!!!
At 1st I was really upset and freaked out scaring kids and having to get MIL to come round ( he told her the day before)
I have a meeting with solicitor on Monday and it all kicks off from there, I am sorry he turned out to be like all the others, 23 years and I wonder why I wasted it with a selfish man who could do this so easily.

OP posts:

GiveMeSomeSpace · 13/01/2013 00:05

Really sorry to hear things have turned bad. Be honest with his parents FFS. they should know what their son has been up to.

VBisme · 13/01/2013 00:08

It sounds to me like he moved on fairly quickly, but surely you were separated at the time? (Apologies if I've misunderstood).

I'm sure you're really hurt, but please don't scare your children.

Original poster

raenbow · 13/01/2013 00:10

I have . They are horrified cannot believe he's acting this way. They treat me like a daughter and helped me by letting me and dc's stay with them when we came back helped finding and moving house and since when I have been all over the place. He was still abroad tying up ends and only came back over xmas. Now he tells me 'I am turning them against him' He's doing a pretty good job of that himself. If he wasnt leaving next week to a new place I think they would have thrown him out. BUT he is still their son and they love him too!

OP posts:

Original poster

raenbow · 13/01/2013 00:17

It depends when it started ( if you believe the last few weeks part? I don't) and at the time he went to Asia and met her we weren't separated. He pushed for separation when he got back but denied any other involvement. I wish he had told me then as I feel I have gone through it twice where I could have got over the two together (IYSWIM)
Scared the kids cos I opened his email when the kids were there and burst into tears. I have been really careful not to cry in front of them up to now but it was such a shock. What if i'd opened email and left it on computer and 14 yo DD had read it first? Who does that in an email.
He is also crying poverty andyet went for a week in hotel+flights etc. and told me he's off to see her in the country she lives in for Valentines ( well he was till I rmeinded him he'd got the kids for half term)

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2013 09:08

Sorry you've had such a shock and sorry you found out in such an impersonal and callous way as an e-mail. Yes, it probably all started much earlier than he's letting on... that's fairly common for cowardly types like your ex.

Don't be ashamed to cry in front of your children. You're a parent, not made of wood. If you were totally calm all the time that would be unnatural and your children would quickly spot that.

It's nice of his parents to support you but do be aware that blood is thicker than water and, however angry they are with him now and however sympathetic, they are unlikely to totally abandon him. Are you making any arrangements to get a place of your own? Seeing solicitors yet?

porridgelover · 13/01/2013 11:18

Be careful with Parents-in-law. It wouldn't surprise me if at some stage, he has a chat with them, putting you in a bad light, which will change their opinion.
Blood is thicker than water.

Dont worry about crying in front of the children. As long as you are not using them to comfort you, they will cope. If anything, it will make sense to them, as this is a confusing and upsetting time for them, and it will give them 'permission' to grieve too. I tell my DC that 'my feelings are my own and I am a grown up so I can handle it; but you can ask me for help any time'.

Pleading poverty is not unusual. Changing access to suit his time with OW is not unusual. Get it all sorted with solicitors.

Original poster

raenbow · 13/01/2013 16:18

Thanks for comments and sympathy. I know blood is thicker than water, think this is the only reason he's still there. No doubt he will to been talk me down to them, but they know I have been the one trying to fix it an was totally committed to our marriage before moving with him when he wanted to go. I
have my own place now was with them just a few weeks when we 1st got back as DD went back to school she would have gone to if we'd stayed to make transition for her easier as it is just near the in laws when I would have preferred to go to my mums to stay while I found a place.
Kids are fine, think hardest part is that they had seen me 'getting better ' and now seem to be bach at square 1.
Solicitor meeting 10 am tomrrow. I want out ASAP!!!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2013 16:54

Even if you are back at square one, it's not a problem for your children if you explain to them that you're having a bad day. IME What unnerves children most is when they suspect someone is hiding the full truth because they fill in the blanks with their vivid imaginations and can come up with something far worse than the reality.

Good luck with the solicitor tomorrow.

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