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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

For those of you with an ex...

14 replies

JaneFonda · 12/01/2013 20:05

If they were lovely in the beginning, but at the end turned out to be horrible, do you think they changed, or that they were pretending to be nice at the start?

OP posts:
DameMargotFountain · 12/01/2013 20:13

for me, i needed him to be nice to me, so i believe he was

his family hid secrets about him from me as they wanted him to be nice too

he wasn't, and still is a cunt now

he never changed, i realised

why do you ask, OP?

Original poster
JaneFonda · 12/01/2013 20:18

Oh sorry, I didn't mean for it to be so ambiguous!

There's nothing wrong with my relationship, I just read a lot of the threads on here, particularly wrt DV, with people saying how their DP has changed.

It just made me wonder if they actually had changed, or if they were pretending all along.

OP posts:
DameMargotFountain · 12/01/2013 20:25

IME and please note the E men who think it's ok to hit women always think it's ok to hit women

just sometimes they don't

i don't think your OP was ambiguous btw, just obtuse

BertieBotts · 12/01/2013 20:36

I think I didn't really know what "nice" was and had a really low threshold for "nice" Blush - if I met my XP now I would not look twice at him, yet I thought he was amazing because he acknowledged me and possibly another couple of faux-nice things like how he complimented my body and was proud to kiss me etc in public and how we sat in a car one night and chose "our" star and he dedicated a song to me on the radio. The first night we got together he asked me what I wanted to do, bought me drinks etc. (I don't know why I thought this was particularly noteworthy!)

I heard/saw those and minimised the bad things that he was doing even at the beginning like making me choose whether I wanted to be in a "long term, serious" relationship or no relationship at all less than 24 hours in Confused - I was always making excuses for his bad points or just clean not seeing them. I mean, FFS, before we went out he told me that his ex had cheated on him with his mate, and he'd put the mate in hospital! Confused

I don't think he changed as such I think I just stopped romanticising everything nice he ever did and got a bit more cynical about it. Plus, in the beginning I was all over him sexually, when I went off sex, he got a lot less affectionate unless he wanted sex - perhaps it was always that way and I just didn't notice because I was happy about the sex stuff then anyway?

tiredoftrying · 12/01/2013 20:58

yes does make u wonder if they was always that way but very false ,I had the same with my ex he seemed fantastic everything u wanted lol wasn't I wrong

BertieBotts · 12/01/2013 21:12

They're very good at reflecting back what you want as well aren't they? I remember XP used to have the exact same music taste as me and I was really surprised, weird when it magically changed to music that I didn't like as much!

tiredoftrying · 12/01/2013 21:18

yes agree they seem totally in sync with ur everything

DoubleYew · 15/01/2013 13:55

Snap, Bertie, that is almost spooky.

He has been so horrible and selfish to me and ds I can't believe he has changed into this person, I think he just hid it. Very disappointed in myself for falling for it and saddling ds with him for a dad.

issey6cats · 15/01/2013 14:01

my ex was every thing i wanted in a man to start with what i didnt know at the time was i was the OW and he was living with his partner and kids dont flame it was long distance so i dint honestly know, and hes aspie so i was the project he was working on and he went all out to get what he wanted, cue 8 years down the line and i was the project he had finished with so he went all out to get another woman interested in him and he turned into a sneaky lying cheat while still pretending evrything was normal in our marriage till i did what his ex did caught him out and threw him out

ProphetOfDoom · 15/01/2013 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/01/2013 14:35

I don't think my ex particularly changed and I don't think he was pretending either. I think he was on best behaviour, as most of us are, in the beginning, very charming, and I either chose to overlook, forgive or was too naive to see his faults the rest of the time.

nospace · 15/01/2013 14:39

We all show our best behaviour at the start but for someone to turn out to be so nasty, and treat you badly as a woman,I think they have deeply ingrained attitudes towards women that already exist in them, and there must have been some acting in the beginning which they cannot maintain after a while, or when you live together.

nospace · 15/01/2013 14:43

Also, as the old saying goes 'love is blind'.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 15/01/2013 15:05

I don't think my ex "changed", it was a combination of:

  • my own low standards, and
  • gradual escalation of abuse (every boundary transgressed became the new "normal")
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