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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out my fiancée has been cheating since we got engaged

44 replies

xcharlotte1990x · 11/01/2013 13:36

Well to begin with me and my fiancée have 2 dc at 4 and 6 months.
Since I got pregnant my fiancée became very distant and harsh. Making comments about my weight and how I looked.
It's tuned out he was sleeping with my next door neighbour, emailing and texting so many women on Facebook.
Also found out while snooping on his phone that he's was cheating on me with one of my daughters nursery teachers.
I am pretty devastated I never thought this was the kind of guy he was.
I wonder if he has been doing this since we got together.
I could really so with some support on where to go from here, I jut feel so lost.
Xx

OP posts:
simbaandblue · 11/01/2013 13:38

First things first, report the teacher to the Head of the school, she should absolutely not have allowed that to happen. I'm a teacher and its a huge no no.
So sorry you're having such a rough time. I don't know what else to say really.
Xx

badinage · 11/01/2013 13:42

Do you mean you want some practical advice about how to be a single parent?

Because obviously you're not going to stay with him or marry him are you?

izzyizin · 11/01/2013 13:45

Have you slung him out? If not, why not? And if you have, have you gone non-contact except for any necessary communication relating to the welfare of your dc?

Sugarice · 11/01/2013 13:48

How long have you known that he's been cheating, since your 1st or 2nd child?

willybreeder · 11/01/2013 13:48

How hard for you to find all that out! Have you confronted him yet? Are you able to pack his bags?
I agree about letting the head of the nursery/school know as well.
Keep posting to get some courage up.

Original poster
xcharlotte1990x · 11/01/2013 13:57

I have had a feeling he's Ben upto no good for a while.
A few weeks after my son was born I just had a feelin and I had to look on his phone and there it all was on the private massages,
I then a few weeks later found out he had been sleeping with the next door neighbour, I actually rang her and asked her because I could t take the not knowing, she confirmed that they had an how sorry she was, when I confronted him h told me it was because she was obsessed with him, I don't know why I took it, I knew in the back of my mind it was a lie, but I kind of just blocked it from my mind, I think a mixture of tiredness and feeling overwhelmed by all this just made me shut it out.
Today I just had to email the nursery teacher I had found out about and find out the truth. She told me it had been going on for a few months, and that these last few weeks he has been emailing and texting her to meet him again.
I just can't believe this is happening, I can't even believe I have been burying my head in the sand for so long.

OP posts:
Original poster
xcharlotte1990x · 11/01/2013 14:00

My sons 6 months old now, so it's been a few months since I found the first thing out, It all came to a head today when I realised how stupid I have been and so naive.
X

OP posts:
Sugarice · 11/01/2013 14:00

He's been cheating for 4 years then?

Sugarice · 11/01/2013 14:01

x post there!

Original poster
xcharlotte1990x · 11/01/2013 14:02

I can honestly say I have no idea, I only know for certain that he has been for the past 18months, the woman I spoke to today confirmed that.

OP posts:
Original poster
xcharlotte1990x · 11/01/2013 14:03

He's at wok at the moment, so I haven't said anything yet. X

OP posts:
badinage · 11/01/2013 14:03

I sort of understand why you put this onthe back-burner while you were coping with a new baby, but you're probably coming out of the baby fog a bit now and know that you've got to act.

But please tell us you're not considering staying with him?

Original poster
xcharlotte1990x · 11/01/2013 14:05

I think your right, the baby fog does seem to be lifting,
I just feel so bad breaking up our family, when I think about what's its going to be like for my children it devastates me, I really wanted to have a safe secure family for them both and now it's all falling apart.

OP posts:
badinage · 11/01/2013 14:08

You aren't breaking up the family. He did, several times.

Your kids won't thank you for staying with a cheater. By the sounds of things, he'll just keep doing this till he falls in love with some dozy and then he'll leave you anyway. Take control now and feel absolutely no guilt. It's not yours to have.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/01/2013 14:08

You're not breaking up the family, he is. And as for your children, they'll have a much safer and more secure family with you in control than this ridiculous man that seems to have no thought for anyone other than himself.

Do you have friends or family that can come round and be with you? Make him leave.

Longdistance · 11/01/2013 14:12

Well, he's really shat on his own door step. Next door neighbour, nursery teacher....I'm sure the list gones on.

Have you packed his bags yet?

Original poster
xcharlotte1990x · 11/01/2013 14:13

I know what you mean, I just wish this wasn't happening.
I have friends and family, but I feel so embarrassed telling them.
I know they would be supportive and help me no matter what, but once you tell family an friends then it becomes so real.
I know I sound ridiculous I just am having a hard time believing this I happening, once I say it out loud to someone I terrified i will fall apart.
I'm not the most independent person, my children and he were basically my life. I'm still on maternity leave and just thinkin of everything I'm going to have to sort and go through is just making this so terrifying.
I can understand how or why he could do this us, I've always stood by him.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 11/01/2013 14:14

OP that twunt was never in any family to break up... sorry but you need to shed any delusions that you're breaking up anything because it wasn't there to start with considering he was shagging everything that moved :(

Don't delay the inevitable. Dump him now. Change the locks. You and your children will be much better off fine on your own.

Regarding the nursery teacher having an affair with one of her charge's partners? Nice... just lovely. Report her immediately.

Sugarice · 11/01/2013 14:17

Come on Charlotte, don't be embarrassed, he's the twat who has let you and your dc's down.

If you have rl support, grab it with both hands, tell that slug of a partner to fuck off and don't panic, you won't fall apart because you have 2 children to care for.

Get someone round to yours now to be with you.

badinage · 11/01/2013 14:20

None of this is your fault and the embarrassment should be all his. There's no shame in this for you at all. Your friends and family will want to support you I hope.

It's great that you've got a job to return to. If you're not the most independent person, hang on to that job for all its worth because it's the passport to your independent life, meeting new people and being able to provide for your children in the future.

As for understanding how or why he could do this, it's got nothing to do with you or your actions. He did it because he could and unfortunately because there are women who enabled it, but if it wasn't them it would be someone else as he's not fussy and was after quantity not quality.

Original poster
xcharlotte1990x · 11/01/2013 14:22

I reread the post I just posted and think Christ how can he have done that and how can I of been so stupid.
It kills me to know that when he was cheating on me with my daughters nursery teacher that she wa also looking after my daughter knowing full well she was doing her dad!!
Apparently she has moved jobs now to work for the council so I don't know of there would be much point reporting her.
I know I should ring someone but I don't know if I'm ready to do that just yet,
I'm just sat here with my beautiful lil not just feeling numb,
I just don't know what to do when he comes home, I don't want my children having to witness me kicking him out so I don't know whether to wait till there in bed or what...
What a fucking nightmare!

OP posts:
Sugarice · 11/01/2013 14:25

Can you get a relative or good friend to mind the children away from the house for when he gets home?

Original poster
xcharlotte1990x · 11/01/2013 14:34

Not really my family live a bit away and in spoke to my mums who on nights tonight I haven't Sao anything to her about it was just enquiring,
It's mostly his family who live here an I don't feel comfortable ringing them and telling them, iykwim.

OP posts:
badinage · 11/01/2013 14:38

If you're in rented accommodation and you're on maternity leave and have no ties at the moment, can you go and stay at your mums or another relative and have the 'it's over' conversation at a distance?

izzyizin · 11/01/2013 14:39

Sling sufficient clothing into a black bag Pack enough clothing to last him for a week, call him at work and tell him a bag will be on the doorstep at x o'clock and he's to collect it and take himself off to live elsewhere - he can check into a Travelodge or doss on a mate/relative's sofa - until you have had time to come to terms with the magnitude of his betrayal of your trust and feel able to talk to him without wanting to cut his dick off calmly about future arrangements for child support/his contact with the dc/etc.

Start breaking the news to close friends and family members and continue posting here - within a week you'll have come out of the fog and will be clear-headed and clear thinking where he's concerned.

As you have written evidence, report the nursery teacher's affair with the dp of one of her charges to the nursery school head and give consideration to copying your letter to her present employers.