Am I over reacting?

[mrsmindcontrol]

I have a history of skewed perception so need some objectivity here....

Me & DP have been together almost a year. He's been separated for 6 years after cheating on his exW with a woman he worked with. I've been separated 18 months having had a very cold loveless marriage.
We spend a lot of time together, he's here 80% of his spare time. He's also a bit of a workaholic (whole other thread). When we're not together we text a lot. In the evenings for example we text almost constantly. We've talked about living together soon.
Last night, he was ill with a cold, I felt under the weather so suggested he might stay at home. He wasn't too happy but did so. During the evening he text me a photo of his dinner to show it was awful. I laughed, we exchanged a few texts & I went to bed.

Fast forward to this morning, I glanced again at the photo of his dinner & noticed a pair of woman's shoes in it that I hadn't spotted last night. I queried this with him & he said yes, he'd had some woman he works with over for coffee.

I don't get why he didn't mention it last night. I've never heard of this woman before but on questioning it appears she regularly pops over for coffee & is in fact part of the 'group of lads from work' he occasionally drinks with.

I don't expect to know all of his friends, or his plans but the fact that he's NOT mentioned it at the time makes me feel like there is something to hide here. Particularly when considered in the context of his history of shagging about at work.

He does love me, and i'm not generally possessive but this has unnerved me. He is getting all defensive when I'm trying to explain that.

Am I over reacting?

I would find that very, very weird.

I think he text you the picture as an alibi for his lonely night in and fucked up with the shoe thing.

I guess you'll never know if he would've mentioned this woman if you hadn't have pointed her out.

Strange that you have never heard of her before in a year of seeing each other. Have you heard of his other lad friends?

I smell bullshit and I'd be suspicious. Especially as he has form for cheating.

I have heard of a couple of the other lads. Although I've never met any of them.
Glad you think it's odd too. Was wondering if I was going all bunny boiler on him.

Yes, that is a bit odd, so he wanted your sympathy for his poor little loney dinner but actually had someone over at the same time? It would've been more normal had he mentioned someone popped over, but he's definitely dropped himself in it there

Nope that's definitely not right.

No not bunny boiler at all.

Flip the situation. Would he be totally cool if you made him think you were in on your own with a TV dinner and really you had another bloke round?

I'm pretty sure his eyebrow would be raised over that.

Nope

That's exactly what I've said to him madonna. He wouldn't be ok with that situation at all. In fact his response was 'yeah well, I don't moan about you flirting with men at festivals do I?'
(Background: I went to one festival in the summer & made friends with a gay couple).
Defensive.

YANBU. But I don't quite understand the sequence. He had a cold and you felt under the weather but the original plan was he'd come over to your house? So his 'coffee companion' was whistled up at pretty short notice.

He "works" a lot does he ?

I expect "work" was used as a cover for his adulterous behaviour.

Whether or not there is "something" to hide" the bottom line is that he is hiding the extent of his contact with a female friend.

Having female friends is not the issue. Dishonesty, whether by omitting key facts or deliberate lie, is. I don't get why he didn't mention it during the text exchanges if it were innocuous. Have you ever met her? Or his other colleagues?

Yes AF, work was previously used as a cover up. I suspect his exW had no idea. Poor woman.
Cognito- yes, that's it. It's generally accepted that he'll come over to me in the evenings. Last night I said at about 7pm to not bother, as far as I can tell, she was round by 8pm...?
He says he text her to ask how a meeting had gone & she popped over to talk it through as he was home.

I agree scaevola...I have plenty of make friends. I agree that platonic friendship is indeed possible. It's the deceit through omission that bugs me. It was deliberate inasmuch as she was there while he text me.
Nope, I've never met her. Have met other colleagues of his but from different business areas iykwim.

I don't believe him.

His defensive comment about you making friends at the festival makes him sound like even more of a twat.

YANBU.

It's your instinct trying to get your attention I think..

My mind is boggling over how a photo of his dinner had a pair of shoes in it?!

No you are not over-reacting, I would find it all very odd, not the fact he has female friends but that one was there and he deliberately mis-led you. Listen to what your instincts tell you, they are normally right in these situations.

It's the omission that's the problem rather than the woman herself. I'm quite prepared to believe that she could pop over for coffee at short notice but why not text... 'look how rubbish my supper is and btw Doris says hello'...?

Well he either fucked up, didn't notice the shoes in the picture and never intended for you to find out about his guest.
Or he sent it to you knowing that you would spot the shoes and is deliverately looking for some drama and/or for you to end things (so he doesn't have to).

Even if the lady is genuinely a friend and a lovely person to boot, your P lied to you about his sad and lonely dinner while trying to manipulate your feelings.

mine too. op, you're not overreacting, given his previous.

No. He had this woman over for dinner.

Is he seriously saying that he ate and she didn't?

If her shoes were there when he took this picture of his boo hoo lonely dinner for one - then she was there.

I seriously doubt she sat at the dinner table with a cup of coffee

He has already proven he's willing to cheat. If someone is happy to cheat on one person - there's nothing stopping them from cheating on another.

He chose to not mention her in the texts to you last night.
He chose to attempt to give you photographic evidence of his lonely little evening.
He goes on the attack when you mention it and tries to turn the focus onto you
He tries to claim she came for coffee with her feet under the dinner table

I hear the siren going. Don't you? Chea-TER, Chea-TER, Chea-TER...

Otherwise, why wouldn't he have texted X has just shown up to bore me with work talk while I was in the middle of dinner. We're having a coffee. Hope you're feeling better soon, xx

?

Sounds odd.

Is he a crossdresser?

How is his cold today?

Maybe the coffee date was arranged and he was about to use cold to stay home?

If he cheated once he will again at some point. I would dump him as i couldnt trust him.

Seriously, trust your instincts and save yourself a lot of heartache.

Sounds a bit dodgy, and it's going to drive you mad worrying about it.

Were there feet in the shoes?

If so she's dining with him.

If not she's so relaxed one-on-one she's kicked her shoes off. '

Cheat or not, he's one hell of a liar.

Her feet were in her shoes. He was sat on sofa eating his dinner & her feet were just in shot.
Do you seriously think I should finish it for this? He is acting as if he has no concept if why this might be an issue at all.