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Original poster

Am I over reacting?

55 replies

mrsmindcontrol · 11/01/2013 10:09

I have a history of skewed perception so need some objectivity here....

Me & DP have been together almost a year. He's been separated for 6 years after cheating on his exW with a woman he worked with. I've been separated 18 months having had a very cold loveless marriage.
We spend a lot of time together, he's here 80% of his spare time. He's also a bit of a workaholic (whole other thread). When we're not together we text a lot. In the evenings for example we text almost constantly. We've talked about living together soon.
Last night, he was ill with a cold, I felt under the weather so suggested he might stay at home. He wasn't too happy but did so. During the evening he text me a photo of his dinner to show it was awful. I laughed, we exchanged a few texts & I went to bed.

Fast forward to this morning, I glanced again at the photo of his dinner & noticed a pair of woman's shoes in it that I hadn't spotted last night. I queried this with him & he said yes, he'd had some woman he works with over for coffee.

I don't get why he didn't mention it last night. I've never heard of this woman before but on questioning it appears she regularly pops over for coffee & is in fact part of the 'group of lads from work' he occasionally drinks with.

I don't expect to know all of his friends, or his plans but the fact that he's NOT mentioned it at the time makes me feel like there is something to hide here. Particularly when considered in the context of his history of shagging about at work.

He does love me, and i'm not generally possessive but this has unnerved me. He is getting all defensive when I'm trying to explain that.

Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 11/01/2013 11:27

For reasons like this situation I think that if I ever became single again I would never go out with someone who had cheated in the past. That would be an instant deal breaker.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/01/2013 11:33

Going against the grain.... I don't think you finish over this one incident in isolation. However, consider his response, take the time to look back over the past year and revisit anything you thought was odd behaviour that you might have attributed to your 'skewed perception'. That's the way to judge.

madonnawhore · 11/01/2013 11:38

Cogito's right. In light of recent events you might find that stuff you dismissed as your 'skewed perception' now takes on a different meaning.

Original poster
mrsmindcontrol · 11/01/2013 11:43

There have been odd other things. His tendency to work long hours as I alluded to earlier. There have been a couple of occasions where he had to work on days off so ruining plans we'd made together.
A few weeks ago, totally out of context, he sent me a text saying 'I can't wait to fuck you long & hard' or something along those lines. Said it was meant for a friend he was playing a joke on. Made me feel stupid for asking. He has a very high sex drive & I occasionally feel he feels hard done by if we're not having loads of filthy sex. Whether that's enough to make him consider looking elsewhere I don't know....

On the other hand, other than the above, he is the perfect partner, attentive, loving, caring, fun. We make plans, he says he's in it for the long haul. We've discussed having a baby, getting married etc. I've never doubted he loves me. But the voice in the back of my head keeps saying 'bet that's what his exW thought too....'

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/01/2013 11:49

That voice in the back of your head is a very sensible voice and you should listen to it. I don't think your perception is skewed in the slightest. BTW he isn't looking elsewhere because you aren't coming up with the goods on the hooker sex... it seems to be his default setting.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/01/2013 11:52

And you say he's at your house 80% of the time and has ideas of moving in? Do you ever spend time at his place with all these coffee-loving friends of his?

Original poster
mrsmindcontrol · 11/01/2013 11:53

No, I'm very rarely at his house. But that's because I've got 3 children & a dog.

OP posts:
VanderElsken · 11/01/2013 11:55

Oh OW, he mis- sent you a text like that then you see jim lying about being alone when there is a woman with him. Come on, i know it's hard when someone's a good liar but it's time to wake up. I'm so sorry but this man is cheating.

madonnawhore · 11/01/2013 11:55

I think that sexy text was meant for the woman in the shoes. And I think he doesn't work nearly as hard as he would have you believe.

Sounds like there's no trust here. And for good reason. Based on what you've said, I would ditch.

piprabbit · 11/01/2013 11:56

I don't think you should end it necessarily.
But I do wonder if he sent that photo knowing he was sending you evidence which might lead to the relationship ending i.e. that he is deliberately sabotaging the relationship (because no one is really that stupid to forget about the extra feet, are they?)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/01/2013 11:58

When a man is thinking with his cock piprabbit, stupidity comes as standard....

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 11/01/2013 11:58

Listen to that little voice - it's there for a reason.

Yes - this is enough to finish it over. You wouldn't be finishing it because there was a pair of shoes in the photo, you wouldn't be finishing it because he had a woman from work over - you would be finishing it because he deliberately lied to you and deceived you. You know he has form. He 'works' long hours....??? His wife couldn't trust him and you can't trust him as far as you could throw him.

Don't sign up for a lifetime of this misery :(

Conflugenglugen · 11/01/2013 11:58

piprabbit, I think you've got it there. Whether he was consciously aware of it or not, the presence of the shoes is significant and sending you a message.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 11/01/2013 12:00

Definitely don't drag 3 kids into a life with this carwreck.

Hatpin · 11/01/2013 12:18

Is coffee lady the same woman he cheated on his exW with?

Original poster
mrsmindcontrol · 11/01/2013 12:24

Don't think so hatpin. He went on to have a 5 year relationship with didn't end well although they still see each other through work sometimes.

OP posts:
VoiceofUnreason · 11/01/2013 12:44

Bloke's viewpoint. LTB. Immediately. Sorry. I wouldn't ever send a text like that to a mate - male or female - "as a joke"

I have female friends, very close ones. My best friend is female and when round at mine will always kick her shoes off and put her slipper socks on (if she's there for the evening). This ain't the same.

VanderElsken · 11/01/2013 12:47

OP, he may well love you very much, he's also probably playing away a bit or has boundary issues. If you can cope with that then fine, but be aware that's what you're getting yourself into.

Why aren't we focusing on that text here. He sends his girlfriend, a couple of weeks before this incident, a text saying 'I want to fuck you long and hard' and then rather than saying it was for her - HIS GIRLFRIEND who it would make sense it was for, he says it was a mis-sent text as a joke for a friend. What?! What sort of joke? What sort of friend? Who does that? The OP has a sense something's wrong. And then this attempt to look lonely, deliberately lying about his sad night in when he had a woman with him. THIS IS PRETTY OBVIOUS. I'm not trying to be mean, I just think this is the sort of thing that if brushed under the carpet will waste years of the OP's life. Snoop if you have to, OP, but there's enough here to let you know he's a cheat. And men don't tend to send pictures trying to suggest or sabotage or hint at things in a manipulative way, this is how it looks. Holds OP's hand but also bangs head gently on wall

MmmnoodlesoupIsDueXmasEve · 11/01/2013 12:54

Say you want to meet her

hestonbloomingdale · 11/01/2013 13:06

Doesn't sound good, gut instinct is usually right. Unfortunately you probably pulled the trigger to soon by confronting him immediately (been there and done that).

I'm not in the "bin him immediately, he's a twat" camp I'd play it down and watch him like a hawk.

Original poster
mrsmindcontrol · 11/01/2013 13:06

But he can't prove to me that he's NOT being unfaithful can he? I don't think he is. Or am I just being incredibly naive?

OP posts:
olgaga · 11/01/2013 13:08

The fact that he had company but chose not to mention it, and then went on the attack about you "flirting" with other men when you queried him about it.

It's as though he's saying "You're just as bad" - but just as bad as what? Just as bad as someone who lies to their partner about who they're spending time with, I suppose.

He sounds pretty nasty tbh. I wouldn't waste any more time on him.

HecatePropolos · 11/01/2013 13:09

Yes.

Hatpin · 11/01/2013 13:11

I agree.

The text was not innocent or a joke.

The fact that afterwards YOU felt bad for asking is a good example of how low down, shady, cheating types manage to minimize any dodgy behaviour on their behalf until you think you are mad / have something to apologize for.

I think its going to get worse if you stay with him, tbh.

olgaga · 11/01/2013 13:12

OMG I just read about the text! Now that really is weird.

If you want to keep seeing him, that's fine as long as you don't mind living with someone you can't trust. Or someone who shags around.

But for heaven's sake don't let him move in.