Am I over reacting?

[mrsmindcontrol]

I have a history of skewed perception so need some objectivity here....

Me & DP have been together almost a year. He's been separated for 6 years after cheating on his exW with a woman he worked with. I've been separated 18 months having had a very cold loveless marriage.
We spend a lot of time together, he's here 80% of his spare time. He's also a bit of a workaholic (whole other thread). When we're not together we text a lot. In the evenings for example we text almost constantly. We've talked about living together soon.
Last night, he was ill with a cold, I felt under the weather so suggested he might stay at home. He wasn't too happy but did so. During the evening he text me a photo of his dinner to show it was awful. I laughed, we exchanged a few texts & I went to bed.

Fast forward to this morning, I glanced again at the photo of his dinner & noticed a pair of woman's shoes in it that I hadn't spotted last night. I queried this with him & he said yes, he'd had some woman he works with over for coffee.

I don't get why he didn't mention it last night. I've never heard of this woman before but on questioning it appears she regularly pops over for coffee & is in fact part of the 'group of lads from work' he occasionally drinks with.

I don't expect to know all of his friends, or his plans but the fact that he's NOT mentioned it at the time makes me feel like there is something to hide here. Particularly when considered in the context of his history of shagging about at work.

He does love me, and i'm not generally possessive but this has unnerved me. He is getting all defensive when I'm trying to explain that.

Am I over reacting?

It goes beyond 'proof' and into 'trust'. He could provide hours of CCTV footage and countersigned testimonials to prove he was in the right but, if you don't trust him, you'll never trust him. That text just screams that he's seeing someone else. It sounds like a year in, he's got careless, and he hasn't been able to keep up the pretence.

*if you don't mind seeing someone you can't trust...

"We've discussed having a baby, getting married etc. I've never doubted he loves me. But the voice in the back of my head keeps saying bet that's what his exW thought too....'

You can bet serious money that was exactly what his ex-w thought and she learned the hard way that he's congenitally incapable of being faithful.

This guy's a player. Dump the fucker or keep him as a fwb, but FGS don't make the mistake of thinking he loves you in any monogamous sense of the word and DON'T have another dc with him.

In addition, you're best advised to get yourself to your nearest GUM clinic for sti testing and if you continue in a sexual relationship with him, ALWAYS use condoms which will go some way to reducing the risk to your sexual health when shagging a man who puts it about with ow.

OP you're understandably in that stage of feeling like you are the one who has to come up with firm, undeniable evidence to allow yourself a reason to leave. A lot of people do this, it feels like you should extend the benefit of the doubt as far as is conceivable for someone you love until you walk in on them. Otherwise you risk loss an looking foolish. There's absolutely a route to go down here, you can back off for a long while (because he's going to be super careful for a while now) and do ultra snooping stuff in the next few months to do with his phone and computer because he probably will slip up again. You will go a bit mad but you'll feel a sense of 'knowing' eventually, probably in either direction. If you find absolute no suspicious activity or behaviour for six months you'll start to relax.

Or you could look at it this way. He's got a history of infidelity, he compartmentalises his life to the extent that he won't tell you about a female colleague (in his home - anyone else think that's quite an intimate thing as opposed to a bar or coffee shop?) he's had round and communicates mostly by texting, a classic way of controlling and compartmentalising relationships as easily as possible. He's probably fine but there are enough red flags to keep you a little anxious.

But then this other text. Really? I just think we're being delusional to attribute it to anything else but being meant for another woman. Think about that. That's pretty certain I think. So how do you feel about that?

I think he probably is happy with you. And I think he probably would fuck someone else in a heartbeat if he probably wouldn't be found out. And I think he has done that. And I think he hasn't really been found out. So I think he will again.

You seem to be in the mindset that you can't believe suspicious evidence over his word. But you can, you see. You just don't want to yet. Which is fine. If he were reasonable and I were you I would sit him down and say, 'That story you told me about that text. I just don't believe it. I'm sorry but I don't, I think it' s a lie and I want to know who it was really meant for. And what with this photo of another woman in the house which you didn't mention to me I think you're seeing someone or were seeing someone and I think you should just tell me about that now.' But he doesn't sound reasonable, he sounds defensive and like he wants it to be a really small thing. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT CHEATERS DO. NO adulterer admits when confronted, you have to look at the reactions and I'm afraid all his reactions point to a cheat and what they do is to try and make the other person feel like it's silly of them to bring it up.

The real way to get this done is to sit him down and say, 'I know you've been unfaithful to me. What's going on?' Then do not say anything except that or 'You're lying' continually until he comes out with something else. Cheaters will always try and find out 'how' you know what you think you know so they can discredit it. They will get very angry and often walk off to buy time where innocent people will just be confused, want to sort out the misunderstanding and maybe a bit amused or concerned and upset. That's a sure sign. Some will eventually confess.

Does your relationship feel equal? It seems to me like you're a bit nervous of bringing up stuff that really, you are well within your rights to explode about.

Honestly, OP love, he's either a manipulative liar or a cheat. You deserve and can get much better. Bin him.