Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Worn out by ex

80 replies

DianaOfThemyscira · 10/01/2013 18:57

Hi, all. I've been on Mumsnet in various guises for 3 years now, and have had wonderful support and advice about my on/off ex.
I learned on here that he was a cocklodger, a gaslighter, emotionally abusive, an epic twat, and passive aggressive (on top of what I already knew: controlling, jealous, bitter, childish, petty, negative and just basically fucking HORRIBLE etc etc)

I have (again) decided that he is out of my life for good . We are back to our original contact agreement which has stood for the last 3 years when we are "off".

Ex refuses to pay CSA, claiming he "doesn't feel right giving me cash when he doesn't know what it will be spent on"
I've never asked him for money, thinking it would give me a quieter life. He now pays for DS's (aged 4) school lunches (£10 per week) as he "knows that is going to his son". (I have never given him any reason to behave this way over money, I don't smoke, rarely drink, hardly ever go out, never done drugs, and my life revolves around being at work or being a mum)

Ex works full time, is studying for a Masters and has often cancelled contact in order to complete his coursework. I work part time around school hours (I have 3 DCs) and receive tax credits. He HATES that I receive this extra income, even though it frees him up from having to pay for his son, I am able to work part time and still be there to bring up dcs, and he is able to work full time and study towards a fantastic career with appropriate remuneration.

He has always claimed that I only get pregnant so I could "trap" him into paying a % of his wages for 18 years, (even though he doesn't) and so that I could throw him out and claim single parent tax credits. (despite being together for over two years before ttc and us both agreeing to have a child, and trying for months.)

His new one is that he wants DS on another night (fine) but he is demanding that I pay him half the tax credits I get for DS.

I don't really know what I want from posting all this, tea and sympathy? maybe some hand holding or a few choice phrases I can use when batting off his constant abuse and general fuckwittery!?

Anyway, thanks for reading, it does feel better just to have got it out!

OP posts:
aleene · 10/01/2013 19:09

He sounds charming.
His demand for half your tax credits is laughable. You have 3 DC, does he remember that?
Have you been in touch with CSA? or has he just decided he won't pay if you.go down that route...can he do that?

Boysrstupid · 10/01/2013 19:12

How about:

Thank you for offering me the opportunity to provide financial support for ds whilst he is in your care. Whilst I appreciate the gesture, I feel it would be unfair to impose on you in this manner. With your job and study and quality time spent with ds, you really couldn't spare the time to compile an itemised reciept of monies spent on him purely for my benefit. Therefore, I think it is better all round for the circumstances to remain as they are. Unless ofcourse you feel you ought to provide maintenance for ds while he is in my care? No? Thought not.

LineRunner · 10/01/2013 19:16

No he can't have your child tax credits or any other tax credits, or child benefit, and these are to provide a roof over your DC's heads, pay the energy bills, utilities etc.

When you do go to the CSA - and you will, won't you? please go - then he can use the formula for nights spent at his house vs his required payment to you for your DC.

clam · 10/01/2013 19:16

I didn't think you could "refuse to pay" CSA. Isn't it collected at source by a 3rd party?
Or, if you're talking about a general maintenance agreement arrived at (or not) by the two of you unofficially, I would suggest you pick up the phone to the CSA pretty soon.

dizzydixies · 10/01/2013 19:19

CSA!!!

Git Angry

InNeatCognac · 10/01/2013 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTomHardy · 10/01/2013 19:20

Contact the Csa ASAP

MrsTomHardy · 10/01/2013 19:22

He can still refuse to pay it but after missing a payment it goes to the debt dept and then Deductions of Earnings Order goes into place. Takes weeks to sort out but once in place he has no choice and he will have to pay arrears from when they contacted him in the very first place...good luck

Jemma1111 · 10/01/2013 19:25

You should add to your list that he's a shit dad too.

What a vile excuse for a man he is , especially not wanting the best for his own child , definitely go to the csa and MAKE him pay !

Original poster
DianaOfThemyscira · 10/01/2013 19:35

Thanks ladies, you made me Grin and think you must know him.

I haven't been to the CSA as it would add fire to his "she trapped me, she only got pregnant to get ££££££ from me and tax credits"
Though he still sings that tune daily anyway.

His reasoning is that tax credits pay me to look after his son, so he doesn't have to do it. I have suggested I stop claiming them, and instead accept maintenance from HIM.

He is FULL of shit. He lies constantly and it wears me down, the constant stream of abuse I have to handle from him. Occasionally it gets to me. I just need some coping strategies and a thicker skin

OP posts:
InNeatCognac · 10/01/2013 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 10/01/2013 19:40

Look, never mind what this fucknugget says. His opinions are irrelevant. Go to the CSA and let them deal with him and cut all contact with him apart from what is necessary for him to see his son. Tell him that contact arrangements will be made via email and that you do not want him to phone you or approach you in any other way. Let him whine to the other misogynist losers in the pub about what bitches women are: there's no need to let him bore and infuriate you any longer.
If he persists in trying to contact you and be abusive to you, you can get a court order forbidding him to do so, and if he ignores it he will go to prison.

izzyizin · 10/01/2013 19:43

Does it matter what song he's singing? Let him trill away while you tune him out. Seriously, you don't have to listen to his shit - put the phone down and if he comes to your home to collect his ds, don't invite him in.

Do you intend to sic the CSA on to him? If not, why not?

clam · 10/01/2013 19:44

Tax credits means the rest of us. Why should we pay for his son because he can't be arsed to? Angry

Anyway, just because he says it, does not make it a truth. Stop trying to reason with him and shop him to the CSA. He can holler all he likes about what he believes you did re: pregnancy. It doesn't change anything. You and he have a son and it is his responsibility to pay for him.

Keep all exchanges with him in future to the bare minimum. If he starts banging on about what he thinks again, end the conversation and refuse to engage.

Jengnr · 10/01/2013 19:48

Frankenstein nailed this. Do what she says!

digerd · 10/01/2013 20:13

I feel so sorry for his son that his dad is such a nasty piece of work.
Do what you have to do for the sake of your and his son, it doesn't matter what he thinks of you as he is in the wrong not you.

Rikalaily · 10/01/2013 20:52

Get the CSA onto him, there's nothing he can do to stop it unless he's prepared to quit his job and live on the dole for the rest of his life. You are entitled to tax credits to help pay for your child, you are entitled to child maintainance to help pay for your child. Kids are expensive! So what if he moans, as you said he already says all that crap anyway, why should your child go without the extras that maintainance would provide just because his dad has a shitty attitude?

Don't engage with him, arrange contact through email or text and don't respond to anything apart from childcare arrangements.

NatashaBee · 10/01/2013 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jemma1111 · 10/01/2013 21:33

As others have said , who cares what this gobshite thinks ?

It seems that you're trying to please him by not making him support his child , maybe in the hope he Will treat you with respect ? . Yet he is still abusive to you , don't let him constantly make a fool out of you .

Lueji · 10/01/2013 21:34

Even if he gets on the dole, he'll have to pay £5 per week.

Check the CSA website.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 10/01/2013 21:58

Stop listening to this giant wanktard and get on that phone, just because you get TC and i assume you get working TC too, dont mean hes got off the money hook, call CSA, and if he moans and whines like a little bitch say "Not interested" and hang up. Hes a twat, and needs to be put in his place.

InNeatCognac · 11/01/2013 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/01/2013 08:29

You need to get yourself out of this loop where you are discussing things person to person, making yourself vulnerable to his bullying/twattery and involve some outside agencies like the CSA or solicitors in providing a buffer. Bullies will only back down in the face of strength and, whilst you sound very strong, it never hurts to have a few heavies on your side.

Original poster
DianaOfThemyscira · 11/01/2013 08:51

Thank you all, for giving me a kick up the arse and a bit of strength to know I'm right. He always did have this way of making me doubt myself, even over things we said on text or email that could be checked and verified, he still lies constantly!

I know you are right, all of you. Thanks for everything!

Jemma I think you may have hit the nail on the head Blush

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/01/2013 08:56

This time, make the "ex" part permanent, yeah?

Swipe left for the next trending thread