Worn out by ex

[DianaOfThemyscira]

Hi, all. I've been on Mumsnet in various guises for 3 years now, and have had wonderful support and advice about my on/off ex.
I learned on here that he was a cocklodger, a gaslighter, emotionally abusive, an epic twat, and passive aggressive (on top of what I already knew: controlling, jealous, bitter, childish, petty, negative and just basically fucking HORRIBLE etc etc)

I have (again) decided that he is out of my life for good . We are back to our original contact agreement which has stood for the last 3 years when we are "off".

Ex refuses to pay CSA, claiming he "doesn't feel right giving me cash when he doesn't know what it will be spent on"
I've never asked him for money, thinking it would give me a quieter life. He now pays for DS's (aged 4) school lunches (£10 per week) as he "knows that is going to his son". (I have never given him any reason to behave this way over money, I don't smoke, rarely drink, hardly ever go out, never done drugs, and my life revolves around being at work or being a mum)

Ex works full time, is studying for a Masters and has often cancelled contact in order to complete his coursework. I work part time around school hours (I have 3 DCs) and receive tax credits. He HATES that I receive this extra income, even though it frees him up from having to pay for his son, I am able to work part time and still be there to bring up dcs, and he is able to work full time and study towards a fantastic career with appropriate remuneration.

He has always claimed that I only get pregnant so I could "trap" him into paying a % of his wages for 18 years, (even though he doesn't) and so that I could throw him out and claim single parent tax credits. (despite being together for over two years before ttc and us both agreeing to have a child, and trying for months.)

His new one is that he wants DS on another night (fine) but he is demanding that I pay him half the tax credits I get for DS.

I don't really know what I want from posting all this, tea and sympathy? maybe some hand holding or a few choice phrases I can use when batting off his constant abuse and general fuckwittery!?

Anyway, thanks for reading, it does feel better just to have got it out!

You shouldn't be too hard on yourself. People like your ex are very manipulative and cunning. He's had years to get to know you, what makes you tick, where your weak points are. For him, it seems to have reached obsessional proportions. It's really, really difficult to understand why someone would go that far or be so deliberately calculating when it wouldn't even occur to you - and most normal people- to treat anyone that way yourself.

So don't blame yourself for getting lured into his crazy world. Once you recognise it for what it is it's a little easier to stay detached and objective. Putting some outside agencies between him and you will also help.

Oh and if I were you I would change my home and mobile numbers and e mail addresses, and then buy a cheap payg mobile and set up a hotmail account that is entirely separate to your usual accounts. The mobile only goes on when your son is with him for emergency contact only, but goes straight off again, otherwise all communications are through email and only look in this inbox when you are feeling string enough to cope with his crap. Then your whole life isn't being continually taken over by his manipulative bullshit.

He got your details from your workplace by abusing his position: line manager his prying arse.

He's not paying child maintenance: CSA his skiving arse.

great advice and support ladies, thanks again.
DrRanj he emails my work address, I can't change that, but I WILL stop engaging.

He HAS had me over a barrel, knowing how I tick, you are right. Older dcs dad is useless, but doesn't half bloody appreciate the way I am bringing up his dcs for him.
I AM a good mum, and my kids are amazing and a credit to me, but ex uses this as a way to control me "if you block my number you are a bad mum" "do as I say or you are a bad mum" etc etc.

His other new one is that when I take leave for school holidays, he expects me to sit at home all week rather than go on holiday with dcs so his contact is not changed. He refuses to take leave for school holidays (or parents evening, doctors appointments etc, he says "you get paid by the state to work part time, why should I take leave to do what YOU get paid for?")

Dsis had a knobby boyfriend in the past, she wrote a scathing play about him, using everyday quotes, its hilarious! Perhaps I should do the same, because when it's written down, it really is fucking LAUGHABLE, isn't it?
I can't believe I let him attack me about missing contact in school holidays. I've even, mug that I am, invited hm on MANY holidays with us. One he didn't come on as he's arranged a 15 hour drink-and-playstaion marathon with his mate.
Oh, this needs to be in my play too!

nicknametaken I'm sorry you are struggling with another of this species. How did their mothers let them end up this way?
You sound very strong and unmoved by his fuckwittery, I hope to be like that soon! Keep strong, and thanks. x

Don't beat yourself up for trying. When things get tough, you will always know that you did your best and you gave him the best opportunities that you could to be a good dad. (My ex- has almost convinced me of my unreasonableness on occasion by his crying and mewling but I only have to read a few old emails to shake it off).

But don't feel guilty about calling time on this. Anyone who prevents their children from having a holiday to get at the mother is just stupid and vindictive.

Hi Diana, not strong and unmoved, alas, just bored by my ex's antics at this stage. So bloody predictable. It's the scorpion and the frog - he stings because it's in his nature.

I'd definitely read that play! And I hope and trust you won't be extending any more holiday invitations to him in future....

Bloody hell, he has played you like a fiddle.

No more.

Now get another holiday booked and go

(Hey OP, inspired by you, I've gone and lodged a CSA application. When you hear about another ex taking the piss, it helps you take a fresh look at your own....)

Yep, he's had a MILLION chances, and knew what he faced losing by continuing to be a complete arsehole, fuck him. Never again.

Holiday is booked, and it's just me and the DCs! Can't wait to tell him

Nickname I think it's more likely that my knobhead ex has inspired you into action against YOUR wankbadger, but I'm glad, anyway! Go for it, good luck!

Well done girl, and remember, just keep saying it "FUCK HIM"
It'll make ya feel better.

Hee hee, not a CSA application against your ex. Although that would create an amusing amount of confusion...

Ah go on, give him summat to REALLY moan about! :)

Oooh, let's all make CSA applications against him!

Is he rich?

Glad you're starting to think about what is best for you and your DC rather than 'dancing to his tune' and his bullshit. Why should you suffer? Hasn't he made you suffer enough in the past and spoilt your life?

You have to tell yourself regularly - he talks BULLSHIT.

Well, his bullshit has escalated a couple of notches.
I took DS round this evening, he has him on Thursday overnight. Ds wouldn't get out of the car and said he didn't want to go, and wanted to sleep at home. EX and I both tried to persuade him to go, but DS was not moving and said he wanted to be with me.
Ex started his usual nonsense, and wouldn't close the car door so I could drive home. It was freezing, and I had to sit there and listen to him until he was good and ready to let me go. I asked him clearly a number of times to close the door so we could get home, but he wouldn't move. Eventually I just started the car and drove away. Ex shouted abuse and threw something (a stone?) at the car. When we got home he came up and started kicking the front door, shouting about how he's not allowed to see his son. I asked DS if he wanted to go with his dad again, he said no. Cue more shouting and kicking of the door, and shouting through the letter box when I closed the door.
He made a right scene on the street, shouting again that he's not allowed his son because I want all the money for him.

Now will you ring the CSA? You might as well benefit from his accusations.

Oh yes. I'm sure his CSA will be enough to pay for a new door/damage to my car.

Oh, he's had a bloody go at YOU lot as well, you manhaters, I've to go and tell mumsnet what a shit dad he is!

I can hardly tell ds off for throwing tantrums when he's witnessing it on a large scale from this knobhead, can I?

Diana, tell him from me, im no manhater, i just a know a twat, and hes a massive twat.

Diana,

Ring the police. This last incident is very frightening - if not for you, for your little boy. How dare he behave in such a way in front of him?

He didn't get his own way, so they toys (and stones!) came right out of the pram. Nasty, petulant, controlling man.

If the police don't know what offence he's committed, tell them it's Using Violence to Secure Entry, section 6 Criminal Law Act 1977. It's a useful bit of legislation which for some reason lots of officers don't know about.

Disengage
Disengage
Disengage.

Good luck with that CSA claim! Have you submitted it?

Lily, that's fantastic information, thank you!

I have just received my order of the Lundy book. I don't really want to understand him, he's nothing to me now, but I do think it will help, as Annie says, what makes me think it's anything I'VE done, the problem is HIM.

No, the CSA claim hasn't gone in yet. I'm on it. :)

Tell him from he ain't the big man

He is a contemptible twat

From me