Worn out by ex

[DianaOfThemyscira]

Hi, all. I've been on Mumsnet in various guises for 3 years now, and have had wonderful support and advice about my on/off ex.
I learned on here that he was a cocklodger, a gaslighter, emotionally abusive, an epic twat, and passive aggressive (on top of what I already knew: controlling, jealous, bitter, childish, petty, negative and just basically fucking HORRIBLE etc etc)

I have (again) decided that he is out of my life for good . We are back to our original contact agreement which has stood for the last 3 years when we are "off".

Ex refuses to pay CSA, claiming he "doesn't feel right giving me cash when he doesn't know what it will be spent on"
I've never asked him for money, thinking it would give me a quieter life. He now pays for DS's (aged 4) school lunches (£10 per week) as he "knows that is going to his son". (I have never given him any reason to behave this way over money, I don't smoke, rarely drink, hardly ever go out, never done drugs, and my life revolves around being at work or being a mum)

Ex works full time, is studying for a Masters and has often cancelled contact in order to complete his coursework. I work part time around school hours (I have 3 DCs) and receive tax credits. He HATES that I receive this extra income, even though it frees him up from having to pay for his son, I am able to work part time and still be there to bring up dcs, and he is able to work full time and study towards a fantastic career with appropriate remuneration.

He has always claimed that I only get pregnant so I could "trap" him into paying a % of his wages for 18 years, (even though he doesn't) and so that I could throw him out and claim single parent tax credits. (despite being together for over two years before ttc and us both agreeing to have a child, and trying for months.)

His new one is that he wants DS on another night (fine) but he is demanding that I pay him half the tax credits I get for DS.

I don't really know what I want from posting all this, tea and sympathy? maybe some hand holding or a few choice phrases I can use when batting off his constant abuse and general fuckwittery!?

Anyway, thanks for reading, it does feel better just to have got it out!

"I have never given him any reason to behave this way over money"

What makes you think it's anything you've done? There is one extremely obvious reason why he does it. It's not even about control or the general desire to be as awkward as possible. If he doesn't pay maintenance he gets to keep his money for himself - simple as that. Never mind what comes out of his mouth, you know most of what he says is bullshit anyway.

He owes you for the cost of bringing up his child. £10 a week doesn't nearly cut it. It doesn't matter the teeniest bit whether this actual note he hands over is directly spent on something he would deem essential. It doesn't matter if you take his tenner and go down the nail salon. His payments should go into the general pot with which you pay for everything his son costs, which is way, way more than £10.

So now he's going to take the lad for ONE night a week, and that means he deserves HALF of what the State pays to cover your child-rearing costs all week, every week? I don't know how good you are at maths, but does that really add up? How much do you think it is fair to pay him just to stop telling everyone who isn't sick of hearing it that you're a gold-digging bitch? And do you think that will actually stop him?

Step out of this fog, put your hands over your ears and go "la, la, la" when he starts flapping that mouth, take out a piece of paper, do the sums, and then call the CSA on his arse. Your child is missing out here.

Child support is not taken into account for tax credits its a separate thing. Get to csa show him he's wrong.
I think you should stop engaging with him and don't tell him about your ordinal circumstances at all. Tax credits are for you and dc tell him he's welcome to make a claim if he wishes too as its not just for people with children.
He sounds like a knob if the highest order.
My friends dh tried to get her to kick out their 16 yr old dd so he could force the sale of the house.
These blokes are living in fantasy land.

My mum didn't go down the CSA route and I understand why , can't you just refuse to give him the money, I mean after refusing to pay CSA he doesn't really have a leg to stand on? It would raise a lot of questions on what he was going to spend it on!

Right you are, AnyFucker Promise.

Avoid, avoid avoid.
Disengage, disengage, disengage

He had DS last night and has just left me a horrible message as today is non uniform day at school and I didn't tell him (I didn't know!)

ledkr he knows how many hours I work, and has made it his business to find out what I earn, (he works in finance dept for same company I work for) and has then gone on HMRC website, put in my details and discovered how much I get.

You've put some steel in my spine. I can't thank you enough.

He has access to your salary details??? I would take that up with my line manager. Completely inappropriate. Good luck, I am so glad you have binned him.

He's abused his position in the company to check your earnings?? You are perfectly entitled to put in a formal complaint to your employer.

He has no right to know how much you earn that is private and confidential information and unless he calculates salaries then he has been snooping where he should not be. Whoever gave him that information is in the wrong and I would seriously consider talking to HR about this breach of trust. Any company would take a very strong stance on this. You can always tell him he is wrong. Keep strong.

Oh God, I would look for another job.

I would go to HR and tell them he has been going thor your pay files, that's not supposed to be common knowledge for everyoen in the office to know.

Even if he runs payroll it doesn't give him the right to tak that information and use it for personal vendettas.

Go to the CSA, it's your sons right to be provided for by his father, I get CSA it goes in the family pot, even if I went out on the lash each night, it still would not cover half the amount of money I actually spend on my children on essentials.

Keep all contact between you and him to a minimum, only discuss your child regarding contact. If he brings up money, say you dont think it is appropriate to discuss your finances with him.

I think a lot of crappy ex's claim their ex wives/girlfirends are gold diggers I woudlnt take it personallly, he will say it of any future ex I imagine. He's just pissed off you had the temerity to leave him and not end up in a cardboard box on the streets, instead you appear to be livign a pleasant happy life with a degree of financial security.

^he knows how many hours I work, and has made it his business to find out what I earn, (he works in finance dept for same company I work for) and has then gone on HMRC website, put in my details and discovered how much I get.
^
People lose their jobs for less than this

Phone the CSA, he sounds like a right twat nasty piece of work

This man sounds vile. I'm so sorry you have to hear his shit.

If its any comfort, its not that unusual. I think its because there are some men who simply can't cope with being a father and responsible for children and then being found wanting as a parent.

Because they have failed in their own eyes and that of society they choose to blame the other parent for everything and simply block out anything that doesn't make them feel ok about themselves - such as the fact the a child needs more than school dinners.

DS

ps my ex is convinced that he pays for my 'luxury lifestyle' out of his measly child support while forgetting that I work full time and have built a career while he has spent most of his leisure time in the pub and sees the children one night a fortnight. He has recently expanded his hate list to include the year I 'sponged off' him before we had kids. I'm not even going to answer that.

Him knowing your pay could be a very serious breach of Data Privacy.

I would: get CSA to collect money; no contact except about DS (if necessary get someone else to monitor your email, a separate one just for this); complain to HR about his invasion of privacy - in writing.

Do the Freedom Program (online if he really will sabotage it again). If he refuses to hand back your son (to babysitters) then report him to the police. Do you have a court order for contact?

I really do hope that he stays an ex. You need to be strong, there is some work still to do to emotionally detach from him as you still care what he thinks of you. Really, you should not be giving a shit by now and you probably would not if you hadn't made it harder by going back to him.
Look to the future, one where you no longer give a damn and you cease to find him draining or wearing, but if anything, laugh at his absurdity or pity his sad ways. I hope you are getting the counselling and support that you so obviously still need to get to that point.

Him snooping at your private information would be grounds for dismissal, as he has no right and its a serious breach of your right privacy, I'd write a really stern letter to HR and Head Office, and make steps to take it further, my mum works in banking if she did that, she'd be up shit creek with not even a boat.

@Deckswabber..... I think also the reason this type of man behaves the way they do is quite visceral. They are angry, controlling people that do not accept rejection of any kind. They hate their exes, want them to suffer and, the child represents the solitary connection that can still be exploited. It's almost like the OP left a body-part in his care that he can still poke and scratch at.

No, there is no court order. It's just an agreement (in writing) we came to. Actually, he REALLY pressured me in to having it in writing, I got some help to do it, emailed it him, he responded that he was "more than happy to sign" (I have it on email) then a week later ( and ever since) has claimed he was forced to sign and was threatened with not seeing his son if he didn't.

I feel like such a mug, I allowed contact to take place in my home, (even expressing milk and taking it him to feed baby when I could have just said "give him here, he needs feeding") he abused my trust by going through emails, my phone, diaries even from years before we met, all my personal stuff.
Then he decided that he wanted contact at a contact centre -he will have told everyone it was me making him go there - which happened to be where he was working at the time - sympathy from colleagues that he "had" to see his son there, when in fact he had been welcomed (?) into my home. I found it HUGELY embarrassing taking my child to the contact centre where everyone knew me, as my older DCs had been to the nursery there.
It only lasted a few weeks before he gave it up and started coming to my house again.

ARGHHHHH, fucking hell, what a DICK I've been. And I'm not even scratching the surface of the things he's said and done to me over the past 7 bloody years.
Jesus, I really needed a good fucking SHAKE!

cogito bang on.
Yet he accuses me of using his son as a stick to beat him with. Fucknugget, wankstain, cocklodging tosser.

Diana You have evidence, i'd make it official and make sure you request he only contacts in ways that can be recorded, hes playing a huge game, you need to stop playing.

Yes, I am, thanks, greg . I've blocked him from phoning me, so he can only text or email, so everything is in writing, and I won't respond to his attention seeking digs about the care I am (not) giving ds, the rags I dress him in etc., only reponding to contact issues in the most detached way possible.

And I will NEVER put my kids through having this vile excuse for a human being in our home again.

The annoying think for abusive men is that the courts aren't interested in their self-centred rules of how they are convinced they are the centre of the universe.

I really do recommend you read Lundy Bancroft. How your twat THINKS is the problem, and you will not ever be able to change this. If you could, you would have by now.

The CSA, solicitors, police and courts on the other hand...

It really doesn't matter what the fuck he thinks. Go to the CSA and a solicitor. Let the courts/CSA decide on what contact/maintenance is reasonable. He is not a reasonable person, stop trying to behave in a way that pleases him, you are not in a relationship anymore! Personally I would refuse to communicate through him unless through a third party. He is an abusive, manipulative, head fucking bastard, and you need an intermediary as they will confirm what we all know, he is a knob, if he comes out with this kind of shit. Or alternatively I would only communicate with him in writing, this will prove what a ball sack he is. The only person that needs to communicate with him is your dc (and that is debateable). Cut him off and don't give his bullshit the time of day. You are entitled to your tax credits by the law if the land, and you are also entitled to maintenance from him. CSA will decide what is fair, let them decide, please.

Oh and before you cut contact entirely, put it to him that perhaps HE trapped YOU by making you pregnant to ensure that he would always be able to abuse and control you. That sounds more like it to me.

Don't hate yourself. It takes a long, long time to extricate yourself from the confusion of an abusive man. And you are getting there, you really are.

Change jobs, good luck.

Just read the bit about looking at your pay. Report him. He will lose his job but so what? He pays you nothing anyway so he will be no worse of. And don't feel guilty for it, he did it to himself.

OP, I have also hesitated to claim through CSA because I thought it would make things worse. Frankly, I don't see how my ex could treat me much worse. I'm stuck with a massive legal bill because he keeps dragging me back to court based on false allegations that I'm withholding contact - really blatant lies, saying that I was in another country with DD at a time when she was actually staying with him. I think I need to take a deep breath and apply for CSA. Given that my ex is unemployed, it would take something like 60 years for him to pay off the equivalent of my legal fees.

Not meaning to hijack, just to say that you're not the only one who has tried to placate her ex and found IT DOESN'T WORK. It just gives them evidence that being a nasty bully is a successful strategy.

Yeah, no one has a right to snoop at others finances, its gross misconduct.