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Original poster

UPDATE: I've packed up his stuff! And now I'm pregnant.

110 replies

tzella · 09/01/2013 11:57

This is the previous thread This is a light-hearted and fun thread and I really enjoyed it, and thanks to all who posted. I didn't list all the things he'd done but they included giving me two black eyes, restricting my social life and trying to restrict my work plus expecting me to pay for everything and do all the cooking and housework.

So, the relationship is over and I feel 100% positive about that. My further troubles are nothing to do with him. My first thoughts about him in regards to this are negative; I won't tell him and I will never set eyes on him again, if I can help it. I have to be honest and say I'm scared of him.

Onwards to this morning. My period is late, I'm very regular so I POAS and I'm pregnant. I want to talk about this.

I'm 38 and have never consciously wanted a child but this is probably my last chance. I got pregnant 10 years ago (in the dying embers of a relationship then too Hmm) and there was no question that I wanted to terminate and I did. I don't have the same sureness about terminating this time. How do I make the decision?

OP posts:
Lueji · 09/01/2013 12:03

Ups.

Make a list of pros and cons?

Can you imagine yourself having the baby around? How would you organise your life, for example?

On the other hand, how would you feel if you lost this baby now?

izzyizin · 09/01/2013 12:04

There's no decision to make unless/until you have a postiive pg test.

Until then it's mere speculation but I don't think there'll be many prizes for guessing the way it will go if, should you be pg, you decide not to terminate.

Original poster
tzella · 09/01/2013 12:06

I can imagine that warm heavy feeling of a sweet smelling baby in my arms (nieces and nephews here) but my JOB and money! And ever finding another man again....

My long term (or short but significant) relationships go in 8 year cycles My last one ended in 2005, the one before that ended in late 90s. Seriously - my next one is due when I'm 46.

I have no idea what I'm talking about Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
tzella · 09/01/2013 12:07

POAS means Pee On A Stick, izzy Smile Unless it's a faulty Superdrug stick them I'm pregnant.

OP posts:
JugglingFromHereToThere · 09/01/2013 12:08

I think she said she is pregnant izzy

And I don't quite follow you about the bit about there being no prizes for guessing the way it will go ?

I think the options as far as OP are concerned are either independent life without a baby or independent life with one !

izzyizin · 09/01/2013 12:10

POAS? I have no idea what you're talking about either Smile

Original poster
tzella · 09/01/2013 12:10

I don't physically want one - I am fat and dumpy enough as it is (not an exaggeration). On my way to buy this bloody stick this morning I was idly thinking about how could I lose 6 stone while being pregnant GrinShockSad

OP posts:
wewereherefirst · 09/01/2013 12:11

If you're not 100% on a termination, then there are other options, obviously keeping the baby is one of them. if you do decide to keep the baby:

Do you have family near who could childmind? Does your employer offer childcare vouchers? Many mothers work full time and have small babies, it's not easy butIit can be done.

wewereherefirst · 09/01/2013 12:12

POAS- pee on a stick

Original poster
tzella · 09/01/2013 12:13

No family near. We are a small family and my mum helps out my DB who does 50/50 with 3DCs. They are on the South Coast and I'm in London and moving back is out of the question

Thanks for mentioning that - it will go on my Pro/Con list.

OP posts:
Lueji · 09/01/2013 12:16

And ever finding another man again....

That is not necessarily true.
Lots of single mums find partners.

Original poster
tzella · 09/01/2013 12:17

I have failed to find one being free and single Sad. It sort of makes me think that I should just face that and give up and do this other thing instead....

OP posts:
lemonstartree · 09/01/2013 12:18

I will say somethig I expect to get flamed for.

I was in your position 15 yeras go. I had the child alone. Unfortunately my ds is very very like his waste of space father ( who has never even seen him, so its NOt nuture) I have come to believe that genetics will out and I would not make the same decision again. Think how you will feel if you have a child which is just like him ?

Lueji · 09/01/2013 12:19

Maybe the baby will attract men? :)

Maybe you will start looking at different types of men?

I don't think you should make your choice based on possible future relationships.

Original poster
tzella · 09/01/2013 12:20

I don't think you should make your choice based on possible future relationships.

What shall I make the decision on? Please tell me, precisely and in detail! Grin

OP posts:
HighBrows · 09/01/2013 12:20

Tzella have you other children and if so what ages.
I agree with the pros and cons list.

Good for you on getting rid of the cocklodger.

Lueji · 09/01/2013 12:20

Or he/she will be very much like tzella.
Or nothing like either.

Who knows?

We can never predict how our children will turn up.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 09/01/2013 12:21

I'm so sorry you feel like that about your DS at the moment lemon Sad

Could it just be a difficult teenage phase ? Nearly all teenagers can be difficult sometimes. Remember he's got half your genes too, so try to find the lovable bits ? HTH x

Original poster
tzella · 09/01/2013 12:22

Thanks Highbrows No DC here.

A pros/cons list is an idea but what is stultifying me is there's no immediate reaction. Last time there was (to terminate), this time nothing. It was so 'easy' last time.

OP posts:
Lueji · 09/01/2013 12:23

Ok.
On wether you would actually like a child of your own.
On how your life would change.

Maybe your career would be delayed, you'd have less money for you, you'd be stuck at home more.

On the other hand, children can be fantastic and bring so much love and joy to our lives.

Nordicmom · 09/01/2013 12:23

Definitely consider how you would feel if you couldn't ever conceive again and you had given this one up ! I had my DS with no problems but it never worked out again I misscarried all the other pregnancies ( but now finally do have a DD through gestational surrogacy ) . The fact is that this could be your only chance . What a difficult decision . I hope you'll be able to make up your mind soon and make peace with what ever it is :) ! Good luck !

Original poster
tzella · 09/01/2013 12:25

Sorry you're not on top form lemonstartree. I agree that 15 year olds are hard work - I certainly was and my brother was awful but we're nice now, really.

OP posts:
HighBrows · 09/01/2013 12:25

Ok you have no children and you're right this could be your last chance to have some. You still have time to decide so don't rush the decision. But weigh it all up.

SoHHKB · 09/01/2013 12:25

If I were you and I'm not, so feel free to ignore I would think very carefully about your support network and how reliable they are. I'm the last person to suggest that you should be with a partner but there will be times throughout pregnancy and with a young baby that you need someone, if not several people, to lean on emotionally or for practical help... They need not be family but close, local friends are invaluable (speaking from experience!) And how supportive are your work likely to be in terms of time off for appointments/maternity leave/flexible working etc?
I would worry far less about whether you will ever find a partner again - the right man will accept you and baby as a package...
Listen to your gut instinct and imagine each scenario carefully - do you feel relieved or disappointed? Excited or terrified? Of course there will be a certain amount of each but it is entirely your decision and only you have to live with it - good luck Smile

Lueji · 09/01/2013 12:26

My feeling is that you actually want this baby.

It's got lots of cons, perhaps.
But if you don't feel an immediate rejection weighing those cons, maybe you do want it.

What would you do in an ideal world?