UPDATE: I've packed up his stuff! And now I'm pregnant.

[tzella]

This is the previous thread This is a light-hearted and fun thread and I really enjoyed it, and thanks to all who posted. I didn't list all the things he'd done but they included giving me two black eyes, restricting my social life and trying to restrict my work plus expecting me to pay for everything and do all the cooking and housework.

So, the relationship is over and I feel 100% positive about that. My further troubles are nothing to do with him. My first thoughts about him in regards to this are negative; I won't tell him and I will never set eyes on him again, if I can help it. I have to be honest and say I'm scared of him.

Onwards to this morning. My period is late, I'm very regular so I POAS and I'm pregnant. I want to talk about this.

I'm 38 and have never consciously wanted a child but this is probably my last chance. I got pregnant 10 years ago (in the dying embers of a relationship then too ) and there was no question that I wanted to terminate and I did. I don't have the same sureness about terminating this time. How do I make the decision?

I think it's pretty grim to suggest to terminate a pregnancy and then immediately go to the sperm bank to try get pregnant again.

Chilling.

Have some respect people. It's not some kind of conveyor belt.

I would not have a child with a man like that. Sorry. His DNA does not need spreading.

I agree with Cantbelieve....

I'm with Marianne.

Neither is the op an incubator for any DNA that happens to take root there! Have some respect for her as a woman! Never mind "aw baby baby bay aw so cute I want one aw baby", how about 'make sure that the man who blacked you eyes won't be legally tied to you for the next eighteen years, using your joint offspring as an excuse to continue to abuse you"

Its the OP's decision to keep the baby or terminate, its about whats right for her.

There is never a right time to have a baby, if you wait for the right time you may miss the opportunity. If you want to, keep the baby - baby will bring lots of joy and you will be able to do it on your own - don't tell the abusive oh and use the abuse as reason not to tell authorities name of father.

if you can't work in London OP re too expensive for child care etc on own no family...would you consider moving somewhere cheaper to live and getting lower salary and hopefully ex doesnt find you (name change)

I am worried he will use this dc as a weapon to carry on abusing you for the next 18 years!

One rule if he ever did come round do not leave ex alone with you dc for 1 second...I did as ex asked for a cuppa....whilst I was boiling the kettle he took a DNA test....however my ex was hoping for opposite result to yours as wanted to return to UK so would not have to pay CSA.

Police laughed at Human Tissue Act (common assult to take DNA without PR permission.! So fathers can take DNAs, do your signiture and get away with it if clever enough!

I would never, ever, normally suggest a termination - but in this case, I would say you either need to have a termination or basically go into hiding. You can't guarantee he wont find out and if he does, any chance you have of living your life free of him are gone :( It's not just until you have the baby either, you'd have to be able to stop him finding out for 19 years almost... I would do it to protect myself and the potential child from him.

Also, I'm sure the court would order a DNA test if he tries to use the child as a reason to stay in the UK.

I'm not sure what I would do in your situation but one thing I'm 100% sure of is that I would NEVER ever tell that man that he's the father if he found out, in fact I would lie to absolutely everyone and tell them I wasn't as far along and make out like I had a one night stand who fathered the baby, a rebound thing after it ended with him. I'd move away to another area and make sure my child was safe from him.

He will use you and your baby to stay in the country and he would be entitled to access and there is no way I could allow that with a violent man. Especially as he could flee to another country, god I can't imagine the horror of having my child taken away like that.

Good luck OP, whatever you decide. If you decide to keep the baby you have to keep both of you safe, when the hormones etc kick in you'll be tempted to tell him and may want him back, please don't as you would definately regret it down the line and your child shouldn't suffer for it.

He would need to be having regular contact with the child to be able to stay in the UK on that basis, OP. at the moment, the new immigration laws that seek to limit human rights applications are being challenged so its all a bit up in the air but yes, it is POSSIBLE that he could get to stay in the country because of your child.

It is a bit short sighted to think that the OP will "only" endure 18/19 years of future abuse from this man if she goes through with the pregnancy.

If he is a real abusive manipulative shit, he will also most likely behave like that to the child, too (Well maybe not the violence). OP will most likely have to facilitate both visitations and holidays together, unless she goes through some lengthy and costly legal process to ensure he is not in her life. And the child? Will suffer years of anxiety and problems due to his/her fathers behavior. And he is not going to magically disappear, or stop contact when Child is 18/19/25/50 etc. He will be in your lives, through the child.

I am basing the above on my sisters experience with her ex, and my nieces life with such a father. There is no end to the turmoil he causes his daughter through text, emails, phone calls.

OP from your last thread, and indeed this one too, you sound like a very strong and brave woman. You are truly inspirational. You have handled a very difficult and trumatic experiance with grace and dignity.

I have no doubt that you would make a fantastic mother. I equally have no doubt that you are strong enough to handle what ever decision you come to.

Neither is the op an incubator for any DNA that happens to take root there! Have some respect for her as a woman! Never mind "aw baby baby bay aw so cute I want one aw baby", how about 'make sure that the man who blacked you eyes won't be legally tied to you for the next eighteen years, using your joint offspring as an excuse to continue to abuse you

I know the response I will get, but this: "for any DNA that happens to take root there" - it doesn't just happen. Here is a chance for a woman to respect herself and not have (unprotected) sex with an abusive man.

That bus would appear to have gone, Marianne.

Tzella had her chance to be rid of this abusive UK oxygen thief last summer but, despite his violence towards her, she resumed her relationship with him and contnued to pander to his needs until little more than a week ago.
,
It's a fact that some are driven by inner conflict, caused perhaps by dysfunctional childhoods or other trauma, to engage in sex with abusive men. I make no judgement except to say that such a relationship, and the environment it creates, is not one in which a child can flourish.

Being a parent, and especially being a single parent on a less than wealthy income, is incredibly hard work, financially ruinous, socially restricting, a lifelong committment.

People do it because they really wnat a child so much that none of the abve is a deterrent, or they do it because having found themselves pg they then fall in love with their baby and it makes it all worthwhile. Hopefully.

You can really want a baby, then find that the reality is doing your head in, and regret parenthood, even though you love the child.
You can fear pg and feel you don't want a baby and then do a cpmplete U turn when you fal in love with the baby.
You can resent being pg and then resent being a parent - this is a terrible outcome for the child.

How far are you prepared to take a gamble with your own happiness? Did you feel an instinctive boost of excitement, plesasure or fulfillment when you saw the test result?

Decision made and I?m making an appointment with the GP for a termination. Thanks to almost all of you. I?m not terribly impressed with replies victim blaming and using textbook abusive tactics; implying I am ?fucking stupid? and using grandiose language in clichés as if they are fundamental truths. Not cool at all.

Good luck with your decision. OP, and with moving on.

fwiw I think it good that you will have some time to focus on YOU - and what you want to make happen in your life.

You have been experiencing an abusive relationship, and it might be good to take time to look at that, and give yourself time to recover and gather your strength and confidence. Relationships aren't a matter of fate or some sort of fate-determined cycles - yes there's a ot of luck in whether you meet the right person, but whether you fall for an abuser, or begin and maintain a relationship on YOUR terms are down to you and your two strong arms.

Look after yourself!

Tzella

This was going to be a very difficult situation no matter which way you decided. Fwiw I think you made the right choice. You deserve a life without fear and after reading this thread it looks like the ex is the kind of controllingnon-human who would milk a dc for all it was worth. I am 2 years post abusive relationship with a non-national and im still looking over my shoulder - there have been times when the fear and harassment from the US lawyers has nearly broken me (not to mention its broken my parents bank account).

Hugs to you.

Best of luck love, it won't be easy.

Hope it all goes smoothly for you. I think it's good that this man is not going to be a part of your life any more.

It's too late now but I wanted to add to his
The crucial question is deep in your gut do you want the baby?

It's not just "do you want a baby?" but "do you want a baby, then a toddler, then a small child, then a larger child, then a teenager, then an adult who is your child?".

Knowing what I know in my life now, after a failed marriage and being a lone parent to two dc, if I were you in your position I would have this child. Good luck to you.