Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Prohibitive Steps Order - can he stop her going?

47 replies

Allinthefold · 07/01/2013 23:04

My cousin has recently divorced and wants to move away for a fresh start. About 4 hours away.
She has two children.

Her ex doesn't want her to go & is threatening a prohibitive steps order to stop her.

Can he stop her long term? She seems to think that he'll never be granted one.

He sees the boys once a fortnight, although does chop & change a bit.

OP posts:
SundaeGirl · 07/01/2013 23:06

Yes. Courts prefer children to have 'status quo' over 'fresh start' in general. 'Fresh starts' tend to benefit the parents but disrupt the children.

MonetsGardens · 07/01/2013 23:10

If she is moving simply in an attempt to deliberately restrict contact with no legitimate reason to do so, then yes, there is every chance that he would be granted the order.
Luckily, courts are not generally in the business of stopping people from rebuilding their lives post separation. She needs to put a very good 'case' together with regards the benefits of the move for herself and the positive effects this will have on the children - in terms of schooling, family support, jobs, housing etc. What is she going to do to ensure that contact with the father will remain as 'regular' as possible ? I would suggest that if he only sees them every fortnight at present, it would still be possible to continue that, with him doing the travelling to see the kids 1 weekend a month and her taking them to see him on the second weekend.

Original poster
Allinthefold · 07/01/2013 23:25

I think the only real benefit to her move is housing.

They are in SE at the moment with great schools etc. however if she moved further north she'd be able to afford a much bigger house.

She doesn't have partner or job.

OP posts:
SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 07/01/2013 23:28

Moving just because of housing (as opposed to moving where she has a job lined up or where her family and most of her friends are) might not be seen as a good enough reason. However, has she dumped this man because of violence/abuse? And if so, is his abuse on record?

Original poster
Allinthefold · 07/01/2013 23:32

No, he's a git but there's no record of abuse in the divorce.

She will be technically closer to her family but is 'overshooting' a little.

OP posts:
Kayano · 07/01/2013 23:42

Is it for her or the kids?

I'd rather be close to my non abusive father than have a slightly bigger house tbf

Original poster
Allinthefold · 08/01/2013 07:43

Difficult to say. She would definitely be happier there. Not sure about the children.

I suppose it would all depend on how much being close to father weighs against other benefits of moving.

OP posts:
ILoveTIFFANY · 08/01/2013 07:45

So she has chosen a random place?

How? She has no job? How is she affording it?

Startail · 08/01/2013 07:54

I read this a lot on MN it you simply sell up and move, what can the corts actually do.

Surely they aren't going to put a Mother of young DCs in jail.

If your renting surely you can just go rent on Shetland if you so please without telling a partner your going.

Original poster
Allinthefold · 08/01/2013 07:56

She has some connections there and her sister lives there.

She has enough money from the divorce to buy outright & has maintenance payments to live on. She plans to get a job when she gets there.

OP posts:
ILoveTIFFANY · 08/01/2013 08:01

The courts will want to see details tho

And yes she can be stopped.... If a move badly interiors education or another parents access!

Also, how is she planning to facilitate a relationship with the children/father.?

Original poster
Allinthefold · 08/01/2013 08:03

I'm not sure she's really thought about that. I think she is just figuring he'll have to come and collect them.

OP posts:
ninjinglebells · 08/01/2013 08:08

So she's planning to live on maintenance payments but make it more difficult for Dad to see them and inflict and 8 hour journey on the kids when they do see him.

I have an a**e of an ex but there's NO way I'd do that to him or the kids.

How old are they, are they at school?

Seems harsh

ILoveTIFFANY · 08/01/2013 09:33

Thays disgusting!!

And shows her true colours really doesn't it? She doesn't have her children's best interests at heart at all

What a cow!

perfectstorm · 08/01/2013 10:10

Startail, no, they wouldn't put the mother in jail. But they might decide the father's relationship to the children is essential as well, that remaining in their home environment is in their best interests, and that a mother who is in contempt of court should not be rewarded and allowed to sever ties at will... and give him primary residence, with her being the one to see them every other weekend. If she can travel from the Hebrides to do so, of course.

So yes, there is "something they can do". A child is not a parental possession, and if the courts rule something is in their best interests and the parent ignores that and does exactly what they want anyway, then the court may well think that casual contempt for the interests of the children is not ideal, and award residence to the other parent.

perfectstorm · 08/01/2013 10:17

And a mother who "hasn't really thought about" how her kids can sustain a close and loving relationship with one of their parents, when pondering a move halfway across the country?

She's their mother, how can she not be concerned about their relationship with their other parent? Whatever the history between the couple concerned, a reasonably good relationship with both parents is generally considered as pretty advantageous to a child's happy, secure development if at all possible. He's their dad, not just a mate. Worrying about her kids' wellbeing is last on her list? That shocks me, I'm sorry, but it does.

ILoveTIFFANY · 08/01/2013 10:44

Me too perfect! Me too... Hmm

Footface · 08/01/2013 10:53

Sounds like she's either trying to punish him or push him out if their lives completely.

Wonder how she would react If it was the other way round or if he even went for custody

Original poster
Allinthefold · 08/01/2013 14:55

It sounds a lot worse when you write it down like that.

I doesn't seem that way in RL, just because of how unhappy he's made her.

I'll tell her she needs to talk it through with her solicitor as to what she should do.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 09/01/2013 01:03

But this is the point you are still missing: it doesn't MATTER how unhappy he has made her, if he is a good father, as long as he is not abusive. It isn't about their relationship anymore, and nor does she need to have one with him. It's about physical proximity of those kids to half of who they are. It's about THEM, not the parents.

Too many parents see kids as an extension of themselves. They aren't. You can't look at the relationship between the adults or what went on there, unless it will directly impact the relationship between parent and child.

Spero · 09/01/2013 01:12

The overriding principle is what is in the best interests of the children. The courts recognise that a primary carer should have freedom of movement in the UK BUT she will need a good reason for wanting to move, otherwise it's a risk court will see this as her trying to frustrate his contact.

It's not a done deal if she is moving just for a bigger house. She will need to show good evidence of her job prospects and what she is able to do to make up for extra distances - she would need to make at least one journey herself. That s quite a big distance to travel so she will need some good reasons to justify it.

As others say, courts ultimate sanction is to transfer residence to father.

HillaryClitoris · 09/01/2013 01:16

Another case of the now familiar 'poor me victim so i'll get automatic sympathy to enable me to manipulate everyone around me in order to selfishly get what I want' excuse.

Cabrinha · 09/01/2013 01:38

Poor father, poor kids.

TisILeclerc · 09/01/2013 06:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SomebodySaveMe · 09/01/2013 06:54

DPs ex is trying to do this. No family where she's moving to except her partner who she hasn't lived with before and 5 year old DSD says she gets shouted at when she says she doesn't want to move there.

Swipe left for the next trending thread