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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've done it, it feels all really surreal.

20 replies

Hyperballad · 07/01/2013 04:27

He gets really angry, it's like flicking a switch, I never knew what would trigger it.

2 days ago I realised that I had to leave as things were not going to get better between us, and he said something in an argument that made me feel scared.

I'm sat awake at my parents with my beautiful DS laid asleep in his carrycot next to me, and I feel all numb and trying not to think to far ahead.

But I'm going back in a couple of days to get my stuff and to speak to him about arrangements regarding him seeing DS. My dad will be coming so I am not on my own with him.

He is a game player and has a really nasty streak, do any of you wonderful wise women have advice for me on how to keep things as friendly as possible with him for the sake of our son?

What should or shouldn't I try and sort with him at this stage regarding him seeing his son? (i have found him almost impossible to have a normal sensible conversation with at the best of times).

OP posts:

LoopsInHoops · 07/01/2013 04:37

I don't think you should try anything regarding him seeing his son at this stage. It is for him to organise. You just stay safe and secure. Well done, by the way. :)

PurplePidjin · 07/01/2013 04:52

Keep all communication in writing - letter or email - and make sure you have a hard copy of everything.

Get hold of details of all bank accounts, insurance policies, pay slips etc.

Decide what you need (not want) from him to take care of ds and don't compromise on that. Have some other things that aren't essential to compromise on so that you appear reasonable.

Get a good solicitor.

Assume he's going to be a twat at every stage. You might be pleasantly surprised - better than getting screwed over!

Original poster

Hyperballad · 07/01/2013 05:01

Thank you Loops and Purple.

Purple, I actually know he'll be a twat at every stage! :(

You say get a good solicitor.... Our finances don't over lap in any way. I've only lived in his house since the baby was born (6 months). Do I need a solicitor for other reasons other than financial?

OP posts:

ripsishere · 07/01/2013 05:03

No idea, but well done you on moving out/on.

PurplePidjin · 07/01/2013 05:07

He needs to be financially responsible for his child, and chances are he'll try and duck out of that by hiding stuff. Which is why you need evidence.

Allergictoironing · 07/01/2013 08:16

Yep you need the solicitor to ensure that you get financial support for your DS.

You're also going to need a formal agreement on access arrangements, as I'm afraid that many unpleasant ex's use DCs as a weapon to get back at the mother. From the sound of it he isn't the kind of guy who you'll be wanting to give unsupervised access to your DS if his temper is that volatile, so things like that need to be tied down at the start.

Allergictoironing · 07/01/2013 08:20

Oh and in answer to your question He is a game player and has a really nasty streak, do any of you wonderful wise women have advice for me on how to keep things as friendly as possible with him for the sake of our son, i think you answered that yourself!

He's never going to stay friendly. You've had the audacity to leave him, he's going to try to make you pay and pay for the insult in as many ways as he can.

Don't be at all surprised to find him following The Script over the next few months, as he may well try to get you back not for love, but as a control thing. You know the list - threats, verbal abuse, phases of being ultra nice, sobbing about what a fool he's been & begging you yto go back, suicide threats, more abuse etc etc etc

AbigailAdams · 07/01/2013 08:25

Why would you want to facilitate someone with a nasty streak access to your son? You wouldn't facilitate it with regards anyone else with a nasty streak. Seriously I wouldn't. And I would keep your distance and get your Dad to collect your stuff.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/01/2013 08:31

What's that phrase.... 'when you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow'....?

Aim less for 'friendly' therefore and more for 'controlled civil' by not engaging on too personal a level where he will carry on trying out his nasty streak. Get a good professional to help you with access and maintenance agreements and keep it businesslike

I'm glad you've got yourself and your son away. Good luck

Original poster

Hyperballad · 08/01/2013 01:42

Thank you so much for the great advice ladies. What type of financial support should I expect for his son?

(I had one of his friends text me today to say he is totally mortified and remorseful and we just need to talk things through and we'll be ok.... :(. )

OP posts:

izzyizin · 08/01/2013 02:14

Given how you raved about his wonderfulness back in October, this is a bit of a turn up for the books! What did he say 2 days ago that persuaded you to leave him?

If you're not married you don't need a solicitor at the present time. If he doesn't voluntarily agree to pay child support, you can claim through the CSA.

With regard to contact with his ds, if he doesn't agree with what you'll be offering he can apply to the Court, in which event you should seek legal counsel.

Original poster

Hyperballad · 08/01/2013 05:59

Well Izzy, he was always raving about his wonderfulness so perhaps I got drawn in! I don't know what I said in Oct tbh!

He is very charasmatic and persuasive and manipulative, so it was easy to think that I'd maybe overreacted or got things wrong. But in December I started seeing through the smoke screens and started making sense of some of the things that were happening. I realised how controlling he was and how he didn't have any respect for me at all. And I also realised that he was trying to intimidate me.

I realised that I was going to have a life of 'putting up and shutting up' for fear of always keeping the peace so not to let anything happen in front of DS. When trying to talk to him about all this over Xmas and how if things don't change then I couldn't see a future, he calmly told me he was evil. I asked him what he meant and that I didn't think he was evil and he just calmly repeated that he was evil. I brought the conversation to a swift end, went to bf baby and planned my exit (I totally shat myself inside and pretended things were normal and fine until I could leave).

OP posts:

susanann · 08/01/2013 07:22

Well done OP. So glad youve moved out. Must have been hard. But you have done the right thing. Keep strong.

mammadiggingdeep · 08/01/2013 07:36

Well done op! If the man has described himself as 'wvil' I don't think your son should be having unsupervised access with him. I know it's early days for you but this is something to consider. An 'evil' man who has been left might use your dc to get back at you. Please think about this carefully!! X

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2013 08:00

"he calmly told me he was evil."

Unusual thing for someone to say about himself. It's either what he genuinely thinks (worrying) or he was exaggerating in some kind of bizarre compliment-fishing exercise designed to provoke a response. "You're not evil/a failure/worthless darling, you're a good man..." Controlling people, on facing eviction, can pull all kinds of rubbish out of the hat.

Original poster

Hyperballad · 08/01/2013 10:23

Thank you everyone, I really hope I can stay strong too! I know I won't go back but i do feel anxious at what lies ahead in the shorterm. If I allow myself to think, I do feel awful for him to be away from DS each night.
Cognito, I just couldn't work out why he said it or why, but whatever reason I came up with I didn't like and it really forced me to ask myself 'do I want to be with this man' and I knew I didn't.

OP posts:

olgaga · 08/01/2013 10:30

But I'm going back in a couple of days to get my stuff and to speak to him about arrangements regarding him seeing DS. My dad will be coming so I am not on my own with him.

That is not the time to talk about contact arrangements. I don't know how old your son is but if he's still in a carrycot he's way too young to have any more than a couple of hours contact at a time, at your parents' house.

Don't be pushed into making any arrangements now. Just get your stuff and go.

Pleased your dad is going with you.

susanann · 08/01/2013 18:15

agree with Olgaga

HappyNewHissy · 08/01/2013 18:25

Please go back when he is not there if you still have a key, otherwise make a list of things and your dad can get them for you while you wait outside (with 999 on speed dial)

the most dangerous time for a woman in a relationship like yours is when she leaves him.

If you are not married, there is no divorce, there is no need for any agreement wrt contact of DS. A man such as this should have NO contact with children.

If he is evil, you don't leave your child with him. Ever. Let him fight for it, and refuse on the grounds of domestic violence, and child safety.

Ulitmately you don't have to talk to him at all, a solicitor can do that.

Contact the CSA about child support.

I think you need to go to the CAB and tell them what's what and ask for their advice.

dequoisagitil · 08/01/2013 18:25

I'd recommend strongly you do not attempt 'friendly' - it will just entail you giving in and bending over backwards - while he accuses you of everything under the sun and tramples your needs into the dust.

Go for 'controlled civil' as someone else said, and have as little direct contact with him as you can. Do financial/access arrangements through email/text and aim for supervised access and have third parties doing the hand-overs when your dc is older. This is an angry manipulative man, from what you say, so you need to keep safe and detached.

Flip