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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how did you know your dp/dh was having an affair?

48 replies

nc88 · 06/01/2013 22:08

advice needed really, how did you know?

For a few months I've had a gut feeling he has been playing away. He's went out a lot, changed his phone password and keeps his laptop at work.

Today I got hold of his phone and read his facebook pm. There were messages to this girl we used to work with talking about how she fancies him (I already knew this) then messages from him saying she should stay away as he's 'bad news' but he did think she was 'gorgeous' and that she should come over. She said she wouldn't come over because she didnt want to wreck his family. Obviously I confronted him and he said he sent them drunk (he did, i remeber the night and it was at 3 in the morning) and he done it because he was angry at me and he was flattered that someone else liked him. Swore that nothing happened and he was sorry.

Now, I'm not an idiot, I know there is VERY strong chance he's been at it.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/01/2013 22:11

Well, I'm sorry but you would be an idiot to swallow that pile of crap he is trying to feed you.

He is blaming you for him (at the very least) trying to play away. Can you trust him again ?

Original poster

nc88 · 06/01/2013 22:15

all he's saying is that it's over because I don't trust him. it's over because he's a lying, cheating scumbag. Even if he hasn't then he's still messaging other girls!

OP posts:

Original poster

nc88 · 06/01/2013 22:17

Forgot to add, he's saying that to make me apologise to him for snooping and make everything seem my fault.

OP posts:

Aspiemum2 · 06/01/2013 22:18

So he sent messages to other women because he was angry at you

It's over because you don't trust him

Does he ever take any responsibility for things in the relationship or is it always your fault?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/01/2013 22:21

'Attack is the best form of defence'.... that's his strategy now. I always think, when emotions are running high and accusations are flying about, it's best to take some time out from each other to take stock of what you want to do next. If he's saying 'it's over' he won't mind stepping out....

Original poster

nc88 · 06/01/2013 22:21

Everything is always my fault. Once in a blue moon does he put his hands up and say sorry, I fucked up.

OP posts:

Original poster

nc88 · 06/01/2013 22:23

I fully believe he's saying it's over so that I will start to beg him to reconsider. It's like he gets a kick out of it.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/01/2013 22:24

Well tell him there's a pale moon on the rise, he fucked up and he should go cool his little heels on the nearest friend's sofa while you work out what the consequences are going to be.... Big opportunity.

PepsiCoco · 06/01/2013 22:24

It's over. You don't need to know. Walk away with your head held high. Don't hang around trying to extract the grubby details.

Abitwobblynow · 06/01/2013 22:24

Trust your gut. I know exactly when my gut told me something was wrong.

They were only at the secret coffees stage then. Because I overrode my instincts I enabled two years of his affair and infatuation and my France emotional abuse. DO NOT run away from this confrontation. If I had my time again ...

Give him avert clear warning as to what will happen should you discover you have been lied,to and betrayed - use those words - then do it.

fiventhree · 06/01/2013 22:29

It is EASY to know. Trust yourself.

Really, just trust yourself. Now, what does your instinct tell you?

Works very well

notnagging · 06/01/2013 22:30

Here we go. Classic tactics. It's suddenly all your fault? Don't listen op. the fact that your upset about it should be enough to make him apologise.

notnagging · 06/01/2013 22:31

Always trust your gut op.

meditrina · 06/01/2013 22:35

It's possible, if her reply about not wanting to wreck a marriage is recent, that a physical affair didn't happen. This time. But it seems only because she has moral standards that he does not appear to, and it might only be a matter of time before he persuades her or someone else to meet up.

It does sound as if he was/is up for an affair, and if he will not come immediately to his senses, with contrition, and real intent to examine why he was looking outside and how to change that mindset, then it is time to consider if you are prepared to tolerate philandering. Things go wrong in marriages, if he wants the relationship to survive, he must stop finding fault so he can give himself 'permission' to turn to a third party. If he isn't prepared to admit that he's done wrong, and take real steps to change and take on a full and committed role towards you, then you need to start thinking about making plans for your future that don't include him as as unsatisfactory burden.

Aspiemum2 · 06/01/2013 22:38

My exdp was like this, everything was always my fault.

Ask yourself, aside from this issue, are you actually happy in this relationship?

I know there can be quite a few ltb threads on here but I think that's because those of us who have been through similar things and come out the other side want to share our experience.

That is, not all men are like this. There are men out there who don't shout at you, do treat you with respect, treat you as an equal. It took me far too long to leave my ex, had I known then what the future held (namely my lovely dh) I wouldn't have put up with being treated so badly for so long

I thought all relationships were like that, I was young and naive. Now I know better, never put up with less than you deserve and never let someone blame their mistakes on you

AnyFucker · 06/01/2013 22:59

Tell him to fuck right off

Original poster

nc88 · 06/01/2013 23:02

We've been going through a major rocky patch and I have thought about leaving but I've been trying to make it work for the sake of ds. I never thought he would cheat. He's been adamant that he still loves me when we've had conversations in the past but then the blaming starts and apparently I nag too much (about staying in more and helping out a bit). I don't think I nag too much, I gave up a long time ago because I go nowhere. For all our problems, I never thought he would cheat and it's been a total slap in the face. I've tried hard to act normal.

This girl isn't of high moral standards, she's been after him for ages. These messages from him are recent.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/01/2013 23:05

Never mind her...what about your partner's moral standards ?

I recommend you get an STI check, and him too before you sleep with him again. You are going to stay with this dick, aren't you ? Because little boys need role models just like this one. Not.

Original poster

nc88 · 06/01/2013 23:16

I am 100% not going to stay. The more I think about the way he is the more angry I get. He's working atm and when I picture his face I can honestly feel the anger coming up to the point where I want to wreck the place. I'm printing out a council house form, we rent and I know he won't leave.

Even if he hasn't cheated, this was just the wake up call I needed

OP posts:

AbigailAdams · 06/01/2013 23:19

nc88 what are you getting out of the relationship? Even before this whole affair shit?

Nagging is one of those words used by men when women are trying to get them to do their fair share. It is sexist and designed to keep women in their place.

AbigailAdams · 06/01/2013 23:20

Ah cross post. Yep you are doing the right thing.

notnagging · 07/01/2013 03:01

TotAlly agree Abigail

Abitwobblynow · 09/01/2013 10:38

'I hurt you because I was angry' is a statement of abuse. Anger is a feeling, and being cruel is a choice.

This is not a nice bloke, nc.

Loquace · 09/01/2013 10:54

I decided to change the bedroom around, shoved the wardrobe aside and discovered what can only be described as a shrine to the OW.

As horrible as it was, I think I got off lightly. You can talk your way out ambiguous texts and strange things on credit cards, leaving a woman feeling like she may actually be going as mad and paranoid as accused.

A shrine however...not so much.

With the distance of about 20 years between me and that moment, that urge to rejig the bedroom was one of the best things that could ever have happened to me.

janelikesjam · 09/01/2013 17:19

Just on nagging - Abigail has made me think re. that word. I would like to add I think "nagging" also comes from a place of disempowerment. Someone with power would never nag, only say it how it is, tell someone to do it, ignore it or refuse to put up with it.

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