The all new, sparkly,2013 Dating Thread - 35!

[watchoutforthatsnail]

off you go.

I mean actual fish, not fish as a euphemism for sexual equipment:o

Hey Polar:)
welcome!:o

Dating algorithms are odd. I just noticed, Match recommends people who are theoretically appropriate for you - roughly the right age range, roughly the right location etc etc, depending on what you specified. And then theoretically you can go through your 'daily 6' recommendations and say which ones you like and don't like and it's meant to improve your matches.

I just realised, I was winked at by an Indian girl, emailed her, went on a date with her, and suddenly every single one of my 'matches' is of Indian/Asian descent. For the last 3 days. Not that I have any problem with it (anyway they're all in London which is way too far for me, really) it just seems statistically unlikely.

Hey Polar - welcome to the wonderful world of the Dating Thread. We're all alternately miserable and somewhat chuffed. But at least we get to whinge about it.

I'll PM you the text of my ad - it's not a piss take so much, it's just pointing out the cliches and saying 'I know this is what everyone says but bollocks to it, I'm just me'

Seems to work for me anyway.

Ok this is one for the men. Paying on dates thing, would appreciate your views.

I offered a contribution to a meal bill on the second date with Mr Vague (I had a gesture in mind, the tip or something more than splitting it). He accepted, said how did I want to split it. I would have struggled with half so I said something light to the effect that my income was limited. He suggested I pay a third. He probably earns in 1.5 days what I get in a month. For various reasons, he would be able to work this out almost exactly.

Now I was secretly pissed off that he accepted at all, pissed off with paying for the wine (I wouldn't have had any, or a glass at most) and big meal he wanted when all I said is that I needed a snack. He had already said when I arrived that he needed to leave early so it was a perfunctory meal rather than a shared experience iyswim. I would never pay that much for mediocre food, we were walking about so a street stall would have done just fine but time was short and he knew the area better.

I've had no problem with paying more in relationships when I've had money and someone had less than me and have always done the same for friends. My last relationship was the first with me not working and we discussed what we could both afford very early on as I couldn't have kept up and didn't want him to feel uncomfortable either. This, along with the pouncing has got to me.

This being Mr Vague's actions.

Yeah I can see why Juliette. I suppose I am quite bossy and would have voiced my preference straightaway. Welcome Polar!

Juliette, Firstly, if you stated your preference for a snack, IMHO you should have stuck to your guns and not been bounced into a sit down nosh-a-thon.
Having said that, if Vague was aware of the disparity in your financial situations, he should have picked up the tab anyway and you could "buy the fish and chips next time".

I am a man.

Polar what an awful story, I hope you meet a good guy/s online, you deserve it after all that.

Bant I will read your text and submit my critique

Juliette that's a tricky situation. I think it's best to be happy with the choice of venue before you go, offer a couple of options where you know for sure you're not going to get robbed re. value for money, then your contribution won't be an issue. I'm on a low income but tbh would always be prepared to pay half especially with someone I hardly know, also because I think while the stereotype for women doing OD is that men are only after one thing, the stereotype for men is that women are golddiggers. I know a couple of guys who have done OD and - without knowing whether they are the exceptions - most of the women they meet have wanted to be taken to fancy places, wined and dined, and have all the bills paid for by the guy. I've also personally met a guy who had stopped telling women he met online what he really did for a living because when he did so they would automatically assume he'd pay all their dating expenses. So in general I think (until you're in an established relationship when the balance might change) you should pay an equal contribution and only go to the places that fit your budget (and if fancypants guy is not prepared to do this then he can sod off).

I wonder how snapes Dumble-date is going

Miranda I was about to post the same thing! Do you think we need to 'get a life' lol

I would normally have insisted on the snack. First I thought he was offering and wanted to be gracious about it and second, apparently I have an 'opionion' and 'too intelligent for most men' and 'am not scared of [them]. This, from various dates my age, so I had decided that maybe I approached dates with my 'work' persona and go with the flow/show my less bossy softer side.

Ironic really, as during the meal he actually said 'Do some men find you scary?'

Am also thinking about Snape's date and keeping everything crossed...

Oh Juliette it just goes to show ...you just cant bloody well win lol...moral of the expensive lunch situ...be yourself!

Tamoo another irony really. Anyone who knows my background even a bit would be able to work out I'm not a gold digger. I find men that assume that are not the kind of men who would suit me as they tend to be patronising and full of assumptions. One said he thought I was a gold digger before we met because when he invited me to a cocktail bar, I said 'that's my kind of place' meaning the design. Others, assume I somehow got where I am by living off some ex husband.

Most commonly, they underestimate what my job was repeat it back to me as something else as they cannot comprehend it. One actually said 'how did you get that job then?'. These are intelligent men, but they are just not used to an intelligent, independent woman who has done it all by herself. I did it because I had DC and I wanted a secure roof over our heads.

Having just written that, I suppose this is why it bothers me so much.

Juliette I'd say "you can pay for the next one" if I badly wanted there to be a next one. Otherwise I'd do a straight split in some circumstances, if there was reasonable parity of paying-power. The one-third thing is unattractive (and unVague) in a number of ways.

too intelligent for most men

Juliette, are you really Christine Lagarde ?

I wouldn't expect a guy to pay for a meal. I would graciously accept it they wanted to though.

It's a bit mean if you had said you would prefer a snack but at least he didn't insist you pay half.

I would mention it if he asks you out again that you cannot afford expensive meals.

FP I couldn't hold a candle to her but I do look at these women sometimes and wonder how they do it. The comments I've had have been said more than once and they are said apparently to flatter me (wrong tree) but really I suspect to put me off balance and in my place.

Strangely, it is the men who basically are not in a position to judge who don't who are the sweetest and kindest. Most Some of the ambitious ones see a need to compete and prove something which of course, is never going to end well hence some of the experiences I've had. This is strictly a men my age thing, it doesn't happen at all with the younger ones with a few exceptions.

The main event of the date was a free gallery. We went to the restaurant at his suggestion as we were walking past the place and he knew it well.

This is why I would never choose one specific place myself if I'm invited, but if asked to, I suggest options for them to check out. I don't know what they can or want to afford.

Well, I love being taken to fancy places and paid for, I'm happy to pay my bit but awkward as it is if necessary I will make it known to the chap beforehand that I can maybe only stretch to the drinks bill in some places and make sure they are happy with that. Thankfully never had to even mention it with BC, he would always get in there first with paying for everything, it wasn't a control thing either he was just lovely and generous and knew my budget didn't suit his tastes! I managed to get in under the radar a few times paying for things where the bill is paid say, at the bar, but I had no chance with his lightning reactions when a bill was brought to us, or I might get up and nip off to the loo (not even at bill time) and get back to find him grinning having paid!

Here's another paying on a date thing

what would you do if you went for a meal, bill arrives, he goes for his wallet, you go for yours, he produces cash (£20 note) but you only have your debit card. The bill is £31.

A) Ask that the waiter split the bill so half is taken off your card, half taken off his twenty quid and he is given change

B) Let the waiter take his £20 and take the rest (£11) off your card

C) Other?

I would go for a) Lubey

Mr Cheeky and I went out for a curry last week and I said I would get it .. It was the most expensive curry for two ever (£81!!) .. when he saw the bill he said let's split it and chipped in £40

The only time I've let (?) a woman pay for a first date is when she insisted, there was obviously no chemistry and it was just easier that way. It was pizza and soft drinks. Other times, I've gone to pay, my date has said 'oh no you mustn't and I've said, well I'm happy to, at which point she's smiled and put her purse away. There was one time when she said 'can I contribute something' and I said she could cover the tip - there was a big disparity in pay there.

If they really want to pay for something, sometimes I've said 'well how about you get the next one?' - when we've already talked about doing something else.

I don't tend to go for women who I think are gold diggers. In those situations where there is a major disparity then I like to take them somewhere nice but not too showy - Browns, Chez Gerard, something like that. Not too poncey but not too Macdonalds either. My ridiculously expensive date with the Safrican (150 quid) was just a mistake I couldn't back out of. Awesome food though. I paid for that because I was mashed a bit tipsy on cocktails.

I always offer to pay .. and take my turn buying rounds etc .. I have a good job and can afford to do it

I'm happy to be treated. Thankfully I don't live in London so bills are modest and I will never take the p--s by ordering 3 courses/expensive stuff. I usually have a modest priced main and some wine of course, still offer to split it (would never pick up the tab for a first meal) but love a guy who knows how to treat someone.

In the early days of internet dating, I met a guy for a first date which was meant to be just drinks and afterwards he asked if I'd eaten which I hadn't so we decided to get a take away a take it to mine (2 mates were babysitting). I offered my share which was a fiver and he took it. Put me off him, plus he wasn't fanciable .