Nar you are very lucky to have such supportive ILs and DH indeed. you have a whole family who know how to behave, be supportive and respect you.
I would seriously try to 'get away with' as much as you think you can in terms of lying, keeping them at bay, etc. The rest of the family, in supporting their appalling carrying ons are absolute abusive, and no, in the normal run of things, we do just give benefits of doubts, etc. Oh just an off moment, or weren't thinking, they didn't mean it which make sense in other relationships, but in these types are more of an affront and a denial to us of what we know is really happening. I was trying to explain my abusive FW Ex this morning (and NarcM etc), and I thinkreally only the physical stuff actually hit home, and I found myself thinking, again, why am I bothering, but friends wonder and want explanations, so I stuck pretty much to the worst of it, explained I didn't want to really go into it. Do you know, in explaining the abuses wrought upon m y DC in one particular incident where he held one up high above his head by the arms screaming and raging in theirface, then running off up the stairs still raging, and threw her onto the bed pinned her down, bent over her and yelled two inches from her face (she was of course barely breathing so wracked with sobs and fear, and I was tyring to catch up with him and hammering my fists on his back to make him stop with every ounce of strength I had, all completely useless, with no thought for what would happen to me after), it hit me how much more damaging it was to be terrified in this way and confused than being hit by him. That sounds awful, but in every one of these events, a hit was a simple expression of anger loss of control, whereas this is so tortuous to understand or ever be able to confront, as the source of the rage is completely forgotten in the turmoil!
I think that was me trying ot make sense of it, and I just can't, so I'm not going to, I can't trust that he won't still do that, or my male parent won't, so I am NC. Would I get back in touch? there is no relationship would be my answer. Its not about taking the good with the bad, underneath is so flawed that there is nothing to base a relationship on. Although now, if my male parent started I would just phone the police and let them deal with it, someone should have called the police on him years ago whilst we were all being battered.
My biggest wish is that the services that are supposed to 'help' would spend as much time on these forums as we do in order to properly understand how it is for us, and what hell on earth is as a child living with parents like this, that travels with us into adulthood, the likes of police, the justice don't make me laugh system, and SS who continually seem to leave the vulnerable vulnerable and desperate. The justice system particularly who are in charge of contact orders that send children into the arms of abusive fathers which I hear of so often.
Well, ranty ranty me! I think it is these latest couple of newcomers with their traumatic tale s that have got me all feisty again.
Take care ladies. Be strong against them and protect your families. I had most of my realisations when I first become pregnant and had the responsibility of my first baby to care for - my NarcM told me 'you will understand when you have children', and so I hung onto that and thought someday it will all make sense, happily for me it suddenly made no sense whatsoever! I couldn't understand those words atall. I have to try to stand firm when I made a decision that has caused huge distress in my child, knowing that I cannot, say, support lying, etc. and therefore give a consequence for that, but it hurts me to hurt them, so I struggle and have to continually think in that situation that they cannot expect to lie and I'll support them, for instance. I'll pretty much always give a warning in the first instance of wrong doing whlst they think on it first and I ask them should I support this, etc. It so hard to learn a way thats right when your own pathway through childhood was so fraught with pain, confusions, and coldness. Having a child has been the number one thing to open my eyes fully to all the abuses, obvious and subtle.
Sorry thats so long! Hope some of the above makes sense! This is the first place I've found to talk about this stuff, and have become a lot stronger as a result, and certainly found more clarity.
best wishes to all for some happiness today in the beautiful weather xx