"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's January 2013, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

<br />
Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.<br />
<br />
This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' see <a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/440839-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes-a-thread-for" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">original thread here</a> (December 2007)<br />
<br />
So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.<br />
<br />
One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;<br />
<br />
'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/angry/hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/lifetime experiences of being hurt/angry etc by our parents? behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'<br />
<br />
Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's. <br />
<br />
Some on here have been emotionally abused and/or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn?t have to be any) they fall into.<br />
<br />
NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/or current parental contact has left you feeling damaged falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth. <br />
<br />
You might also find the following links and information useful if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.<br />
<br />
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0553814826/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0553814826&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.</a><br />
<br />
I started with this book and found it really useful.<br />
<br />
Here are some excerpts:<br />
<br />
"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so.<br />
<br />
Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.<br />
<br />
Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:<br />
<br />
"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.<br />
<br />
YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".<br />
<br />
"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.<br />
<br />
YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".<br />
<br />
"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.<br />
<br />
YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."<br />
<br />
"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own.<br />
<br />
YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"<br />
<br />
"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you."<br />
<br />
YOUR RESPONSE: I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ....<br />
<br />
"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.<br />
<br />
YOUR RESPONSE: I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."<br />
<br />
Helpful Websites<br />
<br />
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">Alice Miller</a><br />
<br />
<a class="break-all" href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">Personality Disorders definition</a><br />
<br />
Follow up to pages first thread:<br />
<br />
I?m sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don?t claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be delivered with warmth and support.<br />
<br />
Happy Posting (smithfield posting as therealsmithfield)<br />
<br />
I have cut and pasted this because I think it is fab. Just in case anyone misses the link.<br />
<br />
More helpful links:<br />
<br />
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">Daughters of narcissistic mothers</a><br />
<a class="break-all" href="http://outofthefog.net/" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">Out of the FOG</a><br />
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">You carry the cure in your own heart</a><br />
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.havoca.org/HAVOCA_home.htm" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">Help for adult children of child abuse</a><br />
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.pete-walker.com/" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">Pete Walker</a><br />
<br />
Some books:<br />
<br />
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0749910542/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0749910542&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">Homecoming</a><br />
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1439129436/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=1439129436&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">Will I ever be good enough?</a><br />
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0060929324/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0060929324&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">If you had controlling parents</a><br />
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0385304234/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0385304234&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">When you and your mother can't be friends</a><br />
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1572245611/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=1572245611&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">Children of the self-absorbed</a><br />
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0671701355/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=as2&camp=1634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0671701355&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">Recovery of your inner child</a>

[Salbertina]

I read the book, found it helpful and it rang alarm bells for me too. I think patterns can repeat unless 'a) we're aware and b) we act to change them.. We are the products of our upbringing and so conditioned to a certain style of parenting

[Nodecentnickname]

Not sure if I could do counselling - the cost/time factor is an issue. I feel like oldtoys mentioned above. Then i woke up. It was not acceptable to parent like they did.
I flit between thinking my mum is not that bad, she is lovely in a lot of ways, to suddenly something triggering off a memory or action and just gaping to myself that anyone would think that was ok to parent like that.

Historically I had a problem saying anything bad against her mainly because I've seen her as a 'victim', My father was the EA narcissist with multiple mental health probs who treated my mum appallingly (this is a fact) over many years until finally she kicked him out and was left with no money bringing up three children by herself. She never made it a secret that she found it hard, life was hard, we were all ungrateful, life was shit and we weren't 'normal' because we had a mental father who had utterly ruined her life, we would hear her sobbing at night and we would be bereft at how unhappy she was. Happiness and contentment was a hard concept and still is for her.

She did struggle terribly with money and so on but nevertheless we always had what we needed, she could be very loving and supportive at times but at the same time suffered terribly from mood swings, a possible breakdown at one point and never failed to teach us that life was bleak and at any given moment we could be attacked by our father, baliffs could take everything away and we could be rendered homeless. She gave us far too much adult info regarding our father, and in a way we felt sorry for her and what she was going through. It genuinely must have been hard.

As a result home life was very tense, insecure and fraught and largely revolved around keeping her happy. If she was happy - we were happy. If she wasn't, we kept our heads down as one of us would get it. There was a period of years when she did become very physical and violent. That could be anything from a screaming crying fit from her, toys, our possessions getting smashed by her to physically being attacked. I remember being hit repeatedly with whatever was to hand, a shoe/wooden spoon etc.

[Nodecentnickname]

It's getting too long isn't it?... Bullet points! Anyone recognise these behaviours?

• Lack of money/inability to drive were cited constantly as reasons for not going anywhere at weekends other than the local supermarket or laundrette. Turns out not entirely true.
  

• We were never allowed friends in the house as she said she was embarrassed by the state of the house, we in turn were never allowed to go to friend's houses. Friendships were gently discouraged. Hobbys treated with suspicion in case they cost money.
  

-Knocks at the door/ringing telephones were all treated with fear and suspicion.

• Holidays/Trips/Events all considered unnecessary frivolity and derision and sneering heaped on any evidence of this from friends/family and neighbours.
  
• A 'them and us' mentality towards any authority figure, this included schooling. Little support or interest in our homework after a certain age. Although constantly told we were clever by her, any motivation or effort was almost sabotaged in a way.
  
• Good things only happen to other people and they probably didn't deserve it anyway. Still has this attitude - it is quite soul destroying.
  
• Would support/cuddle/talk to us to a certain point then lose patience, at that point we were told to pull ourselves together or she would make it about her and we would end up comforting her (?) For example my younger bro felt he could never let her know the extent of the bullying he suffered for fear it would upset her. The same for my other sibling and some issues they had when they were older. I became substitute parent in these instances and still am in a way.
  
• Constant negative and cynical attitude to everything. No encouragement or effort made towards motivating me and siblings in any area of life. General attitude is 'what did you expect?? Life is shit?'.
  
• Everyone is on the fiddle, out to hurt you, trick you or cheat you.
  
• Any deviation from her life choices such as me going to Uni or learning to drive is subtly criticised.
  

So sorry this is such an epic post. She has mellowed in the years, she has less to worry about and more disposable cash which I think helps, however she still displays some of the above and I feel like I am being dragged under by her bitter negative attitude and I am struggling to keep my head above water. Sadly one of my siblings behaves in exactly the same way but more vicious. Can be very nasty and critical and antagonistic so I am currently trying to disengage from him.

[FairyFi]

reassuring oopla thanks, an important message for ME to hear certainly, but it didn't matter for ME as even though I'M the daughter of a Narc, I'M perfect you see, its everyone else thats out to hurt me! ;)

seriously tho, definitely good to hear, i think that it a major worry for many.

xx

[FairyFi]

NDNN good posting, hope its helping you to see it for yourself and getting it all out is good.

I think she took away your childhood by being the victim in front of her children and in some way making you responsible for her. You seemed to share a half life with her locked away in her world of fear and retribution.

You not 'really' being able to lean on her, you were only allowed a 'certain' amount and then any more was somehow wrong.

I recognise the difficulty in saying anything against her thing, she always 'seemed' so nice! bluuurgh! She had a 'nice' veneer I give her that, but the older [wised up] I got the clear I see nastiness, hatred, emotional immaturity and all the things you see in yours also.

I spend less time swinging between the two states now, and pretty much permanently reside in the believe of NC being righ because of her narc behavioiurs.

No need to apologise, its soo worth getting all that out, and more anytime theres more to come keep it coming :) xxx

[Nodecentnickname]

It's pretty cathartic typing it all that down. Took me bloody ages! I now have a clearer picture in my head. I have started reading the Susan Forward book although am finding a lot of it doesn't resonate with me so I am not convinced my mum is narcissistic or toxic. I think she is self absorbed in the way depressed people can become and her refusal to ever address this has really affected her children's lives.

I also think she is quite selfish. I was always led to believe we as a family were never taken out to a local park or swings etc because we 'couldn't afford it' despite the fact these activities were free. Recently she declared that she never took us to the park because to paraphrase she found it 'totally and utterly boring and she couldn't be bothered, Better things to do with her time than sitting around a kids playpark'.

And she made a comment about always being able to afford to smoke. She is a heavy smoker. It's only recently occurred to me that she chose to spend money on cigarettes despite the constant refrain of 'can't afford it' for everything else other than necessities.

Other stuff like threatening to 'rub our faces in it' if we ever vomited through illness making us terrified if we had stomach problems. Serving up the dinner I hadn't eaten the day before for breakfast and making me sit at the table until I had eaten it despite the fact I had gastro problems which were well documented and had medicine adminstered by her regularly.

[FairyFi]

now you are talking of abuse and neglect NDNN also lack of empathy or understanding/interest in your needs. yes, it does do one's head in pushing the swing for the thousdandth time and til being told 'more more!', but at the same time to see the pleasure and thrill is also lovely and a reward in itself, and its just got to be done to, putting ourselves aside for our children.

rubbing your faces in vomit threat

oh dear .. it just sounds awful xxx

[FairyFi]

nicotine as strong an addiction to kick as heroine. It controlled me for most of my life, now I have control of it, but fought it for many years in many ways. but I did finally make the choice to stop with advent of family.

[Nodecentnickname]

Actually I am an ex smoker so I know how it can control you, however it still shocks me that that my mother smoked all through her pregnancies and never in all our years made the effort to cut down or stop, despite us being on the breadline.

I have a little girl who I take to the park regularly. Yes it gets boring but you do it, don't you?

[Nodecentnickname]

Thank you for the responses. I feel a bit better writing it all down. Never have done before. For those of you who have gone no contact I think you all very brave.

[FairyFi]

hmm... take your time! you only just posted... NC is a point of unbearable to continue (well it was for me, felt cowardly, but I guess itwas a brave step to protect mself)

Haven't times have changed so much around the smoking/drinking/health issues?

glad its helped... you've been through a rough time I'm glad you got it all out here.

yeah, absolutely, the park type stuff/similar playing games obsessively etc. so that they win and win! all good fun, heh! ha!

[Midwife99]

I think the thing we all had in common was that our feelings were not important or even valid. We were either made to become adults too early or had no control over our lives at all. I felt "muted" as if I had nothing of worth or value to say. I also agree that on the one hand I was told how clever I was & how well I would do but neither parent ever did homework with me or play with me. I remember my mother saying "we taught you to read when you were 3 so that you could amuse yourself from then on. True!!

I received an email on Friday from my mother wanting to talk about the past & apologising for asking me to shampoo their carpets last May when I was going through my marriage breakdown & telling me they were paid to work long hours by the brewery (they were publicans) so couldn't help it. They completely ignored all the other serious issues again - so I replied -

The carpets & working hard aren't really the important issues. They are the ones you can defend easily. More important examples.

1. Things like packing my bag & making me leave the house (I thought forever) when I was about 4. A neighbour brought me back. You thought this was highly amusing. I still remember it.

1. Physically washing my mouth out with soap for copying a swear word you said when I didn't understand it.

1. Banging Paul & my heads together really hard. Threatening us with belts & canes.

1. Moving areas frequently uprooting us from friends/schools & not letting us have a voice or a right to object. Sometimes to escape from affairs.

1. Spending time off & holidays when you were working 100 hours a week without us. Going on holiday & leaving me behind with cleaners/staff when I never saw you generally. I remember being about ***'s age (9) & getting myself up for school alone, leaving the pub while you were still in bed, catching 2 buses to school, coming home & the living room being in darkness while you both napped on the sofa. We were not allowed in so went up to our bedrooms in silence. Making my own meals & eating alone. You would wake up, bath, get ready for work & go down to the pub for the evening. Apart from when we lived in Wales, it was like that for the rest of my childhood & beyond.

1. Not protecting me from men when I was very young. Putting me in a room on another floor by myself in France resulting in me being sexually assaulted repeatedly when I was 13.

1. Not seeing me & the boys more than once a year in 1990s. Encouraging me to move back up here by saying you would look after the boys when * & I divorced. 6 months later Mum telling me you wouldn't look after them anymore because "you love each other & wanted to be left alone together". I had bought a house & had a job by then. I stupidly rushed into the relationship with * to solve my childcare problems.

1. Repeatedly telling me one or other of you is dying when I go on holiday or the day after I had ***.

1. Forgetting my birthday a couple of times completely yet sending carefully chosen gifts to all ***'s (brother) girlfriends & your neighbours.

10. Criticising my weight/appearance in front of other people.

11. Making everything about you & how you feel. I have never been important, you didn't even want to see me for many years.

12. Leaving me to be the only one to visit grandma regularly & even left me to arrange her funeral which you didn't even attend. After you had her money early too. And you expect me to visit you??!!

I don't know why this has all suddenly had to come out but I felt it strongly for many years. When I was a teenager *'s (teenage sweetheart) parents used to say how much they felt sorry for me & were like surrogate parents to me. * (current H) also felt that I should tell you about the rapes but I used to say there was no point now after 30 years because it would upset you. The truth is deep down I knew you wouldn't even really acknowledge it as being your responsibility. And you haven't - you mention the carpets!!!

Please respect my decision to go no contact at the moment. This is what I need to do.

[unschoolmum]

Oopla, agreed but deep down I have known I have character traits like them. I have worked very hard on my parenting and adopted a very alternative parenting style which always respects the child. However, I have many bad traits and I want to improve so that I am not like them. It's not just how I can be with other people but these traits often leave me exhausted. I am feeling more healed already although progress is slow.

[Nodecentnickname]

Midwife

What horrid experiences. No contact sounds exactly the best way to go for your own sanity and children. Do you have lots of siblings btw?

Unschoolmum

I know what you mean by character traits. I am pretty sure I suffer from the same sense of inertia as my mum but I am trying to change this. Little things like learning to drive and planning on losing weight once I have had my baby. Big stuff as well like you - adopting a totally different parenting style. I have never and will never smack my DD.

[FairyFi]

I think power to you Midwife, whether she acknowleges or most likely doesn't its important to drag those, otherwise very one sided conversations, into reality & balance! She can still go off and say what the hell she likes of course, but well done for getting it out there. She might think more carefully before levelling stuff at you knowing that you have the strength to be very direct about the realities for you. I hope you have some peace xx

[Midwife99]

I've now blocked their email address as that is the latest medium they use. Unplugged landline last year, don't answer mobile.

[Midwife99]

Of course I will now be the baddy!!

[oldtoys]

well I've had an email reply from her - basically quoting the Bible about forgiveness and how yes God has forgiven her for her actions back then. It is all a rambling mess tbh. then saying but you did have a good childhood and listing things like chocolate cake, playing with cousins etc

but these things happened BEFORE my sister hit puberty which is when it all changed at home, and the years of violence started!

I have replied again - kindly saying, yes there were such 'happy times' but this is confusing as they were before sister was a teenager......also mentioned if she was so full of Gods love back then, why did she use violence as he chosen method of discipline

it is all NUTS. She is preaching at me basically, saying God wanted the best for all of us. BONKERS



NNDN - you are waking up to it all - let it all out. She was WRONG in so many ways. Let us support you here in any way we can.

the worst thing for all of us here is that only now years later we are questioning was it real? are we imagining it? I do feel BONKERS after all that has happened this weekend. It is driving me crazy. But I am trying to have a simple easy day today. Being kind to myself (eating cake helps) - comfort foodie here

[FairyFi]

[grin[ y y midwife of course! I am now very use to that place, which I accepted for the longest while but don't now!

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

I fail to see how her forgiveness by God has anything to do with this, as it's not acknowledging or recognising or apologising to you for any of it. Just minimising it. In fact to be forgiven by God, she'd have had to recognise how wrong it was and have confessed it all to him, to be forgiven by him and part of forgiveness is repentance and that IMO involves also apologising to the wrong party.

She's re-writing history a touch here isn't she?

It's very difficult, is it helping to e-mail her?

[FairyFi]

the bible talks VERY clearly about forgiveness as being the responsibility of the 'sinner' to be honest about their sins and repent them and foregiveness is NOT and 'entitlement'!!! Chocolate cake - oh thats hilarious!!!! that this is all so gravely serious, FFS choc cake.. It is their denial, in their powerful positions as parents and our vulnerable position as children, that makes us feel bonkers! that, and their powerful recruitment techniques to their campaigns! but you are not, it is in fact them that are completely crazies! xx enjoy that cake

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

Also God may have wanted the best but she has free will and it was her actions that caused the heart ache and nothing to do with 'God'.

Why do people have to use all this spiritual jargon. It's not defensible what she did and certainly not by bringing God into it. He didn't cause her to act like that. That was her alone.

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

Sorry I meant 'wronged' party in my 11.52 post.

[FairyFi]

not 'and' entitlement.... 'an' entitlement. forgiveness is about the repentence of the sinner. Funny the multiude of interpretations of twistings of the word of god to suit. although I claim no religious persuasions, due to this kind of behaviour of the 'religious'!

[oldtoys]

i know, yes she is using it as justification, she said she thought she had sorted this all out with us already, 'and that forgivenesss had been granted'

she is deluded

dontstep: yes, it is helping to email her. I never thought I would be able to approach her about all this before, due to fear of her reaction, the 'consequences' as she is feral when she is angry. But I am emailing her as though I were a barrister in a court, asking direct logical questions, to which unfortunately for me, she has no logical answer

she only has this 'poor me' tone, that she did all she could, that God is her witness and lives in her, and is greater than Satan who is trying to rip apart her family FFS FFS it is very frustrating, as yes, she is minimising what happened

the facts are that every evening, after an argument at dinner, where a sloppy dinner was given (usually the dreaded MINCE) cos she couldnt be arsed, (we all have gastro problems as adults too) then when watching tv in the room where she chose to keep that stick, she would bring up another argument, directed at my sister, the way she was sitting, her choice of programme, how she spoke to someone that day that was displeasing to mother...any number of things. Mother could never just leave us in peace, to relax after a long school day. Then inevitably she would goad and goad my sister with words, until yes finally my sister spoke back. Then my sister was dragged off the sofa and beaten with the stick. While I was there. It was awful. The screams and her pain haunt me now.

But I am fighting back for once, and it has all happened this weekend. My landline is still switched off, I am not returning her calls to my mobile or listening to any voicemails she has left.

I am calling her into question, and tackling this painful past directly. So I can heal. Properly. Thank you all so much for listening to me here.